The Clincher
by abworkma
Summary: There is a turning point in life, a moment that changes everything. It comes along unexpectedly and has the power to make or break even the strongest of bonds. So, what is/was Spencer and Ashley's moment? Will they be okay again?
1. Dangerous Lines & Trying Times

**Chapter One**

A deep breath.

Her hand gripped the pen tightly between her forefinger and thumb; so tight that the skin on her knuckles had faded from their normal color to, now, lacking any color at all. With a flick of the wrist and a clenched jaw, holding her deep breath, she forced the tip of the pen down to the vapid sheet of paper, just above the dotted line. Her name began to form there slowly, picking up pace as it progressed until she lifted the pen, revealing her signature on the finalized document.

_Ashley Davies_

Never had her signature felt so foreign to her; and she had produced it many times over. No, this particular signature stared up at her, locking her eyes in to the endless dotted line, a line that seemed to, all at once, lift from the page and lodge itself in a knot deep within her throat. A knot which, she was sure would be the death of her.

A throaty cough brought her from her thoughts as she lifted her head to chance a look at the suit across from her, a gray suit with an even grayer tie. When had everything gotten so formal in her life? Slowly, her eyes shifted upwards to meet the waiting eyes of the man who had made himself known.

"Okay then… I guess we're done here," the man proudly stated while standing and extending his hand robotically in her direction across the vast table.

Her gaze shifted from his eyes to his outstretched hand. Surely he wasn't expecting a handshake. She could barely force herself to move, let alone, move to accept something so invasive and cold. Her mouth opened slowly but no words could fathom forming. Instead, she shifted her confused gaze back up to his waiting eyes, shaking her head so slightly that it went unnoticed.

"The papers," he demanded hesitantly while pointing to them, breaking her from her trance. "I'll have to send them in to finalize them," he then stated frankly as he nodded his head.

_Finalize_

That word ripped through her like a locomotive, barreling its way through a brick wall. Suddenly the wood grain walls, void of any windows, felt as though they were closing in on her. She could feel herself moving to stand, but the only thing that was real in that very moment was that word. Instead of obliging the man and handing the papers back to him, she swallowed the breath she had unknowingly held and turned away from the table and began to move towards the door. She was sure that she was floating because she couldn't feel the ground beneath her. It was as if she were experiencing one of those out of body moments; where it's like watching your life happen, but not living it.

Once she had freed herself of that suffocating room, she allowed herself to exhale. Her eyes closed as she willed herself to hold her composure. Quickly, she forced her way towards the old water fountain on the opposite wall of the doorway she had just exited.

She needed relief in any shape or form.

Leaning down, she jammed her tingling thumb onto the cold, round button, ushering water through the spout. Her lips met the icy liquid and she immediately felt herself relax. She leaned up just a tad for the water to cleanse her face of the anxiety she was feeling.

How had this happened? Where was she to go from here?

The click-clack of heels behind her brought her from her thoughts. Slowly, her thumb lifted and her face felt the absence of the only comfort she had felt in a while. She turned on her heels as she stood up straight, her hand trying desperately to dry her face. It was all in vain though, as water droplets cascaded down onto the collar of her pen-striped suit jacket. Bits of brown curls were now wet and stuck to her skin, framing her face. Surprisingly enough, the water had managed to give her a sense of refreshing comfort.

She watched tentatively as two other occupants exited the all too familiar room; the gray suited, finalizing man and a blonde woman in a pencil skirt. The man shifted a manila folder, probably containing the papers with the infamous dotted line and foreign signature, from his right hand to his equally cold left, before bringing his right up to join in a handshake with the woman.

"This shouldn't take too long," he assured her before continuing; "I'll give you a call in a couple of days."

"Thank you," the woman offered before breaking the handshake and turning her gaze toward the wet-collared woman, frozen to the spot in front of the water fountain.

Suddenly, deep brown eyes met familiar blue ones. Ashley inhaled deeply with a sense of new-found courage. She allowed herself to approach the couple in front of the choking room, before bringing her hands up to smooth out the front of her jacket. As she did this, the man smiled a slight smile before sputtering off down the long hallway.

"So," the blonde woman began as her eyes shifted from the retreating man back to the brown eyes from the moment before. "I guess this is it."

"Spencer, don't do this," Ashley demanded, surprising even herself. Her body stilled to calm, a welcoming upgrade from the shaking bundle of nerves it had previously been. She knew how desperate she had sounded; and it was desperate. She was going out on a limb, one she knew would break.

"Ash…" Spencer began with a sympathetic tone, her cool blue eyes softening and warming. "It's already done. It's over."

With a defeated sigh, Ashley managed to nod before closing her eyes. "I know. I'm sorry," she replied with deep seeded regret. "I should go," she said quietly before turning on her heels, stopping only when she heard Spencer speak once again.

"Why didn't you have a lawyer? You could have at least been aware of what you were signing." Spencer could not believe how Ashley had handled this situation. She sighed as she thought how typical this was for Ashley. Didn't anything matter to her?

"I know exactly what I signed," Ashley replied and turned back around as her brown eyes, once again, locked into blues. That may have come out in a more bitter tone than she would have liked; but she couldn't take it back now. She couldn't take any of it back. That was the part she was having difficulty swallowing. It _was_ final; and not because of the man finalizing it, but because she had signed above that dotted line with that one signature that would never sit well in the pit of her stomach.

"You gave me everything!" Spencer exclaimed rather quietly with a disbelieving smile that was anything but a symbol of happiness. She _was_ anything but.

"Well…" Ashley began with a barely noticeable, sarcastic chuckle before finishing seriously. "It's not everything to me." Their locked gaze became intense as those words left her mouth and the heavily laced, double meaning of them met both of their ears.

How true of words they were. The stuff she had so easily signed away meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. It was what else, or rather who else, she had not so easily signed away _with_ all of the subsequent stuff. Their divorce was finalizing at that particular moment, and nothing she could do would change that. No, she signed away the one thing that meant everything and no amount of material possession could console her of that fact.

"Look Ash," Spencer began with a soft voice. "It's your stuff too. Really, I don't need it all. Keep what you want." She felt so awful for getting everything in the settlement; and no matter what had transpired between them, she still cared for the brunette and wanted her to be alright.

"You." Ashley's eyes were boring straight into Spencer's at that moment. She couldn't tell what was behind those cool blue eyes; anger, exhaustion, indifference? It was only when she noticed Spencer break the gaze that she backtracked. "It's ok… I'll be fine. I'll just… um," she paused as she swallowed the knot in her throat that warned her that tears were soon to follow. She could not let herself fall apart here, in this place, and most certainly not in front of present company.

"… stop by on Saturday to get my things." Her tongue curled itself against the roof of her mouth as she inhaled deeply through her nose.

Nodding, Spencer looked down at her feet as she felt her own eyes burn slightly. She didn't expect this to be so hard; it really was taking her by surprise. "Okay… um… Do you need any help? I could call Glen and see if he and…"

"Spencer, stop," She interrupted, once again feeling calmer. There was no way that she would become some sort of pitiful charity case. "I'll be okay." She truly meant it at that moment. She would be okay somehow. She just had to.

"Ash, they still think of you as family. They will always care about you."

"Do you?" She had to ask because there were moments where the answer was unclear. This particular moment was one of them. She needed to hear it to be able to breath, to get up in the morning …to hopefully move on? "Do you care?"

"Of course I do!" Spencer exclaimed in a breathy voice. She was stunned. How Ashley could believe that she would never care about her was beyond her. Ashley had always been the most important person to her and she would always hold a special place in her heart for her. "How could you even ask that?"

"Well, considering we're here," Ashley replied with a sarcastic smile, motioning her hands, palms up, acknowledging the setting.

"Ash, you will always be important to me. Nothing will change that. We were just wrong for each other."

_Wrong_

She had said it so convincingly; it was unfortunate that Ashley hadn't believed it one bit. She half wondered if Spencer was trying to convince herself as well.

Spencer didn't believe it however. She knew Ashley had been the one. There were just too many things that had occurred during the course of their seven year marriage that it just wasn't the case anymore. As it stood, in this particular moment in their lives, they were wrong for each other; and no amount of anything could change that.

"Then why did it feel so right?" Her question left her lips before she had any chance to stop it. They had been down this road before; never getting anywhere, only going round and round. Ashley watched as Spencer rolled her lips inside her mouth, seemingly thinking of an appropriate answer. It didn't matter what she had to say. Ashley knew that what they once had could never have been wrong.

"I don't know." It came out as a half whisper; and Spencer immediately brought her eyes up to Ashley's as an uncomfortable silence fell over them.

Ashley thought for a moment before asking her next question. She wanted so desperately to ask, but she found herself hesitant to know the answer. This silence had become so enveloping that she had to end it, and soon.

"Are you happy?" She asked with such a soft voice, her eyes pleading with Spencer to say she wasn't.

She had never wanted for her to be unhappy, not in the slightest; but she couldn't stomach the thought of Spencer being happy without her. However, if Spencer was happy, then who was Ashley to get in the way of that? She was _not_ her wife anymore.

"I think so," Spencer replied after what seemed like a million years. She knew that this revelation would hurt Ashley deeply, but she could never lie to those deep brown eyes.

Ashley had to break their gaze somehow. She couldn't break down in front of Spencer; and she knew that if she had kept her eyes trained on the blue ones before her, she would inevitably break down. No longer would those blue eyes be at her beck and call to stare intently inside. Swallowing the newly formed lump in her throat, she averted her gaze to the old water fountain. The cool water that once relieved her would no longer do the trick.

There was a new line drawn, a line so much worse than the dotted one still haunting her. This new line wasn't dotted and carted off in an envelope, never to be seen again. No, this thick solid line was drawn across the floor, separating her from the blonde in front of her indefinitely. This new line would forever be present, reminding Ashley of where she stood. She would never be able to escape this line no matter how hard she tried. Suddenly, she wanted the dotted line back. She wanted the chance to ignore its prompting of a signature. That, she would gladly take over this new line any day of the week.

"All I want is for you to be happy Spence," Ashley declared while holding back tears in eyes that were focused on the rusty spout of the old fountain. She brought her gaze back around to focus on their feet, mere inches apart; inches that felt like miles. She whispered softly for only herself to hear, "It just sucks that I'm not."

Spencer had heard, unbeknownst to Ashley. This caused the blonde to lift her shaky hand up to grace Ashley's cheek softly. If she had ever regretted filing for divorce, it was nowhere near as strong a regret that she felt in that instant, seeing the defeated look in Ashley's brown eyes. Eyes that closed the moment Spencer's hand caressed her cheek.

"You will be," Spencer offered, caringly and hopeful. She was hopeful of a lot of things, but Ashley's happiness was the forefront of her hopes. She had wanted so much to be the cause of it. For seven years she gave her all on that front, only to have life with all its curve balls deplete her efforts. Tears were developing in her eyes and she knew she couldn't let Ashley see. That would only cause even more tears and neither of them needed that.

Abruptly, she broke contact with Ashley as her hand fell to her side.

"I should go," she forcefully got out as she turned to leave, wiping her eyes once she faced the opposite direction of the brunette. She didn't begin walking; only standing as she wiped her eyes. She had cried so many tears over this situation that she was sure there would be no more left. Sighing, she wiped what would be the last of her tears. It just had to be. She was going to be happy and that was that.

Forcing back her own tears, Ashley swallowed hard and inhaled deeply before putting up a brave front and asking the hardest question she had ever muttered. "So, when is the wedding?"

* * *

><p>There were two things in life that Ashley knew for certain at that very moment as she sat in the corner of the bustling coffee house just down the street from her former home. The first being that Spencer had just divorced her, shoving the ever present knife painfully further through her chest; and the second being that this was not what she had wanted at all. She was having such a hard time wrapping her mind around this heartbreaking knowledge, that she hadn't noticed the slender waitress standing in front of her.<p>

"Tall caramel macchiato?" The waitress stammered out nervously as she stood with a shaky arm extending towards Ashley, grasping a coffee cup. It was her first day on the job and already, she had spilled what seemed like all of the orders she had delivered to patrons. She was about 18 or 19 with a wide-eyed naivety about her.

Breaking from her thoughts, Ashley's eyes snapped upward and met the shy gaze of a younger girl who seemed quite nervous.

"Huh?" She hadn't heard the girl speak, nor did she even care at all what she had said. It was only then that she noticed the girl holding her cup of coffee. "Oh, I'm sorry… caramel macchiato," she said with furrowed brows as she nodded her head and confirmed her order.

The girl could only nod, as forming a complete sentence in front of _the Ashley_ Davies would be completely impossible. She had lived in LA for close to six months and had yet to meet anyone remotely as famous, until now. The fact that Ashley had spoken to her caused her arm to shake even more so than it already had been. If there hadn't been a lid on the cup, coffee surely would have spilled all over Ashley, no doubt burning her. The girl silently thanked the coffee gods for this.

"Thanks," Ashley said as she smiled a small, closed mouth smile and graciously accepted the cup from the poor girl. "Are you okay?" She asked the girl as she sipped on her drink for the first time, noticing the girl was frozen to the spot.

"You're…" the girl could only get out one word as she stared down at Ashley with complete shock present on her face.

Sighing, Ashley realized what the problem was. "Listen," she began as she sat her drink down on the small glass top table in front of her. "You don't have to be so nervous around me. I'm nobody special, but you…" She pointed at the girl with a serious expression. "You give people just what they need on a day when their lives seem to be crumbling around them and their only ounce of relief can come from a small cup of coffee. You're much more special than I am." She finished with half a smile, sipping her drink again. Anyone with two eyes could see that Ashley was defeated and in need of some cheering up.

Her charm had seemed to work as the girl visibly relaxed and replied, "I just never thought I'd meet somebody like you. You have no idea what your music has done for me." With a steadier hand held out to Ashley, she then said with a toothy smile, "My name is Marci."

Smiling a full smile in return, Ashley obliged this hand shake and replied with sincerity, "It's very nice to meet you Marci. I'm Ashley."

"Oh the pleasure is all mine. I'm so glad that didn't spill on you," she said with relief as she pointed to Ashley's coffee. "I am such a klutz."

"No worries…" Ashley began before squinting her eyes just a tad as an idea formed in her head. "Can I ask you something?"

"Oh sure! Ask away," the girl responded enthusiastically before grimacing, slightly embarrassed.

Ashley's tongue snuck its way through her lips as she looked up at the girl, "What did you think of the last album?" She really needed a diversion from her thoughts and surely this girl could be that.

"Uhh… I thought it was amazing. I loved your use of acoustic guitar. The very last song remains one of my favorites. Your voice is so heartbreaking and the emotion is so beautifully expressed. The verse where you sing about calling her one last time..." The girl sighed with a faraway look on her face. "It brought me to tears."

"Haha wow. I didn't expect an answer like that," Ashley replied as she laughed a little. She was completely flattered of course, but never once did she think someone actually listened that closely to her music. It was very humbling.

"Why do you ask me? Surely you've read all of the rave reviews by now." Marci was ecstatic that she was asked, but awfully confused.

"It's just that..." Ashley was immediately interrupted by the voice from a small television that hung on the wall behind her.

"Today in the world of music news..."

"It seems that love-struck singer/songwriter Ashley Davies is in love no more."

This caused Ashley's head to abruptly turn around to focus in on the annoyingly assumptive news anchor. How the hell did he know this information? They had been very discreet about their divorce and she had only just left the courthouse hours earlier. This stirred a bubbling anger within the pit of Ashley's stomach. She wanted to burn this man and all of the paparazzi at the stake.

"Sources close to couple have announced that Spencer and Ashley Davies have called it quits, citing irreconcilable differences. Spencer and Ashley had met in college, both attending UCLA. Spencer, for film production and Ashley for music."

"Sources close, my ass," Ashley huffed as she frantically grabbed her coffee. She was furious and she knew there was no one close to them that would have even thought about selling this story to the news. It must have been that gray-suited, cold-handed, finalizing lawyer that had done it.

Standing, she went to throw a ten-dollar bill on the table when she noticed the girl still standing before her.

"I'm so sorry to hear that Ashley," Marci replied, truly sympathetic, bringing her attention back from the TV. "You and Spencer were like, _the_perfect couple."

Sighing, Ashley replied sarcastically and angrily, "Sorry to disappoint you."

Downing her coffee and squeezing the empty cup, she slapped the bill in the young girls hands and made a hasty exit out of the side door. She had to get out of this TV blaring coffee house, and fast.

Once she was outside, she turned right to continue hurriedly down the busy sidewalk. There were people going in every different direction; lights were blinking and cars were honking. The city was alive. It was only too unfortunate that Ashley felt anything but alive. Her heart was bleeding and not just in the necessary way. It was bleeding from the hole that was never more present than it was right at that very moment.

She stopped at the edge of a street corner as the lights changed for the lanes perpendicular to the sidewalk she was on. She would have to wait now, as luck would have it. The hotel she was staying in was on the other side. Yes, she was staying in a hotel. It had been months since she had left their home. Three long, excruciating months of sleeping in a bed that wasn't theirs. Of waking up alone, to drink coffee that her wife wouldn't be enjoying with her, to gaze out a window which overlooked a part of town that they didn't live in.

When Spencer had asked for a divorce, Ashley had never once thought about getting her own apartment or anything of the sort. It seemed so wrong and way too final. She had just wanted to be back home and with her wife. There was no point in finding her own place because she was sure that it wouldn't come to a point of actually needing one.

Who knew that it would actually come to this? Being completely over?

These thoughts only served to infuriate Ashley even more. She was so consumed by them that she hadn't notice the light turn back and the people around her beginning to cross the street. It wasn't until someone had uncomfortably run into her from behind.

Sighing, she turned around angrily as her eyes met with wide brown ones. It was their joyous mutual friend Carmen. She was nice, yeah, but at that moment Ashley was in no mood to make small talk.

"Oh gosh Ashley," Carmen began, before she placed her hand on Ashley's shoulder. "I'm so sorry. I'm such a klutz sometimes and I never seem to watch where I'm going."

"It's okay. It wasn't your fault," Ashley replied somberly as her anger subsided. "I was lost in my thoughts." She momentarily wondered how many more klutzes she would run into today.

"So what's going on these days?" Carmen asked with a friendly hug. "It's been forever since the four of us got together."

"Yeah, well it will be even longer now," Ashley said bitterly with a smile as she looked towards the pavement.

Confused, Carmen scrunched her face before asking, "What does that mean? Surely you guys aren't too cool for me and my lady now. I mean I know you're a big time star and all, but..."

Clearly she was trying to make jokes, but Ashley wanted none of it. She was more focused on the fact that Carmen was oblivious to her latest relationship development. Surely everyone had heard by now. It was in fact on the evening news for crying out loud!

"So you haven't heard?" Ashley asked with a sarcastic chuckle. "I thought it was common knowledge by now."

"Heard what? We haven't spoken in like six months." Carmen stated with a smile.

"She left me," Ashley cut right to the chase with a big fake smile masking her inner pain as she looked up at Carmen. "Just up and divorced me."

"Spencer?" Carmen asked with shock, disbelievingly. They had been together forever. She was sure that they would outlast time itself. "No way!" This time she was completely sympathetic. "I'm so sorry Ash. If there is anything that I can do, please, just say the words. It must be hard for you."

"Yeah well," Ashley sighed regretfully. "I didn't exactly give her reasons not to. I just let her walk away." This caused the lump in her throat to return as she looked back down to the sidewalk.

"You can't blame yourself Ashley. It does take two, you know. I know that's such a cheesy saying, but it's true. When did this all happen?" Carmen asked, still shocked that it had happened so fast. Six months ago, they had seemed so happy and perfect together.

Laughing sarcastically, she replied with tears in her eyes, "Today actually. At 9:06 AM, I signed it all away, and you know what else?"

Carmen slowly shook her head, not knowing whether or not to actually answer her question. She assumed it was rhetorical and that Ashley would answer it herself momentarily.

"My address is now at the Hilton just down the way," with this she pointed in the direction that she had previously been walking. "Room 562."

"This sucks so much Ash," Carmen said sadly as she pulled Ashley into her arms. Clearly Ashley hadn't wanted it and was heartbroken beyond belief.

"Yeah well..." She trailed off, not knowing really what to say. It still seemed that no amount of words could make her believe it all. Her life was happening in slow motion now and she just wanted so much to spontaneously combust.

"You know that I care about you a lot, but I have to ask..." Carmen began cautiously.

Ashley knew what was coming. There was no stopping the inevitable question that was about to pour itself from Carmen's lips. They were _mutual_ friends after all and she couldn't fault her for asking.

"How is Spencer doing?" Carmen finished off carefully.

Sighing, Ashley just pushed her lips together before looking directly into Carmen's eyes before answering bitterly. "I have no idea. You should ask her _fiancé_e?"


	2. Rings Come & Go, But I'm Still Here

**Chapter Two**

Yes.

Sadly it was true.

Spencer, her wife… ex-wife now, was in fact engaged to walk down the aisle and repeat those same hollow vowels that they had once exchanged together all those years ago.

It had gotten to the point, Ashley had noticed, that her life had become one big American satire of failure. She had come from a broken, unhappy home as a child to now having a broken, unhappy home… hotel room as an adult. Life's vicious line had now met its two ends together in an equally vicious circle. Growing up, Ashley was positively determined not to mirror the haunting mistakes of her parents. She had resented them for the longest time for it all and yet, here she was living their life with mistakes even more haunting.

She was LA's newest divorcé at the ripe young age of 29. Years ago, she never would have imagined that this would be in the cards for her. She had known her future before this day; a life with Spencer and all the joy that it would bring. She had tasted it so sweetly.

Now, here she was sitting on a cold, unwelcoming bed of a hotel room with absolutely no idea what that future would be. It was foggy and foreign to her. She wasn't at a cross roads, as the saying goes. She was at a complete drop off and no matter how hard she looked over the edge, she couldn't see what lay before her.

Her life, as she knew it, was over.

She sighed heavily before leaning back to lie down on the stiff bed. She slowly brought her left hand up to move some of the stray curls that had drifted across her eyes. A sparkle caught her attention as she froze momentarily to take in the sight of her wedding band, tightly around her ring finger. Years of wear had caused it to seemingly fuse to her finger. She wondered briefly if it would ever come off. This thought brought a new batch of tears to sting her eyes. She never wanted it to come off, not for a second. However, what right did she have to wear it anymore?

Her right hand slowly joined her left as her fingertips lightly grazed the white gold, sapphire encrusted band. She stared at it for what seemed like forever as various memories rose to the surface with each tear that fell. She could remember proposing and the shocked expression on Spencer's face. She hadn't seen it coming; probably because Ashley had always been opposed to the idea of marriage. Each day with Spencer, however, had convinced Ashley that nothing was more worthwhile. So, she had decided to take the plunge and ask.

* * *

><p><em>They had been together ever since their first semester at UCLA; for two years and two months they had been inseparable. They had met during some sort of pep rally or something, complete with balloons and chaos. Neither of them was quite sure what exactly they had attended. All they were certain of was that they had never been the same since, in a good way.<em>

_Ashley had been quietly contemplating her decision for a while now; probably since the very beginning. She knew without a doubt, 100%, that she was completely in love with Spencer and a future without her was not an option. She had fallen for her fast, almost instantly. Spencer had completely altered Ashley's way of thinking; and she loved it. She lived for it. Every breath she took, everything she said was all for the blonde haired, blue eyed beauty that was about to be swept off her feet._

_She had grown up a cynic, viewing marriage as no more than an excuse for people to get tax write-offs. Her parents certainly hadn't given her a reason to believe in the institution. They divorced on nasty terms when she was very young; six years old, in fact, and there were no more happy times spent with the two off them together. Ashley had believed that institutions were only meant for the mentally disabled. Never did she think that she would be at a point in her life where she wanted nothing else._

_She wanted to marry Spencer, quite possibly more than she wanted to breathe, and it both scared and excited her simultaneously. She was scared for the possible let down on the off chance she said no; but she was excited beyond belief because she knew in her heart Spencer would say yes._

_As she leaned against Spencer's car, fumbling with the lose ring in her pocket and waiting for the blonde to emerge from the school's building across the way, she looked to the bright sky of California and knew that what she was about to do would change her life._

_She had it all planned out. Tonight would be perfect!_

_Spencer was all too aware of Ashley's views on marriage and not once did she think that she could change them; certainly not today of all days. This had been, by far, the worst day she had ever known, at least since being at UCLA. She had managed to lose an entire SD card full of photos and video, necessary for her upcoming documentary about what it takes for love to change even the hardest of hearts._

_Yes, she was a hopeless romantic._

_She often wondered how in the world she ended up being so extremely happy with such a cynic. Ashley hated the idea of marriage. She laughed mockingly throughout movies like The Note Book and Love Story. Once, she had even managed to wrangle up a small group of people to protest Valentine's Day around campus, citing it as a commercial holiday._

_Spencer and Ashley were polar opposites, you could say. They hardly ever managed to agree on anything, even such things as small as the best looking sock. Is there even an answer to that? Don't the vast majority of socks tend to look the same? Does it even matter when you're just going to cover them up with shoes anyway? This had been their "heated" discussion from the night before._

_Spencer just smiled as she thought about it, rounding the corner of the film building just before exiting._

_It didn't matter how much arguing they did on a regular basis; it was never much more than light-hearted banter. They would always end up in a passionate lip-lock anyway. Sometimes, Spencer would spend all day at school wondering what they would discuss and then "argue" about once she made it home. She lived for their squabbles, which only seemed to bring the two of them closer together._

_She also thoroughly enjoyed listening to Ashley talk for hours upon hours about music. The subject had never interested Spencer that much in the past. She was never quite up to date on the musical artists of the day or the hit songs of the week. That all changed the first moment that she had heard Ashley play guitar. It was as though the strings that vibrated at the delicate touch of Ashley's strong fingers had breathed new life and awareness into her. She hadn't been sure of much at that particular moment, but she did know that Ashley was going to be something special. She was so talented. It was also at that particular moment that she knew she had fallen hard for Ashley; a mere two weeks after they had met._

_She smiled at the memory of the night Ashley had played for her. It was one of the best nights of her life._

_As she rounded the corner of the court yard to cross over to the parking lot, she noticed the familiar brunette leaning against her car. Her smile grew much larger as she picked up her pace. When their eyes met, Ashley smiled and began walking towards Spencer to meet her half way._

_"What are you doing here?" Spencer asked as she bounded into Ashley's arms excitedly. She immediately dropped her bag and brought her lips up to meet the awaiting lips of her girlfriend. Their arms wrapped around each other as the kiss deepened._

_Pulling apart, Ashley rested her forehead against Spencer's as her eyes remained shut. She could never get enough kisses from the blonde beauty. "Surprised?"_

_"Pleasantly!" Spencer exclaimed with a large toothy smile. "You just made my day a thousand times better. I was afraid I wouldn't see you until late." She pouted adorably._

_Laughing, Ashley brought her hand up to caress her girlfriend's soft cheek. "Well I ditched the studio early so that I could pick you up."_

_Scoffing, Spencer playfully slapped Ashley's arm and replied, "How are you ever supposed to finish your first album if you keep distracting yourself so easily?"_

_"Ah my dear, but you are the best distraction," Ashley breathed seductively before capturing Spencer in another lip-lock before pulling back apart to ask, "So, how was your day, babe?"_

_Spencer blew out a deep breath of air, puffing her cheeks up as she slumped. "It totally sucked. I lost the only thing I that had my project saved on."_

_"What," Ashley started as she looked down to pull something out of the pocket that didn't contain jewelry. "This?" She held up the SD card as she smiled teasingly at Spencer._

_Gasping, Spencer grabbed the card from her and rewarded Ashley with a gigantic hug. "Where on Earth did you find it?"_

_"It fell out of your bag as you were leaving. I didn't notice until you were already gone," she replied with a small shrug_

_"Thank you," she said graciously as they kissed for a third time._

_Reluctantly pulling apart, Ashley picked up the abandoned backpack and held her arm out for Spencer to take. "We better go though because I have a surprise waiting for you."_

_"Ooo, I like surprises," Spencer said flirtatiously as she took Ashley's arm in her hand._

_Ashley could only smile as the butterflies began to build up in her stomach. She could only hope that those light fluffy butterflies wouldn't morph into sharp winged bats that would undoubtedly cause her to lose her nerve. She had never proposed before and there was no telling how she would feel when closer to the time. She took a deep breath as they both climbed into her black Porsche. The Sun was just beginning to set at around 7:30 on this cool November day; and that was perfect for her plans._

_About forty-three minutes later they were ascending an elevator shaft as Ashley held her hands over Spencer's eyes._

_"What is going on Ash? What did you do?" Spencer questioned with a smile on her face and tingles all over her body._

_"You'll see," Ashley replied as her butterflies continued to flutter about and a small smile of confidence graced her face._

_The elevator came to a stop as the familiar 'ding' echoed in the tiny space, signaling that they had arrived to their floor. As the doors slid open, Ashley's stomach flipped and flopped from nervousness. Slowly, she walked them out just a few steps before dropping her hands from Spencer's eyes, allowing her to take in the sight._

_Spencer gasped. There before her was a candle lit dinner for two complete with rose petals and wine. The small table was a cool black with a simple white table cloth adorning it as blood red rose pedals were scattered around giving off their sweet aroma. Two small wrought iron chairs sat pushed in underneath the table as dark vines delicately intertwined, curling around the legs and up the arch of the back. As she glanced around, she noticed hundreds of warm glowing lights strung across the gazebo that majestically loomed overhead, it too dressed in vines with flowers in various places. Ashley had never done anything like this before and it had rendered her completely and utterly speechless._

_It wasn't until a small gust of wind whipped around their bodies that she realized where they were. Her eyes widened even further as she took in the sight of the city lights before her, stretching out for miles around them. They were on the rooftop of the Ritz-Carlton; and the view was breath taking. This was a moment she had only seen in movies and guess only existed in fairy tales. Never in her life did she imagine she would be on the receiving end of such a marvelous surprise. She could only glance around in awe as tears came to her eyes._

_Ashley was having difficulty gauging Spencer's reaction because the blonde had yet to face her and say anything. She was silently battling the butterflies for control of her nerves. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she balled her hands into tight fists, attempting to shake off her nerves as beads of sweat began to form unwelcomingly on her brow. It felt like all at once, time had stopped and she was forced to wait, hanging on the moment that was bound to make or break her. She could feel her breathing pick up as her hands loosened their grips and became clammy and cold. What had she been reduced to?  
><em>

_"Oh my God Ash," Spencer exclaimed breathlessly as she turned to meet Ashley, tears streaming down her face. "How..." She couldn't finish her sentence._

_"Well don't cry," Ashley said with a teasing chuckle as she reached her hand up to catch the stray tears. She took the tears to mean that Spencer was happy. She had never been much of a romantic and this had surely shell-shocked her girlfriend._

_"How did you do all of this?" She asked with wide eyes, motioning her hands around to point at everything._

_"Carefully?" Ashley replied in more of a questioning way, not wanting to give up her secrets._

_"Ash..." Spencer grabbed Ashley softly and kissed her passionately, her hands roaming up to the back of her head to tangle in the familiar brown curls. "Thank you," she whispered as their foreheads and noses remained in contact._

_"Well don't thank me yet," she joked with a chuckle while pulling away. "The dinner might be crap. I kinda made it myself," she shyly confessed with a scrunched nose._

_"You cooked?" Spencer could not believe this night. Ashley was certainly full of surprises._

_She smiled as she led Spencer over to the small table, covered in a charming Italian meal consisting of Portobello mushroom tortellini in Alfredo sauce with garlic bread and a bottle of chilled Moscoto._

_"I hope you like it," Ashley said with an unsure expression as she pulled out a chair for the blonde to sit in. "I couldn't make lasagna. I tried. It just didn't work out. This, however, came naturally to me."_

_"It's so beautiful Ash," she breathed out with sincere blue eyes that held so much of Ashley's heart in them._

_"Not half as beautiful as you," Ashley took her seat across from Spencer._

_"I love you so much," Spencer said as she was sure she had never loved Ashley more. Was it even possible?_

_A while later they were both finishing up their meals as Ashley felt her heart quicken. She knew that the moment of do or die was fastly approaching. She had planned to play a song she wrote for Spencer before asking the question that she came here to ask; but now she wasn't sure she could wait any longer. She was becoming quite antsy and the butterflies were becoming bats._

_"I... uhm... Did you like it?" She stammered out like a nervous teenager would on a first date._

_"It was wonderful, as is this whole night," she replied as she looked around and up at the stars. "The view, the candles, everything. I guess I'm just surprised because it's sooo not you." She finished with a laugh as she took another sip of her wine. She glanced up to notice Ashley's somewhat fallen expression. Immediately she regretted the last sentence as she grabbed both of Ashley's hand and added sincerely, "Not that I'm complaining. At all."_

_Smiling as she looked down at their joined hands, Ashley suddenly felt the butterflies/bats calm down a bit. She knew she could do this. There wasn't a word in the English language to describe the kind of courage Spencer had given to her in that moment. "I have something for you."_

_Spencer scrunched her eyes as Ashley suddenly jumped to her feet and moved towards a small grand piano that was off in the corner, lighting a few candles, bathing it in a warm glow. Once again, Spencer gasped. How had she not noticed the piano before? She surmised that she was too caught up in the view of the city and the elegant dinner for two._

_"Um... would you like to hear the first single?" Ashley asked with a proud and hopeful expression._

_"I thought I already had," Spencer said, clearly confused. Ashley had played her a demo track of what she had said would be her first single._

_"Well that was the former first single. I decided on a new song to release first," Ashley said as she approached Spencer and took both hands in her own. "Come sit by me. I want to play it for you," she breathed out heavily as they stood so close together, causing sparks to engulf them._

_Spencer looked deep into Ashley's loving eyes. There was something new there, something akin to determination. She didn't understand how she knew, but she knew that this moment was a huge one, a turning point. Nothing would be the same afterward. This caused her heart to pound nervously, threatening to leap through her chest._

_Slowly, Ashley led her over to a small chair positioned next to the piano, pulling it out for her with steady hands and a deep breath. She walked around to the awaiting bench and smiled at Spencer as she sat. Her fingers came up to grace the ivory as she said softly, "I just want you to know that… I love you." She swallowed and scrunched her brow as she added, "And I don't say that enough."_

_"Ash," Spencer whispered with a tilt of her head to the right. "I love you."_

_"I wrote this song about a week ago," she said, looking down at the keys as her nerves suddenly came crashing back. "I don't usually play piano and I could have played it on guitar; but I thought that the piano has a certain intimacy that the guitar lacks. Anyway…" It was now or never, she thought as her fingers fell into place to strike the first chords. "It's called 'A Message' and it's for you."_

_Spencer listened absorbedly as the notes drifted around her, letting herself get lost in the music as Ashley began to play the song. She had never really witnessed her play the piano before; and it was breathtaking, especially in the candle light. The candles were creating shadows and glows that only seemed to heighten the intimacy that Ashley had spoke of._

_'My song is love_  
><em>Love to the love that's shown<em>  
><em>And it goes on<em>  
><em>You don't have to be alone'<em>

_Ashley pushed her words out strongly and beautifully, capturing each note with ease. She wasn't going to let the butterflies/bats get the best of her; no, not when so much was at stake. This was her defining moment, and she would not walk away a coward._

_'And I'm not gonna take it back_  
><em>Oh I'm not gonna say I don't mean that<em>  
><em>You're the target that I'm aiming at'<em>

_With this line, she looked directly into Spencer's eyes with such focus. Spencer was the target that Ashley was aiming at and she felt her heart sore as tingles took over her body. Ashley was so intense and serious; she had never seen her this way. Something was going on; that, she was aware of, something heart-stoppingly powerful. It was thick in the atmosphere, so thick you could taste. What was going through Ashley's mind?_

_'Got to get that message home_

_My song is love_  
><em>My song is love unknown<em>  
><em>But I'm on fire for you, clearly'<em>

_Ashley couldn't help the small smile which formed on the left side of her mouth as she held their gaze. She had been on fire since the day they met; and it only intensified more and more. She never wanted to be put out._

_Spencer was beginning to tear up, so Ashley continued assuringly._

_'You don't have to be alone_  
><em>You don't have to be on your own<em>  
><em>And I'm not gonna take it back<em>  
><em>Oh I'm not gonna say I don't mean that<em>  
><em>You're the target that I'm aiming at<em>  
><em>And I'm nothing on my own<em>  
><em>Got to get that message home'<em>

_There was no holding back the tears that now were flowing freely from her eyes. Spencer was a goner and only for Ashley. She had never imagined that something this romantic and sweet would ever happen to her. It was something only heard of in movies; movies which Ashley laughed off. Yet, here they were and Ashley had clearly put a lot of effort into this evening. Who would have thought?_

_'And I'm not gonna stand and wait_  
><em>Not gonna leave it until it's much too late<em>  
><em>On a platform I'm gonna stand and say<em>  
><em>That I'm nothing on my own<em>  
><em>And I love you, please come home'<em>

_Ashley's voiced shifted into a beautiful falsetto as she sang the word 'love' and the song reached its climactic moment. It was truly heartfelt and she felt tears in her own eyes as she closed them tightly. She couldn't fall apart at the seams just yet. She had to give Spencer what she deserved, calmly._

_The song quieted and slowed as her fingers followed suit. A deep breath and she finished off the final lyrics._

_'My song is love, is love unknown_  
><em>And I've got to get that message home'<em>

_Once she struck the last chord, she allowed herself to breathe a sigh of relief and smile to herself as her eyes remained closed. She had never been such a sap before and was becoming a bit too self-conscious. Luckily for her, Spencer had moved to join her on the bench, pulling her into her arms._

_"That was absolutely beautiful, Ash. Thank you," she spoke softly as she kissed Ashley's cheek sensually._

_"You don't think it was a bit much huh?" Ashley was trying to make a joke to calm her insides._

_"I thought it was sweet. What's gotten into you?" She asked as she draped her arm tightly around Ashley's waist._

_Ashley knew that this was her moment. All the things she had planned to say before had completely abandoned her now. With a deep breath and Spencer's free hand in hers, she stood and turned them around to face away from the piano, with Spencer still seated._

_"I just never thought I could be this person that I am. I grew up not believing in much of anything," she confessed as she knelt in front of Spencer, to meet her at eye level. "But you make me believe in everything. I never again want to be who I was before I met you."_

_"I love who you are," Spencer said genuinely as her hand came up to brush Ashley's hair. "You don't have to be someone you're not just for me. This whole night was wonderful, but Ash, just be yourself."_

_"The thing is, I love who I am when I'm with you," Ashley's eyes met hers once again as she continued, "It's who I'm meant to be. You make me all that I can be."_

_Spencer could only look lovingly into the brown eyes before. She was afraid that if she spoke, she would wake up from her dream; so she safely stayed by not saying anything._

_"I have something else for you, but," Ashley said with a fluttering heart as she reached in her pocket and grasped the ring she had possessed for far too long, "Only if you want it."_

_She lifted the ring before Spencer as the candles flickered on the diamond._

_Spencer gasped disbelievingly and she felt a lump form in her throat. Was this what she thought it was? That would make sense, seeing as how Ashley had gone all out to make this night completely unforgettable._

_"I know I've made my cynicism towards marriage known on many occasions, but with you, the rules don't apply. You're the only one that marriage makes sense with," she stated with focused brown eyes directed towards blue ones. "I've had this ring for a while now, waiting for a time when I'd have enough courage to ask; and now, I believe I do. So," Ashley began with a small smile and a deep breath as she took Spencer's left hand in hers. "Spencer Carlin, will you marry me?"_

_Spencer was sure that hell had just frozen over, followed by a parade of flying pigs and homeward bound cows. Never in their two years and two months together did she even think for once that they would ever get married. Her heart had surely burst in her chest at that particular moment. Ashley had just asked her the big one! She was going to marry Ashley! Sound the trumpets, this girl is engaged!_

_She was so lost in her excited thoughts that she hadn't noticed the uneasy expression fall over Ashley's face. It wasn't until she felt a slight pressure in her hand as Ashley squeezed, that she remembered that she hadn't answered her._

_Ashley had momentarily feared that Spencer was having doubts about it. She had been silent with a blank, unreadable expression on her face and had yet to give an answer. Her heart sank slightly as she was suddenly frightened of what the answer might turn out to be. The bats had taken over, flying sharply into the walls of her chest. They had sprouted claws and had begun digging away at her heart as it sank into her stomach further. The silence was only fueling them on and the more Spencer waited to answer, the more Ashley had begun to regret waking up that morning.  
><em>

_Spencer noticed the fear present in Ashley's eyes and immediately squeezed her hand back, reassuring the brunette that she had absolutely nothing to worry about. Smiling, she brought both of her hands up to softly cup Ashley's face as she replied, "Of course I'll marry you. But, are you sure this is what you want?" She had to ask because she never wanted to push Ashley into anything she didn't want._

_"More than anything," Ashley answered breathlessly as she slid the ring on Spencer's finger. They came together softly in a delicate lip lock, only pulling back for Spencer to admire her ring._

_"You amaze me," she exclaimed with a smile as she held the ring between the fingers of her right hand, studying the brilliant solitaire diamond. "It's so beautiful Ash. Just wait until my parents hear about this. They were sure that you would never want to settle down with me."_

_"Oh," Ashley smiled as she began to announce what was to be another surprise. "They already know. I asked them first."_

_"Are you serious?" Spencer could only laugh as Ashley joined her on the bench again. Ashley had previously positioned the bench so that it was close enough to the edge to over look the city below._

_"Yeah they almost had a heart attack when I showed them the ring." Ashley wrapped her arm around Spencer's shoulders, pulling her as close as possible._

_"I can imagine. You could sink a ship with it" Spencer chuckled jokingly, still amazed by the sheer size of it. She brought her eyes up to take in the city lights below them. "Look at this view. It's breathtaking. What made you pick this location?" Spencer scrunched her nose in curiosity._

_"I wanted you to feel the way I feel every time I'm with you," she replied as she looked deep into Spencer's eyes. "On top of the world."_

* * *

><p>At that moment in the dark and cold hotel room, Ashley felt more like she was six feet under, buried by the weight of a thousand mistakes. She had given her soul, completely and utterly, to Spencer that day, so long ago. She didn't want it back. Twirling the ring around her finger, she tugged slightly until she had removed it. Suddenly her whole body felt its absence. She was naked and void of an identity once held so much by the symbolism of that ring. She had never made a commitment to anything or anyone before Spencer. She had never wanted to.<p>

She clicked her tongue, holding back tears, as she tossed it in the trash can beside the bed. She might as well throw it away as she had done with their whole marriage. What was the point in keeping it? It would only serve as a reminder of all she had lost.

Suddenly, her cell phone that she had laid on the bedside table began blaring through the previously dead quiet room.

She let it ring a couple of times, still consumed by her thoughts, before answering it with a simple, "Yeah?"

"Ashley? Hey, I heard," the voice on the other end sympathetically stated. "Are you okay?"

"Kyla," Ashley began with a sigh, closing her eyes. "I'm not really in the mood to talk right now."

"How could you not tell me what was going on?" Kyla was her sister after all. Shouldn't they share what bothers them with each other, especially when it's this huge? Sure, she had already heard the news from Spencer, but Ashley still should have come to her on her own.

"Probably because I don't want to talk about it," Ashley sighed deeply as tears came to her eyes and anger washed over her.

"Look Ash, I think you need to talk about. It will only hurt you more if you bottle it up inside." Ah Kyla, the voice of reason. She had been there for Ashley so much growing up and all throughout her marriage, especially when things had gotten rough.

"I just got divorced. What do you want me to say?"

"I just want you to be able to vent to me that's all," Kyla pleaded with her.

"Fine," Ashley gave in angrily. "You want to know? Well here you go. Spencer divorced me so she could marry someone else. They are moving to New York and I am completely torn in half. Are you happy?"

"Ash…" Kyla began with shaky breath. She felt so heartbroken for her sister. "I know you don't want to hear this right now, but, maybe it's for the best. I mean you guys have been through so much together that it just can't work anymore. You've grown so far apart. Maybe the only way you can come back together is by finding a way to live without each other." She knew she was breathing false hope through the phone to Ashley.

"That's ridiculous. How are we supposed to come back together if she marries someone else?" Ashley asked sarcastically.

"Who knows?" Kyla certainly did, but she wasn't going to let Ashley in on it. "Maybe it's not as black and white as you think."

* * *

><p>AN: The song used is "A Message" by Coldplay. I would have written my own lyrics, but I suck at that. So, credit goes to Coldplay for the beautiful song.


	3. Not For the Faint of Heart

**Chapter Three**

A soft brush of lips to her cheek pulled Spencer from her thoughts. She averted her gaze from the newspaper article as her eyes came to meet those of her fiancé. Smiling, she folded her newspaper up and took a sip of her coffee before returning the gesture.

"So," her fiancé began cheerfully. "How did it go?" She then seated herself across from Spencer, folding her hands on the small table in front of her.

"How do you think it went?" Spencer replied sarcastically as she lifted the menu before her. "Are you ready to order?" She was avoiding the conversation, that she knew; but she also knew that she was transparent to the woman before her, maybe even to the whole restaurant.

"You really should talk about it all Spencer," the woman said firmly. "It might help you move on."

"I am moving on," she replied convincingly. She wanted so badly to be able move on. It had been so long since she had been truly happy. She peered up from her menu to look at the woman before her, noticing how the short black, messy hair accentuated her bold jaw line. "Jessie, I'm just not in the mood right now to discuss my past." Putting on a forced happy expression, she continued, "Let's talk about the future." She abandoned her menu to reach across and grab Jessie's hands.

"Spencer, we don't have to get married so quickly. You need time to let it all settle and sink in. Don't you think it's a bit fast?"

"I took it slow the first time and look where it got me," Spencer replied with an exhausted expression. "Besides, this is what she wanted." She looked back to her menu. "I think I'm going to get the garden salad with the red wine vinaigrette dressing."

Jessie could only sigh as she fumbled with her menu. "I guess I'll get the same," she replied, defeat present on her face. She knew in her heart that Spencer was putting up a front. She just only hoped that in time, the blonde would be okay.

"I'm so glad you wanted to have lunch today," Spencer said out of nowhere with a smile. "I know you work a lot and sometimes we don't get to have lunch together. It's just nice, that's all."

"Listen," Jessie began hesitantly. "I have a motive..."

Spencer's smile faded slightly as she demanded, "Continue..."

"I made you an appointment today for 3:30."

"An appointment for what?" Spencer asked, her brows scrunched and her voice firm.

"To talk to someone."

"Jessie, I said I'm fine," Spencer insisted, slightly angry.

"But I can tell that you're not," Jessie said sadly. "I don't want to go into this thing if you're not 100%. I know you love me, but..."

"I do love you," Spencer affirmed sincerely as she grabbed Jessie's hand once more, trying so hard to prove her words. "You've been there for me through a lot."

Jessie held their gaze before softly pleading, "Please, for me, just go and talk to them."

Spencer stared at her for a moment with her lips pursed together, wondering what harm it could actually do. Maybe it would be a good idea. There were so many things that she needed to get off her chest. Her shoulders had been weighted down for quite some time; shoving her into the ground to, one day, collapse from it all. It was inevitable. If she didn't free herself, she would ultimately lose herself to the load.

"3:30 you say?" Spencer asked with a shy, unsure smile. When she noticed Jessie nod, she relented. "Okay. Just give me the address of the place."

Jessie smiled a bright toothy smile as she reached into her pocket, fumbling for a minute before pulling out the crumpled business card. Handing it to Spencer, she replied, "It will be a good thing for you. I just know it."

Spencer received the card hesitantly as she looked at the name momentarily.

_Tabitha Locksley  
>Specializing in couples and relationship therapy.<em>

_There is no time like the present._

* * *

><p>"So Spencer," Tabitha began as she flipped open her notebook. They had already gone through most of the 'getting to know you' stuff and were now moving onto the heart of the matter. "Tell me a little bit about Ashley. Or would you rather discuss your fiancé first? It's completely up to you."<p>

Tabitha was a middle aged woman, probably in her forties, with a genuine concern for the well being of others. She had certainly witnessed her fair share of heartache to know well enough how to effectively help those in need who've lost their way. She was a professional in every sense of the word, Spencer noticed and she was sure that Tabitha would never impose any discomfort to her patients. Spencer had been staring at the salt and peppered-haired woman intently, searching for any reason not to trust her. The way the woman fidgeted with her pen, and her gentle voice latent with concern, made Spencer feel at ease. This woman was a living, breathing human; not just some robot Spencer was expected to open up to. No, she was warm and her office was inviting. Spencer felt as though she could tell the woman anything and never once be judged.

"Jessie, my fiancé, is a wonderful person," Spencer began with a smile as she thought of her. "She would never do anything to hurt me."

Tabitha could only nod, as if to silently tell Spencer that it was okay and she could continue. She noticed a hint of doubt in Spencer's voice. Her eyes were a bit shifty and, she could tell from her posture that she wasn't comfortable opening up to people. The doubt that was lacing her voice seemed to be a red flag to Tabitha, but she could that it wasn't going to be something the blonde would easily admit to. She would have to take her time with this patient; ease her in to admitting her own feelings, not just regurgitating what she thought people wanted her to feel.

"Then again," Spencer continued with sadness in her voice. She sighed as she looked into Tabitha's eyes. "I never thought Ashley would either... Of course, I can't blame her completely. I mean," her gaze shifted to her hands as she spoke softly. "I did my fair share of hurting her too."

"Maybe it would be best to start with your fiancé and how you feel about her," Tabitha suggested, wanting Spencer to ease in to the discussion about Ashley a little later. She could tell that there were deep seeded issues there, but discussing the present might make it easier to discuss the past.

"Well, like I said, she is great," she said with a smile, feeling more at ease to talk about Jessie than Ashley. "We met in high school and we had been good friends throughout. I guess you could say we had feelings for each other. She left after senior year to go to college in New York. Then about a year or so ago she returned to LA to work on a TV show. I had been recruited as part of the editing team for it. I guess you could say that we picked up where we left off. It wasn't anything remotely romantic on my part. I just wanted someone to be able to talk to. Ashley had been touring and wasn't really home much. We had been going through a rough patch. I think that I really hurt her," Spencer glanced down sadly. "I never meant to."

"So Jessie was a good friend to you at that difficult time?" Tabitha questioned, wanting to keep the focus off of Ashley for now.

"Yeah, we hung out a lot and she was easy to talk to. I never once thought that there was more going on. I didn't want more to go on," she shook her head in emphasis. "I guess the reason that I'm here is because I have doubts you know?"

Tabitha nodded as she asked, "Doubts like what?"

"I don't want to make any more mistakes," Spencer admitted before adding, "I don't regret marrying Ashley; not for a second. I just regret the way it all turned out. I know I played a huge part in ruining it."

"So you're unsure of marrying Jessie because you think you might ruin your marriage?"

"Jessie can tell I have doubts. I mean that's why she called and made the appointment," she replied, gesturing with her hands as she nodded. "I love her, I do. I know that she's good for me. She's warm and loving and I want to be with her. She's..." She trailed off in search of the right words. She knew what the problem was, whether she wanted to admit it or not.

"Safe?"

Spencer was taken aback by the assumption. "I trust her completely. I know that we could be happy together. We are happy together."

"And why do you think you have these doubts?"

"I'm just having trouble moving on," Spencer stated positively. She decided to just open up to the woman. If she couldn't tell a complete stranger, then who could she tell? "I don't know that I can completely let go of what happened with Ashley. She was the love of my life; but it just didn't work."

"You don't think that it might be too soon to jump into another marriage?"

"I've known Jessie for a long time. She has been my best friend throughout this whole situation with Ashley. She has been there for me while I cried my heart out while Ashley was on tour. She loves me so much; and she shows it every day," Spencer said with a warm smile as she thought about her fiancé.

"You said that you two had just divorced?"

"Yeah," Spencer said as she wiped the tears that began to form. "We did. I did."

"And why did you?"

Spencer thought hard for a moment before sighing and smiling slightly. "Have you ever loved someone so much that you just couldn't be with them anymore?" More tears burned their way across the well-worn paths of her cheeks. It hurt so much to think of all of the reasons she had done what she had, reasons she had a hard time explaining to even herself. Her heart began to eratically speed up as her skin turned cold.

"I'm not sure that I'm following," Tabitha confessed with a confused look in her eyes.

"That every moment you spent with them, you felt them lose their self more and more?"

"You felt Ashley losing herself?" Tabitha asked as she nodding in understanding.

Spencer nodded, agreeing. "Well that was how I was feeling towards the end of our marriage. Like, Ashley was slipping away and all because of me." She lowered her hands and looked down in the regret of a thousand mistakes, her hands shaking as her throat tried desperately to swallow the lump which had formed.

Tabitha handed a box of Kleenexes to Spencer as she let the broken woman continue on.

"I remember the day that I noticed that Ashley had gone off the deep end." Tears were streaming down her face at this point as she wiped her eyes with the tissue. "I felt so guilty. I knew I had to leave her, for her own good. It was around eight months ago. Things had been shaky for a while now. She had just come home from touring. We hadn't been communicating well. She was gone all of the time and apparently I..." Spencer said bitterly. "gave her reasons to be."

* * *

><p><em>A loud slamming door awoke her from her slumber. Spencer squinted her eyes to be able to see in the dark atmosphere of their living room. She had fallen asleep on the couch hours earlier, not long after Ashley had stormed out in a fit of rage. Slowly, she pulled herself up to catch a glimpse of Ashley stumbling through the kitchen, flinging her keys onto the floor and smelling of booze and cigarettes.<em>

_"Where were you?" Spencer asked firmly as she approached Ashley from behind._

_"I was at the studio," Ashley slurred out as she turned to face Spencer. "I felt like writing."_

_"Since when do you get drunk?" Spencer asked angrily. She had never known Ashley to be much of a drinker; only the occasional wine and champagne._

_"Since my wife doesn't want me home," Ashley replied slowly and bitterly as she walked past Spencer._

_"Ash, I only told you to go and cool off. I never said to go get drunk and stay out until four in the morning." Ashley could only look at Spencer with heavily lidded eyes. It suddenly dawned on Spencer that Ashley had been coming home late like this for a while now. "Is that where you go? To the studio to drink every other night?" Spencer was completely worried by this point. How could she not have known that her wife had developed a drinking problem? She must be awfully self absorbed. "Do you have a drinking problem?" She breathed out the last question quietly, dreading the answer._

_Ashley sighed heavily as tears began to form, "I've seen the way you look at her."_

_Spencer scrunched her face up in confusion. What the hell was Ashley talking about?_

_"Jessie," Ashley said angrily. "I've seen how you smile and laugh when you're around her. Are you sleeping with her?"_

_"You are insane!" Spencer exclaimed, her own anger rising to meet Ashley's. "She is just a friend. And you are obviously way drunker than I thought."_

_"I'm not blind," Ashley said through gritted teeth as her muscles clenched and she stared Spencer down.._

_"Yeah," Spencer began. "You know what? We have a good time. It's been forever since Madison moved away; since I had a good friend to talk to and hang out with. Jesus! You get to escape to the studio and hang out with your band buddies. You don't think that I need that too?"_

_"What am I supposed to think? You're happier when you're with Jessie than you are with me."_

_Spencer gasped, "If that is really what you think..."_

_"It is what I think and you know what?" Ashley paused as she grabbed the flower pot and threw it to the ground, shattering it to peices and littering the floor in dirt and flower pedals. "Go be with her! She'll love you more than I ever could!" There was a rage within her that was shining through, showing itself to the saddened blonde before her as cold brown eyes bore straight into blue, hardening in anger with each passing moment.  
><em>

_Spencer was stunned silent, her heart breaking at the scene before her as her skin began to form goosebumps from the chils that traveled up her spine. Never had Ashley been violent before, in all of the 9 years they had known each other. Granted, she had only hurt the flower; but it just wasn't like her. It wasn't like Ashley at all._

_"Ever since that night, I have been waiting and wondering when you're gonna leave me. When you realize that you screwed up," Ashley was crying softly through a clenched jaw, her blood shot eyes pleading with Spencer to be honest. She was adamantly trying to remain stoic and not cry, but for the life of her she couldn't. She could see the fear present in Spencer's eyes; and it had broken her heart to know that she had put it there. "You stayed when you shouldn't have."  
><em>

_"What has gotten into you?" Spencer asked in a whisper as she reached a shaky hand up to caress her inhebriated wife's cheek. Her hand wasn't there long before it was violently shoved away and Ashley retrieted from her angrily. Blue eyes widened in shock as she clutched at her hand in disbelief.  
><em>

_"She died!" Ashley yelled out through tears. "And you act as though nothing is wrong, like you don't blame me! Are you just pretending with me? Going through the motions?"_

_"Of course I am!" Spencer screamed as her own tears cascaded down her face to mix with Ashley's on the cold floor below. "I don't even know how to be happy now. I have been blaming you so much that I hate myself for it." She had never meant for Ashley to ever hear this. "I hate that we can't get past it!"  
><em>

_This statement brought Ashley to the edge. Suddenly, all she could see was red and all she could feel was self-hatred. She had felt that there was something behind those cool blue eyes, something that didn't feel quite right; but she had never expected this. Spencer blamed her, and though she suspected as much, it was quite a difference to hear it outloud. It all made sense now. This shook her to the very core as her heartbeat increased, causing her fists to tighten at her sides. She was suddenly completely enraged with herself; and in her drunken state she became so focused on punishment, punishment for the deserved._

_Spencer noticed Ashley's expression and was all too aware that the brunette was unstable at that moment. Her heartbeat pounded in her ears as she saw Ashley begin to pump her fists at her side and stare at the floor with wide eyes. Regret ran a solid stream through the air as she dispised the words the minute that they had left her dried, quivering lips. Quickly, she moved towards Ashley as she grasped her wife's tense shoulders.  
><em>

_"Ashley, I didn't mean it," she was pleading with her eyes for Ashley to look at her, her fingertips burning into Ashley's skin, never had they gripped something so tight and with so much determination. "I love you... I'm so sorry... Baby, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry."_

_"You shouldn't have to be sorry, Spencer, I'm the one who did it. God, I've hurt you so much... I'm the one who should be sorry!" she finished in an angry growl as she hauled off and thrust her own forehead into the door frame of the kitchen, the sound of bone connecting with wood echoing throughout the house. The force from the impact had knocked Ashley clean off of her feet causing her to be laid flat against the hardwood floor on her back, her head split wide open just at her hairline.  
><em>

_A line of red liquid began to pour down Ashley's white face, running along her nose, as Spencer looked on in horror. Had this seriously just happened? There was a pool of blood accumulating on the floor as she sank down with shaky hands pulling Ashley closer to her and frantically searching for the source of all of the hot blood that began to coat her fingers._

_Ashley was so drunk at that moment that she couldn't feel the pain and throbbing of her forehead. She wasn't even completely aware of what she had done. She could only allow Spencer to pull her close and whisper things that she couldn't quite hear, as her cloudy vision began to fade to black._

* * *

><p><em>Ashley's eyes fluttered open as the pounding in her head overtook her senses. A loud beeping sound penetrated the air causing echoes to bounce off of the walls, framing Ashley in a sea of sound waves. As her eyes adjusted, she could make out a face in the distant corner of the white room. Slowly, she lifted her hand to rub her forehead where the most pain was present. She grimaced as her fingers slid over four metal staples that were holding the seam in her head together. She glanced to her hand to notice an IV protruding from her veins. What on Earth had happened?<em>

_"Spencer…" Ashley said wearily. "Where am I?"_

_Spencer moved off the wall to make her way towards the hospital bed where Ashley lay. "We're at the hospital Ash. You cut your head open," she answered in a cold, upset tone. She had spent the better part of the night worrying and crying, hoping to all that is heavenly that Ashley would be okay._

_"The hospital? I don't understand. The last thing I remember is recording a guitar track for a new song," Ashley confessed with confusion present in her dark eyes as she shakily sat up to face Spencer more squarely._

_"That's what alcohol does to a person," she replied angrily before adding, "How long have you been drinking like this Ash?" She could barely look at her wife; she was pale and lifeless with bags under her eyes. This just wasn't Ashley.  
><em>

_Ashley eyes met pained blue as tears began to form, "I don't know. Since January I guess." She felt that honesty was her best policy and, at that moment, her only one._

_"Four months!" Spencer exclaimed as her anger grew. "Ash, you almost killed yourself! You lost so much blood… I didn't think they were going to arrive in time."_

_"Spencer," Ashley said apologetically as she reached for her wife's hand._

_"Don't," Spencer demanded as she pulled away. "They thought that I had done that to you. Do you know what that was like? To be questioned about beating my wife?"_

_"That's ridiculous," Ashley said with a sigh as she again reached for Spencer's hand. "You would never hurt anyone."_

_Ignoring her attempts to hold her hand, Spencer backed away from the bed as she explained slowly, "I took the liberty of having you admitted into rehab. As your wife, they granted me power of attorney over you until you are able make a case for yourself."_

_"I don't believe this," Ashley said, completely flabbergasted. "You're having me locked away?" __At the very least__, she felt betrayed that Spencer would have her committed._

_"No," she answered with a hollow smile. "I'm getting you help with your obvious drinking problem. I can't do this anymore Ash. Seeing you lay lifeless on a stretcher last night…" She trailed off as tears spilled through her eyelids. "It broke my heart. No... It broke what was left of my heart that had already broken during your violent display."_

_"I never meant for this Spencer," Ashley pleaded as she leaned up to move towards her wife, her hands trembling as they reached out. "You have to believe me."_

_"I can't feel guilty like this anymore," Spencer said shaking her head as she wiped her eyes. "I can't be responsible for you hurting yourself Ash."_

_"What are you talking about?" Ashley was torn, her heart dropping to the pit of her stomach. "Are you leaving me?" She whispered, so scared of the answer she was sure would come._

_"No," Spencer cried with sorrow evident in her voice. "I just want you to find yourself Ash; because that, last night, was not you."_

_"How can I be the same after what happened last year?" Ashley asked with red eyes boring into blue ones. "I can't forgive myself."_

_"I forgive you," she offered with hope in her voice. She wasn't so sure if she did or not; but she knew that Ashley needed so badly to hear it, so she offered it up anyway._

_"How can you?"_

_"Because I need to," Spencer said as a she gently let her hands rest on Ashley's thigh. "So do you."_

_"I can't..." Ashley breathed with regret heavy in her voice. She knew what the consequences would be._

_"Then…" Spencer shrugged as she knew she could never say the words. Ashley wasn't making this easy for her at all. She was giving her a chance here, and she felt like Ashley was just giving it right back._

_"I don't know who I am without you," Ashley cried as she moved to take Spencer's hand in her own._

_"You need to figure it out," she said softly before adding the final nail to the coffin. "On your own."_

_"Don't leave me," Ashley pleaded with a clenched jaw._

_Spencer began to walk towards the door before turning back to offer, "Get through the 28 days of rehab and we'll take it from there."_

_And with that, she left Ashley there in the hospital bed, crying her heart out._

* * *

><p>"So you left her because you felt that she had become self-destructive?" Tabitha asked to clear up the questions in her mind. She didn't quite understand Spencer's logic; but maybe there was more to it.<p>

"No," Spencer shook her head in emphasis. More tears filled her eyes as they burned their way out, spilling onto her shirt. "I left her a few weeks later when I realized how much better off she could be."

With a deep breath, Spencer began to recount the moment she regretted most of all.

* * *

><p><em>24 days later.<em>

_"Hey," Ashley said softly as she enveloped Spencer in a warm, loving embrace, gently hands scaling their way down a soft back. "Thanks for coming today."_

_Ashley had called the previous day to set up a visitation with Spencer at the rehab clinic._

_They walked hand in hand through the gardens of the clinic as Spencer replied, "You don't have to thank me Ash. I'm your wife."_

_"It's a new thing that we're all doing," Ashley explained before noticing Spencer's confusion, "Not taking things for granted." She smiled at Spencer as they came to sit on a bench, overlooking a small lily pond._

_Spencer noticed the glow in Ashley's eyes. She seemed to be much happier, smiling and breathing in life like never before. The world was reflected in the brown orbs in a sense that a small child was seeing it freshly for the very first time. Her shoulders no longer bore the weight of the mistakes of the past and, as the birds chirped, Ashley's aura flamboyantly glowed in peace. This feeling of rebirth had filled the air around them and it saddened Spencer that she wasn't the cause of this happiness within her wife. She had absolutely nothing to do with it and her heart ached at the thought of Ashley ever hurting again._

_"I um…" Ashley began as her heart was pounding in her chest. "I've done a lot of thinking while I've been here and..."_

_Spencer nodded to let Ashley know to continue._

_Ashley took a deep breath before continuing, "I forgive myself Spencer."_

_"Ash," Spencer sighed softly as her eyes came to meet the brunette's. She felt so heavy-hearted at that moment, because she hadn't forgiven Ashley. Yeah, she said she had, but only to convince Ashley to go to rehab. Tears sprang to her eyes as she realized how happy Ashley actually was. She could never pull her down again, ever._

_Smiling, Ashley breathed a sigh of relief as she allowed her eyes to close and capture the moment in her mind._

_"I forgive myself." She began crying as she repeated it over and over. This had been the thing she had struggled with the most while being here at the clinic; forgiveness of oneself is a hard thing to muster._

_Suddenly, Spencer felt in her heart that she desperately needed to let Ashley go. In her mind, it was the only way to protect Ashley from losing herself again. She feared that staying with Ashley would only drive her further down the path that she had been fighting all this time to recover from. She couldn't let herself turn Ashley into an alcohol loving shell again. She would not be her anvil._

_Ashley would eventually see that she didn't have Spencer's forgiveness; and she would be utterly hurt by the lie. This, Spencer knew without a doubt and it scared her to her very core to be with Ashley any longer.  
><em>

_"Ash," Spencer said through her tears. This would be the hardest thing for Spencer to ever utter. Her stomach began churning itself from the inside out as her heart pounded in her ears._

_Ashley opened her eyes to look into Spencer's as she realized the pain that was all too present in the blue eyes before her. She was confused. Spencer should be happy right now; jumping for joy and kissing her mercilessly. She furrowed her brow as swallowed the lump in her throat, fear beginning to kncok on the door to her heart.  
><em>

_"What…" Ashley began as her own heart started its gradual decent into her stomach. "What's wrong?"_

_"I'm not in love with you anymore," she lied, tears pouring over her features as she watched Ashley's face freeze with shock._

_Ashley couldn't bring herself to say anything. Spencer had just admitted to her something she never thought could be possible. Their love was the stuff of legends and it was written in the stars. How could she say something like this? This wasn't supposed to happen. Brown eyes grew darker and hands became shakier._

_"What?" She finally managed to barely whisper out as she stared disbelievingly at the lily pond._

_"I love someone else." She could get the award of the year for best actress. She had said it so convincingly that Ashley had no choice but to believe it. Spencer couldn't even believe the words coming from her mouth. Hatred festered and spewed in her stomach as she saw pain reflecting in brown eyes. How could she have said this to Ashley? She would never again respect herself on any level.  
><em>

_"Who?" She asked, this time much louder and angrier. "It's Jessie isn't it?"_

_Spencer hadn't thought this through completely; because if she had, she would have known that Ashley would guess that it was her platonic friend. Instead of denying it or saying something, anything, she just stared at Ashley with eyes pleading to the brunette not to make her answer._

_"I knew it," Ashley softly announced with a defeated sigh. "I guess I can't blame you for cheating on me. I wasn't there for you for a long time."_

_"Ash," Spencer tried to put an end to it then and there, but Ashley only interrupted._

_"No," Ashley smiled with tears streaming down her face. Her bottom jaw jutted out as she closed her eyes to regain her composure. "It's okay. I forgive you. Being here has taught me that holding all of this anger and guilt will only tear a person apart."_

_Spencer immediately regretted saying what she had. In that instant, she was desperate to turn this around, despite her earlier judgment._

_"Ash, no, it's not Jessie… I …" She couldn't find the words to go back on the two sentences that had obviously broken Ashley's heart._

_Touching her tongue to the roof of her mouth in an attempt to block out the next batch of tears, Ashley gave up. "You should go be with her. And I have group therapy, so" Ashley forced a smile to her face in an attempt to seem okay with the situation. "I'm gonna go."_

_Spencer watched brokenheartedly as Ashley jolted to her feet and walked hurriedly across the yard, the grass indenting as her feet stomped into the ground. In all her life, she had never felt as horrible as she had at that very moment. She had brought this all upon herself; and she would lie in the bed she made._

* * *

><p>"So you see," Spencer pleaded with wet, heavy eyes. "My heart wasn't the only one broken."<p>

"And you think you will repeat your mistakes by breaking Jessie's heart?"

Spencer knew that this wasn't the case at all. She was afraid of spending the rest of her life wondering what would have happened had she not uttered those two sentences. Maybe they would have been okay; or maybe they would have ended up worse off than the night Ashley came home drunk.

"So, why did you tell her you didn't love her if it wasn't true? Surely you could have ended it, like you felt you needed to, in different way."

Spencer had asked herself that same question many times before many times over, never able to generate a plausible reason. She couldn't quite remember, no matter how hard she tried, just what had gone through her mind that day. "I guess because I knew that Ashley wouldn't have given up on us otherwise. If she knew that I still loved her she would never have stopped trying."

"Have you heard from her since that day?" Tabitha asked as she looked over her notes from the session so far.

"Yeah," Spencer nodded as she began to compose herself from her previous crying session. "We continued to live together for a few months after that. However, she managed to stay gone most of the time. She got back into the swing of recording and released an album. She even seemed to be quite happy, which I still chalk up to pretending."

"Okay," Tabitha replied as she lifted the tip of her pen to lightly poke at her bottom lip. "I noticed you mentioned quite a few times of a previous night. The night Ashley couldn't get over. Let's talk about that. It seemed to bother you quite a bit when you mentioned it before."

Spencer's face fell as she opened her mouth slowly to reply, "Oh… that night…"

* * *

><p>Spencer walked through the front door of her once happy home, laying her coat on the small chair just inside the dark, empty house. This had been a emotionally taxing day to say the least. She had been tested time and again in the small room of the therapist's office. Had it helped her at all? That was yet to be seen. Still, she knew that it had helped her just a little bit to be able to vent to someone who had no preconceived notions about the situations discussed.<p>

Slowly, she removed her shoes as she sighed from the relief she felt as her sore feet touched down to the hardwood of her house, cooling them instantly. She sighed as she walked towards the kitchen, flinging her keys into the basket by the microwave. A basket which Ashley had bought for her as she had made it a habbit to lose her keys just about everyday. She smiled softly as she thought of the basket. This house felt so empty to her now; a stark contrast to the life that once existed so perfectly inside the now haunting walls.

She tugged on the cabinet door as she stood on her toes to reach a small cup on the top shelf. Walking over to the refrigerator, she glanced out of the corner of her eye to notice a small picture tucked behind a few envelopes, its corner sticking out to make its presence known.

Her heart rate quickened and she abandoned her glass on the counter in front of her before turning to retrieve the photo. With shaky hands and rapid breath, she moved the envelopes to the side and freed the small photo from its confines. Her eyes closed immediately after exposing it. She was afraid of so much in that moment, fear of allowing her eyes to take in the scene before her mostly.

How had this picture made its way to this spot on her counter top?

With hesitation and a rapid pulse, she opened her eyes and glanced at the picture. A breathy gasp filled the silence as her hand went to her cheek, tears filling her eyes. She had never again wanted to feel this way; so many emotions were overtaking her. How would she ever move on if she was still haunted by this?

Slowly and with a shaky hand, she graced the picture's surface lightly with her finger tips, allowing her tears to rain down her neck. Her mouth opened, quivering, as she fought the hurricane of tears that were about to explode from her sad eyes.

"I miss you," she whispered as she sobbed freely on the counter before her.


	4. My Sister's Keeper

**Chapter Four**

_"No," Ashley pleaded through tears as she raced after her through a long corridor, heart racing and drenched in sweat. "Please, wait," she desperately pleaded, bring her hands up to reach through the infinite space._

_Suddenly, the seemingly endless corridor became longer and narrower as the walls, stained with red, began to close in all around her. She was trapped in the abyss, the only light coming from the end which was nowhere in reach. The ground was quaking as the girl's pace became faster and faster as she disappeared into thin air._

_Ashley came to a stop forcefully, breathing hard with a racing heart as her feet sprouted roots that sank into the cold ground, holding her to the spot. She tugged at her legs frantically, her finger tips bleeding with each scrape across the roots, clawing and yanking with all her might._

_"It's no use Ashley," a stern voice declared, cutting through the air like a knife, encircling Ashley in poisoning echoes._

_She turned her head to the right, trying to make out where the voice had come from. Her eyes squinted as she searched desperately for an answer, continuing to tug hard at her legs, needing to break the roots that only seemed to thicken. She had to free herself. She just had to. It was the only way she could get there in time._

_How could she catch her if she were stuck here?_

_"She's already gone," the voice again bellowed throughout the corridor, shaking Ashley profoundly and laughing as she cried, the tears flowing down like acidic raindrops.._

_"No," Ashley replied through gritted teeth as she determinedly struggled at her feet. "I have to find her."_

_Suddenly, the voice became sinister mocking voices; multiple loud voices, slowly chanting her name. Mocking her and all of her pain and struggles hauntingly_

_"Ashley… Ashley… Ashley…"_

_"Tell me where she is," Ashley demandingly yelled at the top of her lungs as she thrashed at the roots with her skinless fingers, neither giving up and giving in._

_"Ashley," the voices carried on as she began shaking, tremors shooting through her fragile body and violently thrashing her to and fro._

_"No," she yelled once more through desperation, tears blurring her vision as she tried to forcefully fling herself out of the grasp of the roots. It was during that time that several faces, familiar faces, showed themselves around her, laughing and pointing. Huffing and screaming, she began flailing her arms about to try to ward off the unwanted attention._

Then suddenly, the voices stopped and, all at once, the corridor seemingly began to fade away as Ashley felt herself gently being shaken.

"Ashley," a voice said firmly as her eyes drifted open. There was a blurry figure hovering over her, shaking her body gently.

She blinked a few times to adjust to the bright light now streaming in through the curtains and the windows, scrunching her brows as she slowly lifted her head to meet the gaze of the person before her. She yawned from the pit of her chest as she sank back down onto the stiff mattress, rubbing her eyes before saying groggily, "What do you want?"

"It's Friday," Kyla declared, matter of fact as she then stood up and rested her hands on her hips.

"So," Ashley replied as she pulled a pillow over her face, burying herself to fall back asleep. "It's too early to be up."

Sighing and shaking her head, Kyla began unwrapping her sister from her enveloping cocoon. "You have to get up Ash, it's 3:00 in the afternoon." She was becoming impatient with her sister's sleeping habit. Just because Ashley wanted to be a night zombie didn't mean that she should let her.

She had worried that Ashley was sleeping her days away and would miss things that she needed to attend, things that shouldn't be put off. When she had called earlier and didn't receive an answer from Ashley, she decided to just drop in unannounced and pull the miserable girl out of her bed.

Ashley, on the other hand, could only groan in annoyance as she fought blindly for her pillows and blankets. She was in no mood for this wake up call, nor was she in any mood to have visitors. She had been hibernating since the day of the meeting in court, almost four days ago, and she had no plans to go anywhere for at least four more.

"Kyla, can you just please go away?" She asked bitterly as she sat up straight and looked directly into familiar brown eyes, pleading with her sister to give her some peace.

"I would love to Ash," Kyla replied sarcastically as she smiled and threw the blankets and pillows to the floor. "But it's Friday."

"Yeah, so?" Ashley said, equaling her sister's sarcasm with heavy eyes and a scrunched brow. What did it matter what day it was? She was still divorced and miserable.

"So..." Kyla began slowly, hoping her sister would get the message herself as her memory would register. She couldn't do everything for Ashley, even if she was her manager. "AA, remember, Ash? Every Friday for the past seven months?"

Ashley rolled her eyes as she fell back onto the mattress, sighing the whole way. "When am I going to be able to graduate from AA?" she asked with a grunt. "It's not like it does anything for me anyway." Her arm went about waving its emphasis.

"You still need to go Ash," Kyla replied seriously as she jerked her sister up from the bed, bringing them face to face. "Now, more than ever. Plus, you have a show afterwards at 9:00."

With a defeated sigh, Ashley closed her eyes and replied reluctantly, "Fine. Let me get dressed and we can get breakfast." She tilted her head from side to side, loudly popping her neck as she rose to her feet, stretching as she did and sighing in satisfaction. It felt wonderfully relieving to stretch and shrug off the stress and achiness of the days previously. She had never been one to lounge around for an extended period of time, like four days. Complacency had begun to sink into her bones and this caused her joints to be unnaturally stiff and irritated.

Kyla laughed with a hearty smile at her sister's wishful mention of breakfast at this hour. "Ash, it's lunch time. In fact, it's past lunch time."

Ashley turned towards Kyla after stretching her back and limbs, pursing her lips together as if in thought before replying, "Well, some place must still be serving breakfast, right?"

"You're incorrigible," Kyla said with a teasing head shake, laughing lightly. "Go get ready." She shoved Ashley towards the bathroom before taking a seat on the bed, shaking her head with a smirk.

After shutting the door behind her, Ashley flopped down on the side of the tub and turned the hot water on to adjust the temperature for her shower. She was exponentially grateful for Kyla on days like today; the younger energetic girl always seeming to bring her out of her funks. When she had appointed Kyla her manager upon firing her previous one after rehab, she knew that she would never have to worry about losing herself again. Her sister would always be there, taking her job seriously and pushing Ashley every step of the way. Her rock.

As the water heated up, Ashley breathed in the steam and let it fill her lungs warmingly, her thoughts momentarily invaded by the dream and what it had meant. With a shrug, she shook them off and continued to enjoy the warmth seeping into her body a bit longer, bringing her back to life. So much had happened over the past few months that Ashley appreciated times like these; where she could just enjoy the simple things life had to offer.

She knew deep down that she needed to move on; if not for herself, for the people around her. They were a constant reminder that, though it seemed like it, life did not actually end with Spencer gone. She had to somehow put herself back together and figure out what to do next. Spencer didn't love her anymore and nothing would change that. She could waste time waiting for the impossible; or she could march forward with her life.

Was there even a choice?

With a refreshing exhale, the steam left her body to mix with the new steam that escaped from the faucet.

First thing was first, she would start by finding an apartment. Actually… make that breakfast and then an apartment. She smiled wistfully and began removing her clothes.

"So Kyla," Ashley yelled over the pounding of the water on the bathtub below as she pulled her shirt over her head. "What do you know about apartment hunting?" She smiled to herself as she knew that today would be a new dawn; if only she could get past the recurring dreams.

* * *

><p>"I could never get enough, man, you know?" A middle aged man with a Brooklyn accent said through tears as his large hand shakily gripped his coffee cup.<p>

Ashley noticed how sad it made her to see this big tough guy reduced to tears as the weight of what he had done filtered through his mind. She had listened to him week after week discuss his twelve year struggle with alcohol addiction. He tended to relapse quite often; apparently, Wednesday had been the most recent occurrence. She was only grateful to Spencer for getting her help before she ended up as lost in the bottles as he.

She smiled as she thought of Spencer; also grateful for how happy she had seemed lately. Even if it wasn't with her. Jessie was a nice girl, she had to admit. She was stable and kind, treating people with respect and never asking for anything in return. If Spencer was to be with anyone, present company excluded, she couldn't have wished for someone better than Jessie for her. Though it hurt like hell and would for… forever, their divorce was a long time coming she supposed. Way before Jessie had ever entered the picture. They had become this messy nebula of anger and bitterness. Her smile fell quickly as she thought of how she couldn't blame Spencer for ending it when she had. They were a train wrecking repeatedly into itself and any sane person would want to get off at the next station. What had caught her off guard was how soon the station had come.

"…I can't believe how much of a monster I am when I drink," the guy wept again as he recounted his decent into drunkenness. "I just brought my fist up and connected with his jaw. What did he do to deserve it? He had just been a loving and supportive boyfriend. He only wanted me to get help."

Not long after rehab, Kyla had found this great little AA group for LGBT people to get together and support one another through their struggles and addictions. She had figured that it would be a more comfortable fit than other groups, the possibility for discrimination and judgment always high. Ashley couldn't have been more relieved to hear this, as she was nervous enough anyway to talk to a bunch of strangers, let alone reveal her problems to people who might not be so tolerant to her lifestyle.

"I am not gonna let myself lose it like that again," the guy confidently said as he raised he cup to oblige the waiting cups of the others in the circle. "I am taking control of my life. I will not let the drink control me anymore."

The people cheered for the man, clapping offering him support in every way. Ashley could only sigh sadly as she knew that he would be here crying again next Friday. It was the same cycle with him; he would declare his take-back, fall into a slump mid-week, get drunk, hurt someone, and then cry here as he spoke of his behavior. It was almost like clockwork.

"Ashley," a woman said as she broke the brunette from her thoughts.

"Huh?" Ashley lifted her face to meet the gazes of the people, anxious to hear about her week. She didn't often talk much in these meetings, not feeling the need to. She had rehashed her problems enough in rehab as it was and had yet to have cravings for alcohol of any kind. Once you lose the things most important, you wise up.

"Would you care to share anything?" the slightly older woman asked with a hopeful smile. She was the leader of the group, kind and motherly, always trying so hard to include everyone in the discussions. Ashley guessed this was due to her inability at having a family of her own; she was overcompensating. But it suited her just fine, so she had no problems playing the role.

"Um…" Ashley muttered out, wondering if she did care to. She had had a not-so great week and maybe it wouldn't be so bad to discuss it. "Actually, I would."

The woman's face lit up with happiness at the unexpected answer. She had been studying Ashley for a while now and was worried that the brunette was closing herself off. "Okay. Please," she motioned with her hands, gesturing to Ashley that she now had the floor. "Feel free."

"Well," she began as her face scrunched slightly. "I just got divorced this week."

A murmur of gasps escaped a number of the people in the group, as most of them were well aware of what divorce was like. They knew that it was never a good thing for someone in here to admit to, and their hearts genuinely went out to Ashley.

"No," she addressed their concerns with a shake of the head, trying to put their minds at ease. "It's not... I mean… I'm okay with it." She swallowed hard as she smiled a bit to search herself for the truth to this statement.. "I think."

"You don't have to be okay with it Ashley," the leader said sympathetically, her eyes like beacons for Ashley, letting her know that she could be honest without reservation.

"It's just that there was so much pain that we were causing each other," tears began to threaten Ashley as she felt her heart burn slightly. "I think that we needed it, even if I didn't want it. She's happy now, you know, and that means so much to me." She blinked away her tears and fought to keep her composure.

"It takes courage to say that Ashley," a younger man shyly said as he sat next to Ashley, putting his hand gently on her shoulder.

Ashley offered him a small smile before continuing, "I never thought that I would be divorced, you know? Even as I was signing the papers, it wasn't real to me. Then I looked into her eyes and I knew that she needed it. I can remember, as we were leaving the courthouse, I begged her not to do it. I don't even know why really. If you love someone let them go right?"

"I never understood that saying," a woman about Ashley's aged replied with a shaking head.

Ashley smiled a small smile as she looked towards her hands. She noticed how tightly she was gripping the cup at that moment, her knuckles having no color to them. She was surprised the foam cup hadn't collapsed from the pressure. She guessed it was her heart's kindred spirit. Her grip loosened as she began moving the cup, circling the black liquid around. She had never liked the taste of this pathetic coffee; but she had grown quite fond of the comfort it had given her, being just what she needed in a distraction from week to week.

"I do... now," Ashley said softly as her eyes came up to meet those of the young woman. "Don't get me wrong. I'm not happy about it. Not by a long shot…" She paused. "I'm still so in love with her." Ashley cried through a clinched jaw. "That will never change." She sighed heavily as she admitted through hot tears. "But she's not mine anymore, and I remember the day that it sank in, just like it was yesterday."

* * *

><p><em>Three months ago<em>

_Ashley fumbled with her keys as she searched for the lock in the dark of night, standing outside their home. She had been away for two and a half weeks promoting her new album on daytime talk shows, all of the hosts pressing her to address her stint in rehab. She would politely reply with no comment or change the subject. Much to her surprise they didn't force her to answer._

_Didn't they ever just care about the music?_

_It had been a tiring few weeks and she was as relieved as ever to finally be able to come home. Things had been rather rocky between the two of them since that day at the clinic in front of the lily pond. She had refused to come to terms with what Spencer had so freely admitted. Instead, she threw herself aimlessly into her music, making quite possibly the most heartbreaking album of her career. Each song was heavily laced with such brutal honesty; anyone who listened would undoubtedly feel as though they had intruded upon her life. Many of the tracks were bitter, directed towards her relationship with Spencer. She had invested every last bit of herself into this album, venting like never before. It was only ironic that, being the most painful album to make, it was her bestselling album thus far._

_Her title track, 'Dust', had been played on the radio quite frequently and it was the song that had hurt Spencer the most. The lyrics had been all too painful and Ashley's voice sounded so resentful in the song. She sighed as she thought to the chorus._

_So go on and tear it up_  
><em>Black and cold with the dust<em>  
><em>Cus' I believed in the Lord<em>  
><em>But he don't show up anymore<em>

_The lyrics weren't even the worst part. She sang it with such an angered demanding tone, almost growling out the lyrics in certain sections. She had hoped that Spencer would never hear the song as, surely, nothing good could come of it. She had been so angry when she recorded it that she had added a line to the second verse that wasn't originally intended to be in the song._

_If I came home, would you get down on your knees?_

_What she had meant with the line, she'll, herself, never understand. Was she asking Spencer to plead with her to stay? Was she demanding some sort of sick, forced sexual act? The way she sang it left it up to imagination, and she was sure that Spencer had been imagining what she had meant._

_She deeply regretted the song of course; it was only unfortunate that it surrounded her, being one of the biggest singles thus far in the year._

_She had appeared to be happy to the outside world for the past four months. However, appearances aren't always what they seemed. She put up the front for her own sanity, knowing she would be consumed by the darkness if she let herself be sad and angry. It had been a while since she had seen Spencer and she was hoping that she would be home to talk. She desperately needed to explain the album that had probably hurt and angered her wife, needing to say that it wasn't directed towards her, just their situation; to make Spencer understand how hurt she was, how she didn't mean any of it. Sometimes, it's not such a good idea to get so emotional in your music._

_Finally forcing the key into the elusive keyhole, she turned the knob and broke through the door, walking in slowly and ditching her things along the way until she came to the living room where she noticed Spencer sitting alone in the dark, staring at their pictures on the wall._

_Suddenly, Ashley felt the temperature drop around her as Spencer brought her sad blues eyes to meet sorrowful brown. "I'm glad you're here," Ashley began with a shaky voice before being cut off. "I..."_

_"How did your promotions go?" Spencer asked, holding back her tears and wishing for Ashley to just not say anything. She had heard the song and, though it felt deserved, it had still cut her deeply._

_"Um…" She was caught off guard. She hadn't expected Spencer to deflect her from her explanations. "I guess they went well."_

_Spencer nodded as she looked away, sighing before speaking softly. "We need to talk."_

_"Yeah… About the album…" Ashley agreed as she shakily took a seat across from Spencer on the coffee table, wincing as she remembered how much Spencer hated when she sat on it._

_"It's okay Ash," Spencer assured her, nodding her head sullenly. It really wasn't, but she would never get through this if she allowed herself to succumb to the pain. They would only end up in another argument, saying things they didn't mean. More lies. God, she really was a hypocrite._

_"I know the songs are really personal and I'm sorry if they hurt you in anyway," Ashley insisted through a genuinely sincere expression. Her brown eyes were softening blue ones as Spencer broke their gaze. "I never meant for that."_

_"You needed to vent and I don't blame you," she replied quietly, shaking her head._

_"That's bullshit," Ashley declared before explaining. "You should be hurt and angry with me. I made an album full of bitterness towards you."_

_"I'm not," she lied. She was becoming quite the liar lately and she hated it so much. She just had to keep up this front though, how else could she leave Ashley. "And it really is okay. I don't hate you if that's how you think I'm supposed to feel."_

_"Look," Ashley shook her head to shift the conversation. "I know what you said before… at the clinic. About not loving me anymore." She paused before gathering the courage to continue. Swallowing, she looked back up and barely muttered through a shaky whisper, "Do you still feel that way?"_

_Spencer sighed heavily as tears filled her eyes. No, she loved her so much. More than Ashley could ever realize, but she couldn't say this. She had to follow through with her plan. Ashley had come so far back from that horrible night in the hospital after cracking her head. She had been the reason for Ashley's downward spiral with the way she had been so distant and awful to Ashley for the past couple of years. Ashley had finally found herself and changed for the better. She could never be responsible for a relapse. She just couldn't. In time, Ashley would understand right?_

_"Yes," she breathed out her soft lie of an answer._

_Ashley could only nod. She had been hoping against everything that this recent time apart had caused Spencer to realize that she hadn't meant it; that they could find each other again and move past it all. Somehow though, it hadn't worked out that way. She stood to quickly turn away from Spencer, needing to mask her discomfort and shield herself from the look in cold blue eyes. However, if she had immediately turned back around she would have seen the sorrow and love of a thousand lifetimes reflecting back upon her._

_"So, now what?" Ashley asked through tears, dreading the answer immediately. A silence fell over them, as she knew what was coming; she had for a while now. It had been hovering over her like a black cloud of imminent doom and now it was time to face it head on and heart open._

_Somehow though, she thought she could change it. That if she gave Spencer time and space, maybe the blonde would come around and they could rebuild their life together, brick by heavy brick. She sighed as she thought of how stupid this idea had been; too much space had caused them to drift apart to begin with, never to return._

_"I filed for divorce," Spencer stated, forcing her composure back and hating herself so much right then. How she had been able to actually utter this lie was beyond her and it was during that particular moment in which she decided that Ashley deserved so much better._

_Sighing with a bitterly fake smile, Ashley shook her head and pursed her lips. She just couldn't believe this. It wasn't true was it? Shaking her head again, she turned around angrily._

_"If that's what you want then whatever," she replied and slowly began to walk away towards the stairs leading to the basement where her music room was, her fortress of solitude._

_"Ash," Spencer said as she grabbed her wife's arm in an attempt to stop her from running away. She would give anything to take everything back and once again be able to look into brown eyes before smiling and leaning in for a passionate kiss._

_Ashley, however, had had enough but she had managed to somehow fight the urge to jerk away from the soft hand on her bicep. "I knew that you would leave me," she said softly as she looked at her feet. "I just knew that one day you would look at me and think if only it had been me."_

_"It's not your fault Ashley. I would never think that." Spencer pleaded and turned Ashley's head with gentle yet shaky hands to meet their eyes together in a torturous gaze. "We've just grown apart so much ever since…"_

_"You don't think I know that?" Ashley asked with a raised voice, intercepting Spencer before she could bring it up. She wasn't in the mood to talk about it; only put it on the backburner until a later date when it would threaten to free itself and suffocate her once more. "I just thought that we could work it out. You know? For better or worse right?"_

_Ashley wasn't giving up and Spencer didn't know what else she could say to her. She couldn't tell her the truth because Ashley would just deny it all; saying that Spencer was crazy if she thought she was the reason for Ashley's problem. The brunette would then only plead with her to give them another try. Spencer felt that she didn't deserve that with Ashley. No, Ashley needed to be Spencer-free so that she could live her life and not drown in it. Even if that didn't make sense at all._

_"Jessie asked me to marry her," Spencer blurted out of nowhere, surprising even herself. This was far from the truth but she knew it would work. Ashley would give up._

_"What?" Ashley asked angrily, not believing the words as they hung in the thick air. She felt her whole world stop in that moment, her heart even stopped beating._

_Spencer nodded with tear-filled eyes. "It's true."_

_Ashley was stunned beyond belief, her eyes quickly shifting from side to side. She swallowed the lump in her throat as she fought so hard to bring her eyes up to meet Spencer's. It was during that moment that she knew she had lost the fight. Defeated, she her squeezed eyelids shut as her jaw clenched tightly and backed away from Spencer. She sighed before mustering up the courage and asking in a broken whisper, "Do you love her?"_

_"I said yes," Spencer could only whisper out as she lost all respect for herself in that moment. There was no way on this Earth that she could force herself to answer yes to Ashley's question. Love was such a monumental thing to confess and once felt it was forever binding. Her love was standing in front of her and, though they were so far apart in every aspect, she could never love another nor confess it._

_Ashley smiled a large fake smile as she bit down on her bottom lip and tilted her head away from the blonde. "Well, you said 'I do' to me or have you forgotten that?"_

_"Ash," she said as she regretted her very own existence._

_"No," Ashley said as she her expression softened. "I want you to marry her. Marry her and buy a big house with a dog… sit on the porch swing and discuss politics or whatever the hell else you two have to talk about. And one day, maybe when you're lying in bed with her," Ashley's voice cracked as her heart spilled out her eyes. " You'll look back and think about how you wished you had left me sooner because she will have been better than I ever was."_

_"That's not true," Spencer reprimanded as she shook her head and tears escaped, her voice sobbing out as she desperately tried to push Ashley's words from her mind. Hesitantly, she brought her hand up to softly cup Ashley's cheek, needing to say something that could negate the possibility of that scenario ever happening. "You're amazing, don't you get it? WE just aren't anymore. I will never regret you, Ashley. Until this universe implodes upon itself, I will never regret our life together."_

_"I want you to be happy," Ashley exhaled as she leaned into the soft hand, allowing Spencer's words to settle within her, knowing without a doubt that they had been sincere. Spencer was right. They were not the same couple that had said their vows and enjoyed sneaking kisses in her parents' house. They had become a hollow shell of that and it would only serve to further tarnish the memory of what had been if they stayed together out of obligation. This was it and she could tell, so she relished the last shred of contact she was sure they would have. Reaching her hand up to engulf the shaky one on her cheek, she needed to put on a brave face and let the blonde go. "If it's not me, then it's not me... I'm so sorry for everything."_

_"Me too, and if you never believe anything, please believe that." This was the truest thing that Spencer had ever said as she noticed Ashley pull away abruptly, reaching for her jacket and keys. Momentarily she feared what the brunette might do. She hadn't thought before that this could cause her to turn to her demons._

_"Please don't lose yourself again Ashley. Please," she pleaded as the brunette turned towards her from the doorway. "It's not worth it. I need to know you'll be okay. Promise me."_

_Ashley could never deny those pleading blue orbs. She felt so much anger and guilt in that moment; the moment her marriage had seemingly dissolved into the wrinkles on her brow. Her eyes bore into Spencer's as she knew she could never lose herself again, no matter how much it hurt. And it did hurt, much more than anything ever had in her life. Though Spencer had broken her heart in that moment, still, she knew that she needed to be someone that the blonde would be proud of. That was her purpose in life._

_"I promise."_

_Then she walked through the door, leaving it all behind and wishing for the strength to let go._

* * *

><p>She had stuck to her promise, never again touching a drink. Maybe it was the false hope that drove her to keep her promise, that one day Spencer would come back to her. Or maybe she thought it would deeply hurt Spencer if she ever succumbed to the dark temptations again. She could never intentionally hurt those blue eyes. Either way as she sat back stage on this Friday night as she was waiting for her time to perform, she knew that she never would lose herself again.<p>

She also knew that she had a show to put on, however small it may be. She was a big time star, yes, but she never wanted to be too big for club shows. They were, by far, her very favorite. There just weren't enough words to describe why. They were intimate and homey. She felt more comfortable on their stages than say, a stadium. She had played scattered stadium shows across the globe from time to time, but she relished the chances to get on a small stage and perform for a couple of hundred people, giving them a most intimate experience.

"Are you ready Ash?" Kyla asked before spouting some demand into her walkie talkie. "The lights are a go? Okay. Make sure that the red doesn't overpower the blue like last week."

Ashley smiled at her charming sister. No matter how bossy the short girl could be, she always managed to be sweet at the same time. It was quite endearing.

"Yeah, I'm ready as I'll ever be." She smoothed down her ripped up Sex Pistols shirt before flinging her guitar strap over her shoulder.

"Okay, just remember," Kyla began apprehensively, dreading what may come of the show should Ashley's unpredictable urges show their face. "Keep it unplugged this time. You're billed as an unplugged session and we haven't done sound check on any of your electric guitars. Need I remind you what happens if they aren't properly grounded?"

Ashley laughed lightly as she thought back to how angry Kyla had been when she whimsically decided to add an electric guitar song to the end of her regular acoustic set. She had just been feeling rash that day and needed something to lift her up; so instead of playing her number one acoustic ballad, she morphed into her own rendition of "Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin via her Flying V.

Sure, she was a singer songwriter, something akin to a more ballsy John Mayer, but she could rock out with the best of them.

"Don't worry Kyla," she assured her worried sister. "I'm not Rashley Ashley today." She laughed, mocking herself. "I don't think I want to play 'Dust' tonight though. That was a horrid song that should never have been written." Her eyes pleaded with Kyla to be okay with it.

"Ash," her sister replied with a grimace, bringing her hand up to clench the bridge of her nose. "That's your hit!"

"Yeah," Ashley replied slowly. "And it's _my_show. I thought I'd play something I wrote yesterday instead."

"Okay," Kyla relented as if she ever had a choice in the matter. It wasn't as though Ashley would listen if she had said no.

As she struck the last chord to the song, she looked up towards her excitedly over-packed crowd. She smiled brightly as she felt the familiar tingling feeling, which performing brought, rush through her body. She glanced at the waiting faces of her adoring fans as they clapped and shouted, starting a unison chant for the song "Dust."

She frowned a she shook her head, slowly bringing her lips to the microphone. "I'm actually not playing that song tonight. I know you all love it and I'm sorry, but... That song should have never been written. It was way too bitter and hurt someone who didn't deserve it. I don't think I can bring myself to ever play it again."

The crowd began to sigh as they looked on confused.

"But don't worry," Ashley quickly added as she smiled. "I have new song that I think you'll like even better…" Her eyebrows rose in an almost challenge as she smirked at the audience and positioned her slim fingers on the correct frets for the opening chords.

As she glanced out once again, she halted her voice abruptly as her heart began to race, the fear and astonishment taking up residence along her spine. There, in the dark crowd, was a face so haunting, one that shook her to her very core; a face with a spot light seemingly fixed on her, illuminating her from the rest of the faces in the crowd.

How could this be? She wasn't supposed to be here.

No. Ashley shook her head as the fear traveled up her spine and washed over her face. She was frozen to the spot, sitting shakily on her lone stool. Her hand began to shake rapidly as her guitar reacted with sounds from the effects of the vibrations. All at once, she felt so small and powerless in a place that normally made her feel invincible. Breathing wasn't an option.

The crowd began frantically following her line of vision with their own eyes, searching for whatever had stopped the singer's anticipated performance.

She lightly inhaled as her mouth opened, quivering and not letting her get much more out than, "I… uhh…"

Her eyes were wide with shock and she stared straight into the familiar eyes; eyes pleading with her to do something. The figure began to move towards Ashley, smiling with each step. Ashley felt her heart begin to pound in her ears, causing the noise from the crowd to dissipate. Their eyes locked as the girl held up a hand, pointing to Ashley, willing her to follow.

Ashley couldn't move; she could barely breathe as her whole body seemingly fused to the stool upon which she sat. Her soft eyes had such a powerful effect on Ashley and in that moment, time stood still, begging for Ashley to make the next move. What was she to do?

As it became apparent that Ashley was not going to comply, the figure frowned with disappointment as she turned on her heels and quickly made her way through the crowd, leaving the catatonic singer to her shock.

Kyla noticed the sudden change in Ashley's demeanor, and right away took the stage quickly to pull the singer from her stool. She immediately put on her professional voice and apologized, "I'm sorry for the delay, but we are having technical difficulties. We are working on a solution. Please take an intermission and the show will resume shortly."

Ashley's eyes remained on the retreating form as Kyla pulled her from the stage, the crowd becoming a little restless as the house lights went up.

Once they were backstage and out of earshot of anyone, Kyla turned her attention to her sister, gripping her shoulders. "What's wrong with you?" She asked frantically, desperately trying to break her from her trance.

"Kyla…" Ashley sighed out with wide eyes, still in a daze. "I saw her."

Kyla frowned as she realized the heaviness of that statement. She knew without a doubt whom Ashley was referring to. Sadly though, she also knew that there was no possible way for Ashley to have seen her there in crowd. Sympathy washed over Kyla as she held tightly to her trembling sister's shoulders.

She pulled her sister around and forced her to look in her eyes, before assuring her the way a mother would assure a child that no monsters lived under the bed. "You didn't see anyone Ash. She's not there." She cupped Ashley's face as she pleaded with the shocked singer to come to her senses.

"I know what I saw," she replied, firmly pulling herself from Kyla and pointing in the direction of the crowd. "She was right there… looking at me…" Her voice faltered as her eyes began to tear up, brown eyes pleading with Kyla to believe her.

Kyla sighed remorsefully as she pulled her sister into a consoling hug, knowing that Ashley was in absolutely no position to take the stage again.

"Ash, it's okay. You don't have to finish the show."

Ashley gripped Kyla tight as she laid her head on her shoulder, letting the tears run down to wet the shirt Kyla was wearing.

"The way she looked at me…"

"It's okay," she assured. "You can take a breather. Let's go get you some water."

"What am I gonna do?" Ashley begged for an answer, her eyes still wide as her voice choked.

Kyla could only manage a shrug as she led Ashley down the hall and to a small room, opening the door and flipping the lights on. It was the small worn out dressing room of the theatre and the lights from the vanity flickered as they had for many artists before her. Somehow, Ashley instantly felt more at ease with the tired bulbs illuminating her tear stained face and she slowly made her way to the black leather couch in the middle of the room, letting herself fall freely down to be engulfed by the fluffy cushions.

Kyla's heart went out to her sister, breaking a little as she noticed the fallen expression on the singer's face. It had been a struggle for Ashley to get over what had happened, to be able to push her guilt aside. Kyla believed that she had succeeded finally; but seeing her strong sister in such a weak state made her all too aware that the road to recovery had yet to come to an end.

"I thought you were past all of this Ash," Kyla asked as she joined her to sit on the couch, pulling Ashley's head to lay on her thighs.

"I was…" Ashley sighed defeated. "I had forgiven myself. And then, this week… I started having the dreams again. She's there every night, Kyla." Her eyes looked scared and tired, like those of a small child.

Kyla softly ran her hand over Ashley's soft messy curls as she glanced upon the broken person before her. "It's probably a result from all the stress you've been feeling. I mean, you did just go through a divorce. Maybe the past is coming back as you reflect on your life with Spencer."

Kyla sighed sympathetically as Ashley quivered in her arms. If only she could tell her sister that Spencer hadn't meant any of it. Then, maybe things could get better for the both of them. Who was Spencer kidding anyway? Only herself, kyla knew as she remembered a conversation the two of them had had while Ashley was holed up in the recording studio.

* * *

><p><em>Knock. Knock. Knock.<em>

_Kyla waited patiently at the front door of her sister's Santa Monica home. She had come over to discuss the promotional ideas for the upcoming album, knowing full well that Ashley wouldn't care either way. Her main job as Ashley's manager was to make the big decisions that Ashley didn't care to make, however, she still felt the need to discuss them with her. She had Ashley's complete trust and she knew that no matter what she decided, Ashley would be fine with it. The singer was more about the music than the business anyway. Fortunately for her, that was Kyla's specialty since receiving her masters from Stanford in both Buisness Management and Public Relations. She never imagined throughout her whole college career that she would one day be in charge of a highly demanded musician's public image, so to speak._

_Slowly a door opened, revealing a rather disheveled looking Spencer. Kyla could immediately tell that the blonde had been crying, probably for hours on end. They had grown close since becoming in-laws; confiding in one another endlessly and trustingly about the things that mattered to them. Kyla regarded Spencer as more of a true sister than just a sister-in-law, caring whole-heartedly about her wellbeing. Ashley couldn't have done better in picking a wife._

_"Spence," Kyla gasped as she immediately threw her arms around the discontent woman before her. "What's wrong?"_

_Spencer was crying uncontrollably into the crook of Kyla's neck by that point, letting her emotions run wild. She felt so at ease around Kyla; and at that point, she desperately needed to talk to her best friend._

_"Kyla, I've done something awful," she replied through choked sobs as they parted. "I really could use your help right now."_

_"Anything," Kyla said without hesitation, abandoning the reasons she had stopped by in the first place. "You know I'm here for you, no matter what."_

_Spencer nodded a small comforted nod as she pulled the brunette into her foyer, closing the front door behind them. She momentarily feared that Kyla would, inevitably, hate her upon learning of her recent actions._

_"I umm..." Spencer whispered, unsure of where to begin or what to say first, her body trembling and her breath shaky._

_"Why don't we go sit in the living room," Kyla said softly as she tugged on the blonde's arm. She could tell that whatever was going to be said was something of monumental importance._

_They slowly entered the dark comforts of the large living room, sitting beside each other on the couch as Spencer began to compose herself a bit. She knew that it would be completely impossible to keep it together and confess to Kyla everything that had happened; yet she knew that she needed to at least try._

_"You know that I love Ashley more than anything in this world," she declared with an affirmative nod. She had to clear that up first and foremost before continuing; as she was sure it wouldn't seem like she did once she was done._

_Kyla scrunched her brows slightly as she replied without doubt, "Of course I do."_

_"Well Ashley doesn't," she said as tears burned their way through her eyelids and down her cheeks._

_"What are you talking about, Spencer? Of course Ashley knows you love her," Kyla said firmly as she rubbed the blonde's back reassuringly. "Why would you say that?" She was utterly confused. Ashley hadn't once let on that anything was wrong with the two of them, at least not anything major._

_Spencer couldn't hold it in any longer; it was threatening to pull her apart at the seams. "I told her that I wasn't in love with her anymore," she blurted out as she tasted the bitter taste of disdain laden with each word._

_Kyla was in shock. She didn't know what she felt at that point exactly; all she knew was that she needed to know what on Earth could have prompted her to say such a heartbreaking thing, especially if it wasn't true. She knew without a doubt that it wasn't. "What? Why would you do that?"_

_Spencer was balling as she shook her head over and over. "I don't..." she paused as she couldn't finish the sentence which she knew would be a lie. She did know why, even if it made no sense. Deciding that it would do no use to cry, only make it that much harder to talk, she composed herself and wiped her sore eyes. "I don't know how much she tells you," Spencer continued, opting for a different approach._

_Kyla searched herself for what Spencer could possibly mean. She had known of Ashley's stint in rehab and the drinking problem. Other than that, what was there for her to know?_

_"Ashley and I haven't been okay for while, ever since..." She trailed off, not wanting to open that particular can of worms today. She had enough to discuss as it was. "Before rehab, she stayed out late almost nightly. We weren't talking. She would, unbeknownst to me, drink herself senseless and then come home after I had gone to bed. I blame myself for it really," she declared sadly as she scrunched up her face with anger, directed towards herself. "I should have been more perceptive to my own wife."_

_"You can't think that way," Kyla begged as she shook her head too. "You guys just haven't been the same. It's no one's fault."_

_"She thought I was cheating on her!" Spencer exclaimed loudly as tears spilled once more. "I did enough to make her believe that. I spent so much time and energy blaming her for what happened that I pushed her away from me. I remember the look in her eyes every time that I told her I wasn't in the mood, that I was tired. Or..." she shook her head as she swallowed, thinking of her next words. "The way I couldn't look in her eyes, for fear of reliving what happened. She could feel me pull away." Spencer continued to bawl her eyes out. "And I didn't want to. God, I didn't want to, but I didn't know how to stop it! I was powerless to stop it!"_

_Kyla forcefully pulled the frantic woman into her arms as her eyes remained wide from shock. She had no idea that all of this had been going on. Ashley evidently hadn't let her in on very much. "Spencer, shhh. It's not your fault. You were hurting so much. You still are."_

_"I turned her into an empty shell," she cried out as she gripped Kyla tightly. "She almost killed herself because of me. I told her I loved someone else. I'm so horrible, Kyla."_

_"You're not horrible," Kyla shook her head as she held the weeping blonde. She was something alright, but the conclusion she was horrible would have to wait until she had time to gather more facts. "Why would you say that to her?" She knew that she had to be sympathetic, but Ashley is her sister. She had loyalties._

_"At the rehab clinic, when she finally forgave herself," Spencer pulled away as she recounted the eventful day. "I could see a glow in her eyes. She seemed so at peace with herself and happy; a complete 180 from the night before I admitted her. You didn't see her that night. I died so much inside from seeing her lie in that bed, pale faced and lifeless again. My heart broke so much. Then at the clinic, when she was so happy, she was Ashley again." She smiled lovingly at the memory. "I was so scared. I knew that I would only drive her to it again because I just can't forgive her. I can't let her back in; and I want so much to be able to. God, if only I could. I love her so much, but her eyes haunt me. I look at her and all I can see is that night. I hate myself so much for it, Kyla."_

_Kyla was fighting with her mind to wrap around this information. She felt her own heart break for the couple as she sat there listening to the confessions of the torn woman next to her._

_"I have to let her go Kyla," Spencer said determinedly. "For her own good. You have to understand. Please," she gripped Kyla's hand tightly. "Please, help her let me go."_

_Her eyes pleaded desperately with Kyla as the brunette knew that she had no choice in that matter. If Spencer believed that Ashley needed this, then she trusted her. "Spencer, I don't know what I can do. I mean, she loves you. Maybe you can work it out."_

_"I can't hurt her anymore."_

_"You don't think this hurts her?" Kyla asked hesitantly._

_"I know it does," she paused as she felt more tears. She would never be done crying over this. "But I love her too much to destroy her; and that is what will happen if I stay with her."_

_"None of this makes sense," Kyla began crying as she shook her head, looking for an answer. "I don't even know what to say."_

_"I'm filing for divorce," Spencer admitted through tears, sighing as she closed her eyes and clenched her hands together._

_"Spencer..." Kyla began, abruptly being interjected._

_"No," she demanded. "I have to. It's the only way that she will be okay... and I need her to be okay. Please... help me."_

_She had sounded so desperate in that moment that Kyla knew she had to protect her sister. If Spencer was going to hurt her either way, then let it be the lesser of two evils. A clean break, rather than a long lasting ache that would slowly build over time, overwhelming all in its path._

_"Fine," Kyla agreed reluctantly, knowing this was bound to be a mistake._

* * *

><p>Kyla regretted so much that she had done; sleeping around during college, not being there enough for her mother, but most of all, lying to her sister. It was eating her up inside to lead her sister to believe that Spencer was happily in love with someone else and about to be married. Why they had decided to convince Jessie to marry Spencer was beyond her. Maybe that was the only way Ashley could let it all go. Who knows? It had become such a sick, twisted web of lies that she had forgotten what the point even was, that is, until seeing Ashley so distraught in that moment. She knew they had done the right thing, even if they had gone about it the wrong way.<p>

"Ash," Kyla replied as she brought herself from her thoughts. "You just really need to let it all go... Spencer, the accident, everything. It will only eat you up inside and you will wake up one day and wish you'd had the courage to move on." She knew that she had sounded a bit harsh, but it was true. They all needed to let it go. Life is way too short to spend it living in the pain of the past.

"But how can you ever really let go of someone like that?" Ashley asked quietly as she sat up next to her sister, wiping her eyes in the process. "I know Spencer hasn't forgiven me. She may think that she has, but..." She paused to sigh as her eyes flooded again. "Kyla, I took her life. That will never go away for either of us."


	5. Memories, Sharp As Daggers

**Chapter Five**

_"Spencer," Ashley said as she forcefully grabbed her wife's arm to turn her back around, preventing her from storming off further. She had been chasing her wife for the past five minutes, dodging partygoers and hosts alike, trying desperately not to make a scene in front of everyone at the party. "This is ridiculous. Would you please stop?" She more so demanded than questioned with a disbelieving chuckle as they came to a stop in front of the driveway._

_Spencer reared her face around to catch the incredulity present in the brown eyes before her. "It amazes me how you think this is so damn funny Ashley," she gritted out through anger, on the verge of tears. She could not believe that Ashley was seemingly laughing at her when all she could do was hold back the burning tears as she thought of the way Ashley had been acting. "Are you sleeping with her?"_

_"What?" Ashley was completely thrown for loop by the question. "Why would you ask that? Spencer?"_

_"Gee…" she paused as she pretended to think of an answer, touching her finger to her chin mockingly. "Let's see, you've been spending more time with her lately than with me. Um… you ask me to come to this stupid party with you and I spend the majority of it watching you hang on her every word. God, Ashley, did you even know what I was doing while you guys talked about your plans to conquer the music charts?"_

_Ashley could only stare straight, speechless and frozen, into the pained blue eyes as she clenched her jaw tight and averted her gaze. She knew well enough that she had ignored her wife, but she hadn't meant to. It was a party and several people were falling over themselves for the chance to talk to her about her album, a surefire confidence booster if nothing else._

_Spencer sighed heavily as she continued to wait for the answer that she knew was not going to come. She was so upset by this point. She hadn't even wanted to come to this hot shot record label party; and as far as she knew, Ashley wasn't even remotely excited about going either. That is, until Francesca Gomér had called to personally invite them. She was the hottest producer in music at that moment and Ashley had been over-the-moon to have her work on her latest album._

_"Yeah, I didn't think so," Spencer said angrily as she turned away in the direction of their car, her sapphire blue dress bouncing wildly with every step, trying to get as far away from everyone as possible._

_Ashley sighed in frustration as she began running after her again. "Spencer, wait. This is insane. What do you want me to do?" She yelled as they came to a stop in front of a black Porsche._

_"I don't know Ashley," Spencer replied sarcastically. "Act like you fucking have a wife and stop flirting shamelessly with your producer." It wasn't often that she would use such profanity, but by this point she was livid._

_Ashley chuckled through a sigh as she closed her eyes. "I was not flirting." Nor was she helping matters at that moment by laughing._

_Spencer shook her head, closing her eyes as tears began to run down her cheeks. "You don't think that I noticed the knowing glances and not-so subtle touches? I mean God," she choked out as a sob overtook her, raising her hands in emphasis. "I've been on the receiving end of those for years. I know them all too well."_

_"Spencer, it's not even like that," Ashley replied softly as her hands ran up her wife's arms, trying with all her might to sooth her discomfort and calm her fears._

_"I know what I saw Ashley," Spencer hesitated before continuing through a sob as tears continued to fall freely, jerking out of the gentle grasp. "Either you've slept with her or you haven't."_

_"I haven't," Ashley insisted with wide eyes as her heart began to pound in her ears. She had a confession, yes, but it wasn't that one. "I mean she wanted to but…"_

_"Oh, that's just great," Spencer stated with a sarcastic smile as she brought her hand up to smack her own forehead. "God, how stupid am I? All those times you worked late in the studio with her… I should have known what was going on."_

_"No, Nothing happened," Ashley demanded as her eyes firmly pleaded with Spencer. "We just hung out and talked. She gets me, where I come from. She's been there."_

_Spencer pursed her lips together as more tears began to silently fall. "Perfect," she exhaled as she pushed past Ashley to open the passenger side door. "And I don't right?" And with that, she climbed in, slamming the door and shutting Ashley out._

_"Spencer," Ashley said through closed eyes and a clenched jaw, pounding the roof of the car with her fist as she opened the driver's side door to join her wife inside. "I love you." She pleaded with her as her hand came up to force tear filled blue eyes to look at her. "I would never cheat on you."_

_"Did you fall for her?" Spencer breathily asked as her tears subsided. She needed desperately to be strong in that moment._

_Up until a few hours ago, she was completely happy in her marriage with no problems what so ever; and Ashley had given her no reason to believe differently. But then she saw it. She saw them together, and it made her stomach churn._

_Ashley shook her head slightly as she looked down at her hands, shaky and fidgety. She couldn't force her mouth to form the words that Spencer needed to hear, words that would put her mind at ease. She could never lie. Something was between her and her producer, but she didn't understand it. "I am in love with you and I always will be. You're it for me and nothing could ever change that," she replied as she looked up into cool blue eyes, eyes that were begging her for truth._

_"Then what is it?" Spencer asked, flabbergasted. She couldn't fathom Ashley's excuses for her behavior. When you're in love with someone, you don't ignore them and flirt with someone else, even if it was unintentional. "Is it exciting with her in way that it's not with me? Do you need the attention? Are you bored with your domestic life?"_

_"No, not at all." Ashley shifted her focus from the gear shift to the waiting blue eyes, her posture and desperation screaming that it was truth._

_"I just don't get it," she cried as her head hung, sniffling back tears and smoothing her hand down her thighs._

_There had never been a moment in her life, up to that point, in which Ashley had hated herself so much. Here was her wife seemingly heartbroken and confused at her actions, actions that had seemed to push her aside. As she watched Spencer breathing shakily and unsteady, her lips quivering as she tried desperately to hold in her emotions, she knew that she had to be completely honest if she ever planned on fixing any of this._

_"She came onto me, in the studio, but I pulled away," Ashley replied as her own eyes teared up in painful self-loathing. She had regretted the kiss more than anything in her life to that point and no amount of apologies could ever do justice to how sorry she truly was. "I don't know why I acted like that in there. I have no explanation for It and I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. I never meant to hurt you."_

_Spencer couldn't quite wrap her mind around this turn of events. Here was her wife, telling her that she had allowed another woman to kiss her, a woman who she had connected with on an emotional level. The same woman who she had flirted with all evening. She was so deeply hurt at that moment; it seemed like Ashley had never once thought about how she might feel, how this would affect her. She had watched in horror as the two women bantered back and forth with smirks and giggles._

_Ashley had, at one point, noticed the producer babying her glass of wine and had tilted it up, causing the wine to trickle down Francesca's wonderfully tanned neck. This had caused uproar of laughter and Spencer had had enough. That was her cue to leave and so she stormed out, passing by them on the way and giving Ashley the death glare._

_"We need to go. I told my mom that we would be there by 10:00," Spencer's voice became quietly indifferent as she abruptly changed the conversation as her eyes left the deep brown ones to glance out the windshield. She could no longer talk about it or even think about it without feeling the urge to hit Ashley. So instead, she forced back the remainder of her tears to focus on composing herself. She smoothed out the front of her dress as she opened the visor mirror to fix her makeup, needing to be presentable for her parents so they wouldn't question her._

_"Spencer," Ashley sighed as she reached out to grab her wife's hand, only to have it avoid her touch to buckle a seat belt. She suddenly hated herself in that moment; there was not enough disdain to fill the cup that Ashley wanted to pour over herself and extinguish her very existence. Spencer had done nothing to deserve this, any of it. She had been the most loving, affectionate wife anyone could have asked for, never once leaving Ashley to want for anything. She had it all._

_How could she have thanked her in this way?_

_Why had she acted like such an ass?_

_"Can we at least talk about this?" Ashley pleaded as she put the key in the ignition, firing up the sports car. "I don't want to go to your parents' house with us both upset like this."_

_"What do you want me to say Ash?" Spencer asked as she scrunched her face in anger. "That it's okay?"_

_"No," Ashley replied softly. "It's not okay, I know that. I just…"_

_"I don't want you to see her again," Spencer interrupted before looking into Ashley's eyes._

_"That's crazy," Ashley shot back as she shook her head. "She's my producer."_

_"So find another one," she demanded with what she thought was a reasonable solution. "What's wrong with Sean? You guys have already made two hit albums together."_

_"I can't just drop her," Ashley hastily defended as she looked away. Can't or won't? She didn't exactly understand why, but she loved the attention she got from Francesca; it was so refreshing in a sense. Even if Ashley wanted nothing more than friendship._

_Spencer sighed as she began to laugh angrily. "She obviously has a thing for you and it's like you don't even care that it hurts me."_

_"Of course I care," she replied softly as she once again made a play for Spencer's hand._

_"Just don't," Spencer said as she jerked her hand away. "I'm so angry with you right now Ashley Davies. Can you just drive?"_

_Ashley's shoulders slumped as she sighed in defeat. She had made a complete mess of this whole night and she didn't blame Spencer one bit for being this angry. She couldn't. She had known exactly what she was doing, but something in her just couldn't stop it all. Reluctantly, she moved her hand back to the gear shift, and upon pressing the clutch, she shifted into first and they left the roundabout of a driveway that contained the guests' cars._

* * *

><p>The worn bag jerked away as her fist collided with it over and over, sending the bag swirling around on its tightly stretched chain. The force from her hit sent a shockwave up her arm, pulsating through each and every muscle. This had been her Saturday morning routine ever since being released from rehab. She relished the chance to expel her anger and frustrations in a productive way, her routine helping her keep her body hard and in shape. The perfect medicine, this had been just what Ashley had needed in the preceding months.<p>

She fought the bag hard, pounding her taped up fists as her thoughts drifted in and out of her past, reliving her mistakes, remembering the night of the party and how stupidly she had acted. Thinking back on it now, it seemed like the dumbest reason to have caused an argument between them. Her momentary lapse in judgment had been one she would question until the day she took her last breath. It was only unfortunate that the same night, the night of her stupidity, turned out to be the worst night of her life with an even bigger, stupider mistake.

Her movements halted as the circling bag slowed to a still. She took a deep breath, trying to slow her breathing as she reached for her abandoned water bottle, her shaky hand gripping the bottle as she held it inches above her mouth. Tilting her head back, she allowed the water to pour down over her, filling her mouth and then cooling her face. A few stray droplets of water landed on her black sports bra as her abs clenched in time with her swallows. She sighed in desperation for air as she ended her refreshing drink.

She surmised that she would be here more than once a week from now on, needing the bag to distract her from her life's sad turn of events. She glanced around the empty exercise room, thankful no one else was present so that she could show off a bit. Then, with a quick jump in the air, she landed a roundhouse kick squarely to the center of bag, ending her two-hour session in style.

She slowly walked over to the bench where her towel was, lying with the rest of her things. Reaching down, she grabbed the damp off-white cloth and began to wipe the sweat that covered her face, sighing as her eyes closed. She sat down slowly as her breathing evened, relaxing for a bit. Today would be a trying day, this much was certain. She was to meet Spencer at their house and pick up the rest of her things. She had already decided not to take much, if anything, the two had bought together, needing only her clothes and the last of her instruments that she had left. She sighed heavily as she thought of how much she did not want to do this, at all. It was one thing to take what she wanted, but it was another to have to see the things she wouldn't take, things for their life together. She knew they were bound to argue over how much she should take; Spencer would insist she take much more than she wanted to. Why couldn't Spencer just let her take nothing? They were items that didn't matter to her.

Suddenly, a buzzing noise broke her from her thoughts as she looked around for her elusive phone. She sighed as she thought of how often she misplaced it, sometimes going without it for days because it was nowhere in sight. _Where had the little buggar gone this time?_She lifted her bag, which was a mess with items sticking out in every direction, to look underneath. The buzzing continued until her ears honed in on the direction they were emanating from. Her phone had somehow fallen underneath the bench and was now lying face down.

She leaned over, bringing her head near her foot, as she stretched her arm toward the phone. Bringing it up to her, she leaned back and noticed that she had a new message. It was from Kyla. Couldn't she just have one day? One day where there was no business stuff to worry about. Was that so much to ask for? She sighed with a frown as she pressed the 'ok' button to view her message.

'Pickd up U-haul & have list of aprtmnts. Meet u outside in 20.'

Ashley took a deep breath and sighed as she pressed the button to reply to the message. Kyla was only being helpful, but she was in no mood to be bossed around. She didn't want to be rushed. What was the point? The sooner she was picked up, the sooner she would be dividing her things from amongst Spencer's.

Her fingers began to hit button after button as she messaged her sister back.

'45 mins. Final offer!'

She didn't want to argue about the issue, so instead of waiting for a reply, she shut her phone off completely. She smiled a small self-congratulating smile as she began to stand, knowing how much that would piss Kyla off. Stretching, she yawned as she thought how wonderful a nap sounded. She shook her head of the thought. Kyla would, no doubt, die of stress if she were not outside to meet her in less than an hour. There was no way that Ashley would be able to get out of bed if she took a nap now. She was becoming complacent, she knew. If it hadn't been for Kyla, who knows how many hours Ashley might have racked up sleeping?

But who could blame her?

Her life had unraveled before her eyes and she had largely been part of the reason. She began to gather her things up, stuffing them all into her worn out gym bag which had spent years bursting at the seams. She only needed a quick shower and to throw some comfy clothes on, sweat pants and a tee. Nothing fancy. That wouldn't take her long at all, definitely not 45 minutes. No, she would make Kyla's 20 minute deadline, but what was the harm in teasing her sister about it?

* * *

><p>Spencer graced the framed photo softly as she stood in the darkened bedroom of their once warm and loving home, a photo which showed faces of a much happier time, two women smiling from under their skull caps very much in love. Spring break had found them in Aspen at a ski resort which Ashley had surprised her with as a six-month anniversary gift. She had never been skiing before in her life, though she had always wanted to. Ashley, apparently, was some sort of Olympic ski jump champion. Not literally of course; she only thought she was. Spencer could only smile as she remembered Ashley falling immediately upon exiting the ski lift, her overconfident ego taking a rather funny hit.<p>

_Ashley had been so confident the whole ride up the slope, talking about how often she skied growing up, with Spencer listening on in amazement and noticing how the bright sky reflected off of the snow and into Ashley's brilliantly illuminated brown eyes. It was at that moment that Spencer knew that she could never love anyone as much as Ashley. The brunette held her heart in the palm of her hands, and as they rose higher and higher, Spencer knew that she was ready to let Ashley in. To let Ashley love her completely._

_They had decided, mutually, to wait a while before having sex. Ashley had been known to sleep around in her high school days and had gained a reputation for breaking girls in. Once she had graduated though, she had made a promise to leave that part of herself behind, turning over a new leaf as it were. She wanted to wait again for the right girl and the right moment. She wanted to be in love. When she had told this to Spencer on their second date, Spencer had only smiled in understanding as she confessed that she had never been in a real relationship before and she wanted to wait until she was emotionally ready as well. Ashley only smiled as she thought of in sync they were already, and it had only been two dates._

_"So," Ashley exclaimed as they neared the top of the slope. "What do you think so far?"_

_Spencer looked away from Ashley and out over the scenery of the mountains in astonishment. "I think that it's beautiful and I still can't believe you did this."_

_Ashley rolled her eyes with a laugh as she replied, "Well I know that finals are coming up and you might need a break before you go completely insane studying and all."_

_"I do not go insane," Spencer replied as she thumped her glove clad hand against Ashley's snowsuit padded arm. "Do I?" She then shyly asked with a small pout forming on her lips._

_"Please," Ashley gasped as she teased. "You almost hyperventilated while studying for your Biology final last semester. I thought I was going to have to fetch you a paper bag."_

_Spencer scrunched her eyes as she thought back, embarrassed. "Was I really that bad?" Surely not._

_Ashley smiled again as she put her arm around her girlfriend adoringly. "No. Besides, one of us has to get A's so that we don't end up completely poor."_

_They hadn't discussed a future together, not like the one Ashley was hinting at, and it both scared and excited Spencer. She knew, without so much as the faintest of doubt, that she wanted nothing more than to wake up with Ashley every morning and have the brunette tell her over and over again how much she loved her. She wanted this more than anything before._

_"Do you really think that we'll end up like that?" Spencer asked, deciding to break the ice on this conversation. "Together, I mean?"_

_Ashley met her eyes with the beautiful blue ones that she had come to know and love._

_Love._

_That word had used to scare her more than anything in the world. It always seemed that everyone she had ever loved had let her down in some way or another, making her feel like a last priority to the people in her life. But it was true; she loved the blonde girl beside her more and more every day and with every breath she took. They had yet to utter the three most powerful words in the English language to each other, opting to take it slow. Yet, Ashley knew without a doubt that she was in love. The feeling inhabited her and completely changed her inside and out. It could be seen in everything that she did now, reflecting outwardly like a beacon to anyone who looked closely enough._

_"I don't want to be with anyone else," Ashley replied as she thought deeply before continuing. She was putting herself out there, but she wasn't afraid. Spencer wouldn't hurt her, of that she was sure. "I love you, Spencer."_

_Spencer's breath lodged in her throat as she realized what Ashley had just declared. The words had been said as plain as day, leaving her so completely awe-struck and stunned as she thought she would be the first to admit such deep feelings. Never, not even in the tiniest corner of her mind did she believe that Ashley would go out on a limb like this. She had come to know full well how guarded Ashley was and probably had always been. It had taken her a while to seemingly tear down the walls Ashley had built and earn her trust. It was a hard fought task, and she would make sure the people responsible for those insecurities would pay. But here they were, and she just admitted the most life-altering phrase._

_Her mouth began to shift from its jaw-dropped expression to a loving smile as she forcefully pulled Ashley's face with her gloved hands and kissed the brunette hard, needing to feel every inch of her immediately._

_Ashley momentarily began to worry as her lips dueled with the soft lips before her. Spencer hadn't said it back, only deflected her response into a kiss. A heated, earth-shattering kiss; but it wasn't what the brunette needed at that moment. She needed to hear it back for her own sanity, to put her mind at ease. She wasn't sure she could deal with the possibility that the feeling might not be returned, the feeling that she felt in every molecule in her body. As their kiss began to deepen, Ashley knew that she had to stop it. She wanted to know how Spencer was feeling. Even if the kiss was an indication, she needed a verbal response._

_"Spencer," Ashley panted out as their lips parted. She leaned her forehead against the blonde's as her eyes remained closed. "Not that I don't enjoy kissing you, but…"_

_"I'm so in love with you Ashley," Spencer blurted out upon realizing that her girlfriend was feeling a bit uneasy._

_Brown eyes opened quickly as they met with blue, searching for any sign that the statement wasn't true. However, try as she might, all she could see in front of her was a very much in love girl who was clinging to her for dear life. Smiling, Ashley knew without a doubt that her words had been completely honest and her eyes widened slightly as her smile took over her face. She was in love and the feeling was mutual! Oh happy day! She had been so scared the past few months that she had fallen too hard too fast, and that it wouldn't be reciprocated. She would get burned._

_Spencer averted her eyes shyly as she smiled and added teasingly, "I thought it was obvious. I mean… I drop everything on a dime to do anything with you!"_

_Ashley chuckled as she lowered her lips onto her girlfriend's once more. "I'm really glad I brought you here."_

_"Me too," Spencer agreed as they parted. "Cus now," she looked at Ashley playfully as they reached the top, their bar unlocking setting them free to descend the snowy peak. "I get to go down..." She licked her lips suggestively, knowing it would distract Ashley, the complete horn dog that she is. "…the hill." She finished as she jumped off the chair, waving at Ashley as she descended the slope. "Race you to the bottom, baby."_

_Ashley eyes were wide with shock as she was caught by surprise and fell to the ground. Instead of taking off alongside her girlfriend as she had decidedly planned, she face planted in the cold snow as it filled her scarf, freezing her to the core. She sighed embarrassedly as she smacked the ground and began to get up. There was no way she would let Spencer say something like that and then just take off. She spit out the snow she had eaten and quickly jumped to her feet, needing to make up for lost time and catch a rueful blonde._

_She would make sure Spencer paid for that comment, or at least the effects of it. She was thrilled to the bone that her girlfriend had said what she. She only hoped that she had meant it. They had confessed their love for each other and she wasn't so sure that she could wait anymore, as this had quite possibly been the longest she had spent with a girl without even seeing her naked. It was an accomplishment in its own right. She smiled to herself as she darted off down the slope, crouching low to enhance her body's aerodynamics. Luckily for her, Spencer had crashed about twenty yards down, her skis sticking up above her head. She smiled devilishly as she thought about how payback would be sooner than later._

_"That was so much fun Ash," Spencer exclaimed as they burst through the hotel room door, hand in hand. "I still can't believe that you hit me in the face with a snowball. That was so mean!"_

_They had had a tiring day thus far, skiing down slope after slope, chasing each other and bantering back and forth. Ashley had made sure to take Spencer to all of the best spots on the mountain and show her some of the most beautiful views, views that were rivaled only by the beauty of her gorgeous girlfriend. Spencer had loved every minute of it, especially how at peace Ashley had been all day. In LA, Ashley always seemed to be carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, stiff with every action carefully thought out. She was grateful that this day in Aspen allowed for her to let loose a bit and enjoy herself._

_"Well, you did make me face plant in the snow," Ashley teased back as they walked over to the bed, collapsing together from the exhaustion of the day._

_"And how funny that was!" Spencer replied as she began laughing hysterically, undoing the zipper of her snow suit. She was beginning to sweat from the thermal weight of all of her snow gear. They were in their warm hotel room now thus making it unnecessary to stay bundled up._

_Taking in the panted breaths and slow actions, Ashley noticed how tired Spencer had seemed all of the sudden and reached her hands to take over undressing her._

_"Here, let me. You're worn out." Her fingers began to slowly undo the zipper the rest of the way, before they slid up to push the heavy coat from Spencer's shoulders._

_Spencer smiled as she closed her eyes, relishing the sweet sentiment. "Thank you," she said softly as she yawned, laying back once Ashley had completely removed her coat._

_"No problem," Ashley replied as she then went to tackle the snow pants, pulling them from Spencer's legs and discarding them along with the coat. Any other time, this would have completely turned Ashley on; but Spencer was beyond tired and she had never looked as cute as she did in that moment, curled up on the bed in sweats and a long sleeved t-shirt._

_Ashley immediately followed suit, stripping herself of the snow garments and joining the blonde in the soft bed. She smiled a small smile as they lay side by side, taking in each other as the light from the bedside lamp illuminated them in an intimate glow. They remained looking into each other's eyes for several moments, neither one touching the other, only quietly contemplating their next moves. Spencer returned the smile as she brought her hand up to run along Ashley's rosy cheek, pushing stray hairs out of the way and enjoying the touch of her skin beneath her fingertips. The action was so soft and gentle that it caused a fire to erupt and Ashley's eyes to drift shut as she leaned her head into the soft palm._

_"Thank you so much for today Ash," she said softly as she inched her body closer to beautiful girl next to her. "I had a blast."_

_"I'm glad you enjoyed it," Ashley replied with a smile as she stared into the soft blue eyes she felt so much for, eyes that owned her very soul._

_"I love you," she added softly as she then moved in closer and brought her lips to meet the waiting ones only inches away, instantly feeling the fire spread throughout her, igniting every molecule and setting her free. Suddenly, they neither one were tired anymore._

_Spencer deepened the kiss, instantly pulling Ashley flush against her body as her fingers tangled themselves within messy brown curls. Their legs became entangled with one another as Ashley moved to lie partly on top of Spencer, her tongue breaking through to tangle with another as her hands began to move down her body._

_Their breathing became erratic as their kisses became deeper, hands clutching each other tightly. Spencer hooked her leg around Ashley's waist as she desperately tried to pull her closer, bringing them to the most intimate position they had ever been in. Her hands moved from the back of Ashley's head to run down her sides and search for the hem of her shirt, shyly hooker her fingertips underneath._

_Ashley instantly felt tingles as the tips of soft fingers began to pull her shirt up and she broke away from the kiss to search for certainty in the blues eyes before her. There was no question that she knew what she wanted, more than anything, but she never wanted to push Spencer if she wasn't ready. They had taken it slow and she knew that it had been the right decision, it had allowed them the chance to build a strong relationship first and foremost. Sex had always seemed to have a tendency to complicate things, especially if it came too early in a relationship._

_"Are you sure?" Ashley breathlessly asked as she leaned her forehead against Spencer's, waiting for the go ahead to move on with her actions._

_"Ash, we've taken it slow enough," she replied with a smile as she tugged the black t-shirt up Ashley's body, stopping to allow Ashley to raise her arms. The shirt then made its way to lie in a heap on the floor as her fingertips trailed a path down taut abs, amazement glowing in blue eyes as she became enamored with Ashley's perfection._

_Before too long, more and more clothes soon followed. Her hand finally came to rest against Ashley's cheek as they both lie naked together, wrapped in the soft comforts of the white sheets, breaths panting and lips kissing. She broke away for a moment to stare intently into the brown soul pools before her, seeing enough love to last a lifetime in them and knowing in her heart that this was it. This was her future. She slowly broke their gaze to lean in and whisper softly in her ear, "Ashley, make love to me."_

_Ashley's eyes deepened as they once again met Spencer's gaze. She didn't need to be told again as she leaned down to capture her beautiful neck in her soft lips, trailing kiss after kiss down the wondrous body in her grasp. Never before, in all her sexual experiences, had she wanted to solely devote herself to pleasuring the other person as much as she did in that moment. This time would be different than all of the other times before._

_This time, she was in love._

_Spencer's eyes drifted shut as her head rolled back, fingers tangling in Ashley's hair as lips left a hot trail all over her body. A smile crept over her face as she imagined spending the rest of the night letting Ashley know how much today had actually meant to her. She trusted the brunette with every fiber of her being and there were no doubts in her mind as she allowed herself to fully give in to the passion they were feeling._

Tears came to Spencer's eyes as she thought of how wonderful that night had been. They had made love for the first time and it was the closest thing she had ever felt to heaven. She smiled slowly through her tears as she held the frame close to her chest, closing her eyes as she relished the memory. If only they could go back to that day; she wouldn't make all of the same mistakes twice. They wouldn't be at this point in their lives, torn apart at the seams. She would make sure of it.

Swallowing, she reluctantly set the picture back on her nightstand as she wiped her eyes to prepare for what was coming, the heartbreak ahead. She needed all of the strength she could muster to keep herself from breaking down and giving in to what she really wanted. Ashley was coming over to take her things and this would prove to be a hard, trying day.

She sprang to her feet, putting on an expression to mask her pain as she exited the bedroom, glancing briefly to a closed door just down the hall. Tears once again sprang to her eyes as she turned towards the stairs. That would have to wait for another day.

Once she reached the bottom, she was alerted to a large white and orange moving van, engine blaring in the driveway. She sighed as she closed her eyes and shook away all of her tears. This was it and she needed to compose herself. Ashley couldn't see her like this. She couldn't see how torn up inside she was at the thought of her leaving their house for good. The brown eyes would beg and plead with her and she wouldn't be able to resist.

* * *

><p>"I'll wait in truck for you okay?" Kyla asked as they sat in the truck in front of the beautiful two-story home in Santa Monica.<p>

"Kyla," Ashley sighed with a small smile. "It's okay really. You can come in with me."

"No," she replied with a shake as she wished that Ashley would just take her chance of alone time with Spencer. Maybe Spencer had spent the last few days missing Ashley and wishing that she hadn't gone through with it all. Maybe she could confess to Ashley and they could work it all out, Kyla could only hope as she knew that wouldn't be the case, well not the second part at least. "I think you and Spencer need some time alone. You know… For closure."

Ashley laughed sarcastically as she opened the door before replying, "Closure... Easier said than done, right?"

She made her way up the familiar path to stand in front of the door, a door she had walked through so many times. A door she had carried her wife through happily. She regretfully glanced down, momentarily hesitating before knocking. It was a strange action, but she had given Spencer the house in the divorce, and she wasn't so sure she felt comfortable just waltzing on in. Who knows what she would find?

After a couple of knocks, the door opened to reveal a beautiful blonde that seemed to only look more and more beautiful each time Ashley saw her. This time, however, Ashley noticed that something else was going on in those blue eyes; something was hidden and masked by a smile. What was it? Sadness, relief, exhaustion? Why couldn't she read it?

Why couldn't she read _her_ anymore?

It was completely unfortunate, but she had no answer; she only knew that the blue eyes before her weren't the same blue eyes she had fallen in love with all those years ago. They didn't hold the same gleam and hope within them. Life had come between them. It had barrelled along and knocked them so far apart; and it seemed that, in this moment, Ashley finally understood it all. She understood why Spencer had done what she did and she couldn't blame her. Spencer had fallen out of love upon years of growing apart and Ashley knew that she needed to as well. She needed to just move on. _Yeah. Fat chance of that happening_.

"So… um…" Ashley began as her eyes searched the blue ones for permission to enter the house.

Spencer moved aside to allow passage as she declared, "Ash, you don't have to knock. It's your house too."

"Well, I wasn't sure if you had company or not," she replied through a swallow as she forced a small smile to her face, her eyes averting anywhere but forward.

"Nope," she answered as they entered the house, closing the door behind her. "I was just going through some things upstairs."

Ashley nodded as she replied with a relieved, "Oh. Okay. Umm…" Her hands hung loosely at her sides as her fingers balled into nervous fists.

Spencer noticed the tension residing within her love's body, the nerves and uncertainty. She was stiff and cautious, seemingly not wanting to move without permission for fear of breaking some nonexistent glass shield that now seemed to be lodged between them. It was heartbreaking that Ashley was scared now to be there with her.

"So, um, how was the show last night?" She asked, hoping to break the tension. No matter how far apart they had grown, Spencer always followed Ashley's tours, taking note of which shows she would play, her pride never faltering.

"It went okay," Ashley lied as she thought better than to divulge what actually had happened. Spencer didn't need to know. It would only upset her. "It was fun playing a club again." She began to relax a bit as they made their way into the living room.

"Yeah," Spencer smiled awkwardly as they sat on the couch, each at an opposite end. "I know how you never felt at home in a packed stadium."

An thick silence fell around them as they looked towards something, anything but each other. Ashley began thinking back on memories of the two of them together. The day in Aspen immediately filled her mind.

"So," Spencer broke the silence as she searched for a way to begin this conversation. "There've been a few offers on the house."

Ashley's eyes snapped to meet the blues across from her. "You're not keeping it?" She asked with a confused expression.

"We bought the house together, Ash," Spencer replied hesitantly, hoping the she wouldn't be upset by this. "It doesn't feel right to keep it for myself."

"Right," Ashley nodded as she looked away and began to stand. She wasn't angry, only a little upset at the thought of someone else living here in their house, a house designed and built solely for them and their future. "I'm just gonna go grab my things and be on my way."

"Ashley," Spencer began as she stood up as well, wanting for whatever reason to stop Ashley from walking away.

Ashley stopped as she stayed facing away, waiting for whatever would come out of her mouth.

"Do you remember Aspen?"

Ashley closed her eyes as she took a deep breath. How could she not? It was the first time they had made love. "Of course I do," she replied as she turned around to meet their eyes in a reminiscent gaze. "How could I forget?"

"Well," Spencer smiled as she thought back on it. "Remember how we promised that no matter what would happen, we would somehow find a way to be friends? I know this may sound selfish, but do think it's ever going to be possible?" She asked as she knew in her heart that she could never not have Ashley in her life; even if they didn't talk much at all, she wanted to at least remain friends.

"I don't think it's selfish," Ashley said as she came to stand closer to Spencer. Her eyes looked into the blue eyes before her as she searched for the right words. "But I don't know if it's possible... I want to, I do… but I don't know if I can just_ be_ your friend."

Spencer felt tears begin to fill her eyelids as she nodded and looked towards her feet. She knew that she had no right to ask that of Ashley, it was cruel and especially after what she had done.

"I know. I just…" She couldn't finish. She was undeserving and in no position to ask Ashley for anything. Certainly not anything as trying as this.

Ashley sighed as she looked away once again, feeling the silence around them settle in the most uncomfortable and strangling of ways. "Well, I better get my things." She smiled a bit as she finished, "Kyla is waiting in the van for me."

"Wait… umm…" She wasn't sure how to go about asking, but she wanted Ashley to be there. "My parents are throwing a birthday party for Olivia. You should come."

Ashley began to shake her head as doubt filled her mind. "I don't know if that's such a good idea. I mean…"

"Ashley," Spencer pleaded. "She's your niece. No matter what happens between us, that will never change. Plus, you shouldn't spend the holidays alone."

Christmas was fastly approaching them, three weeks away, and Spencer was well aware of the fact that Kyla would go spend the holidays in Baltimore, leaving Ashley to herself in a lonely hotel room and she was worried for her. She was love of her life and it saddened her to think of Ashley alone on Christmas. It was only convenient that her niece's birthday just happened to be Christmas Day.

Ashley knew that she had to give in and agree. She was 'Cool Aunt Ashley' after all, and she could not disappoint the little girl she loved so much. "Yeah, sure. I'll go," she relented with a sigh. She wasn't sure how comfortable she would feel at the Carlin's on Christmas. She wasn't one of them anymore and she was sure that she would feel it burn in every pore of her skin

"Okay great," Spencer replied with hollow enthusiasm, she was happy but sad simultaneously. "I'll let my mom know. She was hoping you would be there. They all love you very much," she finished with unmatched sincerity.

"What time is it?" Ashley asked ignoring the last part of Spencer's comments, desperately needing to erase it from her memory bank.

"It's gonna be at 5:00," Spencer replied reluctantly. "And don't worry about bringing anything other than a present for Olivia. I know how much you love to spoil her."

"Okay," Ashley nodded as she thought of her schedule for a moment. It didn't matter if she had anything planned, she would cancel it all to be there on her niece's birthday. That would be what the holiday would represent from now on. Christmas was about joy and family, and since she had neither anymore, she would focus on devoting the day to Olivia.


	6. I'll Leave You Now, But I Won't Go Far

**Chapter Six**

_"No!" Spencer yelled gutwrenchingly, her sobs echoing as tears escaped through her eyelids. "Noo… no… nooo." Her hands became shaky as she glanced around the room, desperately looking for any sign that it wasn't true. It couldn't be true! Her eyes finally landed reluctantly on the desperate, pleading eyes of her wife; the familiar brown eyes that had broken her heart._

_Ashley's own tears saturated her face as she looked back into the eyes of her wife. "Baby, It was…" she breathed out through sobs before being interrupted._

_"You son of a bitch," she replied as she walked forcefully past Ashley to exit the cold suffocating room. She had to get out of there before the truth of it all completely consumed her. How could the person she trusted the most in the entire world have betrayed her like this? How could she?_

_Ashley wasted no time in following, as she was not about to let Spencer leave in her current state of mind. "Spencer, wait," she said softly as she moved to block the blonde's path, her eyes maintaining their plea through hot tears._

_"How could you?" Spencer demanded deeply through guttural sobs as her cold blue eyes filled with pain and bore straight into Ashley's. The whole world had seemingly halted and everything around her began to spin as her stomach churned, begging her to release its contents. She stared straight into Ashley's equally pained eyes, angrily pleading for an answer to ease her pain. She knew there would never be one. "How could you?" she asked once again, louder in tone and much more forceful._

_"Spencer… I'm…," Ashley brokenly replied through her own sobs which she fought to contain. She had never seen Spencer this upset, her blue eyes bloodshot and her body violently trembling. She knew that there was no amount of words to console her wife at that moment, nothing she could say. Would there ever be? All she could do was force her feet to move, bringing her closer and closer to the person that she had never meant to hurt, the one she would give her very life to protect._

_"NO!" Spencer screamed as her hands balled into to fists, connecting over and over with Ashley's chest as the brunette forcefully pulled her into a tight embrace, stopping her further movements. She began crying uncontrollably as she buried her face into the crook of Ashley's neck for a moment before pulling away abruptly and shoving Ashley away, her eyes boring straight into Ashley's, searching for answers. "How could you? How could you just give up like?"_

_"Spencer," Ashley pleaded with outstretched arms, tears running down her face as an all-encompassing sorrow settled itself in the pit of her heart. "I'm so sorry baby," she said as she lifted her hand to bring it up to her wife's face, wanting so desperately to wipe all of the tears and pain away. She would give anything and everything for the chance to take it all back. However in that moment, the only thing left for her to do was to devote herself, inside and out, to consoling the broken woman she loved so much. Yet she momentarily wondered if she even had that right; she had been the cause of this after all. "But, I had to. You know that."_

_"No!" Spencer replied as she roughly shoved Ashley's hand away, bringing her own up to wipe away her tears. She would not let Ashley be the one to comfort her; no, Ashley had done enough already. "Don't you dare touch me."_

_"I…" Ashley couldn't bring herself to speak. It was as though the air had been sucked out of her indefinitely, strangling her as her mouth went dry. What had she done? It had seemed like the right decision at the time; but here in this moment, she would give anything to take it back. She would die for it._

_"I don't understand how you could do that?" She couldn't get out more than two words at a time as her voice cracked over and over, tears falling one right after the other. "How you could make that decision without me?"_

_"Spencer, we talked about this. It's been five months," Ashley began, trying to hold onto reason, if only to salvage her own sanity. Her tears continued down her face as she again tried to close the distance between them. Her voice grew softer and her hands began shaking as she added, "We both knew that this was going to happen."_

_"I don't care," Spencer exclaimed angrily with a sigh as she backed away, standing against the cold wall, all of her thoughts and memories swirling around her, suffocating. "You don't know what could have happened, Ashley."_

_"Honey, I know that this hard," she continued to move closer to her love. She needed to be strong on this day for both of them, but especially Spencer. "It's tearing me up inside too," she emphasized with her hand gripping her own chest, ready to rip her heart out and offer it up if that's what it would take. "Believe me."_

_"You're a liar!" She choked out with a sob as she once again hit Ashley's shoulder, her fist tightly clenched as her nails penetrated her palm. "You just gave up, you fucking coward." She slid down the wall as the weight of her heartbreak caused her legs to buckle underneath her. "God," she cried out painfully as she reached the floor, clenching her stomach and leaning forward, her hair falling around her face, matted by tears._

_Ashley's heart broke into so many pieces in that moment as she knew there was nothing she could do' but it didn't matter, because she would never stop trying. She was the villain in this story and she knew that she had so deeply hurt Spencer with her actions, possibly irreparably. She bit her bottom lip as she looked to the ceiling for any sort of courage, needing strength to guide her through this, to fix it. With a shaky breath and throbbing heart, she moved quickly, joining her wife on the cold tiles of the floor. Her arms instantly wrapped around the sobbing woman beside her as she pulled her close, lovingly cradling her and searching her mind for anything she could say. Loud sobs echoed in the walls of her torso as Spencer buried her face in Ashley's chest, clutching her tightly as her whole world crashed around her._

_Ashley rubbed her hands softly in circles on Spencer's back as she wondered in that moment if she would ever forgive her, if they would ever be okay again. She knew that she, herself, wouldn't as the guilt only seemed to accumulate with each passing second._

_"I'm so sorry," Ashley said softly as she held on tight, her tears running off her face to collide with the top of Spencer's head. "God, you'll never know how sorry I am." She kissed her wife's forehead firmly and she looked around the hallway, blinking back tears wishing for it all to just end._

_Spencer maintained her anger as she shook her head violently, tears eroding tracks in her face. She would never again be the same as these tears were certain to permanently scar her, an outward sign of the torment her heart would never forget. "I hate you. I hate you so much," she said softly as her hands gripped Ashley tightly. She could never truly hate Ashley, but she had no other words to describe the way she felt about the choices her wife had made that led them here, to this heartbreaking moment. Hate seemed to fit as she briefly wondered if they would ever get past this._

_Ashley's eyes tightly closed upon hearing that statement as her breath caught, but as much as it hurt to hear she knew that she couldn't blame anyone but herself. It was the truth and she knew that she deserved to hear it as much as Spencer deserved to say it. She had been prepared for this as she had chosen her earlier actions, but it still hurt so much to hear it. She knew that Spencer would hate her for it; but hate is not the opposite of love. Spencer would still love her. She held onto that hope as she had reluctantly made her decisions, despite her wife's wishes. Her eyes squeezed much tighter, forcing back her own pain to remain strong as she leaned her face down to brush cheeks with her wife, her hand gently caressing golden blonde locks. "I know… I know baby."_

_"How are we ever going to be okay now, Ash?" Spencer sobbed with a heavy heart as she leaned up to look into the eyes that held so much regret. She knew that what Ashley had done, she had regretted; but it didn't change the fact that she had done it and without her._

* * *

><p>With a slam the side door of the small U-haul van closed, containing the few items that she had decided to keep; her Pearl drum kit, a mixing board with a PA system, three large bags of clothes and shoes, a small box of photos, and two larger boxes of miscellaneous items. Spencer had insisted left and right that she take much more; claiming that she was entitled to it all, as it was her stuff too. Luckily, Kyla hadn't rented a large U-haul, only the cargo van version; making it easier for Ashley to take much less. It hadn't taken them long at all to fill the van and Ashley was once again standing in front of the beautiful house, deciding her next move.<p>

The whole while that the two sisters had spent loading the van, Ashley had been thinking over Spencer's previous words.

_"Remember how we promised that no matter what would happen, we would somehow find a way to be friends? I know this may sound selfish, but do think it's really possible?"  
><em>

Was it possible?

Ashley wasn't sure, but she did know one thing. She couldn't fathom a life without Spencer in it, even if she only played the smallest of small roles. She did not want them to part on bad terms; and up until now, it had seemed that maybe they had parted in just such a way. Ashley hadn't been sure. All she knew was that her heart had been broken and their marriage had been severed.

Did she resent Spencer for this? Was she angry with Spencer?

How could she be? Spencer's heart had been broken too and long before their marriage had come to an end. Ashley knew this and because of it, she couldn't hate her for ending it the way she had. It had become an uncomfortable place, their marriage, and Ashley knew that she had only herself to blame. She reasoned that it was only natural for Spencer to eventually come to terms with what had happened and, only then, would she realize that she was no longer in love with her. Ashley was a different person to her now, one who had broken the trust they had shared and seemingly done the unthinkable.

Betrayal.

How could Spencer still love her?

Ashley realized in that instant as she stood looking to the front door, that she had been delusional to think that they could ever get past what had occurred. It had hurt Spencer completely, broken her in half if you will. She was selfish in thinking that she could do what she had done and expect Spencer to stay with her. Out of what, Pity? For years they had pretended that everything would be okay. They lied to, not only their friends and family, but their selves as well. This realization hit her like a ton of bricks.

It had never been Spencer's fault; and it was a miracle that she wanted to remain friends, taking the first step in putting the past behind them; and now the proverbial ball had entered Ashley's court.

How could she turn that away?

Sighing, she reached her hand for the door handle and pushed with a deep breath. Upon entering the house for the umpteenth time today, Ashley noticed that the atmosphere had changed. No longer were the walls decorated with photos of happier times; the glow of life had seemingly evaporated into nothing, leaving behind a hollow dwelling. It was no wonder that Spencer had decided to sell the place. Who could live here with this heaviness looming over them?

She moved slowly toward the stairway, remembering that she had left Spencer upstairs. Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out two tickets, her fingertips sliding over them in contemplation. She smiled in thought as she decided in that moment to meet Spencer half way. She would at least attempt to keep the promise she had made all those years ago in Aspen, even though all the other promises had failed.

Slowly, she began to ascend the steps, one by one taking them with a heavy heart. She knew that this would not be an easy task and she momentarily questioned her sanity. How was she to be okay with seeing Spencer with Jessie? This, she surmised, would be her true test of character. She had decided that there was no point in wallowing in self-pity, holding grudges and living in anger. She would be the bigger person and make strides to let it all go. She owed their years together that much.

As she reached the top step, she heard what sounded like crying. No, it was crying and they were sobs that she had become far too familiar with. Her heart sank with the possibility for the tears. Shaking her head, she decided to not allow herself to ponder the reasons too long; deciding that that would only lead to more conflict within her mind and she needed to focus on the ones already present.

Hesitantly, she entered the bedroom which contained the sobs softly echoing throughout, slowly looking around to locate their place of origin. She spotted Spencer sitting on the soft window seat, staring out the large bay window. She watched silently for a moment or two as she remembered how they used to sit there together, staring out at the ocean, just relishing each other's company. Her breath lodged in her throat as she fought to make her presence known, only managing a small throat-clearing "Ahem."

Spencer smiled as she brought her hands up to wipe her eyes. She could never let Ashley know her reasons for crying. The moment the front door had closed behind Ashley and she had heard the lasting noises of them loading the van, doors slamming and engine firing up, she had begun crying her eyes out. Ashley was gone and her life had suddenly felt knew meaning of the word empty; but she could never let anyone know that. She had hurried up the stairs and come to sit in one of her favorite places to look out over the expanse of beach that they had owned together. Sadness enveloped her as she thought of how they would never again make love on that beautiful beach when the stars were out, shining their mystical glow down upon them. Her eyes had drifted down to her ring finger as she took in the sight of the ever present wedding ring that still adorned, remembering their trip around town to hit up local jewelry stores in search of the perfect set of wedding bands that would forever sit perched on their fingers.

* * *

><p><em>"I cannot believe that we are here together," Spencer exclaimed through a wide, disbelieving smile as she looked intently through the glass case. "And searching for wedding rings no less."<em>

_Ashley chuckled softly as her arms wrapped around her fiancée from behind, her chin resting on the smooth shoulder as they both looked through the case together, rings glistening and catching their eyes._

_"Well believe it because…" Ashley began as she moved to Spencer's side, pulling her to face her. "We're getting married in four months whether you like it or not," she finished with a teasingly scrunched up nose._

_They had been engaged for close to seven months and each day, Spencer still had to pinch herself to make sure she wasn't dreaming. Ashley really wanted to marry her! She smiled as she replied with a kiss, "Oh, I definitely like it."_

_"Good," Ashley kissed back before finishing. "Because this whole 'me convincing you it's real' thing is getting kinda old."_

_"Oh, you know you think it's cute," Spencer teased back with a soft shove as Ashley laughed sweetly, throwing her head back._

_"You're right. What can I say," she replied before turning her attention back towards the counter. "So what do you think of these? Any catch your eye?"_

_"Ummm…." She looked around before spotting a beautiful white gold diamond encrusted band. "They're all quite expensive." She had never been one to expect Ashley to shower her with gifts and things just because the musician had hit the big time, making tons of money. She would be quite content with a nice inexpensive ring, one made priceless because of the promise that it symbolized. Ashley didn't need to buy her love; she already had it all. And she always would._

_"Spence," Ashley argued with a soft smile. "What is the point in making the money that I make if I can't buy you the ring you deserve?"_

_"Well," Spencer smiled shyly as she thought for a moment. "When you put it like that…"_

_"Seriously," Ashley replied a stern expression, void of a smile. She wanted Spencer to pick any ring she wanted and no amount of money could come between that. "I want you to pick any that you want. And don't worry about me; I'll be fine with whatever you choose." Her hand rose up to gently stroke her love's soft cheek as they shared a loving smile._

_"Oookay… I like that one," she exclaimed in a whisper, pointing as her eyes averted from Ashley to glance at the ring of interest._

_Ashley smiled in relief as her eyes took in the ring before them, happy beyond belief that it was white gold and not gold gold. She wasn't sure why, but gold had always repelled her. It was such an old fashioned, somewhat cheap looking metal to her. The fact that Spencer had chosen a white gold ring made her feel so much relief. They had decided to get matching bands and if Spencer had fallen in love with a gold one, how would Ashley be able to break the news of her disgust? She knew that she wouldn't even attempt such a thing. She would rather spend the rest of her life wearing an ugly gold ring than disappoint the gorgeous girl before her._

_"Okay," Ashley said with a smile as she kissed Spencer's cheek. "I'll be right back." She made her way over to the front counter to let the woman who had approached them earlier know that they were finally ready._

_"We would like to see this one," Ashley indicated with her finger, once they had returned to where Spencer was standing._

_"Oh that's a beautiful choice Miss Davies," the woman exclaimed, obviously laying the charm on thick as she retrieved the ring from the counter._

_"We think so," Spencer replied sincerely as the ring made its way from the woman's hand to her own. She slipped it on her finger to see just how well it would go with her engagement ring, noticing that it was a tad too big._

_"What do you think?" Ashley asked as her hand met the small of Spencer's back, fingertips raking the smooth skin gently._

_"I think they go quite well together don't you?" Spencer's eyes met Ashley's as they smiled in unison. The two rings on her finger seemed to fuse together in the perfect combination of beauty and elegance._

_Ashley could tell that Spencer had instantly fallen in love with the ring and she would insure that the beautiful blonde got what she desired. "Well I would like to order this ring in a size 6. And," she paused as she thought for a moment. "Just out of curiosity," she continued with a serious business sort of tone as she turned to meet the waiting gaze of the woman behind the counter. "Could I order another 6 with sapphires instead of the diamonds?"_

_"Of course you can Miss Davies," the woman replied as she looked towards the happy couple and began making note of the order in her notepad._

_Spencer smiled in confusion as her face scrunched, "Why would you want sapphires?" She handed the ring back to the woman._

_"So that I'm never far away from your blue eyes," Ashley replied shyly as she looked into the beautiful eyes in question, capturing in her mind the love they held for her._

_"Ash, as cheesy as that is…" Spencer said in a whisper before pulling Ashley into a small heartfelt kiss. "I love you."_

_"I love you more," Ashley replied as they broke apart, sighing from the effects of being in such close proximity with her._

_"Huh-uh," she shot back with a shake of her head and smiling teasingly. "Not possible."_

_The woman smiled at the exchange as she fought herself to interrupt. "Will this be all Miss. Davies?"_

_Ashley's eyes slowly drifted from Spencer to the woman as she floated back down from cloud nine. "Throw in the pendant necklace she was eying earlier," she replied with a head tilt in the direction of the necklace. She turned her gaze back to the shocked girl in her arms before adding, "Yeah, I noticed by the way."_

_"Ash, you don't have to. I only thought it was beautiful," she said, trying ardently to persuade Ashley to believe that she didn't need it._

_"Don't be ridiculous," Ashley fought back with a scrunched brow. "It would be a shame if that necklace never hung on your neck." She turned her attention back to the woman and reiterated, "The necklace too."_

_"Sure thing," the woman said before retrieving the necklace from across the room._

_"Ash, you're spending way too much," Spencer gasped through shock as she glanced to the notepad, reading the $22,692 price total._

_"Non-sense," Ashley rebutted as she furrowed her brow teasingly. "We're only getting married once."_

* * *

><p>She turned around with a small smile; wiping her eyes as her they met Ashley's worried ones, "Don't worry. I'm crying because I realized that this could be my last chance to sit here and look at the ocean in this way." She lied as she stood to meet Ashley in the doorway. Biting her lip, she looked to her feet as she wondered if she should ask. "Would you…"<p>

"I would love to," Ashley replied with a small, genuine smile before Spencer could finish. She hadn't needed to hear the rest of the question to know her answer. They had watched the waves together many times before; each time being a turning point or moment in which they needed the peacefulness that the ocean brought. This time would signal the end. Or was it a beginning?

They slowly made their way around to sit on opposite ends of the window seat, facing each other and bringing their legs up to sit Indian style. Ashley noticed the silence fall around them as she broke their gaze to look out over the beach. It was getting late as the sun began to dip lower into the horizon, signaling the end of another bright sunny day in Southern California.

With a heavy sigh, Ashley looked down to her hands, her fingers nervously dancing together as she searched for the right words to begin the step in what would hopefully be the right direction. So much had happened between them that she was sure they needed to remain in each other's lives, if only the smallest part.

"I was thinking about what you said," Ashley began as their eyes met once again. She noticed Spencer's eyes squint the tiniest bit in curiosity. "About Aspen."

"Ash, it was dumb. Really," Spencer interjected as she shook her head and looked down. She knew that she had been a fool to even suggest such a thing. "I don't expect…"

"No, I want to," Ashley said as Spencer's eyes shot up to connect with hers. "I know that we didn't work out and I know why. And I don't blame you. I never will. These things happen. Life happens," she paused as she looked for reassurance that she was doing the right thing. "And I would like to think that above all else, you are my friend. I'm not okay with it all, but I will be. And I think that it needs to start here," she motioned between the two of them. "With us parting on good terms."

Spencer fought so hard in that moment to contain all of the tears that had been threatening to spill over for the past few minutes. Here was the love of her life, the very reason for her own existence, being the epitome of the wonderful person that she had fallen forever in love with. She wondered silently what she had done to deserve this beautiful person, one who would be so strong and loyal in the face of heartbreak; because surely she hadn't done anything. She could little to prevent herself falling even deeper in love as Ashley looked at her with caring eyes, eyes that wanted to maintain any semblance of connection the two of them shared. She was such an amazing person.

"Ash," she sighed out as her voice cracked a bit. "You will always mean the world to me. That will never change."

Ashley closed her eyes in an attempt to savor the moment, one that could very well be the last time she would hear such a sentiment from her love. Smiling as she relished the sound of the words from beautiful lips, she opened her eyes once more to look at Spencer. "I have something for you…" she paused as she gathered all of her courage to force out the next bit. "And Jessie." She pulled the two tickets from her pocket and held them shakily as she extended them towards Spencer.

Spencer furrowed her brow as she received the small strips of paper, knowing immediately what they were. "To your show?"

"In two weeks," Ashley answered with a nod. "I have a few new songs that I've been working on and I want you to be among the first to hear them."

"Ash," she replied with an appreciation as she read over the tickets. Front row center for her and… Jessie. Wouldn't that be a bit uncomfortable for Ashley? God, she really didn't deserve this from her. "I don't know what to say."

"Just say that you guys will come," Ashley said with a genuine smile. "I would love that."

Spencer stared into the familiar brown orbs for what seemed like hours as she searched for reasons to doubt Ashley's sincerity. She found none, only reassurance that it would be alright. That somehow, down the road things would be alright.

"Okay," she replied as she smiled and looked back towards the ocean.

Ashley took a deep breath as she glanced out as well, "I should go. Kyla's waiting on me and it's gonna be dark soon."

Spencer nodded as tears filled her eyelids, "Take care Ash." They stood up simultaneously as she sneakily wiped her tears away.

This didn't go unnoticed by Ashley, but she was in no position to acknowledge it. They were making progress and she was too scared that she would ruin that by saying anything. Instead, she opted for a hug, pulling the blonde into her arms.

Spencer's eyes closed as she breathed in Ashley's scent. She wondered if they would ever be this close again as lightning crashed in the swells of her heart. She knew that she would never feel this for anyone else again, this all-encompassing magnetism. Her thoughts drifted to Jessie as she thought sadly of their impending nuptials. If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with right?

Slowly, they broke apart as they both fought back tears to hide their pain from one another. Ashley initiated a mutual smile as she turned to exit the room, leaving behind all that she loved; but knowing that they would be okay. It was in that moment that the bright sun sank into the ocean on the horizon, kissing the water as it met.

She quickly made her way down the stairs, taking two at a time, as she felt the need to flee the house as quickly as possible. She knew they needed to do this, remain friends. She just didn't know how exactly. As she came to the front door, she halted suddenly, wondering if she should go back… and do what exactly? She didn't know. She just didn't want to walk out of the house just yet, but she had to. She had move on and it had to be now. She forced a large breath into her lungs as she knew that she needed to leave. Kyla was waiting after all. With a hesitant hand, she lifted the brass handle of the door and slowly exited the house, leaving her dreams and aspirations behind inside. It was as though a heavy weight had lifted as she stood on the front patio looking into the bright colors of the setting sky. A smile crept over her features as she allowed herself to walk forward, leaving the past behind.

"Hey, I was wondering if you were gonna come back out here any time soon," Kyla said as she leaned up against the truck. She noticed the small smile on her sister's face and wrinkled up her forehead as she wondered what could have possibly been worth smiling about. "Aren't you supposed to be upset right now?"

"I am. Believe me," Ashley sighed softly as she made her way around to the passenger side of the van. "But," she continued as they both climbed in, meeting their gazes once inside. "It's all bittersweet you know? My heart is completely broken, but at the same time, I'm happy for her because she's okay."

"You don't have to be you know," Kyla replied as she put the van in reverse.

"I spent years pushing her away and hurting her," Ashley thought back regrettably as tears formed in her eyes. "I only have myself to thank. But, I'm happy that she is out from under the weight of it all."

"Ash," Kyla began sympathetically.

"So," Ashley interrupted as she looked out the side window watching the houses go by. "What apartment did you find for me?"

Kyla thought for a moment as she wished that her sister wouldn't try to be so strong; that she would allow herself to hurt in the way she needed to. She was only human after all and she didn't have to hide it from her. "You're gonna love it. It's a gorgeous loft on the beach."

Ashley frowned as she replied with a scrunched nose, "Actually, I don't want to live on the beach anymore. Anything else?"

"Yeah Ash," Kyla said with a sigh. "But this one was fully furnished and move-in ready. You sure we can't at least look at it together?" She had loved it the first walk through she took with the realtor.

Ashley's eyes met her sister's pleading ones as she reluctantly agreed, "Sure, why not?"

* * *

><p>A few moments had passed once Ashley had left before Spencer sighed as she allowed herself to fall onto the large empty bed, this time allowing the tears to flow freely. Ashley was gone and it was all final. She could only loudly sob as she buried her face into the pillows that somehow still held Ashley's scent. It was all her fault really; if only she had been able to get over what had happened then they could've tried to rebuild their marriage. She hated herself so much at that moment as she thought of all of the lies she had maintained to get Ashley to let her go. Ashley was better off now; she desperately needed to believe as she continued to cry.<p>

Her shaky hand slowly moved to her pocket as she fumbled for its contents, pulling the crinkled photo free. She glanced down upon the faces and momentarily allowed her mind to wonder back, remembering the joy and happiness that had found them both.

* * *

><p><em>Spencer smiled largely as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. Never in her life had she imagined that she would ever feel this ecstatic about something. She hesitated a moment before allowing herself to celebrate by clapping her hands softly and laughing with a sigh, her eyes twinkling in a hopeful glow.<em>

_Suddenly, a slamming door broke her from her thoughts as she smiled even larger. Ashley was home and she couldn't wait to see her!_

_Ashley sighed heavily as she flung her bag onto the chair beside the door, her shoulders slumped and expression one of complete exhaustion. This had been an awful day, one spent in the studio arguing with her producer about the inclusion of a song on her next album. When would they just let her be herself and make her music the way she wanted to? It was her damn album after all._

_She sighed again as she flopped down onto the couch and brought her hands up to rub her eyes, trying desperately to rid the headache that had haunted her all damn day. She lied back as her feet came to rest at the far end of the couch, allowing herself to sink lower into the soft cushions. There was reason she had stood her ground when choosing this couch; it had a way of alleviating her pain and frustrations and was doing exactly that at that moment. Spencer had thought it was the ugliest thing in the showroom, but after Ashley begged and pleaded… and promised to be her slave for life, she relented and they purchased what Spencer had referred to as the "ugliest most overpriced couch in all the land."_

_Ashley could only smile as she thought back on the day they went furniture shopping. Her thoughts were short lived as a vibrant blonde jolted her back to reality by landing not-so softly on her._

_"Hey sexy," Spencer exclaimed as she smiled. "It's about time you got home."_

_Ashley's face contorted in pain as Spencer's knee inadvertently connected with her crotch. She thanked all of the stars in the sky that in that moment she had been born a girl. If it had hurt this much, imagine what she would have felt if she were not._

_"Oh my God!" Spencer exclaimed as Ashley coughed in pain. "I'm so sorry baby. God, I didn't mean to!" She moved off quickly to allow Ashley to lean up and come to a sitting position._

_Ashley could only clutch her groin as she searched for her voice, coughing through a wince. "It's okay dear," she grunted out as she smiled forcibly._

_"No I obviously hurt you," Spencer replied as she gently rubbed the spot of pain._

_Ashley's expression softened as she asked, "What's got you so excited anyway?"_

_Spencer kissed her wife passionately as she began making Ashley forget all about her pained groin and bad day. Ashley relished the kiss because, well, it was her favorite thing after all. Her hands ran up to tangle within blonde locks as she deepened the kiss and pulled Spencer on top of her in a straddling position. As the kiss became a full-fledged make out session, her hands then journeyed to her wife's waist as her fingertips found the hem of a shirt. With a gentle tug, the fabric found its way to the floor as they broke the kiss._

_"Not that I don't enjoy this," Spencer said with closed eyes as Ashley kissed down her neck. "But this wasn't why I attacked you."_

_Ashley pulled back to squint curiously into dark blue eyes. "Well, I'm not sure I can think of another justifiable reason to be attacked."_

_Spencer smiled as she leaned in to place a soft kiss to Ashley's lusciously perfect lips. "We did it!"_

_Ashley frowned as she pursed her lips together in thought. "Did what?"_

_"It worked!" Spencer exclaimed back with disbelief as she kissed Ashley once again, only this time harder._

_"Are you going to stop being so cryptic?" Ashley asked as she pulled away. She was smiling now and it was because Spencer was the cutest thing ever when excited about something. "What worked?"_

_"Oh," she frowned as she remembered that Ashley was completely oblivious. She hadn't told her wife of her plans as it was to be a surprise._

_"Spence," Ashley frowned once again as she noticed the fallen expression on her wife's face. "What's wrong?"_

_"Nothing," Spencer breathed out as she decided to just go for it. "I'm pregnant… We're pregnant!"_

_Ashley's eyes bugged out of her head and seemingly circled the globe. How was this even possible? Last time she checked, they were lacking a few vital parts in that department. She shook her head as her eyes shut. "Wha.. What?"_

_Spencer laughed softly out of either fear or nervousness. She hadn't told Ashley about going to the cryobank and she hoped with all that was in her that her wife wouldn't be angry. "When the adoption fell through, I sought other options," she finished carefully as she lifted her shoulders shyly._

_"You got inseminated?" Ashley couldn't believe her ears. Spencer was pregnant and she had no idea that they were even trying._

_"Well I knew how upset you were when we couldn't adopt Lily, so I wanted to surprise you," she paused as she looked for any hint of happiness in the dark, wide brown eyes. Moments passed without Ashley even acknowledging the news and Spencer's heart began to pound irrefutably in her ears._

_"Please say something…"_

_Ashley smiled as she sighed in disbelief and shook her head, "Wow. I mean… I don't know what to say."_

_"Please, just say that you're happy?" Spencer scrunched her brows in nervousness._

_"Of course I'm happy!" She exclaimed as she pulled her wife into the most loving hug that they had ever shared, if that was at all possible. "God," she said before kissing Spencer passionately, needing to relay all of her assurances in that kiss. "I'm so happy. Baby, I love you so much." She strongly lifted Spencer to place butterfly kisses to her exposed stomach, making the blonde laugh from the tickles._

_"Good," she replied through chuckles as their eyes met once again. "Because, I don't think we can return it."_

_"You bet your sweet ass we're not!" Ashley said ecstatically as she lifted them both to stand on the floor, her hands clutching her wife's hips and her eyes holding so much love in them._

_Spencer noticed how happy her wife was in that moment and she couldn't keep the tears from flowing down her face. "I love you, Dear," she said as her hand gently stroked Ashley's cheek before they brought their lips together again._


	7. Not Your Mother's Remedy

**Chapter Seven**

"It is nice Kyla," Ashley reluctantly admitted as she allowed her eyes to travel around the expanse of the loft for the first time as they walked through the front door.

"It has 1,943 square feet with three bedrooms; each with its own private bath!" the realtor exclaimed flamboyantly through a 1000 watt smile, obviously trying hard to work her well-practiced charm.

She was a slender woman with dark hair and full lips; not a day over thirty. Ashley could tell that just from a swing of her hip, she had sold many houses and apartments; probably to pay for the extensive dental work she'd had. Her teeth and smile were flawless! By today's standards, she would definitely be a California ten, with long and tanned legs that seemed to curve their way into two very persuasive hips that were carefully concealed beneath an excruciatingly short black business skirt. Ashley's eyes made their way upward as she took in the rest of the realtor's appearance. A tight black blouse was buttoned up just enough to conceal her breasts as her cleavage begged to be noticed between a pinstriped vest. Ashley sighed as she wondered if the woman before her had any idea that she was trying way too hard. She was a beautiful woman, Ashley thought, but her looks were wasted as Ashley was not at all interested.

"There are two terraces which are ideal for barbecuing," Sandra, her name was, said through rich and full red lips. "Tell me Ms. Davies," she began flirtatiously with a smile. "Do you barbecue?"

"Uhh…" Ashley paused as she momentarily ran the possible meanings through her mind. _Was that code for something? _"I'm not much of a meat eater." She shook her head as she turned away from the woman to avoid further embarrassment. She was never one for shameless flirting, as was being displayed, and for some reason always felt embarrassed when others made attempts to come on to her. She was confident, yes, but only with one woman.

"Ash," Kyla began as she noticed the uncomfortable presence on her sister's face. "Let me show you the kitchen." She motioned Ashley towards the far end of the great room, wanting whole-heartedly to sell her sister on this gorgeous loft.

As they made their way toward the kitchen, Ashley took in the nice red oak wood floors and was glad for the contemporary design of the place. The trim around the windows was not outdated, nor was it cheap looking. All in all, there was a nice artistically refreshing feel to it and she had to admit, she liked the place. They walked around the formal dining area and she glanced at the marble top table, noticing how heavy the sucker must've been to deliver up 5 flights of stairs.

"As you can see," Sandra began with a flick of her wrist motioning around, once they reached the kitchen. "All of the appliances are brand new, stainless steel, top of the line. The counter tops are polished granite," she continued as she ran her hand seductively over the counter, locking eyes with Ashley and closing their gap. "Not that cheap stuff," she whispered as she made her way towards the gulping singer.

Ashley could only smile reluctantly as she leaned back to put more space between them, her eyes pleading with Kyla to rescue her. Kyla, however, fought hard to resist the smirk coming over her as she was completely amused by Ashley's apparent fear of the woman before them. Her sister had always been extremely confident and never one to allow nerves to take over. Yet, here she was, sweating around the collar as she nervously begged for rescuing, and from a hot woman no less.

"You like granite right Ash?" Kyla asked teasingly as her resolve crumbled. She laughed ever so slightly as Ashley moved around to the opposite side of the island, putting much needed space between her and the sexy realtor.

"It's very nice," Ashley swallowed as she thought how unprofessional the woman was.

Sandra smiled as she moved to make her way out of the kitchen area, her hips swaying teasingly. She knew she had an effect on almost everyone; it was her gift after all. "If you'll follow me, I can show you the bedrooms…" She trailed off as she disappeared around a wall that seemed to act as more of a divider, separating non-private space from private space.

"Hahaha," Kyla burst out laughing as she walked towards her sister. "Wow, she really wants to sell this to you!"

"Kyla," Ashley replied with a look of death. "That's her job."

"Well," she said with a chuckle as they walked towards the bedroom. "Looks like she wants to sell you more than a loft," she finished in a whisper. "Should I stay out here or will you be okay?" She motioned to the couch in the living room.

"I swear to God," Ashley stopped walking as her eyes bore into to similar brown ones, grabbing Kyla's shoulders with vice-like grip. "If you leave me alone with her, I'll have your head."

"I was only kidding," Kyla said as she rubbed the spot which Ashley's fingers had gripped ever so tightly. "Gosh… How long has it been anyway?" She laughed as they continued on their way.

Ashley's jaw clenched as she let her sister know that she was in no mood to discuss this or anything else remotely related to her sex life. It had been a while, yes, but it had also been a while since she had been in the mood.

Upon entering the bedroom, they both stopped, suddenly wide-eyed, as they took in the appearance of Sandra, bent over and fumbling with the lock on the patio door, her skirt rising much higher than necessary.

"She _really _wants you…" Kyla muttered in a sing-song voice through the side of her mouth in Ashley's ear. This statement only received her a painful jab to the rib cage as Ashley turned around to focus her attention on the closet, a much needed distraction from the woman's tanned, toned legs.

"It seems that the closet is nice and large. Is it a walk-in?" Ashley said nervously to break her thoughts from the woman behind her. She momentarily rolled her eyes at herself as she realized that she knew the answer to her lame attempt at breaking the uncomfortable thoughts from her mind.

"Oh yes," Sandra turned away from the patio to walk towards the closet. She flipped the switch on just inside to illuminate the tiny room. "As you can see, there is ample space for storage." She leaned towards the closet, pushing her cleavage out as she emphasized the word ample.

Ashley's eyebrows shot up to her hairline from noticing the boobs which were now in her face as she turned away from the closet and made her way around the bed to gaze out upon the patio, her face turning five shades of red. It was a wall of glass that contained a sliding door to a balcony which overlooked the Malibu shoreline. The nice thing about this loft was that it was in a different suburb of LA and she was grateful that she wouldn't be suffocated by all of the things that reminded her of her life with Spencer; even this beach was different than the one they had loved together. Slowly, her thoughts drifted over the occurrences of the past week; so much had happened; her divorce, moving out, coming to terms with it all. It had certainly been a week of trials and tribulations to say the least; and she was still so uncertain about how she felt about it all. Of course she was heartbroken, but at the end of the day was it really all just for the best?

She was so lost in her thoughts that she hadn't noticed Sandra come to stand close beside her.

"Beautiful isn't it?" Sandra asked as, and for the first time all night, she sounded like a human being with feelings and emotions other than sexual. This abruptly broke Ashley from her thoughts as she only continued to stare out at the endless ocean, wondering if it would be possible to just get lost in it all and disappear.

"Yeah," Ashley replied softly through an exhausted sigh as she looked towards the horizon. "I just don't know if I want more sunsets."

"Look," Sandra began as she looked at Ashley with sympathetic eyes. "I know that it might not mean much coming from me but, I really am sorry to hear about your divorce. It's never an easy thing to go through, trust me."

Without turning her head, Ashley looked through the edge of her eyes to gauge the sincerity in the woman's voice. The woman's eyes held a sadness in them that she reasoned was the result of many failed attempts at love. It was then that Ashley realized that maybe this woman had more to her than legs. Maybe she was just another lonely soul looking for her happy ending. Whatever the case, she wasn't interested in anything more than the loft as she managed a reply. "Thanks, but I should think it over a little before I decide."

"Not a problem," Sandra said with a genuine smile as she moved to exit the room, backing off of the heartbroken singer. "I'll let you have some time to think it over." With that, she exited the room leaving the two sisters to themselves.

"So," Kyla inquisitively began. "What do you think Ash?"

"I think it's nice but…" she paused for a moment, searching for an actual reason to be hesitant.

"Ash," she said upon hearing no further response. "I know why you're hesitant. And I know how you feel."

Ashley's eyes came up to meet her sister's through scrunched brows as she curiously waited for her to continue. How could she have possibly known? Ashley herself wasn't even sure of her exact feelings at that moment. All she knew for certain was that there was an unsettling feeling that seemed to take up residence at the base of her spine.

"It's your first major purchase without Spencer," Kyla reasoned with sympathy, her hand coming to rest gently on her sister's shoulder. "And I know that it's hard for you."

"It's not just that," Ashley admitted as they both took a seat on the bed. "I want to move on. I want so much to be okay with it all, and on some level I think I am; but…" She paused, unsure of where her confessions were taking her. "I'm just not sure that I want to stay in California… but I'm so not ready to leave it all behind." She was so unsure of what she wanted out of life, now that the one thing she lived for was gone.

"Maybe you could stay here while you figure that out and then…" She took a deep breath as she searched for a solution she knew she didn't have. "Maybe, down the road, you could sell it and move somewhere."

"I just never pictured myself with a bachelor pad," she said with a hint of sadness masquerading as sarcasm.

"Do you like it though Ash?" Kyla asked as she wanted to make sure that her sister would be as happy as was possible, considering the circumstances. "Cause we can keep looking you know."

Ashley thought for a moment as she glanced out at the ocean once more, "No I do like it."

"It is fully furnished…" Kyla added persuasively before she wondered, "Which you like by the way right? The furniture?"

"Yeah," Ashley nodded as she smiled a small smile. "It's all tasteful… the appliances… the view… the furniture… the artwork…"

"The realtor…" Kyla chuckled out as she knew that it would make for a lighthearted moment, one Ashley needed.

Ashley laughed as she shook her head and poked her elbow in her sister's ribs. "Whom, by the way, is not my type at all."

"You don't even wanna find out?" Kyla asked as she instantly defended herself. "I don't mean date her. I just… I don't know Ash. You don't have to be alone right now."

"Come on Kyla," Ashley replied with a disbelieving expression, her face scrunching up. "She seems way too easy and I'm not into that. Besides…" She couldn't believe Kyla would even suggest she start something so soon after her marriage had just ended. "I just go divorced."

"And maybe that's just what you need right now," Kyla added sternly with a smile. "Something simple. You know? No strings attached."

"Then what's the point?" Ashley asked with a head shake, knowing full well what Kyla was suggesting; sex without all of the other baggage known as a relationship. She had once been that kind of person, only interested in sex and sleeping with every girl she could; but that was pre-Spencer. She was better than that now right?

"Umm hello…" Kyla replied sarcastically. "They don't call it rebound sex for nothing." She knew in her heart it was wrong to suggest such a thing, but maybe Ashley needed to show Spencer what she was missing; bring the green eyed monster out. Maybe then Spencer would come to her senses and realize that no one belonged together more than she and Ashley. Yes, she had gone along with the plan to break them up to protect Ashley, but she was never in agreement that it was the right thing to do.

"Kyla, I'm 29…" Ashley began with squinted eyes before being interrupted.

"All the more reason to go for it," she replied with persuasion and, noticing Ashley's clearly confused expression, she added matter-of-factly, "You're still in your prime."

Ashley shook her head with a smile before replying sarcastically. "Why don't we focus on getting this loft and moving me in before we try to line up sluts for me to sleep with?" She was clearly joking as she in no mood to ever again enter into a casual agreement of sex, at least not at this point. It was all so fresh, her wounds and the pain lingered on.

"Fine," Kyla relented as she held up her hands in defeat. "Have it your way. Just don't shut yourself off from people and miss out on opportunities. The woman is hot."

"Then you sleep with her," Ashley said as they stood up from the bed to go find where Miss Legsfordays had wandered off to.

"You know," Kyla teased back as they exited the bedroom, walking side by side. "I just might."

"Right," Ashley replied with a chuckle. Kyla was straighter than a 2x4 and nothing had been funnier than the thought of it all. "And while you're at it tell her I'll take it."

"I'm delighted to hear that Ms. Davies," Sandra announced as she came to stand beside the sisters. "You won't regret it."

"Oh, I'm sure I will," Ashley muttered under her breath for only herself to hear as she subtly imitated with her hand a gun shooting into her mouth.

"Let me go grab the paperwork from my car and once you sign it, you can begin moving your things in," she smiled as she exited the apartment excitedly to retrieve the papers from her car. Another job well done!

"I think I just made her day," Ashley said to Kyla with amused eyes directed towards the closing door.

"More like her month," she chuckled her response as they entered the living room.

Ashley glanced from the door to the awaiting couch. One more test. She walked over to the large brown sectional and sat down. She smiled as she noticed the soft inviting feel the brown couch had offered. As Kyla took her seat on the opposite flank of the sectional, Ashley allowed herself to be enveloped by the soft squishy cushions as she lied back. This couch was nicely comparable to the couch that she had fought so hard to purchase all those years ago. With its sunken nature and plush microfiber texture, it was a warming welcome to the stress in her body.

"At least I don't have to run out and by a couch," Ashley sighed as she relaxed a bit, closing her eyes slightly.

"It is quite comfortable," Kyla agreed as she brought her feet up to half lay across the couch.

"Well doesn't that look cozy," Sandra stated from behind, announcing her return.

Ashley's legs quickly moved to the floor, jolting her to a seated position. She was in no mood to allow Lustylocks to catch her in a position related in any way to sex.

Kyla only chuckled as she noticed her sister's dramatic reaction. She was comfortable and not about to move.

"So," Sandra began as she seated herself next to Ashley, laying the documents in front of them on the coffee table. "If you'll just read over these and sign them, you can have your keys."

She looked from the realtor to Kyla, searching her sister's eyes for reassurance that this was a good thing.

"It's okay Ash," Kyla offered as she nodded her head. "I already had the papers looked over and there is nothing to be alarmed about."

"Okay," Ashley breathed deeply as she took the ink pen from the outstretched hand of the realtor, their fingers lightly brushing against one another. She met the pen with the papers and after several signatures, including one on a large check, was handed a set of keys.

"There you go Ms. Davies," Sandra said proudly as she finished closing another deal. She dropped the keys into Ashley's awaiting hand as she added, "And here..." she gripped a small sliver of paper in her other hand. "Is my business card. I want you to feel free to call me if you find yourself needing anything," she emphasized anything with a smirk on her lips.

Ashley's breathing halted as she swallowed her last breath. She obligingly took the small card from the woman before her, upon adding, "I'm sure I'll be fine. Thanks."

"You never know," the woman said as she stood to leave, smoothing out her skirt in the process.

Once she had exited the apartment, Ashley glanced down at the business card before quickly discarding it on the coffee table before her. She allowed her breath to finally escape her lungs as the realization that she just purchased a $1,358,000 loft sunk in.

"Well," Ashley began with a reluctant smile. "We better go get my things. We have a U-haul to return."

* * *

><p>"Mom… Dad?" her broken voiced echoed through the seemingly empty house, shrinking her down and making her feel so small and insignificant. She had spent the better part of the night crying herself senseless after Ashley had left, before packing a bag and deciding to retreat to the comfort of her parents' house for, hopefully, a few days.<p>

"We're in here honey," Spencer heard her dad's voice call as she made her way through the kitchen to the television room in the back of the house.

"Hey," she said softly as her mom switched off the show they had been watching. "Mom, you don't have to shut that off for me."

"It's okay, honey," Paula said sympathetically as she took in the sad appearance of her only daughter, her heart breaking instantly. "Besides, you're more important than _Top Chef_ any day of the week."

Spencer smiled a small, soft smile at her mother's attempt to lighten her mood. However ineffective it might have been, she appreciated it nonetheless. "Thanks."

"Come sit," Arthur said warmly as he moved to stand up from the couch. "I'll go make you some tea." He retreated in an effort to give them some much needed mother-daughter time.

Spencer nodded shyly before joining her mother on the couch. She could see the worry in the eyes before her and she knew that she had come to the right place. Upon sitting down, her mother's warm arms enveloped her in a much needed hug, comforting her of her troubles if only momentarily. So comforted was she that she allowed herself to cry a little more as she leaned her head on Paula's shoulder.

"It'll be okay sweetie," Paula offered in a desperate attempt to sooth her daughters wounds, knowing that her words would come to be true one day; but today wasn't that day and right now she needed to be strong for her daughter. In all her life, she had never wanted for her children to have to suffer the pains of divorce. She had experienced firsthand what such an occurrence does to people, as her own parents had divorced many years before.

"Was I stupid?" Spencer asked through tears as she slumped against her mother. "I mean I'm completely crazy right?"

"Honey, I can't tell you if it was right or wrong. I don't think anyone has the answer to that," Paula said as they broke their embrace. "You did what you thought you had to in order to protect the one you love."

"I just wish it didn't hurt her so much," she said as her hands came up to wipe away her tears. "You should've seen her in the courtroom. I almost didn't go through with it," she sobbed as more tears spilled. "But then I remembered why I was doing it. I can't be the one to destroy her. At least now she has the chance to move on."

"Do you really think she will be able to?" Paula asked as she moved her daughter's hair behind her ear.

"I have to," Spencer replied as she looked down at her hands. "I don't know that I will ever be able to get over what happened with Emery. That wound still feels like it's bleeding and I will not continue to pull Ashley down because I can't get over it."

"Spencer," her mother interjected as she laid a soft hand to her cheek to pull her daughter's gaze towards her own. "No one expects you to ever get over it. You lost your daughter."

"I know that; but I can't constantly blame Ashley and make her feel awful because of it. She lost _her_ daughter too. If I can't forgive her then that is my problem and I'm not the right person for her," Spencer admitted heartbreakingly.

"Forgiveness is hard thing to come by," Paula's wisdom floated out through soft words.

"But it shouldn't be with the one you love. I can't punish her anymore and I refuse to," she shook her head adamantly as she forced back her tears. "I mean, I don't even understand what it is I feel anymore. It's like I'm so lost and the only one who could make me feel better is the one I just can't forgive. And I don't even know why!"

"What happened was unimaginable. No one expects you to ever get over it, Spence," her mother offered as she soothed her hands over blonde locks that mirrored her own. "Not even Ashley."

"I just hate myself so much for it," she cried out as her shaky hands clutched her mother's shirt, desperately seeking reprieve from her sins. "Ashley worked so hard to get to where she is. She's forgiven herself and I know how hard that was for her. But I just can't and I don't know why. I understand that it wasn't her fault, I do. So why can't I forgive her?"

"I'm afraid no one has that answer but you, Spence," Paula said, careful not to upset her daughter anymore. "But do you think that marrying Jessie will be the answer you're looking for?"

"You know why I'm doing that," Spencer said firmly as her eyes met her mother's. She could see nothing but concern, so she was able to keep her anger at bay.

"I know," Paula nodded as she submitted reluctantly. "I just want you to be sure."

"Jessie and I love each other. We may not be each other's first choice, but we can be happy together," she paused in her self-convincing statement before adding, "Maybe in time…"

"Do you really believe that?" Paula interrupted. "Or has it gotten to where you feel like you've passed the point of no return? It's not too late to call it off, Spence."

"Mom," Spencer's expression hardened. "You know I can't do that. I can't let her down too." As she finished the last sentence she began to cry once more. "God, I hate myself so much for what I've done to Ashley. The least I can do is help Jessie. Some good has to come out of all of this."

"And what about you?" Paula asked determinedly. "In all of this, have you even once stopped to think of your own well-being?"

"What about me? I'm a monster. I've managed to make a mess out of everything. Ashley deserves so much better than me. Someone who loves her enough to forgive her for the things she does," Spencer sobbed through her rambling as she looked to her feet on the floor. "And for the things she couldn't control."

"It's not about loving her enough, Spencer," she quickly rebutted as she put her arm around her daughter. "No one could love Ashley more than you."

"And that's why I did what I did," Spencer replied as she once again wiped her eyes of hot tears. "I love her enough to want what's best for her and I'm not _it_."

Paula allowed a silence to fall over them instead of replying. She had no words to give as they sat there on the couch, her daughter hopelessly awash with the anguish of her past choices.

"I saw a counselor the other day. Jessie set it up," Spencer changed the subject quietly.

"That's good," Paula genuinely exclaimed as she smiled sadly.

"God… If only I'd had the guts to do it sooner, I'd still be married," she smiled sadly through tears as her eyes looked to the ceiling.

"Why didn't you?"

"I don't know," she answered as she shook her head in confusion. "I guess I was scared of admitting all the things that I felt. I didn't want Ashley to know that she didn't have my forgiveness. It would have hurt her so much more than all of this."

Paula had no response worthy of uttering in that moment. The two girls she loved most were broken and she wasn't sure what to do to save either of them. She guessed that she would leave it in the uncertain hands of fate and hope and pray that it would somehow find a way to cure their pain.

"Can you believe that Ashley gave Jessie and I VIP tickets to her show in two weeks?" She asked disbelievingly as she pulled the items from her pocket. "Front row center. She is such a better person than I could ever hope be."

"I think Ashley would disagree with you on that if she knew what you were doing," Paula argued as she looked at the tickets which had been handed to her. "Are you going to go?"

"I don't know. I told her we would, but I don't think I can do that to her; masquerade around pretending to be happy with Jessie on my arm. That's so cold." She shook her head at the thought as she remembered something, "Oh, I invited her to Christmas like you asked and she agreed to come."

"Good," Paula smiled as she handed the tickets back to her daughter. "I'm glad. I would hate so much for her to spend the holidays alone. She is still family in my book." Spencer smiled sadly as she thought of how Ashley would always be part of their family.

"Yeah… Mom… do you think I could stay here for a few days? Jessie is super busy shooting on set and I can't stay at home right now." It wasn't home without Ashley and she grimaced as she uttered the word.

"Of course sweetie," Paula smiled warmly with a nod. "You never have to ask."

* * *

><p>"Ugh," Kyla exclaimed tiredly as she collapsed onto the couch out of breath. "I'm so glad that you chose not to bring any more things with you. I don't think I could have taken it."<p>

"Kyla," Ashley chuckled as she walked back into the living room, handing bottled water to her sister. "We only moved a few boxes and some music equipment."

"Hey," her sister defended, "Those amps were heavy. I'm not cut out for physical labor."

"Which is why you aren't my personal trainer too," Ashley replied as she joined Kyla on the couch. "That would've saved me so much money…"

Kyla laughed as she sipped her water. "So…"

Ashley raised her eyebrows as she looked at her sister curiously. "So what?"

"Are you gonna call her?" Kyla teased as she looked at her sister expectantly.

"Who?" Ashley played dumb. She was in no mood to discuss this again.

"You know who," Kyla replied as she shortened the realtor's name, hinting at the movie Grease. "_Sandy!_" She exclaimed, mimicking John Travolta in the last scene. "_I got chills, they're multiplying..."_

Ashley playfully slapped her sister on the arm before grabbing a throw pillow and launching it at her face to end the atrocious attempt at singing. "I'm not calling anyone."

"Fine, fine…" Kyla said as she rolled her eyes. "You're loss."

"Shouldn't you be taking a van back?" Ashley asked, suddenly wanting her annoying sister gone.

Kyla sighed as she lifted her heavy feet to stand. "You're right. It's due back by 9PM."

"You better hurry," Ashley pointed to her watch with a chuckle. "It's 8:43."

"Oh gosh," Kyla frowned as she flung her arms around Ashley to kiss her sister on the cheek and then she made her way out the door.

Ashley could only laugh as she pulled her legs to lie out across the expanse of the couch. Kyla was usually on top of things and it tickled Ashley to witness her forgetting something every now and then. Sighing, she allowed her shoulders to relax and her thoughts to run rampant. She had purchased a bachelor pad today… well bachelorette pad; and she was yet to be certain of how she felt about it. She glanced around the living room as she took in the colors and shapes that she surmised she would never get used to. The light brown walls held a warmth in them that seemed to comfort Ashley, making it easier to breathe as she noticed the differences between here and what she used to call home… what would always be home.

Suddenly her eyes were drawn to a glimmer that caught her attention from on the coffee table. She sat up quickly as she scrunched her eyebrows to focus her gaze on the source of the glimmer, her heart rate quickening as she realized what it was. There she saw her wedding band sitting on the vast surface of her coffee table. Slowly her hand extended towards the band as she fought her nerves to pick it up. It was wrapped around a small piece of paper that was rolled up and stuffed inside. She inhaled sharply as she removed the paper and unrolled it slowly.

_Because memories are important, however painful they may be.  
><em>

She smiled a small, barely noticeable smile as her eyes averted away to think deeply on the gesture for a moment. Kyla was a girl of many surprises and she was so grateful that she could lay claim to her as her sister. How had she found the ring? She surmised that it must've been when she had showered and left Kyla alone in the hotel room. The girl was a bit of a sentimental sap, to say the least.

She fingered the ring softly as she studied it in detail. The ring wasn't as shiny as the day they had exchanged them, instead, it was a bit duller and showed plenty signs of wear and tear. She smiled as she recalled the time she had lost it down the drain. Spencer had been 6 months pregnant at the time and was desperately craving pickles. Ashley, being the bundle of nerves she was throughout the whole pregnancy, was rinsing the pickles clean in the sink and before she had realized it, her ring had slipped off and wondered down the drain. It took Ashley all night to figure out a way to retrieve it, but luckily she had before Spencer noticed. She was sure that in her emotional state, the blonde would have cried and irrationally determined that Ashley didn't love her anymore. She smiled as she thought of how she would do anything in the world for Spencer; even now, though they are divorced, she would gladly give her life for the woman.

It didn't matter how Kyla had found it; she had and that was something Ashley was grateful for. She had discarded the ring in a hasty moment of self-pity and no matter how much in her mind it had been the right thing to do, she knew that she would have grown to regret it deeply one day. Throwing away the ring was a sign that she was throwing away her past with Spencer and all of the memories that went with it. That was something she would never want to do. No, this ring belonged in the special box which she had kept that contained all of the things she never wanted to forget.

Gripping the band tightly in her left palm, in one swift motion, she stood to her feet and turned towards the doorway which opened into the master suite. They had carried her boxes in earlier and though most of them were discarded into the guest room, the particular box she wanted was tucked safely underneath her bed, a secret to most people who knew Ashley. She would never admit to anyone the contents of the small box that held her most precious memories. It was a box for just her and her alone; no one else could possibly appreciate it.

As she entered the large master room, she was suddenly all too aware of the fact that she was totally and utterly alone. The cold feeling hit her all at once like an earthquake, shaking her to her very core. Her breath became jagged and her heart began pounding in her temples. She swallowed the lump which formed deep in her throat as she made her way over to _her_side of the bed and slumped down, wrinkling the perfectly smoothed out comforter. She glanced out through the patio doors and her eyes scanned the endlessness of the ocean. Tears began to form as she took a deep breath in an attempt to maintain her resolve. Failing miserably, she allowed tears to escape her eyelids as her mouth dryly opened.

"This sucks so much," she quietly admitted to no one as a sob made its way from her throat. Her hand shakily wiped the tears from her face as she loosened her grip on the ring which was now baring down upon her, uncomfortably, with the weight of all her past mistakes.

With a deep sigh, she moved to the floor, sitting on her knees as she leaned under the bed to fish out her box. Once she had it in her grasp, she pulled it to her with a heavy heart and closed eyes. She was terrified beyond belief at the thought of glancing upon the photos and letters from her life before now, a life that was no more.

Minutes passed before she allowed her eyes to open and glance down upon the small lidded photo box. Though it had recently been moved, dust still managed to stake its claim on the brown surface. She wasn't sure how long she had sat there just staring down, hesitant to open the box, fearing that if she allowed herself a look at all of the contents, she might not be able to keep from slipping into the darkness that had once consumed her. However, the ring in her palm was burning into her skin and she needed to safely lock it away somewhere.

She forced herself, jaw clenching, to open the lid of the photo box. Her fingers wrapped around the edge as it began to slowly lift away from the bottom. She sighed with sadness as she glanced down at the photo on top. It was a beautiful picture of her kissing Spencer's exposed and very pregnant belly. They had brought a photographer into their home and commissioned a series of art photos to be taken, documenting the weeks prior to the birth of their child. She smiled sadly down upon the contrasting blissful expression of her younger self. She managed to lift a stack of photos from the box and as she fingered through them, she took a few moments to allow herself to reminisce. Photo after photo reminded her of all the things that she had lost; and one by one, they were again laid to rest within the walls of the small box.

As she came to the last photo in her hands, she took a sharp intake of breath as she glanced tearfully upon the picture. She smiled as she traced her fingers over the faces, two happy faces dressed in white. It was their wedding day and she smiled a full smile as she saw how happy they looked in the picture. She could remember it as if it had been only yesterday that they exchanged the vows they each had opted to write themselves. It had been the happiest day of Ashley's whole life, but the memories that crossed through her mind were not of the day in the photo, but of the wonderful night before.

_"Spencer," she whispered anxiously as her knuckles tapped the door in front of her. "Open up..."_

_Two knocks later, she was met with a chuckling voice as her fiancée replied through the closed door, "Couldn't wait until tomorrow could you, Ash?"_

_Ashley could only smile as she leaned her forehead against the door that separated her from the love of her life. "It's not that I couldn't wait... no, that's a lie... I can't wait... but I know how important it is to you and I want to... I'm just... I'm nervous..." she paused once she had finished nervously rambling before quickly adding, "Not about marrying you... that part I'm the most sure about... I just... I don't know what to say... for my vows. Everything sounds so stupid and cheesy... I've crumpled up so many sheets of paper." She chuckled at herself as she finished her rant. She was pathetic, and it was all due to the gorgeous girl on the other side of the door._

_Spencer smiled as she contained her own laughter. Ashley was beyond the cutest thing alive when she was this nervous. It wasn't an often occurrence, but Spencer thoroughly enjoyed hearing Ashley go on and on when all she really wanted to do was shut up._

_"Ash, it's okay," she reassured the poor girl. "We can use the traditional vows."_

_"No," Ashley quickly replied as she shook her head, knowing full well that no one could see. "I want to do this, write my own vows… Can I just come in?"_

_"Baby," Spencer laughed softly as she turned to lean her back against the door. Though they were separated by a thick hotel room door, she could feel Ashley's touch all over her. It was something that she felt whenever the two were within a hundred yards of each other. It was like she was engulfed in Ashley's aura; and she would never get used to feeling this wonderful. "You aren't supposed to see the bride before the wedding. It's bad luck you know?"_

_"I know... I know," she nodded as she fought her mind to think of a way to be in her girl's arms. "But I'll keep my eyes shut, I swear." She held up her hand and raised her other hand to her heart. "I swear on everything that is important to you that I will not look... just please... I need you."_

_Spencer sighed with closed eyes as she knew she could never resist that beautifully perfect voice. She smiled as she turned the knob, pausing before actually pulling the door open. "Okay, but open your eyes even just once... and you, my love, will have a sexless honeymoon."_

_"Deal," Ashley replied through a wide smile as she pulled the night mask over her eyes. She had come fully prepared and was not about to rain bad luck onto their marriage before it had even begun._

_"Eyes closed?" Spencer asked as she made sure Ashley was ready for her to open the door._

_"I can't see a thing," Ashley replied as she anxiously waited for Spencer to let her inside. Her nerves were getting the best of her by this point and she knew that only Spencer could calm them._

_"Good," Spencer agreed as she pulled a shirt around her eyes to blindfold herself. "Neither can I, so I think we're safe." She pulled the door open finally and before she could even think to say or do anything, she was attacked by kisses that were frantically searching for her lips, hands roaming all over her. She couldn't help but laugh as she began to pull Ashley inside the hotel room, shutting the door behind them._

_"God," Ashley breathed out as her lips finally found their counterpart. "This whole…" Kiss. "not seeing…" Kiss. "each other..." Kiss. "thing …" Kiss. "really…" Kiss. "blows."_

_Within seconds, Ashley had her pinned up against the door and was kissing her way down the vast expanse of a supple neck, savoring each and every touch. Her hands were wrapped around Spencer, holding her close as their breaths became heavy. Spencer's hands came up to tangle themselves within long brown messy curls as she, too, desperately kissed her love. Ashley's hands began to roam downward; and as her fingertips were just about to break through the elastic band of Spencer's shorts, she felt herself being pushed away gently._

_"Ash," Spencer breathed out in an attempt to keep them from going any further. It was taking everything within her to stop Ashley's progression; but they had decided weeks before to wait for the honeymoon. "We need to stop…" her voice trailed off as she ran her hands up and down Ashley's bare arms. Though she couldn't see her fiancée, she could tell that she had never looked sexier. For years, Ashley had been working her body into complete fitness and just the feel of those toned arms under her fingertips made her tremble with lust._

_"Yeah… I know," Ashley replied with an exasperated sigh as she reluctantly pulled away from her fiancée. "I'm sorry," she apologized as she leaned her forehead gently against Spencer's._

_"Don't be, baby," she said as she brought her hand up to gently caress her lover's cheek. "It will just be that much more special if we wait."_

_"I can't believe you're marrying me," Ashley declared through a smile, her cheeks pushing her mask up slightly._

_"This, coming from someone who's sick of hearing me say that about you," she teased back as they slid down to the floor together, now sitting against the door._

_"Well, you my dear, have no reason to doubt yourself… I, on the other hand, am not nearly worthy enough to call myself your wife," as she admitted this, her face fell and her voice grew thick from seriousness._

_"You're insane," Spencer rebutted as she blindly pulled Ashley's hand into her own, bringing it up to meet her lips. "There is no one else but you in this whole gigantic world that is good enough for me."_

_"I just don't want to let you down," she confessed as she ran her thumb across the back of Spencer's hand. "That's all."_

_"Ash, don't think of it that way," Spencer replied before leaning her head down to lie on Ashley's shoulder. "You love me right?" She asked as more of an answer than a question, hoping to spark some confidence within her fiancée._

_"You never have to ask that," Ashley stated without hesitation, shaking her head as she thought of all of the ways that she could put into words how she felt about Spencer._

_"See," she assured Ashley with a squeeze to her hand. "You have nothing to worry about because as long as you love me and are honest with me, there's nothing you can do to change the fact that you are mine and I am yours… Now how about them vows?" She finished with a smile._

_"Oh gosh," Ashley groaned as the back of her head connected with the door. "I don't even know what to say." She had been on stage a hundred times before, but none of them had made her as nervous as the stage she would be on tomorrow._

_"Just say how you feel Ash," Spencer said with a slight chuckle at the irony. "You know, someone who is a singer/songwriter and writes quite a few songs about love should be able to handle a few measly wedding vows."_

_Ashley's expression softened as her head shot up. Though she couldn't see Spencer, she knew the teasing expression well enough. "I just don't want to say the same cheesy old things that everyone says, but no one means. You know? I want it to be from me to you. No bullshit."_

_"Ahh… the cynic returns…" Spencer teased further._

_"No," Ashley chuckled as she shook her head with a smile. "I don't think I've been a cynic for a while now. You've made me believe that it's possible for two people to share a life and not want to kill each other… or want to fuck each other's best friends."_

_"How romantic!" Spencer mockingly exclaimed._

_"I'm serious. I love you so much it hurts. You give me a purpose to get out of bed in the morning. Everything that I thought I hated in life is beautiful when you're around. I have finally discovered the meaning of real love and it doesn't scare me like it would have before. You're my best friend and I trust you completely with all my heart. It only makes me want to prove to you that I am capable of loving you back, wholeheartedly. I know I may seem like I don't have a romantic bone in my body, but really, all I want to do is forever take your breath away. I just can't believe you're giving me the chance to. I don't know what I did to deserve it, but I promise to love you faithfully and without reservation until I physically can't anymore."_

_Spencer was glad for the shirt around her eyes, as her tears were now flowing and she knew Ashley would only be embarrassed by her own inadvertent outburst of feelings. Ashley wasn't a girl of many romantic moments, but when she had them, she sure had them. Her hand was still tightly gripping Ashley's as it began to tremble a bit from the overwhelming feeling of love which she had for the brunette._

_"Are you okay?" Ashley asked as she was completely unaware of the impact that her words. She hadn't meant them to be romantic or sweet. She was only being honest about the way she felt and was completely oblivious to the effect which they had had on the woman beside her._

_"Ash," Spencer stated softly. "I think you just wrote your vows."_

_With that last word, she gently pulled Ashley's lips to meet her own and without hesitation, Ashley moved to lie on top of Spencer, kissing her with all of the life in her body. They softly came to lie together on the floor of the hotel room, hands roaming and lips crashing._

_"You know what's funny?" Spencer asked once they broke apart for air, her hands tangled behind Ashley's neck._

_"What's that?"_

_"All of my life I've prided myself on being an individual. You know? Independent. One who perished the thought of taking someone else's name when I was to get married. But now, I can't wait to change my name. I'm thrilled to be Mrs. Spencer Davies. It's just weird how love can change people so much," as she finished speaking, she pulled the blindfold from Ashley's eyes and the shirt from her own, leaving them to stare intently into one another's eyes. "I will never again love someone like I love you, Ashley Davies. You have my heart. Please know that."_

_Ashley's mouth turned upward slightly into a crooked smile as she fought herself to keep from ravaging the woman before her. "I Know."_

* * *

><p>As Ashley ventured back to reality from her trip down memory lane, she closed her eyes as if to savor it and hold on to the feeling of being that much in love with someone. Who could have guessed that the marriage they had established on the following day in front of all of their family and friends would have ended in the way that it had?<p>

She allowed a single tear to escape as she shakily placed the photo back into the box of memories. With a heavy sigh, she fingered the wedding band once more, taking in the appearance for possibly the last time as she wasn't sure that she would ever have the courage to rummage through this heartbreaking box again. The sparkle of the sapphires transmitted the light rays and connected with her sad eyes. Blue was now definitely her least favorite color.

With a flick of the wrist, she discarded the ring within the box and replaced the lid. She quickly shoved the box as far underneath the massive king sized bed as she possibly could. She needed to forget about that box and fast. That part of her life was over and there would be no good to come from reliving it over and over, making herself sick from regret and pain. She closed her eyes and sighed as she came to stand on her feet, once more attempting to maintain her resolve. After holding the breath for a bit, she allowed herself to exhale and upon opening her eyes, she turned and exited the vast emptiness of the bedroom.

As she came to sit again on the soft couch in her living room, her thoughts began to drift back to the box hidden under her bed. She wanted so badly to open it and stare at that beautiful face for hours and hours. If she allowed herself, she could die of heartbreak while looking at pictures of the two of them together and happy. This, however, was not an option. She desperately needed something, anything to keep her mind off of the box and her past.

"I can't be alone here," she muttered frustratingly to herself. "What the fuck am I supposed to do? How the hell do you get over the love of your life?" She questioned herself and searched through her mind for any sort of practical remedy for her broken heart. She couldn't sit here alone with her thoughts. She would end up killing herself sooner or later.

She glanced around the expanse of the room for any sort of distraction. It was a Saturday night after all; surely there was something she could do. Clubbing? No, that would lead to drinking which was no good. Call up buddies and hang out? No, Aiden and Matt were both married and that would only cause her to feel even worse. Scrabble? No one to play with… Wait a minute…

Her eyes suddenly landed on a piece of paper which had fallen to the floor somehow. Leaning over, she was able to retrieve the card without having to get up off of the couch. Her eyes scanned the name on the card as her frown formed. Could she really do that?

_"Something simple. No strings attached."_

Kyla's words were ringing in her ear. Could she really engage in sex without emotional entanglements?

"Oh gosh," she grimaced to herself. "I shouldn't even go there… however, I am now talking to myself and have no life. No... No way. I can think of something else to pass the time by… She was hot…" Her voice trailed off as her mind began an inner battle with itself. She wasn't interested in Sandra and sex for that matter, but she really needed something to take her mind off of everything. If she couldn't drink and she didn't do drugs, then what else was there?

As her left hand gripped the card, her right hand fished her phone from her jeans pocket. With a deep sigh of uncertainty, Ashley began dialing the numbers which were staring up at her, begging to be dialed. It rang a couple of times before she heard a voice pick up.

"Hello?" the woman replied with a sweet voice, smile obviously present.

"Hello… Hey… Hi…" Ashley stammered out nervously. It had been a while she had called a girl for the first time and she wasn't sure what to say exactly.

"Ashley? Is that you?" Sandra asked with a teasing manner. "You seem speechless."

"Well, I was just calling to see if maybe you wanted to come over… or we could go out for like coffee or something… anything really," she rambled on aimlessly searching for a good idea. Hell, this whole thing was a bad idea, so how was she to find a good one in it?

"I would love to come over. Would you like me to bring anything?"

"Well I don't drink alcohol, so anything but that," Ashley replied seriously.

"Anything?"

With that statement's possible meanings, Ashley's heart began thumping in her chest. What had she gotten herself into?

"Sure," Ashley said as a smile formed reluctantly on her face as she swallowed the large lump in her throat. What tonight would bring, she wasn't sure; but sitting alone to drown in her thoughts was a far worse fate than what Sandra could offer.


	8. We Can Both Share the Dark

**Chapter Eight**

Tick... Tock... Tick... Tock...

Drip... Drip... Drip...

Creak… Crack…

She was wide awake, for the unfamiliar noises invading her senses would not allow her to fall into a peaceful slumber. Her eyes had long since memorized every detail of the vapid white ceiling above her as she lie in bed with her hand positioned under the back of her head, the covers rising and falling with each breath she took. Her mind was on fire with thoughts swirling around inside trying desperately to consume her.

As she clenched her jaw, her foot began a rhythmic tapping motion as she thought back on recent events, glancing over at the cream colored curtains hanging perfectly over the large bay window, swaying gently as a cool breeze blew in. Though it was December, the night was warmer than usual and the cool breeze was surprisingly comforting to her. If only the heaviness of her life hadn't been pushing down upon her in that moment, suffocating the very breath from her lungs, she would have had no problem falling into a peaceful sleep; much like the brunette tangled in satin sheets beside her.

It had been a week since she had called Sandra and extended an invitation of … what? She wasn't entirely sure of what she had wanted at the time, only knowing for certain that being alone to wallow in self-pity wasn't it. Loneliness would have only served to strangle the life out of her, choking her until there would be nothing left at all. Nothing left to fight for. Still, as she lied there tapping her foot nervously against the mattress and staring at nothing in particular, she couldn't come up with a logical explanation for the phone call. What was she looking for in the woman beside her?

A friend to talk to…

A companion to hug…

A warm body to claim as a lover…

She had made the call without formulating a suitable plan, setting into motion the several other calls that she would make nightly for the week to come. The first night had, by far, been the most uncomfortable; but by the next night, she had suggested moving their nightly trysts to Sandra's apartment indefinitely. It had been quite simple after that, much like Kyla had said it could be; and Ashley was glad of it. Sandra was someone who she felt at ease around, if only for the simple fact that she wanted nothing more than what the singer had to offer. As just a way to take her mind off of all that her life had become, she took solace in the fact that she could end it whenever she wanted and no one would get hurt. It was easy. Cut and dry.

No worries.

No expectations.

No commitment.

That was the big upside to this whole thing. Ashley would never have to commit to the woman and Sandra had made it very clear that she was fine with that. Commitment was something that Ashley knew in heart she wouldn't for a while, if at all, attempt again. It had been her mantra before Spencer to keep it simple and not commit to anyone; and it would be her mantra now because women are only human and humans cannot be trusted with something as precious and fragile as a heart.

She surmised that her commitment issues stemmed from deep within the annals of her childhood, perhaps around the time of her father leaving both her and her mom when she was awfully young. He had taught her to play guitar and she took pride in the fact that she was good at it, just like her daddy. He was the person that comforted her when she fell down and scraped her knees. He was the person that she felt the most alive around as they laughed and played games. He was the person that she waited for by the door whenever he left for work. Then one day, he left for work and would never return. A young heart had been shattered and her hero, the one person she looked up to and wanted so much to be like, had abandoned without so much as a second thought. That was one of the hardest day of her life and it took years for her to understand why he had done what did; and only recently was she able to comprehend completely. Love sucks. Plain and simple.

Spencer had been the exception to the rule and Ashley felt that it would somehow lessen the significance of their relationship if she so willingly entered into another. Instead, she had decided in the minutes before Sandra had arrived that first night to keep it casual. She would lay out all of her cards and be up front about her intentions the moment the woman reached her doorstep.

No confusion.

Much to her surprise, Sandra had been perfectly fine with it, more than in fact. It was just sex and someone to talk to. That was all it would ever be.

Her shaded eyes glanced up to the clock as the ticks and tocks became so loud that she was forced out of her thoughts. Even with squinting, it was too dark to see just what time was displayed; and she figured that it must be no later than three or four in the morning. She could smell the mustiness in the air, allowing her to make the educated guess that the nighttime dew had long since fallen. She averted her gaze from the clock to take in the figure next to her. Sandra's face was obscured by long, flowing brunette hair as she lay face down in the pillows; her long expanse of toned back exposed as the covers wrapped loosely around her waist. She was extraordinarily beautiful to a mind-numbing degree and anyone would be more than lucky to be with her, present company included; but as Ashley's eyes roamed over the figure, she had never felt further away from someone. The few inches separating them felt much more akin to miles and she was glad for it. She needed the separation, the disconnectedness.

Any minute now, she needed to be able to leave without feeling the dreadful waves of guilt washing over her or, worse yet… without wanting to stay.

Each night, she had felt more and more comfortable, her hesitations easing the slightest as she had managed to stay a little bit longer afterward than she had the previous night, making this night the longest she had stayed in bed with the woman; the longest she had stayed in bed with anyone that was not her wife. The reality of it all immediately plagued her and she felt her heart heave, growing heavy the tiniest bit, causing a hint of that guilt to weave its way into her conscience.

Sighing, she mentally shrugged it off and closed her eyes as if trying to put her mind at ease with there being nothing to feel guilty about. She knew what she was doing and they were both consenting adults. Sure, Spencer would be less than thrilled about her actions; but it's not like they were married anymore. What she did now should in no way affect her ex-wife. They were exes and exes have no holds over each other anymore. Yet, she still felt it, the guilt. It was maddening to say the least, swarming her from all corners and pinning to the wall, leaving her nowhere to run. Her eyes clenched shut even tighter as her breathing became faster. She would not allow the guilt to manifest itself and take hold. It had no place in her life anymore and it would not rise to the surface; of that, she was determined.

As if on cue, Sandra stirred slightly in her sleep, the covers tugging gently as she turned over onto her back. Ashley was brought from her thoughts once more as she felt the bed dip a little as the sleeping form inched its way closer to her. A small sigh of contentment escaped two very full lips as the hair that had previously masked the woman moved out from her face. All too suddenly, Ashley felt a warm arm stretch out and snake its way across her stomach, burning her skin as she froze to the bed, lying on her back. Her eyes shot open as her heart began to pound in her ears. The soft touch had seemingly lit her nerves ablaze with a fire that made her skin crawl in disdain. It felt so uncomfortable for her; and it was so foreign that it was almost invasive.

All at once, the guilt had flooded her senses and she was desperately trying to form an escape plan in her mind. They'd had sex, sure; but to Ashley, that was not as intimate an act as cuddling and sleeping together… as waking up together in the morning, tangled up in the covers. She could not be this intimate with someone again, and so soon. Perhaps that was the reason for the sleeplessness that she had been experiencing for the past few hours, the reason she could never spend the night.

She inhaled deeply and methodically began to disentangle herself from the strangling mess of sheets and the warm body, her hand slowly removing the slender arm and laying it softly on the mattress beside her, careful not to wake her. As she inched her way to the edge of the bed, she held her breath and prayed to the gods that Sandra would not awaken. In no mood to deal with anyone at that moment, she only wanted the chance retreat to her own apartment and be alone.

Her bare foot moved to connect with the smooth hard wood floor; and just as she began to lift her body from the bed, she heard a stirring yawn come from behind her. Wincing immediately, her face scrunched as she inhaled a gasp through clenched teeth. She froze to the spot, hoping that the woman had not awoken, for that would make her undetected getaway damn near impossible. Waiting a few moments to be sure that the she would stay asleep, she then preceded to swing her other leg around to slowly meet the other one on the floor; and as she silently stood up, it was no use, Sandra had opened her eyes and was able to make out the contours of a naked female figure standing beside her bed.

Ashley was oblivious to the fact that Sandra was now awake as she bent over to retrieve her crumpled jeans from the floor. She fumbled aimlessly in search of the front, pulling the legs right side out. Once she was sure that she had them adjusted correctly, she bent over slightly and began to pull the up, not worrying about putting her underwear on first. She needed to leave now and she was not sure where her panties had been flung. She paused at her knees when she heard a smirking murmur.

"Love the view," Sandra teased, though still groggy, as she turned over on her back.

Ashley's eyes shut as she mentally cursed herself for waking the woman behind her. How was she to escape easily now? She continued to pull her jeans up and over her hips, quickly zipping them up and not bothering to do so quietly.

"Going somewhere?" Sandra asked with intrigue as she sat up and pulled the sheets up and over her breasts, her knees coming up to meet her chest.

"Home," Ashley stated softly, yet indifferently as she squinted her eyes in search of her shirt. She wasn't quite sure where that had been discarded either. It would have made things too easy for her had she undressed herself beside the bed and folded her clothes nice and neatly.

"On the dresser," Sandra pointed as she smiled at Ashley's behavior. Intrigue igniting behind her eyes as she thought of how the singer was so adorable when she was nervous.

Ashley forced a small obligatory smile to her lips as she replied, "Thanks." She then approached the dresser and found her green top dangling loosely off the edge. She quickly grabbed her shirt and pulled it over her head, sans bra. "I'm sorry, but I do need to go," she apologized without making eye contact as she turned around to face Sandra, still tangled in the mess of sheets on the bed.

"Ashley, it's three in the morning," she stated matter of factly. "You don't have leave."

"Yes I do," Ashley replied sternly, her gaze cutting through the darkness and meeting the woman's.

"Am I ever going to get you to stay that night?" Sandra asked with a smile, her question not entirely serious but asked more out of friendliness than anything.

"Probably not," Ashley replied before grimacing at the iciness in her own voice. "I'm sorry. I'm just not comfortable with it."

"It's okay really. I just wanted you to know that you could stay if you needed to. It is late, you know," Sandra said with a sexy smile as she stood up to meet Ashley, the sheet wrapped around her curvy form.

"Yeah," Ashley breathed out as she watched Sandra's hand sensuously trail its way up her own arm. "That's why I need to go." She hesitated briefly before turning on her heels and making her way for the door.

"Your shoes are by the front door," Sandra said sadly as she watched the singer retreat. She was worried for the woman; and even though they had agreed to keep it simple, she had hoped that she could somehow earn her trust and get her to open up. Each night had felt like that moment was drawing closer and closer; but then something inconspicuous would cause Ashley to shut down and leave. She inhaled softly before moving to follow Ashley into the living room.

Ashley had recovered her haphazardly discarded boots from the tiled entryway and was now sitting on the couch pulling them up her legs. She averted her gaze up as she noticed Sandra's feet in front of her, feeling the woman's stare as she paused from dressing her feet. The silence had suddenly become much too uncomfortable as Ashley searched her mind for anything she could say to break it.

"Umm…" She began nervously, unsure of herself as she focused on her boots. "I'm playing a show next week. You should come." She wasn't entirely sure that she wanted to invite her, but something had made her feel obligated, perhaps that is the effect of sexual relations… obligation. She finished with her boots and quickly stood, keeping her eyes away from the face in front of her. It occurred to her how weird it was in that moment, the awkwardness. She had seen every inch of the woman and yet, it felt inappropriate to look at her just then.

"You don't seem so sure of yourself," Sandra teased with a crooked smile, bringing a hand up to lightly lift Ashley's gaze to her own.

Ashley suddenly felt her confidence return, if only the tiniest bit. "Don't be ridiculous. I would like you to come," she said with a smile as she fought to regain her cool, her eyes meeting Sandra's. "It's my last one in LA for a while."

"Well thank you," she replied as she kissed Ashley softly on the cheek.

"You can bring someone if you like," Ashley continued as she abruptly pulled away from Sandra's kiss. "I'll have two tickets set aside for you at the box office."

"And who am I supposed to bring?" She asked with a hint of sarcasm in her voice, smiling as she noticed Ashley's eyebrows scrunch, testing the singer in front of her.

"Bring a friend, bring a date, bring whoever you want," Ashley shrugged as she made her way for the door, grabbing her jacket as she went. "Show starts at nine on Friday."

"Does this mean I won't see you again until then?"

"I don't know," Ashley said frankly as she opened the front door, pulling her jacket on. "I might give you a call sometime." She turned around and forced a smile to her face as she looked at Sandra from out in the hallway. "Good night Sandra," she said casually before turning and walking away.

"Goodnight Ashley," Sandra said with a smile as she closed the door between them.

Once the door was closed, she leaned heavily against it, processing the invitation as well as her odd behavior. Ashley was always so closed off; and no matter how hard Sandra tried, she would not open up to her. It was always just great sex and then she would leave before the morning light. The musician was playing hard to get and seemed to pose a bit of a challenge; but if there was one thing Sandra was good at besides selling houses, it was winning people over. She would make it her goal to gain Ashley's trust, if only as a friend.

* * *

><p><em>A child like giggle reverberated throughout the halls as she searched frantically for its source, running down the corridor as her eyes scanned every hall that was branching off the main pathway. With each giggle, her head would snap in a different direction as it would sound as though it were coming from a place in the opposite direction of the previous one. Her whole body was alive with fear and anticipation as the search ensued.<em>

_"Hahaha," a tiny voice boomed from somewhere else, somewhere unknown._

_Her head snapped in the direction of the most recent laugh. She knew that laugh well enough that her heart began to pound heavily in her ears. Where was the little girl? How could she ever find her in the house of mazes and winding halls?_

_"Mommy…" the little girl's voice teased as she chuckled once more; this time sounding as though she were standing right behind her._

_As she turned on her heels bracing herself for the inevitable sight, she witnessed the small head of golden locks disappear through another doorway._

_"This way, Mommy…" the voice beckoned, urging her forward._

_She had no choice but to follow and blindly so, as there was no telling what madness would await her down the new hallway. It seemed much more narrow and darker than the last, the only sliver of light reflecting from the blonde locks in the distant in front of her. She ran faster and faster, her toes carrying her effortlessly as she raced after her daughter. It seemed that the faster she ran was all in vain because her daughter would be that much further away._

_"Wait!" She exclaimed out in desperation with wide eyes, sweat dripping from her brow as it saturated her entire face. "I can't keep up with you. Wait for Mommy." Her breathing was ragged now as each word passed through her lips in an airy tone._

_"Come on Mommy, we're almost there," the girl replied playfully as she led her down the hall, her white flowing dress bouncing wildly with each step._

_Her pace quickened as she desperately tried to catch the small girl, her arms racing at her sides as they urged her faster and faster on her legs. It had been so long since she had seen the beautiful face of her only child and that alone was enough to keep her running forever._

_All at once the walls seemingly faded away until there was nothing but a bright light; and as they came to a stop, the little girl turned abruptly to face her mother, eyes void of any emotion. The childlike innocence seemed lost to her._

_A gasp escaped her lips as she took in the pale complexion of the small child, the lifelessness that she felt causing her heart to shudder in fear._

_"Do you know where we are Mommy?" The little girl asked as she pointed around the room, her curly hair flowing with her movements. "Do you see through that window?"_

_It was then that she noticed that they were in a vacant white room with a large window lining the far wall. Hers eyes came to peer through the window as she hesitantly took steps towards to get a better view. A gasp escaped her throat as her nerves fired off chills that scattered throughout her body. There, in a similar white room lay her beloved, lifeless on a hospital bed with IVs attached at the wrists._

_"Ashley?" she whispered as she ran to the window, extending her hand up to lightly caress the glass. "No."_

_"Do you know what's wrong with Momma?" The child asked with tears in her eyes. "Will she die?"_

_Tears flooded Spencer's eyes as she shook her head in determination, praying against everything that Ashley would make it through. "No, honey, Momma is not going to die."_

_An eerie smile graced the little girl's face as she looked up at Spencer, her eyes alight with morbid fascination. "Yes, she will… She's supposed to. It was supposed to be her and this time it will be..."_

_Spencer felt her heart stop cold at the evil smirk on her daughter's once happy face, swallowing the knot that tied itself deep in her throat. Shaking her head as sobs tormented her body, she urgently replied, "No! How can you say that? She loves you so much. None of this was ever supposed to happen…"_

_"You wish it had been her, Mommy…" The girl's eyes darkened as her hands rose up to reach for Spencer, her body inching its way closer and closer, each step causing Spencer's heart to pound in her ears louder and louder. "Don't you?"_

_"No! Never," Spencer cried out as tears ran down her cold cheeks. The temperature had dropped significantly as the tension mounted, her fears encompassing her as she violently choked out, "You're not my daughter!"_

_"Yes Mommy… I am," the girl said menacingly as she stepped closer. "I'm the daughter you let her kill."_

_"No!" she shook her head violently, her hands shaking uncontrollably at her sides. "She didn't kill you… It was an accident…"_

_"You don't really believe that do you Mommy?"_

_"You're not my daughter!" She yelled through clenched teeth, her body shaking horribly as her blood ran cold. A silence fell around them as the pale hint of foreboding settled itself in Spencer's conscious. She could feel the air change and immediately knew that something was upon her, something terrible._

_The girl stopped in her tracks as her expression changed to one of unending anger. A loud beeping sound penetrated the silence as the light in the adjacent room where Ashley lie flashed red, in time with the beeps of her heart monitor._

_Spencer realized suddenly what was happening. "No!" She exclaimed as she ran past the child and began pounding her fists against the glass. "Ashley! Ashley… NO!" Her sobbing grew exponentially as her hands became quite shaky, yet never once relented their attack on the glass. "No…." She watched through the glass window as Ashley convulsed in the bed, having a violent seizure; and there wasn't a thing Spencer could do to stop it._

_"You can't save her…" The girl said stubbornly, her voice echoing darkly. "No one can."_

_Spencer watched in horror as blood began pouring from Ashley's body, splattering all over the white room with each convulsion. "NOO!" She cried out in gut-wrenching pain as she fell to the floor, clenching her stomach in agony. "Ashley! Noo…"_

"NOO!" She screamed as she sat up in bed, breaking herself from her nightmare. Sweat was dripping from every pore as her hair clung to her face like a magnet. "Ashley!" She cried out as her eyes adjusted to her surroundings.

It was then that she realized she was in her old bedroom and that it had only been a dream. God, it had felt so real. Her hand came up to rest reassuringly on her chest above her heart as she continued crying for the thought of Ashley dying was something that shook her to her very core. She couldn't imagine her life without Ashley and it had utterly broken her heart to see her love lying there, dying, and there was nothing she could do about it. It had been the most terrifying dream to date, a nightmare in every sense of the word. However, what had disturbed her most weren't the disturbing images she had envisioned, but the fact her subconscious would generate such a horrific scene.

Her breathing slowed as she began to regain her composure, reaching her hands up to rub her face and rid herself of the anxiety of the nightmare. It was then that she realized she had been crying. It had felt so real that she had actually been crying. This came as quite a shock to her as she was never one for bad dreams; but lately they had seemed to just be getting worse and worse. Sighing, she felt relief wash over her as she remembered that her third therapy session was scheduled for later that day.

Glancing at her clock, she noticed that it was around 3:00 AM and there was no way in hell she would be able to return to sleep at all that night. With her hand on her heart, she thanked God and all the stars above that it had only been a dream, a disturbing dream, but a dream nonetheless.

What could it mean? There was no way that she could ever wish for that to have been; Ashley meant the world to her. Her daughter meant the world to her. She could never choose between the two. Never. Half of her heart died the day her daughter did, but the other half would surely perish the day Ashley Davies would. That much, she was sure of.

All at once, she felt the urge to get out of bed and start her day. She was wide awake now, and no amount of lying in bed would lure her back to sleep. The mind was hard thing to trick and hers was racing and in desperate need of a distraction.

Jumping out of bed and throwing her clothes on, she hastily made her way through her parent's house and down the stairs. Once she had stepped into her shoes and pulled a light jacket on, she was making her way through the front yard and towards her car parked on the street. She wasn't sure where she was headed, but she knew she needed to go for a drive to get her mind off of the all-too-real dream.

* * *

><p>She took one last drag on the cigarette butt, letting the smoke fill her lungs completely as her eyes closed to savor the brief feeling of relief, before exhaling and flinging it in the opposite direction of the sacred headstone. Just as she was about to crouch down and press her trembling hand to the cold stone, she heard a voice break through the night air suddenly, breaking her from her comfort zone.<p>

"I didn't know you smoked."

She jumped to a startling stand as her heart began pounding in her chest. Gasping, she turned around to be met with two blue eyes, illuminated by a combination of moonlight and streetlights staring back at her in what she hoped, was not disappointment.

"Spencer!" She breathed out in relief. "You scared the shit out of me," she added with a dramatic hand held to her heart.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think anyone would be here…" She replied with a sad smile as she approached the startled woman. "At this time of night." She added as more of an inquiry. She had been observing Ashley for a while now, arriving presumably not long after the brunette had. It peaked her curiosity as to what she was doing out here at this time and that was her subtle attempt to find out.

She had watched intently as Ashley had walked up and down every path of the cemetery, making it a point to specifically avoid the path on which their daughter's plot lied. It had intrigued Spencer to gaze upon Ashley so candidly as she wondered what on Earth had brought them both here at the same moment on the same night, and in the same sort of unsettled state.

She curiously watched as Ashley had uncharacteristically lit a cigarette and took drag after drag, letting the smoke set in her lungs for more time than was necessary before exhaling and closing her eyes. If Spencer didn't know any better, she would think that Ashley was accustomed to smoking and that the act alone caused a calm stillness within her.

Approaching the now much less startled Ashley, she again voiced her curiosities. "Since when do you smoke?"

"I don't really," Ashley defended as she turned away from the blonde in embarrassment at being caught with her hand in the proverbial cookie jar. "Sometimes when I'm feeling a bit…" She paused as she wasn't sure whether to reveal her secrets or to lie. "Unsettled, I come out here and have one or two." She noticed the expression on Spencer's face change to one of hurt as she surmised her ex-wife must be thinking that she did this quite often when they were married and she had no idea.

"Don't worry; it's been a recent development." She ended with a small forced smile before the uncomfortable knot in her stomach grew. How was she supposed to talk to Spencer when she had just come from doing what she had done with Sandra? They weren't married, but it still felt like she had done something wrong.

"Oh," Spencer nodded as she shifted uncomfortably beside Ashley, gazing down upon their daughter's grave. "Well we all have things we do to ease our minds."

"It's honestly not something I do often at all," Ashley reprimanded as she looked at Spencer intently, taking in the disheveled appearance and the puffy cheeks. She knew this state of appearances like the back of her hand. Spencer had been crying no doubt and Ashley wanted to know why.

"You don't have to defend yourself to me, Ashley," Spencer said softly with sincerity. "I don't think any less of you."

"Well I know how you feel about smoking," she replied distractedly, her eyes still deciphering the state in which her love was in; the tousled blonde hair hung loosely in a bun, her disheveled sweat pants and t-shirt signifying she had woken up not long ago, her eyes looking a mix of tired and sad. "Are you okay? You like you've had a rough night."

"Actually," Spencer began before she paused. She wasn't entirely sure of whether or not to confess her nightmares to Ashley. There was a time when she could bare her soul to the woman beside her and not feel an ounce of fear. Somehow though, in this moment, she was quite terrified. Would Ashley even care to hear about her troubles? She had certainly given Ashley enough of her own so why should she be bothered with hers too. "I just needed to go for a drive, clear my head. I ended up here for some reason."

"At three AM?" Ashley asked with a raised eyebrow.

She wasn't sure whether it was the soft, caring tone in which she spoke, or the heartwarmingly way she lifted her eyebrow; but her defenses seemingly collapsed as she softly admitted, "I had a bad dream and I couldn't go back to sleep." It was the easiest thing in the world to open up to Ashley and if she didn't stop herself, she would reveal too much.

"Oh," she nodded as she inwardly applauded herself for guessing that it was either a bad dream or a fight with Jessie. Too bad it wasn't the fight... "Do you want to talk about it? I'm no counselor, but…"

"How are you okay with me? With all of this?" Spencer blurted out, seemingly from left field.

Ashley's eyes scrunched in confusion. "What do mean?"

"It's only been just under two weeks Ash, and you're just fine with talking to me and hearing about my problems," Spencer was surprising even herself at that moment. "I mean shouldn't you be angry with me? For leaving you?"

"Do you want me to be angry with you?" Ashley asked, her voice still neutral.

"I just don't understand," she replied with a small shake of her head. "That's all."

"I guess I am angry," Ashley confessed softly, a sharp intake of breath entered her lungs as she paused to understand it even herself. "But not with you. You did what you needed to, I guess, to be happy. We were together for a long time and that wouldn't have lasted like it did without our friendship. No amount of divorces or remarriages could ever make me care about you any less than I do… than I always will."

Spencer exhaled a shaky breath as tears blurred her vision. "I'm just so sorry that I hurt you the way I did... that everything ended up like this."

"We both did our share of hurting each other," Ashley softly rebutted as her hand came to rest gently on Spencer's shoulder. "Don't think I've forgotten how much I hurt you too. If you ask me, it was time that the hurting ended."

"You're much more understanding than I'll ever be," Spencer joked as she wiped her eyes with a smile.

"Well therapy goes a long way for some," Ashley replied with a smile. "Don't get me wrong Spence, I went through a tough period, just after you asked for a divorce, of banging my head against a wall. Then one day I just woke and realized that I could either torment myself from it or I could learn from it. I can deal with not being the one for you. I'm not happy about it, but I can accept it." She glanced down sadly as she spoke the last bit.

_You are the one. God, if you only knew._ Spencer thought silently to herself. It was in moments like these, where it was just the two of them and Ashley would say something so admirable, that Spencer knew without a doubt that she was completely in love with Ashley and always would be. What was that song? White Flag?

_I will go down with this ship... I'm in love and always will be._

"So, do you want to talk about it?" Ashley asked once more, breaking her from her thoughts. "I'm all ears." She smiled sincerely and that made Spencer's heart melt, if only the slightest.

"Actually, not really. I have my own therapy session later and I think I'll save that for then," Spencer shyly confessed as she looked away from Ashley. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest as she waited for any reaction to the news that she was attending therapy now as well. She had never felt so open for judgment as she did in that moment and it frightened her.

"Good for you," Ashley applauded Spencer's bravery to take that step and work through her problems, even though it hurt her the tiniest bit that she didn't want to open up to her about her dream. "It takes courage to admit that you need help."

"Well I do need to put the past behind me…" She paused as she realized the heaviness of her statement. She could sense the fear of the possible meanings her words held masked behind a forced smile on Ashley's face. "You know, everything that happened with Emery."

Saying her name alone was enough to send them both into downcast glances of regret and pain. They both immediately turned their focus to the headstone of the small girl, reading the now memorized engravings. It had been a long time since they had come here together and neither was sure how they both ended up simultaneously deciding to visit the grave plot on the same night; but they each were so very thankful.

_Emery Elizabeth Davies  
>July 10th, 2012- September 7th, 2016<br>Cherished, Loved, and Never Forgotten_

"I'm really glad that you were here Ashley," Spencer said softly through tears as her breath caught in her throat. "I miss her so much."

Ashley's heart sank at the pain that was heard in each word Spencer had muttered and she turned without hesitation, taking her in her arms and pulling her into a strong and comforting embrace. She could feel Spencer's arms snake around her back and grip her tightly as tears soaked through her jacket. Her hand slowly made its way up her back and came to rest on the back of her head, gently caressing blonde hair as she closed her eyes and allowed herself to cry as well.

"Me too," she whispered back as they stood, cemented in their embrace for uncounted minutes, neither wanting to move or say anything else, just relishing in the other's warmth. She felt Spencer's own hand mirror her previous action and soon they stood, griping each other with their hands on the backs of the other's head clutched lovingly.


	9. The Bricks Laid Between Us

**Chapter Nine_  
><em>**

_"When are you coming home?" She asked flatly into her cell phone with her hand gripping the device tightly, forcing back the impending tears that she was sure would eventually make their way to the surface. She had spent the better part of three weeks crying her heart out alone and hoping against all hope that Ashley would just come home so they could finally deal with this together and get through it all somehow. She was done crying. For now at least, she just needed to be strong and stand her ground._

_Instead of dealing properly, it seemed that Ashley would much rather burry herself in a never ending tour and forget about all of the pain and problems awaiting her at home; forget about her wife. This hurt Spencer immensely because Ashley was not the only one in pain. She, herself, was hurting more than words could verbalize right now and it had felt like Ashley, the one person who's supposed to be there for her through thick and thin, was just completely checking out of her responsibility and abandoning the one she had promised to love forever._

_Shortly after their daughter had died, Ashley had hastily agreed to do an Asian/European tour. She had desperately needed anything to take her mind off of all of the things that were weighing her down, suffocating her beyond belief. It was to be a 34 date tour that spanned the course of two months, several venues booked for more than one night. It had been just what the doctor had ordered in Ashley's eyes. How would she have time to think about what happened if she barely had time to sleep? She could get lost in the rush of performing and all of the preparation of shows, moving from city to city. It was also the first tour that she had neglected to bring Spencer along, driving a vast wedge between them._

_"I told you before Spencer," she replied a bit coldly. "I can't just leave and come home whenever I want. I'm in Madrid for crying out loud." She had regretted the tone in her voice and the choice of words the minute they had left her lips. Her eyes closed in regret as she grimaced at herself and momentarily held the phone away from her ear, touching it to her forehead. She begged silently against logic for Spencer to somehow miss hearing the words._

_"And what about what I want?" Spencer asked with an equally icy tone. She could feel her heart pounding in her ears, her nerves shaking the life within her._

_"Spencer," Ashley sighed as she closed her eyes. "This isn't even about you, okay. I need time away from everything. Why can't you understand that?"_

_"God, do you even care anymore how I feel; or is it all about how much you're hurting right now? Newsflash Ashley: I'm your wife. We are a pair. What you do directly affects me too. How are we supposed to get through any of this if we don't do it together?" She managed to force out all of her anger in a series of questions, the answers obvious to her but not so much to her love._

_"Look I can't talk right now," Ashley lied as she desperately searched for any excuse to hang up the call, her eyes shut as she inwardly cursed herself for the way she was treating her hurting wife. "I'll call you when I'm not so busy."_

_"That's bullshit," Spencer snapped, shaking her head as tears escaped. She knew Ashley was lying and trying to avoid her. "I know your schedule, Ashley. I also know that you're on a four day break right now." When she noticed silence on the other end, she added with sarcasm. "What? You don't think I pay attention to what my wife is doing or where she's at?"_

_"Spencer, just stop okay," Ashley said, her voice rising in frustration. "I don't have to explain myself to you."_

_"Yeah Ash, you kind of do," she cried out in anger. She was completely flabbergasted at the way Ashley was handling everything. "That's what happens when you agree to share a life with someone. You don't just jet off into the sunset and leave them to deal with the aftermath alone."_

_"That's not what this is," Ashley defended softly as she came to sit on the couch in her tour bus._

_"Then please explain because that's what it feels like," Spencer suggested flatly as she held her hand to her forehead, gently rubbing in hopes of alleviating the headache that was quickly forming. "Our daughter dies and you leave me here to cope by myself, all alone; and you go on a tour that you didn't even need to go on… and, might I add, you don't even take me with you... for the first time."_

_"You're being ridiculous," Ashley shook her head in disbelief. "I asked you if you wanted to come with me and you said no…"_

_"I said no," she yelled out, abruptly cutting off any further statement from the brunette's mouth. "Because I didn't think that we should just run off like that after everything that happened. I wanted us to deal with it all together, not find a distraction. And you only asked me to come after I begged you not to go in the first place."_

_"Well some of us need distractions," Ashley replied firmly, still not quite understanding why she was acting the way she was towards Spencer. "I'm not you Spencer. I wasn't about to just sit around and see the look in your eyes that I knew would be waiting for me every single day; hearing you cry yourself to sleep at night. It's just too much… and I know I'm the one to blame."_

_"That's what happens when you go through what we have," she said slowly, emphasizing each word perfectly so there would be no reason for Ashley to misunderstand. "You can't just check out and come back later to have it all be forgotten."_

_"I'm not checking out," Ashley insisted sharply. "I'm just taking time and giving you time too."_

_"I don't need time Ash," she shook her head exasperatedly. Why couldn't Ashley just understand? "All of the time in the world will not erase the pain I feel. I just need you here to help me ease the pain and remember I have something to get up in the morning for."_

_"I can't bare the look on your face when you're thinking about her," Ashley admitted softly before allowing tears to grace her cheeks. Spencer's eyes held so much inside them; they were haunting mirror images to that of her fallen daughter. "It breaks my heart."_

_"So what? You're just going to stay gone for as long as possible…Out of sight; out of mind? How does that help at all?" She asked with tears streaming freely down her face. "What do you think will happen when you get back? Do you think everything will suddenly be fine and I'll forget how you just abandoned me so easily?"_

_"I don't expect that, no," Ashley replied with her own tears silently falling, a reaction to hearing Spencer cry. She knew that she was hurting her wife, but she didn't know what else she could do. "I just need time. Please. I don't know what else to do."_

_Spencer's heart softened slightly at hearing the quiet desperation in Ashley's voice. "And I need you," she pleaded, hoping to jolt the brunette back to reality. "Please just come home. I can't get through this alone, Ashley." She sobbed as she brought her hand up in an attempt to muffle the phone so that Ashley wouldn't be able to hear her cry. Her heart was breaking in two and it seemed like there was nothing that could be done to persuade her wife to return home._

_Ashley sighed deeply as she closed her eyes, attempting to maintain her resolve and not give in. It felt much too soon to return to the heavy burdens of which she would be forced to bear the weight of. Her heart only grew heavy as she knew that what she was about to say could quite possibly have immeasurable consequences, but she needed to take the risk. Hopefully in the long run, Spencer would understand. _

_"I'm sorry," she breathed out barely above a whisper through tears. "But I can't just leave in the middle of a tour. The dates are already sold out for the most part."_

_Spencer's heart wrenched the moment Ashley's words met her ears; and her sobs came out much louder than before, echoing their way through the receiver and to the other side of the world. This time, however, she hadn't bothered to hide them from Ashley. Maybe Ashley needed to hear them to know just how much she was hurting her by not coming back. _

_"Then reschedule them Ashley."_

_"Spencer…"_

_"No, you know what," she interrupted Ashley before she had the misfortune to hear her next lame excuse. She was growing quite sick of it. "Don't come home. Stay gone for as long as you like. Just don't expect me to sit around here waiting for you to decide that you're finally ready to deal with it all."_

_"And what does that mean?" Ashley asked as her heart pounded in her chest, threatening to break through at any minute and strangle the life out of her. "You are going to leave me?"_

_Spencer hesitated for a moment. She wasn't quite sure what to answer back. She had merely said what she had to hopefully give Ashley a kick in the right direction, that being America and more specifically Los Angeles. She wasn't serious about not waiting around; waiting would be all that she could do. _

_"No Ash, I just can't sit here in this house alone like this. It's like you don't even care that you left me here when we need each other more than we ever have."_

_"I do care," Ashley defended as she gripped the bridge of her nose tightly, allowing the pinch to penetrate the pain momentarily. She sighed heavily as she searched for a way to make her wife understand. "I just have to do this tour."_

_"Why?" Spencer asked with determination. "What is it helping? At the end of the show, when you're lying in your bunk, do you honestly feel better?"_

_"No, I don't," she answered softly before quickly adding, "But when I'm up on stage, I do. I need that right now, even if it doesn't last long after the curtains close. Please understand."_

_"And I'll ask you again Ashley," she began with a bitter use of her whole name. Ashley cringed as she heard the way in which the name rolled off of Spencer's tongue, such disdain and anger. "What about what I need?"_

_"You have friends Spencer," Ashley replied with regret as she knew what this conversation was about to amount to. She kicked the heel of her foot against the floor as she reluctantly added. "You have your mom and your dad. Why isn't that enough for you right now?"_

_"Are you kidding me?" Spencer was past crying; she had completely moved on to disbelieving anger. "How can you even ask me that? God Ashley, I married you for a reason. Right now, I'm finding it hard to remember that reason, but if memory serves me correctly…" she continued with sarcasm lacing her bitter tone. "It was because no one makes me feel the way you do. No one makes me happier and no one makes me feel as safe and loved."_

_Ashley's heart broke at her wife's torn words as they broke through the barrier of space and time to penetrate her very soul. They were thousands of miles apart and yet it felt as though they were face to face and she could feel the pain radiating off of her wife, soaking into her own skin. How could she say anything to that? What words could she possibly utter that could righteously follow? She swallowed the lump in her throat as she decided in that moment that she hated herself a great deal._

_"You are so ignorant Ashley," she said as tears once again threatened her. It pained her to speak so ill of her love, because no matter how angry she was and how hurt, she still felt awfully for saying them. "If you really believe that they mean more to me than you, then maybe you should stay gone."_

_"Spencer…" Ashley began apologetically before being cut off immediately by more pained words. Nothing could turn this conversation around now. It was much too late for apologies._

_"No," Spencer blurted out as she shook her head. "Finish your damn tour. Please your damn fans. Make yourself feel better. Just don't expect me to be okay with the fact that you chose that over me. Don't expect me to forget that you left here to grieve alone," she finished with a heartbreaking sob as a shaky hand pressed the End button._

_Spencer immediately dropped the phone from her shaky hand as she slid down the wall she had been leaning against. Tears flowed forcefully from her eyes as gut wrenching sobs escaped through her lips and echoed off the walls of the empty mansion. Coming to rest on the floor, she pulled her knees up to her face and tightly formed her body into a ball as she cried her heart out. It seemed that no matter what she said or how much she begged, Ashley was not coming back home any time soon. She had taken the easy way out and ran off instead of staying with Spencer and allowing them to be each other's' strong shoulder; a shoulder that Spencer desperately needed right at that very moment. _

_Not a moment passed in which she wasn't haunted by the memories of their daughter. A beautiful little girl so full of life laughing and carrying on like any happy child would. It was all she could do to get out of bed most days; and it was even harder knowing that she was completely and utterly alone in such a big empty house. Her wife nowhere to speak of and leaving to drown in such a painful time._

* * *

><p>"So, she left you alone right after your daughter died?" Tabitha asked more for reiteration than clarification. Her heart went out to the broken woman in front of her; a woman whom she felt had clearly been deeply hurt by this occurrence.<p>

"Yeah," Spencer breathed out through a sarcastic smile as she fought to regain her composure, dabbing a tissue to the corner of her eyes. "Before she left, I begged her not to go. I said everything I could think of to get her to stay with me. I needed her so much, but it was like she couldn't look at me. It was like she just dismissed me and took off."

"Would you say that you felt betrayed by her actions?" The therapist's soft voice asked as she handed Spencer a clean tissue.

"Thanks," she said as she took the tissue from her outstretched hand. "I just felt abandoned... I don't know. I never thought that she would just leave me like that, especially after what happened. I expected her to be there for me like she had always been. When my brother died, she was amazing. She was there for me every step of the way, not once allowing me to shoulder the all of the grief by myself. She was my anchor," she paused as she thought of an answer to the question posed. "So, yeah, I guess you could say that she betrayed the promises that she made to me; that she would always be there for me."

"Why do you think that she left like she did?" She was curious to hear Spencer voice her conclusions. People tend to form opinions and sometimes they are more biased than they should be. Hopefully Spencer wouldn't feel responsible for Ashley's actions.

"I just think that she didn't know how to deal with it," Spencer replied with a nod of her head, her tears gone by that point leaving her cheeks puffy and her eyes red. "I had never been in her life during a time when she lost someone close to her. I guess I didn't know what to expect from her, the way she would react. Emery was everything to her; the apple of her eye. I think when you lose a child, common sense takes a back seat and your emotions take over. I'm not excusing what she did at all, but in her own way she was doing what she thought she needed to do to hold her own heart together. She just didn't care that she broke my heart in the process."

"Would it be more accurate to say that your unwillingness to forgive her is not so much a result of what she did in allowing the doctor's to take your daughter off of life support, but more a result of how she handled what came after?" Tabitha had been taking notes since their first meeting and on more than one occasion, she had witnessed Spencer speak about the accident and the death of their daughter. It had occurred to her that Spencer had seemed much more upset when talking about how Ashley had left her than what Ashley had done in the way of their daughter.

"I'm not sure that I understand what you mean," Spencer furrowed her brows as she searched for sense amongst the therapist's words.

"I just mean, do you think you're having a hard time forgiving Ashley because she left you and not because of what she did beforehand?"

"I've never really thought of it that way," she shook her head in confusion as she thought back on all of the things that had occurred. "I just know that I haven't forgiven her and I can't figure out why. I wanted so much to be able to and to just put the past behind us." Spencer looked down upon her hands as they softly wrung the tissue out of nervousness, folding and crinkling its tiny corners. "The whole time that she was in rehab, I mentally fought myself for a way to forgive her so that we could move on together. I hadn't intended on leaving her the day I did when I visited; but when I saw the look in her eyes and how much happier she seemed, I just knew that I didn't forgive her. I thought that she shouldn't be happy and I couldn't understand why it made me so angry."

"So seeing her happy at the facility upset you?"

"Yes and no," Spencer replied before explaining her contradiction. "I was glad for her and proud of her for accomplishing what she did in her time there. Yet, at the same time, I felt like she shouldn't be happy because I wasn't. She had taken my chance at being able to share with her the happiness that she was feeling by leaving me like she did. I needed her so much and I just haven't been able to put the pieces of my heart back together since. I was abandoned by the one person that I trusted and thought would never leave me to suffer alone like that. I mean our daughter dies and a week and a half later Ashley's in Sweden."

Nodding her head in understanding, Tabitha flipped back a couple of pages as her eyes scanned through her hand written notes. "Let's back track just a tad. I know we've discussed this previously. When you think back on her decision to allow the doctor's to turn the machines off, what do feel?"

"We had talked with each other for a couple of months about what we should do. I was pretty adamant in that we should hold out and keep praying for a miracle, even after the doctor's gave it a slim to none chance. Ashley was always so torn. She wanted so much to keep fighting and waiting for her to somehow come out of it; but she also keep coming back to the idea of letting her go and ending her suffering. It hurt her so much to see our little girl lying in that bed, dead with a machine pumping life through her. At one point I had agreed that we should take her off. It was decided. We went in one day after calling and informing the doctor of our decision and as we were preparing ourselves for that moment, I changed my mind. I couldn't do it even though I knew we should. Our daughter was gone; the only thing left was her body. Ashley instead forced me out into the hallway and signaled for the doctor to proceed. I don't blame her at all for that. I was on board with it up until the very moment it was supposed to happen."

"But you do blame her for the accident?" She stated more than asked.

"For the longest time I did, but I'm not sure that I still do; which makes no sense to me because if I don't blame her anymore why am I having such a hard time forgiving her?" Spencer questioned with tears once again blurring her vision. They had penetrated their way through strong eyelids before falling down her cheeks. "It's like I look at her and there's something there, something that eats away at me and still hurts so much."

"This is only my opinion, but..." Tabitha paused as she swallowed to continue carefully, as to make sure she chose the right words and tone. "I don't believe the accident or the decision in the hospital is what you're having trouble forgiving. I believe that you have lost your trust in Ashley because of how easily she left you alone in your time of need and how hurt you still are because of it."

Spencer let out a sigh as her mouth hung open slightly, her eyes looking intently at nothing as she thought hard on the woman's words. Was this really the case? Had she lost trust in Ashley? As she thought back to when she was begging Ashley not to go, she realized that it had been different. She had felt differently. There had been a silent, all-encompassing shift that had completely changed everything once Ashley had walked out the door, and even more so when she refused to come back home. Spencer had felt differently after she had left and, until now, she could never fully understand why. Her heart had been broken and her faith in Ashley had been shattered. Any person with even the smallest bit of perception could have figured that out; but when you're in such a state of devastation, she guessed, sometimes you don't always put two and two together.

"And here I thought therapy was a load of crap," she replied sarcastically as tears of relief fell from her eyes. She finally had a feasible answer to what she had previously deemed an irrational feeling. She finally had something to work towards getting over. "I think you might be right. I don't think I trust her now. The way she reacted and behaved was like a completely different person. My Ashley… my wife would've never done that to me."

"Which brings me to my next question," Tabitha stated slowly, allowing Spencer time to adjust to the revelation. "Do you think that your lack of trust, though unrealized at the time, caused you to search for a way out? To pull away so you could reestablish your guard?"

"I don't know," she answered sincerely. "I mean, I still feel like I did it so that she could be happy and not have my unhappiness bringing her down and ultimately setting her back, undoing her therapy."

"Maybe it's a combination of both. You lost your trust in her and you feared that she would notice and it would set her back, like you said."

Spencer nodded her head in agreement as she allowed the realization of it all settle in her mind. "It all feels so crazy. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself or my own actions."

"People do crazy things when they're in love with someone and have been hurt by that person. Trust is an awful thing to lose because once you do, it's a hard thing to gain back; it's almost impossible in some instances. It takes a lot of time and even more effort on both parties."

"So you're saying that in order to forgive Ashley, I have to be able to trust her again..." she asked before pensively adding, "All this to be able to move on?"

"That depends on your idea of moving on," she neutrally stated, maintaining her unbiased approach to her patient. She had her own opinions about the younger woman and her plans to remarry, unfortunately she didn't agree with them at all. Spencer was clearly and would always be in love with Ashley; and Tabitha, for the life of her, couldn't understand why the blonde would agree to marry someone else.

"I just want to be able to go to bed at night and not have Ashley be the last thing I think about and the only thing I dream about," she said determinedly. She may have been stretching it a little on the dream comment, but she had decided against ever sharing her nightmare with anyone. In truth, Ashley was in every dream; but they weren't always good.

"You can't force yourself out of love with someone," Tabitha stated with a shake of her head. "No matter how much we try to protect our hearts, there will always be the chance that it will get hurt again."

"But I can't be with her," she replied quickly, regret laced within every word. "At least with Jessie, I don't have to worry about getting hurt again. I can take solace in the fact that I'm helping someone. She is not in love with me and I am not in love with her. But we do love each other and that's good enough for us. She's my best friend."

Tabitha was still confused on the whole marriage idea. It seemed that every time she asked Spencer about it, the young woman would tense up and avoid the subject. "I guess I'm still quite confused on how this marriage will help either of you, seeing as how you say you aren't in love with each other," she kindly inquired as to not upset the blonde in front of her. "You used it as a way to get Ashley to give up on the two of you, correct?" She waited for Spencer's affirmation before continuing. "But you got the divorce you wanted, so why not call it off?"

"Jessie was there for me through so much while Ashley was away. She had ended up extending the tour another month and venturing off to Australia. I was obviously very unhappy about it, but Jessie was there and I feel like I would have lost myself completely had it not been for her."

"But do you think a marriage based on gratitude is the right thing for anyone?"

"What we discuss remains confidential right?" Spencer asked hesitantly with her heart pounding.

"Absolutely," Tabitha assured her before further stating, "I'm not at liberty to discuss any of what you say with anyone else."

Spencer nodded in understanding and relief before beginning reluctantly, "Well, the situation with Jessie is not completely what it seems. Yes, we want to get married and yes, it does seem ridiculous; but we have our reasons...

* * *

><p><em>She hurried up the front steps of the house, her breath rampant from nervousness. She had received a frantic call not long ago from her best friend, one who was crying and in desperate need. Without a second thought, she dropped her all engagements for the day and rushed directly over to where she knew her friend would be. She didn't bother with knocking, instead pushing the front door open and charging right in. Her eyes immediately began searching the confines of the darkly lit mansion, scanning the living room and then the kitchen.<em>

_A choked sob caught her attention from in the back of the house towards the billiard room. Without hesitation, she scurried off in that direction, not bothering with any lights. As she approached the large room, her heart sank at the scene before her. There, crouched in a corner on the floor was Spencer, clutching her phone with tears streaming down her face. Her blonde hair was loosely pulled up in a messy bun, loose locks falling around her face. From the looks of it, Jessie could tell she had been crying for a while._

_"Spencer?" She whispered softly, her voice heavy with concern. She made her way closer to the crying woman and came to crouch beside her. "What's the matter?"_

_A loud sob escaped her lips before she could stop it. She hated people seeing her cry and wanted nothing more than to take the call she had made to Jessie back. Her friend had enough of her own things to worry about, with the television show and all. It was her burden to bear and she had wished that she hadn't brought someone else in to it._

_"Ashley..." She paused as another sob caught in her throat. Fresh tears formed and leaked out, burning a pathway down her face. "She's not coming back."_

_"What do mean she's not coming back? She left you?" Jessie was confounded. For all she knew, before the accident they were the very much in love, perfect couple who no one would dare think would break apart at the seams. Looks aren't everything, she guessed._

_Shaking her head, Spencer clenched her jaw, swallowing the next sob. She needed to regain some composure as to not sound like a babbling idiot. "No, she just extended her tour another month. God, it's like she doesn't want to come back at all. How am I supposed to deal with any of this without her?" She barely choked out the last part of her words as she further lost herself in tears and sobs. This period of two months had been the hardest she had ever endured and it seemed she was in for another of the same magnitude._

_Jessie quickly but gently wrapped her arms around the broken figure in front of her; her hands rubbing soft circles on Spencer's back, trying desperately to console her even in the slightest bit. "I'm so sorry Spencer... It will be okay though, I promise." She regretted the last bit the minute she uttered it. How could she make a statement like that to someone who lost a child and, in so many ways, a spouse too?_

_"No," Spencer gasped out. "It's never going to be okay. When she comes back, if she even does, there will be this big space in the room and it will choke us." She broke from the embrace, shaking as she sat up on her own. "She won't even talk about it with me. God, I've tried so hard to get through to her. Every night I call her and she shuts down or doesn't answer at all. I know that she thinks it's all her fault but I don't blame her for any of it. I don't!"_

_"I know you don't. She's just dealing with it the wrong way. Pushing you away is the worst thing she could do right now. You both need each other so much," Jessie reasoned as she inwardly cursed herself for preaching to the choir. Nothing she could say would be of any help._

_"I feel so alone," Spencer admitted softly, barely loud enough for herself to hear as her face fell into a numb expression._

_"You're not," Jessie sincerely stated before brushing a stray blonde lock behind a cold ear. "God, you're freezing. Let me help you to the couch and get you a blanket. Okay?" She asked, unsure if Spencer even wanted to move. From the looks of it, she had been in this spot for a while now._

_Nodding and wiping at her tears, Spencer allowed Jessie to help her up off of the floor and together, they made their way to the small couch. It was a much smaller couch than the one Ashley loved that claimed their living room. This couch was large enough for two people and was mainly used for playing video games on the plasma in front of it. As she sat down, she shivered, realizing for the first time just how cold she really was. She had felt so numb since the call she had made to her wife earlier that day._

_Jessie returned almost immediately carrying the soft microfiber blanket she had found in the living room. "Here you go sweetie," she said caringly as she wrapped the blanket around shaking shoulders, taking the time to tuck the ends beneath her._

_"Thank you," Spencer replied as she rubbed at her eyes again, a fake smile forming as she added, "God, I feel like such a pity case."_

_"Nonsense," Jessie stated firmly before settling in next to her friend. "I don't even know how I would be able to get out bed if I were in your situation."_

_"It's hard you know," she said with a sharp intake of breath. "When I wake up I'm reminded by all of the pictures of Emery and Ashley... and it's like a knife stabbing me in the stomach. I just.. I don't know. If Ashley were here at least I could focus on her and not the emptiness around me."_

_Jessie thought deeply for a moment, trying to come up with a possible solution to ease her friend's pain. "Do you want to come and stay with me for a little while?" She asked hesitantly before quickly adding, "You know, until Ashley gets back."_

_Smiling graciously for a moment, Spencer replied with doubt, "I don't know. Part of me keeps hoping that she'll just cancel the tour and surprise me by coming back unexpected," she said as she looked in Jessie's eyes. She saw nothing but genuine concern and briefly wondered if maybe she should take her up on that offer. "I know that's just wishful thinking."_

_"It would be okay Spencer," she said, assuring the blonde it was alright. "You can leave a note for her on the refrigerator to call you once she gets in. She should understand that you can't be alone here right now. It's too hard for you."_

_"I don't know. What about Melissa? Would she care?" Spencer asked, not wanting to intrude on anyone._

_Pausing as if to gather up courage, Jessie softly admitted through a pained expression, "Mel left me."_

_"No," Spencer gasped in disbelief. Jessie and Mel had been together for as long, if not longer, than she and Ashley had. They were so perfect together that it came as a shock to hear the confession._

_"Yeah," she sighed as tears formed in her eyes. "She left her ring on the nightstand and was gone before I woke up."_

_"That's horrible," she stated sympathetically before pulling Jessie into a tight hug. "I'm so sorry."_

_"Don't be. It's not your fault. I'm not even sure it's anyone's fault. She didn't even leave me a reason why," Jessie said as she rubbed at her eyes, hurt and anger marring her features._

_"I would love to come and stay with you," Spencer stated as she gazed upon the brokenness of the woman in front of her. She would be there for her friend and allow her friend to be there for her. Neither one of them should have to grieve alone._

_"Really?" Jessie asked with hope in her eyes. She had asked Spencer in hopes of not having to be alone. She needed a friend to help her through losing the love of her life. "Are you sure?"_

_"Yeah," Spencer nodded as she squeezed Jessie's hand._

_"Okay," she smiled before adding, "Thank you. I really needed you to say yes."_

_Halfway around the world, Ashley sat in her dressing room in Melbourne gearing up for yet another show. Her hands formed fists at her side as she glanced in the mirror and took notice of the bags under her eyes and the dullness in her expression. She was truly a walking zombie, skin pale and face growing thin. Life had taken an unfortunate toll on her as of late. Sighing, she clutched at her glass of Jack and Coke and raised it to her lips. She needed at least three glasses of her beautiful concoction to be able to go on stage and perform tonight. She was miserable and only had herself to blame. God, what had she done to Spencer? She had turned into something she hated and promised to never be._

_She grimaced angrily at herself in the mirror as she thought of her sad wife sitting at home wishing she would return. In all of the mess that had become their life together, Spencer had done absolutely nothing to deserve the punishment that she was unfortunately receiving. Ashley hated herself for it and cursed the day she was born; but she just couldn't bring herself to gather up the courage to stand and face the music. She couldn't go home and she couldn't bear witness to the aftermath she had left behind. No, she would instead hide in her own music, thousands of miles away. That was her only option._

_"You're pathetic," she softly grumbled to her reflection, her voice full of disdain and raspier than usual, before raising the cool glass to meet her lips._

_She sighed as she allowed the cool liquid to burn its way down her esophagus. She relished in the feeling she felt with every burning swallow of the drink. It had its way of calming her nerves and laying to rest the heaviness that she felt from life at the moment. It allowed her to put a smile on her face and take the stage every night, instantly feeling better upon seeing the faces in the crowd anxiously awaiting her. Spencer would be none too thrilled of her new habit, this Ashley knew for certain. She had hesitated briefly a month or so back when she took the first drink she had consumed since sobering up at seventeen. Throwing caution to the wind, she relented and it wasn't long after that it became a nightly ritual. But she needed it. She needed the false sense of happiness that the alcohol brought with its ability to free her with dizzying distractions._

_Though it was hollow in its gratification lately, she needed to perform to block out all of the static she was faced with, the abyss that swarmed around her. She couldn't go home now; not now and not so soon after it all. She had dug herself a deep hole with Spencer and things would only grow worse if she returned. Turmoil filled her more and more with each passing night, further pushing her towards her poison of choice. It seemed that the only thing that could block it all out to continue on came in a bottle and had the name Jack._

_"Ms. Davies, you're on in five," her tour manager popped his head in her dressing room to briefly announce what she was all too aware of. "Knock 'em dead, gorgeous" He quickly disappeared from the doorway and down the corridor._

_"Great," Ashley mumbled to herself as she took one last swig of her drink, downing the rest of the contents and immediately feeling her face flush from the heat. Her head began to feel increasingly large as she swayed on her feet, standing up from her chair. She was about to make her way for the stage as she heard her iPhone sound off, signaling she had a new voicemail._

_She groaned as she headed towards the couch on the far wall of the dressing room, stooping down to check through her jacket pockets for the device. As she crouched down, a burp made its way from her lips as she suddenly felt a rush of anxiety. She knew that it could only be from one person. Touching her shaky thumb to the screen, the phone lit up, instantly displaying what she knew would be the case._

_You Have 1 new Voicemail Message  
>From: My Darling One<em>

_She pressed button to listen to the message from the call that she had been too wrapped up in herself to receive. Pounding in her ears, her heart sank as she heard the broken, strained voice of Spencer._

_"Ashley, It's me… but you probably already know that and chose not to answer," Spencer's voice sounded and muted the pounding in her ears as bitterness seeped through. "I honestly don't know why I'm calling. I should give up by now. I thought you should know, if you suddenly decide to care, that I'm going to stay with Jessie for a while. Call me if you want."_

_Ashley's eyes closed tightly, holding in the tears that she needed to contain, her hands shaking as she repeated the message. She noticed the lack of an 'I Love You' and grimaced at the pain she had, in so many ways, brought upon herself. Spencer was going to stay with Jessie. Although she knew in her heart that it would be innocent, Ashley's brain immediately began to think of the worst possible scenario; Spencer cheating on her. Jessie was a good friend to her wife and they had been quite close for a while now. It wouldn't surprise her. Hell, with the way she had been treating her lately and all they had gone through, she wasn't sure she would blame her either. The alcohol was weighing heavily on the rational side of her brain, causing her to conjure up all sorts of reasons why she should sit back and let it all happen. Spencer would be better off. Sighing with her hands clutching her phone tightly to her chest, she committed the moment to memory as the one where she realized that she had finally delivered their final blow._

_After several moments passed, she heard a knock followed by a frantic voice stating, "Ashley? You're supposed to be on now."_

_"Just a…" Her voiced cracked through the tears and anger. "Just a minute," she repeated after clearing her throat to speak more steadily. She needed to compose herself so as to not disappoint anyone tonight. Her hand gripping the phone suddenly let go, allowing the device to hit the floor as her other hand came up to wipe away the tears she had failed to force back. She had no one but herself to thank._

_Walking over to the table, her hand reached for the bottle of Jack and hastily tilted her head back to allow the liquid to pour down her throat, instantly becoming someone else for the night. Her demeanor changed and, confidently, she exited the dressing room with a false resolve as she took the stage for one more show._

* * *

><p>Thinking back on her time in Australia, Ashley furrowed her brow in disgust. She had never forgotten the moment she knew that she had ruined things. It still unendingly haunted her and she was never able to get drunk enough to forget it all. That message contained the first indication that her marriage was over and she had decided to keep it on her phone as a reminder of what she had done. It was something she could replay whenever she felt like drinking again. It was her red flag.<p>

She thought for a moment before scribbling down the next line in the new song she was working on. She was in a period of reflection, with her divorce causing her to regret many things. She was writing about the darkness she'd felt, the pain, and the loss of both her daughter and her wife. Songs came as a memento to her darkest days and she had never been more productive.

"You know they're going to try to censor you for that," Kyla stated while chancing a glance over her sister's shoulder.

Ashley gasped as she clutched at her heart before loudly saying with frustration, "God, you know how I hate it when you sneak up on me. I didn't even hear you come in."

"You buzzed me up," she replied as though it was the most obvious thing.

"I know," Ashley sighed as she regained her nerves. "I was just lost in my thoughts I guess. What's up?" She asked, knowing full well Kyla had some sort of news to run by her.

"Nothing. Why does something have to be up for me to visit?" She asked on the defense.

"Well, I don't usually get the pleasure of your company at," Ashley paused as she glanced at her watch. "Eight in the morning."

"Well," Kyla rebutted, "You're not usually up at," she glanced at her wrist, void of any watch, in mockery of Ashley. "Eight in the morning."

Ashley smiled as she shoved her sister lovingly. "I couldn't sleep last night. I've been writing for the most part, just trying to get the thoughts out of my head."

"Ooo," Kyla mused. "Anything good?"

Ashley couldn't help but chuckle. Her sister was one of her biggest fans, that much was certain. She honestly loved Ashley's music and was a most reliable critic. "Actually, I was hoping you would listen to this. I wrote it as a reflection of the time I spent drinking myself stupid."

"Oh yeah?" Kyla inquired as she watched Ashley reach for her guitar, gearing up to preview the partially written song to her.

"I call it 'High Enough'," Ashley admitted as she began to strum the first chords. "I don't have much of it written so it's kinda short," she finished while talking over the music she was playing.

_Can you bring me another  
>I'm not there yet<br>Do I seem to remember  
>How much 'til I forget<em>

_Ooh, I can't get high enough, light enough, nice enough  
>Can you hear me now<br>'cause I'm not doing fine  
>I'm drowning in my mind again<br>Oh why does what I've done take so much to disappear?_

_Can I, ooh, can I stand up  
>Help me from this chair<br>I was the life of the party  
>Or so you tell me<br>Ooh, I can't get high enough, light enough, nice enough  
>Can you hear me now<br>'cause I'm not doing fine  
>I'm drowning in my mind again<br>Oh why does what I've done take so much to disappear?_

She finished the song without actually having an ending, only stopping because she had run out of lyrics. Glancing up at Kyla, she was apprehensive. She wasn't sure what exactly her sister was thinking of in that moment. It wasn't often she wrote songs of this nature, about her drinking problem. Maybe her sister was just a little shocked.

"So?" She questioned, still not having received any sort of reaction. "What do you think so far?"

Kyla's attention was brought back from her momentary thoughts of sympathy for her sister. Her eyes averted to her sister as her brows furrowed. "That's really sad Ash."

Nodding, Ashley slowly smiled as she let out a lighthearted sigh, waiting for Kyla to realize that she wasn't writing about herself as she was now. "Well it's not like I feel like that anymore. I told you; I was writing about how I used to feel."

Kyla was still uneasy with the feeling the tone of the song had left her with. She was worried for her sister, knowing that Ashley usually wouldn't admit to anyone if she was feeling down. "And how do you feel now?"

Ashley rolled her eyes and shot her sister a look that told her she was being fussy over nothing. "I'm fine. I haven't had that bad of a week…" She trailed off thinking about her moment at the cemetery with Spencer just yesterday morning. "I actually talked to Spencer for a bit."

Kyla's eyes widened in shock as she took a seat next to Ashley. "Really?" She was thrilled that they hadn't broke off all communication, still hoping they could somehow resolve all of this. "What did you talk about?"

"Nothing really," Ashley paused as not knowing what to say. They hadn't really talked about much, in all honesty; just enjoyed each other's company. "She was upset and so was I. Somehow we ended up meeting up at the cemetery."

Kyla nodded as she brought her gaze to her hands, not really knowing what to say just then. "So," she began, trying to come up with something to steer the conversation back on a safe path. "They are so not going to like the fact that you use the word 'high' in this one. They might even slap the sticker on whatever album you release it."

Ashley chuckled before bringing her coffee to her lips. "It's not like I'm talking about drugs."

"Alcohol is a drug, Ash," Kyla stated matter of factly, knowing the label wouldn't be too happy with it. It was much darker than the content Ashley normally released.

"And I am an adult musician," Ashley replied defensively. "If people don't like what I play, then they don't have to listen to it."

"I know," Kyla held up her hands as she assured her sister she wasn't trying to lecture her. "I liked the song personally. Are you working on an album? I know last week you said you had some new songs you wanted to play."

"Yeah," she nodded as she sat her guitar down. "I'm thinking of playing a few at the show next week." She paused, not sure whether to verbalize her next thought. "I wrote a song to play for Spencer…" she trailed off, fearful of her sister's reaction.

"Spencer?" Kyla was confused. Last time she checked they were divorced and barely speaking.

"Yeah," Ashley nodded once more. "I invited her to the show. Her AND Jessie." She wanted it to appear that she was being the bigger person and moving on. Truth be told, she just wanted Spencer there because it was hard for her to write a song and not play it for the blonde. All her career, Spencer had been there to support her and she really needed her to hear the song she was saving for the show.

"You invited her?"

"Yeah," Ashley answered before looking away and mumbling, "Sandra too… You're going to have to leave tickets at the gate for her though. I've already given two to Spencer."

"What?" Kyla was dumbfounded. She couldn't believe that she would not only invite her ex-wife, but her nightly… whatever she was. Wouldn't that be awkward?

"Relax Kyla," she said firmly before clenching her jaw in emphasis. "It's not like I'm going to introduce them. I only invited Sandra to keep my mind off Spencer. Plus, I told her to bring a person with her."

"And what if Spencer sees you with her?" She asked without realizing the direction this conversation was about to go. She knew Spencer's feelings towards Ashley and she also knew how she would react seeing Ashley with someone else.

"So what?" Ashley sighed out in frustration. "It's not like we're together anymore. I should be able to invite whomever I want."

"I know that, but there's still…" She paused, realizing she was about to go too far and spill the beans. Ashley didn't know of Spencer's feelings and she was not about to change that. It was most definitely not her place.

Ashley's eyes widened in a questioning gaze, raising her eyebrows expectantly as if prodding her sister to continue. "Still… what?"

"Still… time before… the show," Kyla finished with an inward roll of the eyes to herself. She was usually so good at maintaining her cool and she had almost slipped. "You can always change your mind."

"And why would I do that?" Ashley asked exhaustingly. This conversation was getting old and she hated it when Kyla got all parental.

"Because," she said while thinking of a quick excuse. "They're both going to expect to be invited backstage afterwards. What then?"

"Then I'll introduce them," Ashley stated matter of factly. "God, you act like we're not adults. We can handle this. It shouldn't bother Spencer anyway. She told me to move on. She is, so why shouldn't I?"

Kyla could only shake her head at the thought. She knew as well as anyone that Spencer could never move on from Ashley. It was absurd. Why couldn't her sister see that? It was in that moment that she made a promise to herself to talk to Spencer about telling Ashley the truth. They were divorced. Spencer got what she needed and there were no more reasons to keep up the charade.

* * *

><p><em>AN: Credit to Lisa Marie Presley for the song "High Enough"_


	10. Just a Hint of Infidelity

**Chapter Ten**

_"Can we just stop talking about the party, Ashley?" Spencer asked angrily as they pulled up to her parents' white brick house in Santa Monica. They lived not too far from the ocean and, on this beautiful day in early April, had jumped at the chance to take their youngest grandchild to the carnival on the pier. Her heart began pounding as soon as she noticed Ashley kill the engine; another argument was bound to ensue._

_"Spencer," Ashley began with uncertainty. They had driven almost thirty minutes and she had run out of things to say to put her wife's mind at ease about the whole evening. "I really don't think that we should go inside and pick up our daughter in this mood that we're in." No matter how angry they would get at each other, it was an unspoken rule that they would never let their disagreements affect their child in any way._

_Spencer looked down and replied with an emotionless intake of air, "I'm not in any mood, Ashley."_

_"Oh really?" She questioned, not believing a word. "Well, you're using my full in almost every sentence." It wasn't often that she was called anything other than 'Ash' by her wife, lovingly. She could always sense the exact moment in time that Spencer's mood would change to one of irritation and anger by the simple fact that she would then be called 'Ashley,' and there had been a lot of 'Ashley's that night._

_Spencer could only stare with a straight face at her other half; her tears long gone and her sadness replaced with disappointment and exhaustion, as she searched her mind for anything that could put the argument to bed. She was completely ready to never think about the evening again, and evening she had silently decided wasn't worth wasting thought on anymore. Ashley had screwed up, yes, and it had hurt her greatly, but she was so beyond tired of talking about it._

_"I don't even know what to say to you," she said softly with a slight head shake, her eyes burning holes into Ashley's face. "The more you speak the angrier I get."_

_"I didn't sleep with her," Ashley maintained with a clenched jaw for added emphasis on the word 'didn't.'_

_"But you want to," Spencer sighed out with strong emphasis as she closed her eyes, fighting back her second round of water works. "To me, that hurts just as bad, because in your mind, you've already imagined it."_

_"No." Ashley shook her head determinedly as she looked down at her hands, before quietly adding, "That's not true..."_

_"Ashley..." she raised her voice to cut off her wife's impending words. "Don't lie to me. I know what I saw in your eyes tonight... in the way you laughed with her and ... God! In the way you looked when we walked in and you saw what she was wearing. I thought the busboy was going to need a scraper to remove your jaw from the floor." Her anger had begun its ascent from the pit of her stomach. She had been fighting desperately throughout the entire trip back to refrain from losing her composure, however, all her efforts were crumbling._

_"That's ridiculous," Ashley replied with a serious expression, her jaw clenching and unclenching in frustration. She was shocked at how revealing the dress had been, yes, but who hadn't looked? It had been tonight's main attraction._

_"I know what I saw," Spencer said softly as she quickly unbuckled her seat belt and exited the small sports car, needing to end the conversation that was getting them nowhere. Marching towards the front door of her parents' house, she was shaking her head with disbelief at how Ashley was acting. It was completely absurd! If the situation were reversed, Ashley would have no doubt been angry, much angrier than she was; and she probably wouldn't have hesitated in flying off the handle at the party and engaging in a fist fight with the other woman. She was quite territorial._

_"Damn it!" Ashley exclaimed and breathed a deep sigh of frustration before raising her tightly gripped fist and pounding the steering wheel in anger. She really couldn't blame her wife; she had been a class A jerk tonight and she would spend forever apologizing for it, if that's what it would take._

_As quickly as Spencer had left, Ashley followed suit and exited the car, immediately running around the vehicle and blocking her frustrated wife's path. "Please wait. I'm not going in there like this."_

_"Then wait outside for us…" Spencer trailed off as she tried to maneuver her way around the stern brunette. "I don't care either way." She lifted her shaky hand in an effort to push Ashley away._

_Grabbing her outstretched hand before it reached her shoulder, Ashley forcefully turned her wife around to face her once more, pinning her between the car and herself. "Spencer, I'm so completely sorry for tonight, for the way it made you feel." she said sincerely as she stared into the deep blue orbs with an enormous amount of sorrow, looking for any sign of forgiveness. "Now, can we just go inside in a better mood?"_

_"I'm not just going to forget everything and go inside with a smile on my face," she said in a low voice as she shook her head, her eyebrows furrowed in anger. "You really hurt me tonight. Not once did you leave your conversation with her to even check to see if I was still there. It was like I was on a date with the fish tank that I sat next to the whole time while men repeatedly hit one me." She finished with disgust, thinking that if Ashley had bothered to notice, she would have chased them all away with a stick._

_"I said I was sorry," she sighed out in exhaustion. She really wasn't getting anywhere._

_"And that makes it all okay?" Spencer asked with furrowed brows, her eyes staring straight into Ashley's. "Just answer me this Ashley; before you pulled away…" She paused, unsure of whether she actually wanted to know the answer or not. "Did you kiss her back?"_

_Ashley's gaze fell to their feet that were merely inches apart. She had kissed her producer back; and though it lasted much longer than it should have, it had meant nothing to her and she had been sick to her stomach for weeks about it. She couldn't put into words the way she had been feeling around the producer; it was not love because her heart belonged to the blonde in front of her. Infatuation, maybe, but even that didn't fit right. She didn't want to sleep with her, not that she hadn't thought about it, but it was more a passing thought than a desire. Lately it had seemed that with work and caring for their daughter, they hadn't been able to find time for just them, time to reconnect. Maybe she was going through what some would call the 'seven year itch.'_

_Judging by the silence from her wife, Spencer was able to reach her own conclusion about the kiss. After being with her for so long, Ashley was like an open book to her and the look on her face right in that moment was reading like guilt._

_"Great," Spencer sarcastically stated before shoving Ashley away from her. "Get out of my way."_

_"Spencer, wait," She demanded before tightening the hold on her wife's hand, not realizing just how tight it was becoming. "I'm not sure what's going on with me. I'm not sure why I'm acting this way. But I don't want her! I don't love her!"_

_"Get your hand off me," Spencer gritted through teeth as the grip on her arm was quite tight, bordering on painful. Ashley was never one to physically hurt anyone, but she was surprised at the force in which she had been grabbed._

_Ashley gasped almost inaudibly as she realized that she was in fact holding Spencer's arm tightly. "I'm so sorry Spencer. I didn't mean to hurt you." She jumped back in shock of her actions, immediately pulling her hand away from Spencer's arm as though it had burned._

_Spencer stared into the sorrowful brown eyes for what seemed like forever before her lips began to form the doubts she had been feeling for years now since their daughter had been born. "What is it Ashley? What does she do for you that I don't? Is it the fact that she has the perfect body and I don't? What?" Ashley was stunned into silence by this sudden outburst of questions to which she had no answers for. "Answer me!"_

_"I don't know how to explain it," she fumbled her words out with her eyes closing. "We were in the studio and one thing led to another…"_

_"It always does," Spencer replied through a new batch of tears._

_"No!" Ashley exclaimed. "It's not like that. She was talking about my album and then she came on to me. I was completely shocked by it that I didn't know what to do at first."_

_"And the fact that you're married didn't help you figure that out?" Spencer was livid and hurt by the recounting of events. She was in no mood to hear what had happened._

_"Yes, it did. I pushed her away and then I left the studio," she finished with pleading eyes staring straight into the blue ones before her, her heart breaking with each tear she witnessed fall from her wife's eyes. "I've been sick about it ever since; you have no idea. God, I honestly don't know what's wrong with me."_

_"Ashley," she began softly with her resolve coming back to her, wanting the discussion to just hurry and come to an end. "It's normal to develop crushes on people in an authoritative position, but it's not normal to abandon your wife at a party to fall all over that person."_

_"Look, I'm sorry," Ashley declared as she brought her hands up to her wife's face._

_"No," Spencer yelled as she shrugged Ashley's hands away from her. "You don't get to do that. What if I had been spending a lot of time with someone and you found out that I had kissed them? What if I acted the way you had tonight? Would that be okay with you?"_

_"Of course not," Ashley admitted softly before looking away once again. "And I don't expect you to be okay with it either. I just…"_

_Suddenly, they were broke free from their argument by the shrill ringtone of Ashley's cellphone floating its way through the open window of the car, signaling that she had an incoming message. Sighing, Spencer looked at Ashley whose facial expression changed to one of fear, letting her know immediately who was calling._

_"I bet that's her," she stated as she turned on her heels and reached her hand through the window, pulling the phone from the console that Ashley had deposited it. Her shaky hand brought it up towards her face to read the display. "Oh look," she smiled and said with a sarcastically cheerful tone. "It's a text message from Effy. How nice is that? You even have a nickname for her. I wonder what she has to say."_

_"Don't," Ashley demanded as she brought her own hand up to attempt to recover her phone from her wife's grasp. "Spencer whatever it says, it doesn't mean anything to me."_

_'Hey Ash… U left so soon. R U coming back?_  
><em>3 F'<em>

_"Well Ash, are you?" She continued with her sarcasm and fake smile._

_"Am I what?" Ashley asked with a serious expression, her jaw clenching in anger at the perfect moment in which Francesca decided to come barreling into their argument. More imperfect as it were._

_"Are you going back to her?" She asked as her voice lost its sarcastic tone and her smile faded._

_"Why would I do that?" Ashley asked, exasperated at the fact that her wife would believe that she would go back there when she was upset like this._

_"I don't know Ash, why would you flirt with her all night?" She asked as she harshly shoved the cellphone into her wife's chest._

_"It was innocent and you know it. I would never cheat on you," Ashley said sincerely as she took hold of her phone, their fingers brushing lightly against one another. "I don't need or want to."_

_Spencer removed her hand quickly, needing to break the contact before she allowed her emotions to take over and give in to those deep eyes she continuously found herself lost in. "But you have thought about it?"_

_"And you haven't?" Ashley rebutted before she had a chance to intercept the words, grimacing at herself for her own stupidity. It was so not the moment for that sentence._

_"Of course I haven't!" Spencer raised her voice as she shook her head. "You're it for me, the love of my life. We have a family together. Why would I ever need to think about that?"_

_"That's not what I meant…" She began before being cut off._

_"What does she have that I don't? Do I not make you happy?" She pleaded with Ashley to tell her the truth, what she had been thinking and feeling for a while now. Since the birth of their daughter, she had been feeling self-conscious about her body; and sooner or later her wife was bound to lose attraction for her. Had it already happened? "Is it my body? It's not what it used to be."_

_"You don't even need to ask that. Just because she sends me a message doesn't mean shit. I'm in love with you; and your body is fucking perfect. I want you now more than I think I ever have. You're the reason I get up in the morning. You're the love of my life and I would never throw that away…" she paused as tears formed in her eyes at hearing Spencer doubt what she felt so much for. "For anybody."_

_Spencer remained quiet for a moment, allowing herself time to assess whether or not Ashley was being sincere. Her brown eyes were moist with tears and her expression was one of sorrow. She could tell in the shaking desperation her wife was displaying that she was in deed being honest about how she felt._

_"Let me see your phone," she demanded as she held her hand out._

_"What?" Ashley asked, being caught off guard by the request. "Why? It was just one message."_

_"Give me your phone Ashley," she insisted once more before grabbing it herself and flipping through to the 'Sent' messages. "Oh look a message from Ashley to Effy."_

_'Hey. Thanx 4 last night. I really needed that._  
><em>- Ash'<em>

_"Why don't you hide some more things from me and lie about those," she sarcastically suggested as she scrolled to the next message in the string of messages between Ashley and her producer._

_'No prob. I'm always here 4 U cutie! Hehe_  
><em>3F'<em>

_"Cutie, wow," she said in a low unimpressed voice as she flipped the phone off and handed it back to Ashley, who had long since closed her eyes in fear and regret. "She likes you Ash."_

_"Spencer, those were old messages and they meant nothing," she said through a clenched jaw. "We just went out for coffee, that's it."_

_"Then why hide it?" She said without actually wanting to hear an answer._

_"Because... because it was that night a couple of weeks ago that I told you I couldn't make it home for dinner and when I did finally make it home, you were already in bed and there was a cold, unfinished dinner for two with burned out candles and warm wine on the table," she said regrettably. "I felt so bad about it because I went out to the café with her instead of making it home in time to have a romantic night with you. I felt like a royal fucking jerk and if I could take it back, I would."_

_Spencer sighed out a disappointed sigh as she looked into the regretful brown eyes staring at her. "You told me that you couldn't make it home because you hadn't found a good baseline yet; that nothing was working. I spent hours planning and preparing that surprise for you."_

_"I didn't lie about that," she defended herself sincerely before reluctantly adding, "It was just, after a while she suggested taking a break and going out for coffee. We were going to come back and finish. I didn't know we'd spend two hours there talking."_

_"Two hours huh?" She asked with tears forming behind her eyelids. "When was the last time you talked to me for two hours? And that doesn't include arguing."_

_"We talk," Ashley replied, knowing in her heart that it had been a long while since the two of them had a nice long conversation._

_"Not really Ash," she argued while shaking her head. "You're hardly ever here, and I know..." She held up her hands in a defensive motion before Ashley could say anything back. "I know that's what I signed up for when we got married, that you'd be gone a lot with your career; but at least before… you made an effort to be here with me every chance you could. That all changed when you started working with her. Now it's like you make up excuses to go have coffee with her... and hide things from me... and... and kiss her, evidently."_

_"That kiss was an accident on my part and it meant nothing to me," Ashley said with raised eyebrows in emphasis. "You have to believe me."_

_"It always means nothing until the one day when suddenly it means more than nothing, Ashley. You may not see it or you aren't willing to admit it, but she has a thing for you and you're feeding into it... encouraging her," she desperately tried to reason with her seemingly ignorant wife. The solution was plain as day to her, now it was only a matter of convincing Ashley to see it. "I want you to quit seeing her."_

_"I'm not going to do that," Ashley said sternly, almost too quickly, as she twirled the phone around in her hands, looking down at her feet. "We work together Spencer."_

_"Yes, you do," She agreed with anger as her voice was rising in volume. How could Ashley have even had the time to process what she had just asked of her before immediately jumping to that woman's side? "And what scares me is the moment you're at work and the flirting becomes something more. Maybe you think I'm being ridiculous, but affairs always start somewhere… and the fact that you're hiding things and flirting back can only mean that you're one step closer to having one."_

_"Spencer, I'm sorry you feel that way, but it was one kiss and I'm never going to be that stupid again," she declared, her eyes promising Spencer that she would remain faithful. "I have everything I want and everything need right here with you and Em. Everything!" She brought her hands up once more to frame her wife's face, staring deeply into the blue eyes before her, needing desperately to relay the message as clear as possible._

_"I know that you mean that Ashley; and I trust you, I do… but I don't trust her. So please," she pleaded with soft eyes and a much softer expression. "Work with someone else on this album. It's not like you're that far into it that you can't switch producers."_

_"It's not that Spencer," Ashley began as she looked away. "It's just that..."_

_"What are you not telling me Ashley?" Spencer asked as she backed away from her wife, her heart beating much heavier and faster than a moment ago. The look on Ashley's face was telling her that there was more to the story than she had previously thought. "What did you do?"_

_"Nothing," she assured her as she brought her gaze back up to meet Spencer's. "Nothing like what you think okay? I signed a contract with her... that we would make three albums together." She finished slowly and almost mumbled the last bit._

_"You what?" Spencer yelled out in disbelief. "You have got to be kidding me."_

_"That's how she works!" Ashley yelled out in her own defense. "You have to sign a three album deal with her or she doesn't do any. I had no choice. She knows how to make good albums. She's the hottest producer out there," Ashley said matter of factly without realizing how that last statement had sounded._

_"Yeah," Spencer said with a sarcastic smile masking her inner pain. She suddenly broke from Ashley's embrace as she moved away from her wife towards the house. "I know you think she is."_

_"Spencer..." Ashley tried but was cut off._

_"You know what Ashley," she stopped walking and faced the brunette once more. "I'm done talking to you right now, so if you'll excuse me," she said with her voice returning to its exhausted, angry tone. "I'm going to go get our daughter and we're going home. I'm tired and it has been a long, shitty day."_

* * *

><p>The cab rounded the corner of a busy intersection and shortly after, came to a stop just outside of a tall skyscraper. The building, a plate glass structure that was approximately fifty floors high, dominated the skyline of the surrounding blocks with the 'TNT Records' sign hanging prominently above the entryway, letting everyone know that this was a powerhouse label.<p>

Thinking back on it know, if Ashley had it all to do over she would have went with her gut instinct and signed with an indie label, giving her the power to have final say on all her musical decisions. Though she would have made much less money and had much less fame, her music and career might have meant more to her in the long run. She would have been the captain of her own ship, steering her career in the direction she intended, instead of the label execs always having their say on what songs she did or what direction she went. Never mind that it was her music.

After all, hindsight is always 20/20.

Ashley's heart was beating much faster in her chest than she would have desired. It had been a while since she had been back to the record label's studio, the studio where she had made so many mistakes with her life. These days, she rather preferred to work alone in her own studio which she owned above the apartment she rented to Kyla. She would have to bitterly thank her sister later for setting up the early appointment today to meet with the people she didn't much care for, people that were sure to take her demo tracks and turn them into 'marketable' songs. She rolled her eyes as she thought of the impending turn of events.

Pulling out a twenty, she handed it to the cab driver and mentally prepared herself for what was sure to be an exhausting couple of hours. Hopefully Tom and Tony wouldn't be too pompous and unbearable.

"Keep the change," she muttered lowly, uninterested as she fumbled with her things in an attempt to organize them, stuffing her half eaten granola honey oat bar back into the wrapper and shoving it into her pocket.

"Thank you," he said as she heard an intake of breath that was sure to follow with a 'You're Ashley Davies' or 'Can I have an autograph?'

Surprising her though, the driver only followed up with a genuine, "Have a good day Miss."

She smiled on the inside as she thought of how sincere he sounded, treating her like a normal person instead of wanting something from her. She loved her fans, don't misunderstand that, but there were times when being anonymous had its appeal, days like today and at this hour of the morning.

"Thanks," she smiled outwardly to match her inner one. "You too." Then she swiftly exited the cab, grabbing her tote bag in the process as the car sped off down the road.

Standing on the sidewalk for just a moment, she illogically wondered if anyone would notice if she just didn't show up at all today. Oh no; no one would notice Ashley Davies missing at her own meeting. No such luck! It wasn't that she was in a bad mood or even having a bad day; she just hated the business side of the industry. Robots in suits tossing demands her way without so much as batting an eye. It was all just business to them, but this was her music and her life… It was more than just business and she hated that it only meant dollar signs to them.

Closing her eyes, she sighed and put one foot in front of the other. She was contractually obligated to make at least one more album with the god awful label; after that, she was on her own and thankful of it. She had made herself more than enough money and established a vast enough fan base to begin independently releasing her music through her own website. Throwing her black tote bag over her shoulder, she marched up to the double doors she had grown to despise and with a shaky hand, she pulled the door open and briefly hesitated before entering the building.

Once inside, her eyes adjusted to the change in brightness as she scanned around looking for a familiar face. People were bustling around with papers and briefcases, her canvas tree-hugging recyclable bag suddenly seeming completely out of place.

"Ashley," the young blonde receptionist greeted in an obvious fake voice. "It's nice to see you again. Tom and Tony are up in the meeting room waiting for you. Would you like me to get you anything? Coffee? Doughnuts?"

"Uh," she hesitated before adding, "No thanks, Nicole. I'm good. Will you buzz them and let them know I'm on my way up?"

"Sure thing," she winked as she picked up the head set with a slender hand and pressed a button, immediately saying in her cheery voice, "She's here Tom. She'll be up shortly."

"Thanks," Ashley said before making her way over to the set of elevators. After pressing the button, she noticed the doors to the one on the right open almost immediately. This caused her to groan as she wondered why it couldn't have taken longer; she would have appreciated anything to delay the meeting if only for a second more.

Stepping into the elevator and knowing the way to the meeting room, she didn't hesitate in pressing the button labeled '43' and immediately pressed the '|' button afterward, needing the doors to close quickly to avoid having to share an awkward elevator ride with someone she didn't know. There wasn't much more she hated than sharing an elevator with strangers, being crammed in a small airless space with someone who could be a mass murdering psychopath… it was the worst, that and label meetings. She sighed as she slumped against the wall and the elevator began its ascent to the fiery pit of hell. It would have made more sense had she been descending floors. She chuckled softly as she thought of this.

Her eyes looked up for only a moment, but it was long enough to catch her reflection in the metallic door. Noticing her smile, she relished it as she thought of how it could quite possibly be the last one of the day. Surely Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum would do everything in their power to declare her their workhorse, effectively making her day one she would wish to be unconscious for.

Then she thought back on her last memorable elevator ride, her last one shared with her love. The last time they had been that close, touched... Who knows if they ever would again?

It was the day a few weeks ago at the courthouse and slowly, her smile began to fade.

* * *

><p><em>Forcing back her own tears, Ashley swallowed hard and inhaled deeply before putting up a brave front and asking the hardest question she had ever muttered. "So, when is the wedding?"<em>

_Spencer couldn't for the life her turn back around to answer her ex-wife face to face. It was hard enough admitting the date even to herself. Instead, she forcefully choked out a heartbreaking answer._

_"January 26th." Then she began walking towards the elevators. She desperately needed to get herself out of their and away from Ashley's presence before she completely broke down and cried. Pressing the down button, she tapped her foot nervously while praying that Ashley hadn't followed her._

_"Oh," Ashley breathed out with her steady voice hiding her disappointment. She seemed like she was taking everything quite well, but inside she was dying. "Any specific reason for the date?" She wasn't sure why she had asked, but as they stood there waiting for the elevator doors to open, she felt the need to make light conversation. Maybe that would help her deal with it all._

_"That was the next available date for an appointment with the Justice of the Peace," Spencer replied without making eye contact. If she had, she was sure she would throw in the towel on the whole operation. Operation: Let Ashley Go._

_Ashley's eyebrows furrowed as she smiled in disbelief. "You're getting married in the courthouse?"_

_"Yeah," was all she could say back as the doors opened and they both stepped inside. Spencer inwardly groaned as she could feel the tension fill the entire elevator to point bordering on suffocation. At approximately the same time, their hands reached for the 'G' button causing their fingertips to ultimately collide and electricity to shoot up both of their arms._

_Pulling back immediately, Ashley felt the fire ignite on her finger tips from the touch, burning its way into the recesses of her memory. She would never forget what it felt like to touch her and she had to hold in a sigh as she quietly said, "I'm sorry."_

_Spencer then pressed the button and the doors closed, containing them with all of the tension and awkwardness. "It's okay."_

_As the elevator began its journey downward, Ashley glanced over to her ex as she thought of anything to break the uncomfortable silence. "So where's your honeymoon going to be?" she asked in a friendly tone, trying desperately to seem okay._

_Spencer sighed as anguish filled her insides. She did not want to have this conversation with Ashley; it was hard enough having to be this close to her. "Ash, don't."_

_"Don't what? It's just a question," she replied nonchalantly with an expression that downplayed the heaviness of the situation._

_"Do you really want to know that stuff?" Spencer asked with a sarcastic sigh. It wouldn't have mattered if she did want to know. There were no honeymoon plans to even speak of._

_"No, not really," Ashley replied as her false expression fell. Suddenly her eyes were serious and her jaw was clenched. "I just hate that you're marrying her. I hate that we're here."_

_"I know," Spencer said softly as she looked down at her feet, pleading with the floor to open up and swallow her._

_"Are you sure this is what you want?" Ashley asked as she turned towards the blonde, bringing their bodies face to face. "Because it's not too late."_

_"Ashley…" She began to reply but was cut off from the bubble that formed in her throat, choking off her words._

_Ashley could sense the uneasiness in the woman before her. She had spent many years learning all of her mannerisms and emotions; she had it down to an exact science. She could tell that Spencer was having a hard time and maybe she didn't in fact want what her future was to hold. Maybe she just didn't know how to turn around and go back._

_Before she could even think about her actions, she had cupped Spencer's face and forcefully joined them in a heated kiss, their lips melding together like poetry as she shoved them hard against the back wall of the elevator._

_Ashley pressed herself further into her, needing to be as close as possible to savor it, her hands tangling in golden locks as her tongue found its way into her mouth searching for its counterpart, their lips breathing fire with each pass. She had forgotten all logic and reason in that moment and allowed the primal instinct within her to take over. Taking Spencer by surprise, she swallowed the gasp emitted by the blonde and deepened the kiss, if it was at all possible. She could feel Spencer's legs part as she moved in between them, needing to be closer… closer._

_Spencer's tears began to fall down her face and eyebrows scrunched in pain as she kissed Ashley back, her hands reluctantly suspended in midair before slowly and shakily making their way to rest on the strong shoulders in front of her, gripping for dear life and pulling her impossibly closer as her nails dug into Ashley's suit jacket. She could feel her sobs quietly escaping her throat before landing in the mouth above her own. It had been forever and a day since she had been this close to Ashley; she almost completely lost herself in their embrace needing to feel this and not having the power to stop it. She allowed herself to kiss the brunette passionately, if only for one last time._

_Ashley's hands began their pattern of tracing their way down the beautiful body she had memorized many times before; her heart racing as her finger tips brushed the skin of Spencer's thigh and pulled it up around her waist, settling herself more comfortably between shaky knees._

_For a tiny sliver of a moment, their tongues fought violently for dominance and just as quickly as the kiss started, the elevator dinged and the doors slid open. Abruptly the kiss was broken and they parted, panting and staring into each other's eyes. Blue met brown as the realization hit them both like a tidal wave._

_"Oh God," Spencer breathed out as her hand gently shoved Ashley away, exiting the elevator. "I have to go." She was desperate to flee the building and cry alone in the front seat of her car. How could she have been so stupid and allow that to happen?_

_"Spencer…" Ashley began without actually knowing what to say. She regretted kissing her for the simple fact that Spencer looked horrified in that moment. However, she couldn't have stopped herself if her life had depended on it. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen… I just…"_

_"It's…" Spencer said nervously while composing herself in an attempt to remain calm and collected. "It's okay… Umm… I'll see you Saturday." She fought herself to make eye contact with the brunette, and nodding, she then retreated hastily, exiting the courthouse._

_Ashley could only nod as she was too dumbstruck by the events to form any coherent words. How could she have done that? She hadn't meant to. She had clearly upset Spencer again and she felt that she had done enough of that in the years before. As she watched the blonde walk quickly out of the front doors of the courthouse, a thought formed in her head as a barely noticeable smile graced her lips._

_'She kissed me back.'_

* * *

><p>Ashley was broke from her thoughts by the ding of the elevator, signaling she had arrived to the forty-third floor. She glanced one last time at her reflection before it disappeared as the doors opened, bringing her back to reality. She sighed heavily as she reluctantly stepped out and into the hallway.<p>

Walking slowly towards the door of the meeting room, she wondered what the suits were going to do today to piss her off. She paused momentarily at the door as her hand reached up to the knob. Her heart sank as she heard the familiar chuckle coming from inside the room, a sound that burned her red with anger to her very core.

"No fucking way," Ashley yelled out as she burst through the door and into the room, all heads snapping up in her direction. "I am _not_ working with her."

"Well, hello to you to Ash," Francesca said with a smile from her seated position next to the two banes of her existence.

"What is she doing here?" Ashley asked Tom angrily as she pointed to the woman in the chair at the end of the large table, completely ignoring the woman's greeting.

"Well you are contracted to make another album with her," Tom said in his usual cold, professional voice. "And since you refused to do it on the last album, we thought that you could do it on this one."

"Well you thought wrong," she said as she brought her icy gaze to meet eyes with the woman who had destroyed everything. "I'm not working with her."

"Ash…" Francesca began with a soft expression as she stood to meet Ashley's level.

"No," she interrupted with a stern voice. "You don't get to call me Ash. You've ruined my life."

"Now let's not get dramatic Ashley," Tony intervened before adding. "We're all professionals here. We're quite capable of putting the past behind us to do business."

Ashley could only look at Tony with an exasperated expression. "You have no idea what she did to me. What I've been through. I will not work with her."

As she angrily headed for the door to leave the building and possibly the city, she was stopped by a hand gripping her arm. "Ashley, please. Can we just talk about this and try to work something out?"

Ashley's regretful eyes averted around to stare into the hazel eyes of the woman who had messed up almost everything she had worked so hard to have, and all because she had allowed her to. "What will it take to break my contract with you?"

Taken aback by the harsh tone in which she was being spoke to, Francesca was at a loss for words. "Uhh… why would you want to do that?"

"Don't even play with me," Ashley smiled evilly as she jerked her arm out of the woman's embrace. "You know exactly what you did."

"Ashley," Tom began emotionless as usual. "If you don't work with her, not only will you be in breach of your contract with her, but with us as well. We do have final say in whomever you use as a producer."

"That's such bullshit!" She yelled out as she turned to face him. "Because of this woman, I lost my daughter and my wife. You can't possibly expect me to work with her."

Nodding his head as if not listening to a word Ashley was saying, Tony simply replied, "Just take some time and think about it carefully. Have Kyla give us a call when you're ready to preview your demos for us. We can even use your studio if you'd prefer."

Not seeing any choice she had, Ashley's eyes teared up just a tad, unnoticeable to those around her. Shaking her head she looked at everyone, one by one giving them her look of disdain. They owned her for at least one more album. They made that clear. What was she to do? She couldn't afford be sued. She had kept just enough money from the divorce to live on. The rest she had signed over to Spencer.

"This is fucking unbelievable," she said in a low voice before exiting the room and making her way towards the elevator.

Just as she reached out to press the down button, a hand came up and landed on her shoulder. Turning around angrily, she shrugged the hand off and brought her own up to shove the person away.

"Francesca, I swear to everything important, if you don't back off and break our contract," she paused to narrow her eyes, letting the woman know that she was serious. "You will regret it."

"The only thing I regret," she replied with a sad smile as she closed the gap between them and ran her fingers across Ashley's jawline. "Is that your wife didn't see the pictures sooner. We could have been happy together."

"You're so delusional," Ashley said while shaking her head and stepping forward to intimidate the slightly shorter woman, backing her into the wall perpendicular to the elevators. "If you think for one second that I would have left my family that I'm still so in-love with to be with you, you're much worse off than I thought."

"Ashley, I am truly sorry for the way everything turned out. I never meant to hurt you," she pleaded with stray tears falling down her cheeks. "Or your little girl."

"No," Ashley sighed out angrily. "You don't get to speak of her… You dry your pathetic eyes right now. My daughter died and you had a hand in it with all your lies and manipulation. You don't get to cry for me." Ashley's voice faltered as her face was throbbing red, her own tears forming and held in only by her all-consuming rage.

"Ashley, I'm so sorry," she said again while noticing the pain and anguish present in the eyes before her. She shakily brought her hands up, wiping her eyes free of tears. She truly did feel bad that she had taken things a bit too far and it had resulted in the loss of a child. That would live with her forever, weighing heavily on her mind. Not once had she meant to ever hurt Ashley; she had only wanted them to be together.

"Break the contract," Ashley firmly stated, not allowing her weakness to break through. "If you don't I will and then I _will_ruin you." Her voice deep with anger and determination caused the woman before her to visibly shake with fear.

"I will, just…" The woman relented, not able to find her voice.

"No. You know what," Ashley began as she pulled the bag from her shoulder, rummaging through it for a moment. After a few seconds, she pulled out an envelope she had brought just in case this sort of thing occurred. "Here is our contract. We are going back into the meeting room…" She grabbed Francesca's arm and forcefully pulled her down the hall to the door and just before they burst through it, she handed the contract to Francesca and instructed, "Break our agreement in front of everyone there. Get out of my life and let me rest… in pieces."

Francesca could only nod as she swallowed the lump of fear in her throat. Her heart broke as she heard the painful plea from Ashley, knowing in that moment she had only one thing to do. She was only human, and though Ashley would state otherwise, she did have a heart.

Tony and Tom's heads snapped in their direction as they entered the room.

"Well, it's nice to see that the two of you have worked something out," Tom stated cheerfully, though obviously fake.

"Oh, we have," Ashley sarcastically smiled through her anger. "Francesca…"

The woman's hands shook while stretching out and clutching the contract. "This… this is our agreement… and…" She began ripping it in two. "I don't want any more trouble," she stated to Ashley as she looked at the two men, shocked into silence. "I'm breaking our agreement. I no longer wish to work with Ms. Davies." She finished and then proceeded to rip it a second time, tearing it into four pieces.

"There," Ashley stated proudly and confidently, before narrowing her gaze and adding with fearful determination. "I will choose my own producer. I'll have Kyla call you when I'm ready. Once this album is done, then so are we." And with that she exited the tension filled meeting room, smiling the whole way back to the elevators.

"Kyla," She began after dialing her sister's number. "Get your ass over here and pick me up before they begin the witch hunt."

* * *

><p>Once outside of the building, Ashley saw Kyla pull up in her blue Porsche. Her face fell immediately as she thought of her own Porsche she had once owned; though black, it was much like the one Kyla purchased not long ago. She felt sadness overtake her as she thought of how the life of that car had ended, taking another and much more important life with it.<p>

She hurried over to the car and jumped in the passenger seat and sighed before allowing her head to fall back and rest against the seat. "That was so exhausting," she sighed out as her sister pulled away from the curb. "And I'm so paying you back for that."

"I could tell by your voice when you called me to pick you up," Kyla said as she shifted into second. "Wanna talk about it?"

"Yeah," Ashley said before adding in frustration, "I can't believe they thought that I would actually work with her again… After all of that."

"Francesca?" Kyla asked, completely oblivious to their history. Ashley had never found the courage to talk about what had occurred, not even to her own sister. "I don't get what your beef is with her."

Ashley frowned as she thought of how it almost sounded as though Kyla was defending the woman. She couldn't blame her though; she had never told her what had happened. "You know Kyla, there's so much you don't know; so much that I never told you."

"You know you can tell me anything," she sweetly replied as they came to a stop at a light. She glanced over before adding, "You are my favorite sister."

"Yeah," she softly replied as she looked out of the window. It had begun to lightly rain a moment ago and she was focused on watching the raindrops travel down the glass, slowly making pathways of water as they went. Maybe it would help to finally talk about that night with someone. Who better than her sister? "You know what? I'm tired, just drop me off at home and let me crash for a few hours then I'll call you okay? We'll go do lunch or something."

Kyla pursed her lips and looked lovingly at her sister. She hated seeing Ashley so upset and wished she could help. "Sure Ash. Mind if I crash for those few hours on your couch? I don't really feel like driving home." She was not a morning person any more than Ashley; she had only become used to getting up early and taking care of her errands that it seemed to affect her less.

"Yeah," Ashley replied distractedly, still focused on the droplets, her finger bothering to trace one. "That's fine…" she trailed off, allowing them to settle into a comfortable silence.

Moments passed by quietly and as they were mere blocks from Ashley's loft, Kyla began to wonder what could have possibly happened to bring her sister down this much. She had seemed quite happy when she had talked to her before their meeting. What could have happened?

"Ash…" she began before being abruptly cut off.

"I cheated on her," she admitted softly as her tears began to mimic the raindrops.

"On who?" Kyla asked dumbly before inwardly rolling her eyes at herself. There was only one answer to that, as only one person meant enough to Ashley for her to be upset about it.

"Spencer…" Ashley paused as she looked down at her hands, trying to hold in the tears. "I cheated on her with Francesca."

Kyla's eyes popped out of her head and if it hadn't been for Ashley's face at that moment, she might have believed she daydreamed it. Suddenly it all made sense now. It was no wonder that Ashley didn't want to work with the woman; but how did she not know about this before?

"You what?" She asked in disbelief as they came to a stop outside of Ashley's building. It was completely out of character for her sister, and especially for her to do something so horrid of this magnitude to the love of her life. Surely she had heard wrong. Ashley would never in a million years even glance another woman's way. She just had to be hearing things.

"It's true."


	11. Flesh Wounds of the Killing Kind

**Chapter Eleven**

_I promise I won't linger long  
>I promise I won't push my face up against your clothes<br>Or the stupid sheets_

It was a cold and blustery Thursday morning as Spencer sat curled up on the couch in the now hollow mansion she had been stupidly brave enough to return to the previous night. It had been almost instant, after arriving home on this day, the eve of the concert to which she had been invited, that she began to greatly regret the fact that she had left her parents' at all.

Shivering, she lifted a slow, shaky hand and without a second thought, buried her nose and began to inhale the aromatic scent of the soft, plush shirt which she held a firm grip to in her cold hands. The intoxicating smell of Ashley consumed her completely; cutting off all thoughts of the world and everything in it, save for one person. Facing the back of the couch and not bothering to lay her head upon a pillow, she lie in the fetal position and allowed tears to once again take hold of her, burying her face further within the fabric of Ashley's t-shirt, her feet curling themselves up closer to her body.

She had been much too senseless to believe that the week and a half that had passed since Ashley had come for her things had been enough time for her to get over whatever was necessary to be able to return to the place that housed all of her hauntingly painful memories. But no, it was much too soon for that it seemed. The moment she had walked back through the heavy door, it all had thrust itself right upon her like a tidal wave, capsizing her ship of composure. She had immediately lost herself to the sea of tears as she had come to rest on her knees in the foyer, the wood floors now cold and dusty as the life force had been sucked from the dwelling.

For moments afterward, she allowed herself to finally just release all that she had been forcefully holding in while masquerading around happily in front of her parents, who had ardently insisted that she stay for a while longer with the house being put on the market and all. She shouldn't have to stay in a place where possible buyers would be stopping by at any moment's notice, causing her to have to vacate the premises while they toured the property.

But alas, she had turned down their generous offer, needing desperately to break away from the smothering care they were giving her on a constant basis. It wasn't as though they were annoying her per se, just more along the lines of keeping her from outwardly expressing how she was truly feeling, emotions she could no longer hold in. They were constantly at her beck and call, sympathizing with her, as she forced her emotions to stay at bay. She would not, could not allow herself to completely fall apart in front of them. They needed to believe that she was okay, if only so she could learn to believe it herself.

It had been a little over three days since she had last visited Tabitha, and although they had covered quite a bit of ground and brought many issues to light, she still felt as though she were lost among the haziness of her reasons and actions. The more they had talked, the more she had become aware of exactly what she was having problems letting go. Ashley had bailed on her, on their relationship in the darkest of hours for something as meaningless as a tour. That was a hard fact to forgive, in her eyes, but one she wished with all her might that she could have. Though it pained her beyond belief, at the same time, she was quite relieved that it wasn't the accident that she was holding onto, but Ashley's choices in the aftermath. This gave her comfort in knowing that she wasn't blaming Ashley for something that, by its very definition, is an event that happens completely by chance, with no planning or deliberate intent.

How could Ashley be responsible for something that had happened by chance?

Yes, she had played a part in it and it had been a rather _huge_ part; but it had also come down to an unexpected semi-trailer truck just barreling its way through a stop light.

How could she have ever blamed Ashley for that? If anything, she should blame herself for causing the distraction that led them to the imminent doom. If she had not, then maybe Ashley would have seen the truck and been able to avoid it. She was quite a wonderful driver, after all.

Sniffing back her tears a bit, she raised her hand that wasn't clutching the shirt and ran it lingeringly over the back of the couch where Ashley had always rested her head; her fingertips tracing the creases which she imagined still contained loose curls of brown hair. She allowed her eyes to close as she pretended her fingers were running through brown curly locks as they framed a face that held a smile, one only for her. It was a decidedly ugly couch in Spencer's opinion, but how could she have denied those big beautiful brown eyes anything?

With an intake of jagged breath, she closed her eyes as she thought of all of times they had made love on this couch, neither having had the patience nor desire during those times to make it to the bedroom. She could still see the look of unconditional, undying love in desire filled eyes as they stared down from above as _"Are you okay?"_ was whispered with such concern before Ashley would lean down and proceed with passionate care. Goosebumps would erupt on her skin as Ashley's sentiment would flutter her to her very core, their souls melding together in complete bliss. The bliss of knowing that no one could ever touch them in that moment; no one could ever possibly know what it's like to love someone so completely.

As she lied there in Ashley's spot on the couch clutching a tear filled t-shirt, she knew in that moment that she could never again be intimate with anyone, for they would never be Ashley. She could never give herself in that way to anyone again. It may seem a bit naive; but if you've never experienced a love like that, then it would.

"Hey," a voice greeted softly, breaking her from her thoughts.

"I got your message," Jessie said before coming to kneel down behind the broken blonde, seemingly engulfed in the brown cushions on the large couch. "I came as soon as I could." She lightly ran her hand gently over the side of Spencer's face as she stared worriedly at the back of her head.

"What am I doing?" Spencer quietly whispered as she choked out sobs simultaneously. "Please tell me, because I honestly can't remember anymore." She covered her face in the warm, wet shirt as sobs racked through her body, convulsions emanating from within.

"You are lying alone in the dark," she replied slowly in curiosity of why that was.

"No," Spencer negated as she wiped more tears. "I mean, why on Earth did I get divorced? Why is my house up for sale? Why am I alone?"

Jessie sympathized as she sat there on the floor, looking over the blonde and not knowing what to say.

"I'm sorry," Spencer muttered as she shook her head. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't be acting like this. I know why we're doing it and I know that it's a good thing. You need this."

"Spencer, you don't have to be sorry." Jessie sympathetically began as her heart broke for the woman in front of her, knowing exactly what it felt like. She was still in that place herself. The only difference was that she had a better handle on her composure. "We don't have to do this. There are other ways."

"I know there are," she replied as she abruptly sat up and turned to face her. "But they'll take much longer and who knows if they'll even work? I can't lose you too."

"You _didn't _lose Ashley, you know," she paused as she smiled a small closed-mouth smile, reaching her hand out to help dry her friend's tears. "She's still very much here. We're going to her show tomorrow night even… which is weird in its own right. I still can't believe that she invited me. She hates me." She dared a soft chuckle as she wished there was something more she could do to help ease Spencer's pain.

"She doesn't hate you. She only dislikes you because she thinks that we're _together _together," she reasoned as she wiped back her own tears, suddenly able to stop crying now that she was not alone and was granted a distraction. "I hate that I'm hurting her like this."

"I still think that you should tell her…" Jessie began as she moved to sit next to Spencer, her arm wrapping around her back softly. "Even Tabitha does, you said."

"That wouldn't help matters at all," Spencer sternly replied as she shook her head. "No one can know about this until it's all over with. We can't afford it."

"Yeah, but look what it's doing to you," she said sadly as she looked into blue eyes, red from crying for hours. "You've sacrificed everything for me… and honestly, I'm sick about it."

"Jessie," Spencer shook her head as she tried to reason with not only the woman before, but herself as well. "Ashley and I haven't been okay for a while now. It had nothing to do with you. We just aren't right for each other at this point in our lives, no matter how much we love each other. I think we've been through too much to just come back from it. I did what needed to be done; I found the willpower to let her go. Agreeing to marry you only allowed me the means with which to do it."

"If you say so," Jessie replied, unconvinced. Spencer and Ashley were soul mates and no one could deny that. When you love someone that much, there is nothing you can't come back from. "Are you sure that you're not just scared?"

"Scared of what?" Spencer asked with a scrunched brow, confused.

"Of being hurt by Ashley again," she said matter of factly, putting her hands up to stop Spencer's further statement. "Look, I know that you're saying that you can't be with Ashley because you don't want to hurt her with the fact that you can't forgive her for, what she believes is, the accident. But in reality, what you can't forgive is the fact that she left you when you were so broken, which _was_ the dumbest thing to do, by the way. Maybe you're just afraid that if you let her back in, she'll abandon you again at some point."

"I wouldn't be able to take it," Spencer whispered softly through tears, neither agreeing nor disagreeing. "It would kill me. It almost did the first time."

"Look, I'm not defending her at all," she began carefully. "But maybe she really did need that time away. Maybe if she would have stayed things would have turned out much worse."

"How could they have possibly been worse? Please, enlighten me." Spencer laughed angrily in disbelief, not angry with Jessie but angry with the way it panned out. "We're not together anymore. After being together for almost ten years and married for seven, I'm afraid to be with her now. How could it get worse than that?" She finished before beginning to cry again.

"Spencer..." Jessie said softly as she tried to comfort the trembling woman in her arms. "I don't know how... but for every bad outcome, there's always a worse way it could have turned out."

"I can't imagine how it could be worse. I went from a family of three to being single and alone," she leaned back wiping her tears away with Ashley's shirt. "God, look at me," she laughed out pathetically through tears as she held up the shirt for emphasis. "I'm crying into her shirt."

"It's okay," Jessie assured her as she rubbed her back. "You're allowed to. You guys were ripped apart by a traumatic event. Neither of you could have been ready for it."

"Look, I know that you think we shouldn't get married," Spencer began before being interrupted.

"I only think that we shouldn't get married if you're not sure. I don't want to be selfish," she said sadly before looking down to her hands.

"Jessie, it was my idea. How does that make you selfish?" Spencer asked as she shook her head.

"Because you only want to so that you can help me," she said matter of factly before interlacing their fingers. "Which is something you _don't have _to do. I will be fine."

"You need the surgery and possibly treatment afterward. Without insurance how would you get it? Hmm? You won't take the money I offered…"

"Spencer..."

"You've been denied coverage by almost every insurance company in L.A. due to your 'preexisting condition.'" Spencer raised her voice in emphasis, making air quotes with her fingers. "When we're married, my company will not deny you. I made sure of it with my lawyer."

"You don't have to be the good Samaritan," Jessie shook her head as she looked at her hands.

"I _need_ someone to need me, okay?" she finally admitted as more tears surfaced. "When Ashley left for that damned tour, it was clear that she didn't need me anymore. So, please," she pleaded through tears as their eyes met. "Let me do this. What kind of friend would I be if I just sat by and didn't do anything to help you?"

"Yeah, but at what cost?" She tried to reason once more. "I feel guilty."

"My marriage was already teetering on the edge of collapse when you told me you had cancer. Ashley was binge drinking every night and I sat at home alone crying and waiting for the night she didn't come back. You do not need to feel guilty for that," Spencer replied as she looked caringly into her friend's eyes. "There are only two people to blame and you're not one of them," she finished as she took Jessie's face into her hands, making damn sure that she would look her dead in the eyes.

"Just promise me one thing," Jessie said in a stern voice.

"Anything."

"Promise me that when I'm better and all is well, you _will _tell Ashley that you love her," Jessie demanded with her voice not faltering once. "Even if you still don't want to be with her. At least tell her the truth."

Holding in her tears desperately to maintain her composure, Spencer spoke softly, "I will." Agreeing, even if she wasn't sure that she could follow through with it.

* * *

><p>"Come again?" Kyla asked with raised eyebrows as they sat in her car in front of Ashley's building. "You what?"<p>

"I cheated on her," she answered with a little more of a voice this time.

"How could you cheat on her Ash?" Kyla asked with a shocked voice, volume rising by the second.

"Look," Ashley defended with closed eyes. "I didn't exactly cheat on her in the traditional sense; but I might as well have. She thinks I did."

"Umm..." Kyla was completely confused. How do you cheat on someone but not really? "Okay? Explain please?"

"Spencer saw this picture of us," Ashley cringed as she referred to herself and Francesca as an 'us'. "We were apparently sitting on a couch with Francesca in my lap, kissing me with her arms around my head. We weren't exactly clothed completely. I'm not sure how it happened, but she snapped a picture of it."

"Apparently? What, you don't know?" Kyla questioned in disbelieving anger. How could her sister have done such a thing and she not know about it? They hadn't even exited the car; just continued sitting in the parking lot, engine still ablaze.

"I'm honestly not quite sure what I did," Ashley confessed quietly as she tapped her knuckles against her knee. "I don't remember the occurrence; but I know _for a fact _that we did not sleep together."

"What?" She was so far beyond shocked that she wasn't sure she could even think anymore. "Were you on drugs?" That would be the only thing that would make any damn sense.

"Gosh, Kyla, No!" Ashley exclaimed as she shook her head. "I mean... at least… not willingly. All I know is that I woke up the next morning at home, on the floor, and I couldn't remember how I got there. Then a few weeks later I got a text message with that picture in it. The last thing I could remember about it was pushing her away when she kissed me. That's it. Nothing after."

"If you don't remember, then how do know nothing happened?" Kyla inquired further, not quite sure what to make of the confession.

"Well, for one, my feet didn't ache. Every morning without fail they ache because..." she paused, quite embarrassed to admit such a thing, and to her sister no less.

"Oh come on, Ash," Kyla interjected at seeing her hesitancy. "Now is no time to be embarrassed."

"Well, when I have sex, my feet cramp up," she spoke softly as she avoided eye contact. "Every time, like clockwork; and then they ache the next day. Not only that, but nothing on my body felt like it had been..." she paused, her face reddening. "You know, messed with. So I know we didn't. But even though I know, it doesn't matter; it still hurt Spencer just as much."

"Do you think she drugged you?" Kyla asked as this was the only possible way Ashley would have done such a thing. She knew her sister, and nothing meant more to her than Spencer.

"I think she did," Ashley nodded. "But there's no way I can prove it. It was a few weeks before I even realized the night had occurred."

"That vampire bitch," Kyla growled out as she shook her head with her eyes focusing intently on nothing. "Is _that_why she left you?" Even though she had heard Spencer's 'reasons' for divorcing Ashley, she wondered if maybe there was more to it.

"I don't think so," Ashley shook her head as she replied. "I mean, we were together afterward for like a year before she even filed for divorce. I still can't believe she stayed with me. I know why she did, but I didn't expect her to, especially if it made her unhappy."

Still not knowing quite what to say, or even think, Kyla decided upon asking, "So when exactly did all of this happen?"

Ashley's face fell abruptly at the mention of the date. It was a day she never wanted to think about, for her life had begun to tumble downhill then. "It was the night of the crash..."

* * *

><p><em>"Spencer are you going to say anything?" Ashley asked quietly as they drove home in silence, not wanting to wake their daughter who was sleeping peacefully in the backseat. She hated the silence and wanted nothing more than to at least be called names, anything really.<em>

_Sighing, and quite frankly, sick of hearing that question, Spencer replied in a quiet but stern voice. "I have nothing to say."_

_"I know that I'm an idiot," Ashley said as she glanced over at Spencer, hoping for some sort of reaction from the blonde. "I know you're hurt and angry, but I love you more than I love the air in my lungs. And I'm deeply sorry for the way I acted tonight."_

_Swallowing her tears to hide them from Ashley, Spencer turned her face even more to the right to look out the window. She knew in her heart that Ashley was telling the truth. Never had she doubted that Ashley loved her. She never had to._

_"Spencer..." Ashley began again to apologize, but was cut off._

_"I accept your apology," she quietly said through tears. "Now please just..."_

_'Whoohooo... bam bam bam. Dun dun dun dun...' the Donkey Kong sounding ringtone blared its way through the air from Ashley's phone, signaling another incoming text message._

_Ashley's heart sank to the pit of her stomach when she glanced to the screen seeing 'Effy' displayed with 'incoming message.' God, could her night get any worse?_

_Desperately grabbing her phone from the cup holder and pressing view, Ashley feared what was to come as she shockingly looked upon the picture. Thankfully they were at a stop light, so she could focus on deleting the image before it had a chance to show its face to someone else._

_"Oh, you have got to be kidding me!" Spencer stated angrily as she looked at her wife's guilty face, grabbing the phone before the message could be deleted; the message, whatever it was, making Ashley look as white as a ghost. No way was she about to hide this from her, not after tonight._

_"Spencer don't!" Ashley pleaded as she held her grip firm on the phone, playing tug-of-war with her wife. She knew it was desperate and looked guilty, but she didn't care. The image displayed was much worse and would have far worse consequences._

_"Why not Ash?" Spencer asked bitterly as she managed to pull it out of Ashley's grip just a tad, tipping the scales in her favor. "Afraid of what I'll see?"_

_"Spencer, it's nothing..." her voice trailed off as she shut her eyes in fear, bracing herself as she lost the battle and the phone slipped free of her grasp, knowing that what should have been a time of forgiveness and reconciliation was going to end up much, much worse._

_"Oh my God!" Spencer breathed out in disbelieving shock, heartache, and anger. Her hand wasted no time in flying up to her mouth, covering her jaw dropping expression._

_Displayed before her was a woman who was not blonde, and didn't have blue eyes straddling her NAKED wife. Not only was that the case, but they were in what looked to be a very passionate lip lock._

_"You son of a bitch!" She yelled out as her hands collided angrily with Ashley, smacking whatever she could reach from her position across the console. "You lied to me... You're a liar!"_

_"Spencer stop!" Ashley squinted as she held her arms up in a guard, blocking a few of the flying smacks intended for her face. "It's not what it looks like." Quite frankly, she wasn't sure herself what the hell it looked like, but she would never have done it._

_"It never is, Ash," she continued on with gritted teeth, her tears falling freely now. Grasping the phone and facing the image to Ashley she exclaimed, "Is this what you want, Ashley? Hmm?" She began hitting her with the phone, not really to physically hurt her, but more as a release of the pain she was feeling herself._

_"NO!" Ashley screamed out as she lifted her foot off of the brake slightly as the light turned green, a car honking behind them signaling for them to get a move on. "Whatever you're thinking is not what happened. I don't even remember that picture."_

_"Oh that's just great!" She replied with her hands coming to a still and smashing the phone against the dashboard, cracking them both in the process. "You slept with her didn't you?"_

_"I didn't," Ashley roared out. "You have to believe me and calm down," she said as she heard their daughter crying in the backseat. "I would never do that to you. Do you hear me?"_

_"No," Spencer stated firmly as her sobs stilled. "I'm done hearing you."_

_"Spencer, I love you," she cried out as tears slipped from her eyes, noticing her wife's look of utter betrayal. How could she have let this happen?_

_"No!" Spencer cried out as she reached in the back seat to gently sooth her crying daughter. "You don't get to say that to me, Ashley. You cheated on me," she began sobbing once more before bringing her hand up to her face. "You lied."_

_"No... No I didn't... I..." Ashley stuttered before they were suddenly jolted sideways, glass shattering and flying through the air in all directions._

_All at once, time stood still as Ashley glanced over in horror, seeing Spencer jolted to the right, hitting the window, falling unconscious and then subsequently connecting with the air bag._

_Ashley's air bag was suddenly deployed, bursting through the shell of the steering wheel as the sting of the powder met her face with sheer force, busting her lip and throwing her head back violently. She could hear a deathly scream coming from the backseat as their daughter desperately yelled for her mommies._

_Instantly, she feared not for her own life, but for that of her little girl's._

_Ripping her seat belt from around her, Ashley fought against gravity as she forced her way from her seat as the car began to roll up on the driver's side. She was thankful that the hard top had been up, or there would have been no chance of any of them surviving this._

_Her hand gripped around the back of the center console as she clenched her jaw and pulled her way from the front towards the rear of the cockpit; her veins in her arms protruding as her muscles clenched. This would have been an impossible feat had she not been experiencing the adrenaline rush that was currently flowing through her body coupled with her instinctive need to save her child. Her foot made contact with the dashboard as she pushed herself with all her might over the console, the car almost completely upside down by that point._

_Once in the back seat and the car in midair, Ashley watched in horror as Emery was flung upwards thrown through the air, her small head colliding with the rear windshield. Blood splattered its way all over Ashley's face as she desperately gripped the small body in her hands, pulling it close to her and crouching over it, shielding it from further damage as the car continued to flip two more times._

_She clenched her eyelids closed as she waited in agony for the nightmare to be over with._

_A few minutes later, but what felt like a lifetime, sirens were blaring in her ears as she opened her eyes and could make out the horrified voices frantically running around the vehicle, searching for a way to help in any way possible. The air was stale and dusty as she squinted to bring her vision out of its blurriness, glass covering them and stuck all in their hair._

_She could hear Spencer stirring in the front as she suddenly remembered what had happened. Her eyes widened in realization as she frantically searched the small body underneath her, pinned against the roof, the car now upside down._

_"Emery?" she yelled out with teared and bloodshot eyes. "Oh god, baby, hold on. Mama's here, just hang on. Okay?"_

_"Ashley?" Spencer slowly asked, dazed and confused as to what had occurred. She could feel the awful pounding in her head as she slowly brought her hand up to lightly press her fingertips to the blood that trickled down the side of her face. Her hand instantly flew above her, pulled by gravity, and landed on the headliner of the car._

_It was then that she realized they were upside down._

_"Spencer!" Ashley yelled out in panic as the realization hit her that their daughter was unresponsive. "Spencer, she's not moving... She's not moving! HELP! SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!" She cried to any and all that could possibly hear her. Tightly gripping her daughter, Ashley shoved her boot clad foot through the glass in the rear of the car, shattering it creating an exit. Lying on her back, she began to shimmy her way through as she protectively held the tiny figure in her arms, pulling her as she went out._

_A firm hand to her shoulder stalled her movements._

_Looking up, she saw Spencer's hair, covered in bits and pieces of glass with blood-soaked spots. She could feel her body shake with fear as the heaviness of the situation weighted down upon her._

_"Ashley! Oh God! Tell me she's okay," Spencer cried out as she reached for them in the back seat. Her seat belt was not cooperating and was keeping her separated from them, blood rushing to her head. She raised her arm as glass stuck to her skin, cutting her in several spots. Desperately she pulled on the strap as she pleaded with God to let her get to her family._

_"Don't worry honey," Ashley breathed out through pained tears as she shoved her way from the vehicle, optimism taking over. "She's gonna be okay. I just have to get help. Okay?"_

_"God! Don't leave me," Spencer pleaded as she turned in her seat and got a good look at the two of them in the back, her sobs choking out as she saw her daughter. "Oh Ashley, her head is bleeding. You have to get her out of here."_

_"I'm coming back for you, baby," Ashley's eyes met blue ones as she firmly promised, pressing her bloody hand to her wife's face gently._

_Finally able to pull herself from the mangled mess of metal and glass, Ashley grimaced in pain on the way out as she felt something slice through the right side of her abdomen, almost surely cutting deep. Lacking any concern for herself, she pushed herself further out of the vehicle, causing the shard of metal to sharply shove its way in further. The only thing she was worried about was getting her daughter to safety so that she could go back for her wife._

_Coming to stand on dizzying feet, she swayed slightly from the disorient she was feeling. Everything was a blur as she witnessed cops and paramedics alike running up to her and without hesitation she demanded, "This is my daughter. You have to help her. My wife is still in the car."_

_Handing over her child, she turned instantly on her heel and hurried back towards the front of the car, ignoring orders from the authorities to stand back. No one was about to tell her she couldn't help her wife._

_"Spencer?" Ashley yelled out as she approached the passenger door. The vehicle was lying upside down with blood in various places, tainting the once perfect sports car. It was all she could do not to throw up her guts. Wincing at the pain as she heaved, she grasped her side and blood ran down and through her fingers. It was a bad gash; that much was certain._

_Leaning down, she threw her hands in through the now busted out window and began to frantically search for the seat belt latch. Her head came to join her hands inside the vehicle as she came face to face with the battered state of her wife, cuts and redness marring the beauty that is Spencer._

_"Are you okay honey?" She asked as her hands gripped the cold metal of the latch, her fingertips bleeding as she fumbled with it. It was stuck but she was going to get it undone._

_"Ashley, where is she?" Spencer asked frantically as she began to try to help Ashley by pulling on the strap. "Oh God, is she okay?"_

_"I handed her to one of the EMTs. She hit her head," Ashley said softly through tears as she furrowed her brow to focus on the task at hand. "It won't budge," she added through gritted teeth._

_Spencer nodded as only one thing crossed her mind. One hand came up lovingly to caress the cheek of her wife, who had indeed come back for her._

_"Tell me she's alright Ash?" She demanded through coughed out sobs, her ribs slightly in pain from colliding with the armrest on the door._

_"I don't know," Ashley gasped out as the belt swung free. "She's bleeding badly." Her guilt ridden eyes came to meet those staring at her, and for a moment, she could see the blame before she blinked it back and grabbed her wife's arms. "We have to get you out of here. Can you crawl?"_

_Spencer nodded as she turned her body around to crouch upright in the mass that used to be a Porsche. Her Knees suddenly felt glass cutting its way through her dress. She winced in pain and her hands latched onto Ashley's as she allowed the brunette to pull her forward and through the window._

_"Ahh," Spencer cried out in frustration as she was jerked to a halt._

_"What?" Ashley worriedly exclaimed, her eyes widening in curiosity. "What's wrong?"_

_"My foot is stuck," she gritted through teeth as she pulled on her leg._

_Searching the area her leg was trailing to, Ashley reached down with bloody hands and gripped onto the high heeled shoe that was secured around Spencer's ankle, pulling on it forcefully._

_"Ashley, I smell gas," Spencer cried out, knowing what would eventually happen, as she buried her face in the side of Ashley's hair, her arms wrapping around her wife's neck holding her close, fearing that this would be the last time they would see each other. At the same time, many men came rushing towards them, trying to rip Ashley from the vehicle. "Baby, you have to go."_

_"I'm not fucking leaving you here," Ashley firmly stated through gritted teeth as she determinedly tried lifting up on the dashboard to free the foot. "Do you hear me?"_

_"Ma'am, you have to get out of here, this car is going to blow at any minute," the head firefighter yelled out to the brunette, grabbing Ashley's dusty, black panted legs and pulling her out a bit._

_"There's no chance in hell that I'm leaving her here," Ashley fired back as she kicked her legs to free herself, pulling her way toward the constrained foot. Finally, after much struggle with the tight clasp of the shoe, she was able to pull a shoeless foot out from under the crumpled dashboard and Spencer freely lunged forward as they were both drug out, clutching onto each other. For a moment, they both held each other tightly, thankfully, as they stood to their feet and began running for safety._

_Having trouble walking due to her injured foot, Spencer began to fall to the ground; but not before Ashley's strong arms wrapped around her and pulled her up, cradling her as she carried her away from the danger of the car._

_Not a second later, the sports car erupted into a bursting ball of flames, knocking not only the two of them to the ground, but the firefighters as well._

_Spencer allowed herself to sob freely into Ashley's shoulder as soothing circles were drawn across her back, painfully aware of what had almost happened to them . Her fingers gripped brown curls tightly as she felt herself being pulled up to a stance once more. She shifted all of her weight to her good foot as she tightly held Ashley's head in her arms, knowing that she had risked her life to save them all._

_Breaking apart from her wife, Ashley suddenly felt her eyes begin to roll back into her head which was quickly becoming heavy. Her hands began to shake from the chill as her knees started to buckle; the wound in her side beginning to seep enough blood to drain her body._

_"Ashley?" Spencer asked in frantic worry, not knowing what was happening. She had never before seen her wife look as pale as she did in that moment, the life seemingly draining from her at an alarming rate. Her hands quickly flew to Ashley's hips as she desperately tried to steady her on her feet. Her eyes widened instantly in horror as her hand became saturated with a significant amount of blood, fingering the warm liquid with swirling fingertips. She had never seen this much blood in all her life._

_"Spencer," Ashley coughed out as blood shot from her lungs and out of her mouth. "I'm so sorry. I love you so much."_

_"Ashley! Oh God! Don't you dare do this to me," she pleaded as she slowly sank to the ground, cradling Ashley in her arms as she fell unconscious. "Don't you dare leave me like this."_

* * *

><p><em>Many hours later, Ashley found herself standing in the dark hallway of the ICU, clutching her hospital gown and clenching her jaw as she stared in the room that held the lifeless form of her daughter.<em>

_Her fingertips lightly traced over the staples in her side, sixteen to be exact and she felt not an ounce of pain. No. All of her pain was internal and she felt completely hollow and helpless as she watched her wife lean over the bed and gently caress the cheek of their daughter as tears streamed down her bruised face. Ashley felt an all-encompassing, gut wrenching pain as she wondered what she would do with herself if her daughter were to..._

_Shaking her head from the horrid thought, she shifted from one bare cold foot to the next as she slowly made her way through the door of the hospital room, her legs guiding her with no thought at all from her brain. She was on autopilot; and once she had been able to sneak from her room, she pulled her IVs out and immediately made her way through the hospital to where she knew her daughter would be._

_Spencer startled to her feet as she noticed a hunching figure slowly enter the room, and frowned immediately as she realized who it was._

_"Ashley?" She breathed out as she abruptly stood and hobbled over towards the frail, pale form of her wife._

_She felt more tears in her eyes as she realized that Ashley had no color at all, her once red lips were now a dull grayish white with a bloody lump protruding from her bottom one. Her arms looked hauntingly white with blue veins visible through transparent skin. Dark black circles rounded her eyes and her cheeks were sunk in. If she didn't know any better, she would think that she were a walking corpse._

_"Oh God honey, why aren't you in your bed?" Her hands flew up to Ashley's face worriedly, as she brought the guilty browns eyes up to meet her gaze. She could see the guilt that was held in them as she noticed their glazed over appearance. Her heart broke as she knew the amount of mental punishment Ashley would give herself._

_"I just... I had..."Ashley breathily whispered out stuttering statements as her eyes were unblinking, seemingly in shock; her lips barely moving with each passing word._

_When she gazed upon the heart monitor and the other various machines that were pumping life into her beautiful little girl, she felt her knees buckle and, if it weren't for two strong arms, she would have went spilling to the floor in a puddle of hollow suffering._

_"Ash, you really shouldn't be up," Spencer stated caringly as she held her wife up, pulling her to sit in the chair beside the bed. "Babe, you almost died." Her hand came up to caress the cold lifeless cheek of her heroic wife._

_"Is she..." Ashley trailed off, not able to form any complete sentences. "Is she..." she desperately tried once more as her shaky voice faltered, a lump forming in her throat._

_"She's comatose," Spencer choked out, holding one hand up to her throat as the other bent to cross her stomach. "The um… impact of the trauma to her head caused severe swelling and possible brain damage. They say we won't know anything for a while. Only time will tell."_

_"Oh God," Ashley's shaky hand came up to hover above the battered face of their child, hesitant to make contact._

_"They've done everything they could," Spencer forced out softly through sobs as she gently pulled Ashley's hand into her own, needing the contact of her wife to help her say the next bit. "They say the um..." she looked down for a moment before gathering the strength to continue. "They say the odds are against us that she'll pull through."_

_"No," Ashley gasped through a clenched jaw, holding her tears in and shaking her head, bringing her other arm up to rest on the tiny arm in front of her. "What have I done?"_

_"Ashley," Spencer began as she searched her soul for a way to ease her wife's pain, knowing nothing she could say would help. She was inconsolable. They both were. "You did everything you could. If it weren't for you, we would have burned to death inside that car._

_"Everything I could is not enough! If it weren't for me, we wouldn't have crashed at all," she whispered out as tears ran down her cheeks, her eyes falling to the floor with them. "I did this."_

_"You can't think like that," Spencer rebutted as she knelt on the floor in front of her, pushing loose curly locks behind cold blue ears. "Look at me," she forced Ashley's gaze up to meet her own tear filled eyes. "We have to believe that she will be okay. We have to have hope."_

_Nodding, Ashley brought her frail shaky hand up to lightly rest on the face in front of her, tears streaking down her face. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you."_

_"I know," Spencer whispered back as she rested her forehead against Ashley's, their eyes closing the minute they felt contact. Pulling away, she wiped her eyes with her sleeve and added with concern, "I'm so relieved you're okay," she cried out as she took a deep breath, pulling Ashley into a soft passionate kiss as they silently sobbed together. "When I saw that shard of metal in your side and you dropped to the ground, my heart physically hurt. I could feel the pain of losing you. God, you have no idea. I was so scared."_

_"Not as scared as I was when you were stuck in that car," Ashley whispered back as she leaned in for another kiss. "I would die without you."_

_"We have to get you back to your room. You're not even supposed to be up. You just had major surgery," Spencer informed as she brought her hand to tangle in Ashley's hair at the base of her neck._

_"I don't care," Ashley replied as she leaned around Spencer, trembling, to hover over her daughter, kissing her small nose as she sobbed out, "Mama's so sorry, baby. So sorry…"_

_"Come on Ash," Spencer said softly, more tears falling as she rubbed circles on the bent over back of her wife. "You really need to lie down before you bust open your staples. You know, they had to remove your kidney, it was badly damaged. You lost so much blood." She choked out the last sentence with more tears falling._

_"I don't care," she shrugged off the concern for her kidney as she reached up and gently ran her hands over the blonde curly locks of their daughter, her eyes never once looking away from the lifeless child. All she was worried about in that moment was her daughter._

_"I do," Spencer said as she pulled Ashley up gently. "I cannot lose you both."_

_Ashley wiped her tears away and turned her head to look to the pleading face of her wife, "You'll never lose me."_

_"Come on," she said softly as she kissed Ashley on the cheek, her shaky hand lovingly holding her wife's pale cheek._

_Long forgotten was their disagreement from before the accident. That just was not important at the moment, not at all. Spencer had almost been a childless widow; and all the time she had sat in the waiting room, nervously awaiting on pins and needles for news of her loved ones, she was praying for a second chance with them. Another moment to tell them she loved them. Hooking her arm around Ashley's waist, she helped her to her feet and slowly, they made their way back out into the hallway._

_Stopping for one last look through the window to her daughter and raising her hand to barely touch the cold glass, Ashley shuddered at the possibility that she might never wake up. For years she had waited, yearning to have the family she now possessed; and all in the short span of one night and one stupid mistake, it had all but crumbled in front of her. This was a heavy burden of guilt she knew without a doubt that she would carry with her for a long time to come._

_If not forever._

_I'm looking at you through the glass_  
><em>Don't know how much time has passed<em>  
><em>Oh God it feels like forever<em>  
><em>But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home<em>  
><em>Sitting all alone inside your head<em>

A/N: Credit to the song "Sheets" goes to Tegan and Sara  
>Credit to the song "Through Glass" goes to Stone Sour<p> 


	12. From Where You Are

**Chapter Twelve**

_"Ugghrrrnnn," she groaned out loudly through tears and sweat, her hand gripping Ashley's hand tightly as her blonde hair stuck in dark, wet tendrils to the sides of her face._

_"Ahgghhnnnggg." Spencer finished her latest contraction before collapsing back against the bed heavily sighing and gasping for more air. There just didn't seem to be enough in this stuffy little room. Her eyes closed tightly as she wished with all of her might for it to just be over with and to have her daughter in her arms already._

_"That's it honey," Ashley gritted out lovingly through her own pain, wincing as it throbbed up her arm. Since when did Spencer have such a vice like grip? Her now crushed and possibly broken hand came up to gently brush back the loose locks of blonde hair. She was crouching over her exhausted wife and clad in a set of blue hospital scrubs anxiously awaiting the birth of their daughter. Her hair was pinned up in a messy bun underneath a white hair cap with loose curls sticking out; and if Spencer wasn't in so much pain and focused on the thought of her baby, she might have appreciated just how cute Ashley was in that moment._

_"God, you're so beautiful. I love you so much. Do you know that? Do you have an idea how much I love you? The whole world and everything in it could just evaporate tomorrow, but as long as I had you I…" Ashley's nervous ramble was halted when she heard her wife's voice cut through._

_"Please Ashley, just shut up and make it stop," she pleaded through heavily lidded eyes as she tiredly pulled Ashley's face towards her own. Though she felt bad for interrupting what was possible the sweetest thing Ashley could say then, she just needed the pain to go away; and it was in that moment that she greatly regretted not having the epidural. "I can't take it anymore. I'm so tired."_

_"Baby, you're doing so well," Ashley kissed her forehead as she rubbed her hand soothingly over her wife's cheek. "I'm so proud of you."_

_"It appears you're dilated at nine centimeters now Mrs. Davies," The doctor said as she came up to stand by the couple on the opposite side of the bed as Ashley. "It won't be too much longer now and you'll have your baby girl in your arms."_

_Spencer could only glare at the doctor, unimpressed, as she replied, "That's easy for you to say. You're not the one shooting a watermelon out of your vagina." She gritted her teeth as another contraction began. "Ohhhgggg Ashleyyy!" She sat up as she braced herself for the pain. "Unnggghh."_

_"I'm right here honey," Ashley said lovingly as she stroked her hand up and down Spencer's back. "God you're amazing."_

_"You… are ughh… soooo…. having the next one hhggnn," she growled out as she clenched one hand on her belly and the other bunched up the front of Ashley's shirt, forcefully bringing their faces together so that she could speak directly into her wife's eyes. "Do you… aghhnn… hear me?"_

_Ashley's eyes only widened in fear as she could actually feel her heart drop into the pit of her stomach, taking in the emotion present in the blue eyes before her upon hearing this demand. She almost feared for her life. This seemed like way too much pain for anyone to have to endure. Maybe they could just have the one child. She forced a meager smile to her face and tried her hardest to appear happy at the prospect of her carrying their second._

_"Of course, dear." She was released once the contraction subsided and Spencer collapsed back._

_"Is it over with yet?" Spencer breathlessly asked as she once again lay against the hospital pillow before continuing, "Tell me it's over with, doctor."_

_The doctor who was busy standing at the foot of the bed reading off another measurement, could only smile as she thought of how all of the women act during labor. It's as though all logic leaves and there is no more rational thought. Most of them blame the husbands and ask for a divorce. That didn't seem like a possible scenario here, though._

_"You're now at ten centimeters. It's time to begin pushing," she said with a faint smile, unsure of whether or not the blonde in the bed would appreciate much more._

_"Did you hear that Spence?" Ashley asked with glowing eyes and a small smile, her heart beginning to flutter. "It's time to push!"_

_"I'm not deaf Ashley," she replied almost angrily with a less than thrilled expression. "I'm just savoring this last moment of calm before I die from the pain…" She trailed off as her latest contraction began. "Uggghhnnnn." Taking Ashley's hand, she once again squeezed, causing Ashley to buckle at the knees slightly and almost faint from the added pain to her already traumatized hand._

_"This time, I need you push as hard as you can Mrs. Davies," the doctor said sternly as she came to stand next to the bed. The nurses flocked in to assist at the foot of the bed, helping the doctor in any way they could, all clad in the same attire as Ashley. It was like a trio of the Blue Man Group._

_Ashley readied the video camera in her free, painless hand as she pushed the record button, successfully capturing the moments before their daughter would arrive. She brought the camera up to point at Spencer as the blonde sat up, spread eagle, clenching in pain._

_"Ashley, I swear…. Ughhh…. To God," She gritted out with a death glare shooting towards her wife. "Get that thing out of my…. Unanggghhhh facceeee!" She managed to scream out the last bit. "Ohh goddhhhhgg!"_

_"Come on baby," Ashley supported as she immediately focused the camera elsewhere. "You can do it. Just push."_

_"I am pushing!" She yelled out as she clenched her eyes shut, groaning loudly in more pain. "Aggghhhhh." She pushed with all of her might, her teeth gritted and hands tightly gripping the bed and Ashley, until she could no longer breathe, collapsing against the bed once more breathlessly exhausted. "I can't… I can't… it's too much." She breathed out, panting in an almost whisper, her breaths almost not coming at all._

_"You're the strongest person I know Spencer," Ashley said lovingly as she stroked her hand across her wife's forehead, moving locks of hair away._

_"I don't feel very strong," she gasped out as she sat up in pain once more, shaking her head as sweat droplets trickled down to land on the hospital gown. "I have no more energy."_

_Ashley wasted no time in pulling the pillows up with her camera free hand to arrange them more comfortably behind Spencer's back. "I know you can do this baby. You just have to push again okay." She could see the hesitation and fear in the blue eyes that were pleading up to her, begging to save her . "It's going to be okay, I promise. I'm right here… forever." She once again took Spencer's hand in her own, hoping to instill some of her strength within her wife._

_Spencer nodded as she reluctantly braced herself to begin pushing again, taking her newfound strength from her beautiful wife who she knew would never abandon her. With a deep breath and a loving glance, she pushed again with all of her might. "Aaagahhhhhnnn."_

_"That's it baby, keep pushing," Ashley encouraged while pointing the camera towards the nurses and the doctors at the foot of the bed. She winced as the pain in her hand began to shoot up her arm and throb, but she shrugged it off. There was something much more important happening at the moment and she had to remain strong._

_"I see the head," one nurse exclaimed as her expression was covered by the mask she was wearing._

_"Keep pushing Mrs. Davies, the head is almost out then it's smooth sailing," the doctor said softly with concern lacing her voice. It humbled her to be able to be a part of one of life's most precious moments and she was so grateful that the couple had chosen her. She was, after all, a fan of Ashley's; but nonetheless, she remained professional to the utmost degree._

_"Ohhh godddghhhh…." Spencer continued to groan in pain as she took a breath and pushed even harder than before. It escaped her mind how that was even possible, taking everything within her not to pass out from the pain. "Aaahhggggnnnnn."_

_"You're doing so wonderful honey," Ashley said as tears began to form in her eyes as the emotions of the moment began to overtake her, the video camera remaining focused on the spot where the baby was sure to arrive soon._

_"One more push should do it," the doctor said as she readied her glove clad hands between Spencer's legs._

_Spencer used her hand that had been tightly gripping Ashley's to force the camera towards her own face for a moment to say into the camera, "Mommy loves you angel." Then she tilted it back and pushed once again gritting in pain through a clenched jaw._

_All at once, time faded away as a shrill crying broke out through the atmosphere of the hospital room. Spencer collapsed breathlessly against the pillows for the final time, passing out momentarily from the pain, as Ashley's eyes flooded with tears and the doctor proudly said, "Congratulations on your baby girl!"_

_Bringing the crying and placenta covered baby up from obscurity, one of the nurses looked to Ashley and asked with a smile, "Would you like to cut the cord?"_

_Ashley hesitated for a moment as her teary eyes focused on the sight of her daughter for the very first time. All of the feelings that she had before imagined having, paled in comparison to those that she was actually experiencing in that moment. Nothing could have prepared her for this feeling. It was as though all of the stars aligned and the world came together as one; and it all made sense for the very first time. There were truly no words to describe it. Everything in her life up to that moment made sense; all of the decisions she had ever made and the mistakes too, had all been for this._

_She broke herself from her trance and nodded as the nurse handed her the snips, waiting with a shaky hand for the umbilical cord to be clamped before bringing them up and cutting the cord. One of the nurses had generously offered to hold the camera so that Ashley could focus on the task at hand and the moment could still be captured._

_"She's so beautiful," Ashley heard Spencer tiredly whisper out as she watched the other nurse clean her daughter up and wrap her in a soft clean pink blanket. She turned towards her wife, quickly kneeling down and caressing her cheek._

_"Are you okay honey?" Ashley asked with concern. "You passed out for a moment."_

_"Yeah," Spencer smiled softy, bringing her hand up to Ashley's cheek as she watched brown eyes close in contentment at the touch. "I'm okay."_

_"I love you so much," Ashley breathed out through tears as she kissed her wife lovingly. "God, you'll never know how much." She leaned in and kissed her once more as tears fell from both sets of eyes._

_"Would you like to hold her now?" The doctor asked with a smile, breaking the two apart from their kiss reluctantly._

_"Of course," Ashley replied as Spencer nodded and moved to sit up straighter in the bed, shifting sideways a bit to make room for her wife and child._

_Ashley watched with wide eyes as her daughter was handed over to her, her shaky hands becoming still the moment she fully held her. It was as though her instincts overtook and a new sense of strength coursed through her veins as she cradled the baby in her hands. She was sure in that moment, as she glanced down upon her new daughter, that she felt her heart stop and she released a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. She instantly moved to half lie and half sit beside Spencer, snuggling comfortably on the hospital bed, bringing the baby girl to cuddle softly between them as their shoulders rested against one another._

_Spencer leaned down and placed a gentle kiss to the small forehead as she looked up to Ashley and said, "It was all worth it. Ash, she's so precious."_

_The doctor and nurses immediately cleared out of the room to give the three some privacy._

_"We'll back in a little while to check up on Mother and Baby," the doctor winked as she exited the room, pulling the door closed behind her._

_They watched in amazement as tiny fists moved about in the air and bubbles were blown from tiny lips, their hearts fluttering with adoration of each action from their daughter. Small noises were made which caused the new mommies to smile proudly and eyes to tear up._

_"God, she's so little," Ashley breathed out quietly through tears, almost afraid to talk and ruin the moment. Her finger came up to lightly trace the small button nose, winding its way down and finally gripping a tiny foot. "Thank you so much, Honey," she cried out as she turned and kissed Spencer's cheek lingeringly._

_Spencer allowed her head to tilt and rest against Ashley's as she too whispered, "I can't believe she's finally here." Her finger traced patterns on the tiny exposed ear which stuck out from the small pink head cap that one of the nurses had adorned her with. "She's so perfect, Ash."_

_"God, you were amazing Spence," Ashley said proudly as more tears threatened their way from her eyelids. "I'm even more in love with you than I was before… if that's even at all possible." She looked deeply into blue eyes as their lips touched, Spencer's hand coming up to pull Ashley's head closer. Ashley accepted the kiss lovingly as she cradled their baby in her arms._

_As they broke apart, they both glanced down at just the right moment to witness beautiful blue eyes blinking open and looking up at them for almost a split second before shutting again. Spencer smiled through tears as Ashley allowed a gasp to escape her, feeling her heart once again stop beating. If they had kissed any longer, they would have missed seeing their daughter's eyes for the very first time. It was a moment that was meant to be so very perfect._

_"Her eyes are so beautiful Ash," Spencer whispered in amazement through tears as her finger lightly traced the faint eyebrows above the small closed eyes._

_"Well they should be," Ashley said matter of factly as she looked to Spencer, "They're blue, just like yours."_

_"Almost all babies are born with blue eyes," Spencer teased as Ashley began shaking her head._

_"Not that blue," she rebutted before realizing something important. "So what are we going to name her?"_

_"Oh gosh," Spencer said in harsh realization, the smile suddenly absent from her face. "I don't even know. All of the names we had picked out just don't seem to fit, you know?"_

_Ashley nodded with a serious expression as she swallowed, scrunching her forehead in contemplation. "Well, why don't we give it some time and see what comes naturally, okay?"_

_"Yeah," she agreed before adding, "But I do want her to share your middle name." She brought the hand that had been draped over Ashley's shoulders to gently run along her wife's strong cheek and jaw._

_"Elizabeth?" Ashley winced as she thought of the awful name. "I always hated that name."_

_"I love it," Spencer softly pouted as she looked into the brown eyes before her. "And I love you."_

_"Okay fine," Ashley gave in after a few moments' hesitation upon realizing she could deny her wife nothing. "But only as a middle name. I wouldn't wish that as a first name on anyone. Then they would just end up being called Beth or Betty and that just sounds like a name for an old cow."_

_"You're so weird," Spencer scrunched her nose as she chuckled, bringing her gaze down to their baby girl. "Now what should we call you little one? Huh?" She cooed in a soft voice as she brought her nose down to snuggle against the smaller one._

_"You're right though, Emery…" Ashley yawned in agreement as her exhaustion began to make its presence known. "I mean… Every name we had picked out is sort of generic. We could always…"_

_"Wait," Spencer held up her hand in an attempt to stop any further statements from her wife. "What did you say?" She had heard something that stuck out and had momentarily sounded just the right amount of perfect._

_"I said," Ashley began in confusion, her brows scrunching. "Every name we had…"_

_"No, no," she interrupted once more. "You said Emery."_

_"Well I meant to say every," she shook her head and inwardly laughed at her flub. "It just came out wrong because I yawned."_

_"Emery… Emery Elizabeth Davies," Spencer proudly said with a smile, loving the sound of it already. She looked down to the little face before her and thought of how perfect it truly was._

_"No!" Ashley exclaimed in horror, scoffing at the idea. "We are not naming our daughter after a mispronounced word that I stupidly said."_

_"Well don't think of it that way Ash," Spencer pleaded before bringing their daughter up to look more directly on her face. "Just think of it as something you said that just happened to be cute and different and… fit her more perfectly than Alexis or Mallory or even Jocelyn. I mean how many Emery's do you know of?"_

_"None…" Ashley said slowly with raised eyebrows before knowing without a doubt she would lose this battle. "Because it's not even a name!"_

_"And we could call her Emy for short. How cute is that?" She exclaimed in almost a squeal with a glowing smile. "Awww. Ash and Emy." She said happily as she looked at her two girls cuddled up beside her._

_"Couldn't we just name her Emily, then?" Ashley asked in a last ditch attempt, even though she knew that Emery had already won._

_"No! Gosh Ashley, that's so old fashioned," Spencer scoffed as she looked into the contemplative brown eyes once more. "Do you really hate it?"_

_Ashley clenched her jaw as she brought her eyes to focus on the blue ones pleading with her. She took a moment to waver the name in her mind before reluctantly admitting with a defeated sigh, "No, I don't hate it." She then looked to the little bundle in her hands and cooed, "What do you think small one? Do you feel like an Emery?"_

_They both watched mesmerized by a tiny smile that made its way onto the small face before them causing the cutest set of dimples to form. Small dry lips turned upwards as toothless gums shown through and a small gurgle was the only sound in the room. It was to them, without a doubt, the eighth wonder of the world. Nothing or no one could ever compare to the smile of their newborn child._

_"Did you see that Ash?" Spencer gasped in amazement. "She smiled! Awww. She loves it and it seems she loves your voice too." She leaned up and placed a lingering kiss to Ashley's cheek. "Almost as much as I do," she finished with a yawn breaking through her smile._

_"You should get some sleep baby," Ashley said concernedly, kissing her wife's forehead. "You just spent twenty hours giving birth."_

_"What about you?" Spencer asked as she glanced between Ashley and Emery, her hand gently stroking Ashley's cheek. "Will you stay with me?"_

_"Of course I will, always," She said softly as she smiled at the baby in her arms before meeting Spencer's gaze once more. "But I couldn't sleep right now even if I wanted to."_

_She watched her daughter intently as Spencer shifted down the bed to relax and lie against her. It wasn't too long after that she noticed Spencer was asleep, the steadying of breaths and stillness of her movements confirming it. Ashley could only smile as a few tears rolled down her cheeks. She had everything in the world that she could ever possibly want. The heaviness of the realization bringing tears to her eyes as she wondered what on Earth she had done to deserve it. Whatever the case may be, she thanked all of the stars in the sky and silently vowed to do whatever possible to protect her family, at any and all costs._

_Her eyes then landed on her daughter's dimples as she watched the small face contort and change shape much like babies tend to do. She could feel the tightening in her chest as she felt a tiny hand wrap itself around her heart. Wasting no time, softly whispered, "You have all of my heart little Emy, you and your mother. No matter where you go in the world or what you do, I will always be there for you. Never ever doubt that. You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in this world."_

* * *

><p>"I'll never forget the first time I held my daughter in my arms," Ashley softly confessed with a faraway look as her eyes shifted out of focus. She was heavily thinking back on the time she had felt the most alive. "I don't think anyone can forget moments like that. They take your breath away. It was the first time I realized that I had a actual purpose in life; that I was here for a much bigger reason than just singing songs." She averted her eyes downward and watched her hands shift the coffee around in the cup in a circular motion.<p>

"Children are the most beautiful gift," a woman, almost forty, stated with regretfully sad eyes as Ashley nodded her head in agreement. She had a kind voice about her, but Ashley remembered hearing her confessions of child abuse while being under the influence. She had lost her children during her haze of being strung out and once she was clean, had been doing everything she could to get them back. It was commendable to try to turn your life around, but Ashley could never understand how anyone could treat a child that way. It sickened her.

"I never thought that I was someone who could be a good parent," Ashley shrugged as her lips curled up into a sarcastic smile, though she was anything but happy thinking back on it all.

She had skipped her AA meeting last week and its absence had been largely felt as these were really the only times she could talk about what bothered her or how she was feeling and not be judged. "I never really had much of an example to look up to when I was growing up. My dad took off when I was seven and my mother never really paid much attention to the fact that she _was_a mother, or paid attention to me for that matter."

"See," a younger guy gritted out in emphasis as he nervously twitched in his seat, gripping his knees and leaning forward. He was definitely going through some sort of withdrawal. "Parents suck! That's why everyone is fucked up."

"No," Ashley's serious eyes shot to him immediately, challenging him to change his words as her voice became stern. "They don't. Not always. My wife… ex-wife is, was the most loving and careful mother in the world. It's something that just came naturally to her… even though her parents were and always will be amazing role models. When I married her they really showed me what it's like to _be_a part of a family and to have people to go to in a time of need. They became my parents too, so to speak. So I won't let you sit there and say that parents suck because there are those that definitely don't."

"And what about you Ashley?" Juliet, the older group leader asked. "What kind of a parent are you?" She was blonde and quite beautiful, not looking a day over 35. She always spoke so warmly to them as though she loved each and every one of them deeply, caring about what they had to go through. And maybe she actually did.

"I…" Ashley paused as she searched her brain for an answer. "I don't know. I tried so hard to be everything that I needed to be for my little girl. Everything that my mother was, I tried to be the exact opposite. It wasn't enough though, you know?"

"I'm sure that it was. What happened was an accident and no amount of good parenting could have prevented it."

"I know that or at least I should; but as a parent, you always feel like there's something more you could have done when your child has been hurt. It's irrational but it's a real feeling. It's been a year and a half since it happened and I wonder if it will ever get any easier," she whispers with a lone tear escaping and running down her cheek.

"The pain will never go away, honey," a big strong man said in his very sensitive and caring voice. "But it does get easier." Ashley did believe him after having had the experience of listening to him talk about the death of his little brother who was fourteen years younger and still only a child at the time.

"I guess what bothers me is that maybe things would already be easier if I hadn't shut her out you know? I pushed her away instead of allowing us to be there for each other and go through the pain together," she regrettably said as she shook her head at the memory of her actions. "Maybe everything would be different if I hadn't been a coward."

"Maybe," Juliet replied in agreement. "But you dealt with things the only way you knew how."

"Is that really true?" Ashley asked with a clenched jaw. "Or is that what I am supposed to tell myself so that I can feel better about it?"

"I don't think that it's about feeling better Ashley," she replied as she looked at Ashley with genuine concern. "I think it's about accepting what's happened and learning from it. Now is the time when you look back and recognize what went wrong and use those experiences to grow."

"I understand that," Ashley nodded as she sipped her cold coffee again, slightly wincing from the taste. "And I don't blame myself for the accident anymore, like I used to. The man ran the stop light; that much was out of my control."

"That is so good to hear you finally say dear," an older, grandmotherly woman said warmly. "You've been way too hard on yourself since you've been coming here..."

Ashley smiled and released a small sigh as her shoulders slumped. "Thank you."

"But you still seem weighted down by something," she continued as she noticed the sullen look still present in the brunette's eyes. "What else is bothering you?"

Ashley hesitated for only a moment before shaking her hesitation away and decided on full disclosure. "It's just that… I've learned so much about myself since it all happened; and I feel like I've grown so much, but…"

They all waited patiently for her to continue, some even on the edge of their seats. It was a group unlike most, the people really involving themselves within each other's therapy.

"How am I supposed to right my wrongs when all that I had is gone?" She finished with an exasperated sigh. "My daughter is gone… my wife left me… even the damn goldfish died! Nothing is the same and I just feel so defeated. Our house is up for sale. She's getting remarried and they're moving to New York to work on a TV show together... I mean… How am I supposed to learn from my mistakes and fix it all when there is nothing left to fix?" Her eyes had finally unloaded the tears she had been trying so hard to contain. They weren't large tears and there weren't many, but they were significant. "It's all gone."

"Try to think of your life as a house," Juliet suggested, much to the confusion of many of the younger people in the circle. "Your 'house'," she emphasized with air quotes. "Was traumatically burned down." Ashley nodded but remained silent as she allowed the words to sink in. "Your walls have fallen, your windows have busted out, and even your carpets have gone up in flames…"

Ashley was squinting her eyes in slow realization as, suddenly, everything this woman was saying had begun making sense to her. It was the perfect metaphor for her life, which had almost literally burned down completely inside a mangled black Porsche. She silently nodded to urge the leader to continue, quite curious to hear how to rebuild her 'house'.

"But no amount of flames could destroy your foundation. Your house is gone, but the stone and cement of your foundation is still holding fast. Everything else can be rebuilt," Juliet smiled with hope for the brunette. "The question you must answer now is: What aspect of your life is your foundation? What gives you strength?"

Ashley once again sat in silence as she played through each and every thing in her head, searching for the only answer that she knew without a doubt could fit the role of her foundation.

"What is the one thing that you still have that everything else can build from?" She prompted slowly as she willed her voice to jar the answer in Ashley's head. "What holds your 'house' up?"

"Our friendship," Ashley spoke quietly as the answer made itself abundantly clear, her eyes zoning in on the floor in front of her. "Spencer… I still have our friendship," She repeated with her eyes lighting up even though her mouth refused to smile. She would smile when she had more than a friendship. "She's even coming to my show tonight… with her fiancé." Her face fell slightly at the last mention.

"See, you have something to build from," Juliet smiled as she encouraged the younger girl. "You will build new walls, insert new windows, and lay new carpet… And when all is said and done, you will have a new roof that can withstand even the strongest of weather; because it was built with all of the faults of the last roof in mind."

"I don't understand though," Ashley began, slightly angry as her voice raised a little in volume. "How can I have a roof, when she is building a new roof with someone else? I mean they're getting married!" As she finished her yelling rant, she realized that she was standing, at that moment, and readjusted herself to sit once more. "I'm sorry… I just… She doesn't love me anymore."

"I don't believe that Ashley," Juliet argued with a headshake. "No one goes through what you two have, all of the happy times and all of the bad, without loving the other _more_. I don't believe she's not still in love with you. I don't and I don't think you really do either."

"But why would she say that?" Ashley finally spoke after several moments of weighing the statement in her mind. "Why would she agree to marry someone else?"

"Maybe she's just scared. Maybe she knows that no one can make her happier than you; but also that no one can hurt her as much as you can. It's that last bit that she is focusing on to protect herself," she finished with a small shoulder shrug. "You did say that you hurt her an awful lot." Ashley nodded and Juliet continued. "Maybe she's afraid the next time will be too much to take, so she broke it off and left to protect herself."

"But I would never cheat on her again," Ashley shook her head as her eyebrows scrunched in confusion. "That was the single stupidest, most idiotic thing I've ever done. I mean, she has to know that right?"

"Maybe it isn't the cheating she's afraid of."

The last words rang out much too true for Ashley. That had to be it. It wasn't the cheating; Spencer had forgiven her for that. She'd also forgiven her for the accident, so that wasn't it either. There had to be something else that was forcing Spencer to keep her at arms' length; something Ashley had been overlooking. Juliet was right about one thing though, she didn't believe that Spencer wasn't in love with her anymore; not after thinking about it all and remembering how she kissed her back in the elevator mere minutes after finalizing their divorce. She was a fool to have believed it in the first place for even a second.

"I'll just have to figure out what it is then," Ashley replied with newfound determination. She was going to build her house.

Standing up, she reached into her pocket to pull out a long envelope. "Here," she said, handing it to the group leader. "These are tickets to my show tonight. You're all invited." She said the last line as she looked around to the group of people smiling back. "I hope you can make it."

"Why thank you Ashley," the grandmotherly woman said in the midst of more 'thank yous' from the others.

"It's no big deal," Ashley shrugged it off. "You've all helped me so much. It's my way of saying thanks." And with that, she turned on her heel and left the meeting room, tossing her coffee cup in the trash on the way out.

* * *

><p>Spencer fidgeted nervously on the couch as she waited for her friend to emerge from the bathroom. Tonight was Ashley's show and she was a bit on edge to be seeing her again, especially after all that she had realized in her last therapy session. She had been holding blame towards Ashley not for the accident which would be completely irrational, but for how she had abandoned her after their daughter's death. That was something she needed to work towards forgiving if they were ever going to be anything to each other.<p>

She had filed for divorce and had ended their marriage because she thought she was being unfair to Ashley by blaming her for something she could not control, something she thought she would never get over. However, as she sat there thinking about it, she knew that it just wasn't the case anymore. She'd had a stark realization with Tabitha, a breakthrough, and now she knew that it was possible to forgive Ashley because she was blaming her for something else that made it entirely justifiable.

"Jessie? Are you almost done?" Spencer asked as she rounded the corner of the hallway.

They had less than thirty minutes to get to the club for Ashley's show and boy was she antsy. She had been to many shows in the past, usually joining Ashley on tour and watching from the side of the stage at the mixing board. But this was the first she would attend since before the accident and all of the Francesca drama. It had been a while since they had been at a place where Ashley felt comfortable having her there and she felt comfortable going.

"Just a second," she heard a voice mumble from behind the door of bathroom.

She smoothed out the front of her flowing green top as she nervously waited, wondering if she looked okay or if maybe the makeup was a bit much. After a few moments and a toilet flush, Spencer was face to face with a pajama clad and disheveled looking woman.

"Jessie! What are you doing?" She frantically asked as she took in the appearance of her friend. "We have to leave like ASAP!"

"Yeah I know," Jessie just shrugged as she moved to walk passed Spencer in the hallway. "I'm not going with you."

"What? Why?" She asked, completely flabbergasted.

"Because I think that it wouldn't be fair for her to see you with me. That's all," she shrugged as she continued walking away. "Your mom is meeting you there though. I gave her my ticket last night after you fell asleep. She came over to see how you were but didn't want to wake you, so we chatted for a while."

Spencer quickly followed Jessie into the living room of the large mansion. Last night had been a rather rough night, consisting of her crying for hours while sniffing Ashley's things and venting her heart out to her friend, one who had been more than understanding. Sleeping had been the hardest part though. Once she had finally managed to fall into a comfortable slumber, much to the surprise of her tears and broken heart, she had the most wonderful dreams of a life that was and one that could have been. A life with Ashley and Emery. It was in the wee hours of the morning, around 4:30 that she had awoken in a sweat and proceeded to cry herself back to sleep.

"Why would you do that?" She asked, once she had joined Jessie to sit on the couch. She was neither mad nor happy, only confused.

"Well after a long talk with your mother last night, we think that it would be good for you to meet up with Ashley backstage… and alone… to talk," she answered matter of factly. "Your ticket does include the VIP pass; and how awkward would it be if I were there, especially considering that Ashley thinks that I stole you from her?"

Spencer could only hold her mouth agape as the shock settled. She was being set up to meet with Ashley alone backstage. Could she handle it? Her heart began to race at the thought and her throat was becoming uncomfortably dry almost to the point of pain. Why would this be so hard? She had been alone with Ashley at the cemetery and they had managed to hold conversation... and each other. Oh, who was she kidding? This would be hard because now she knew why she was having such a hard time with forgiveness. Now she actually had something to say to her.

"You need to talk to her Spence," Jessie added before continuing. "It will only get harder the longer you wait."

"No," Spencer interrupted, shaking her head adamantly and closing her eyes. "I can't."

"You told me that you two decided to remain friends," she said persuasively as Spencer nodded in agreement. "Well, friends talk. And you need to open up to her and be honest about why things ended like they did. How else is she supposed to know the real reason that you left her? It wasn't because of me, like she thinks. She deserves to know how badly she hurt you when she left, if only so she can give you the apology you never got. The apology you need even if you don't realize you do."

"But what if she isn't sorry?" Spencer asked as tears formed. "God, that scares me so much. She never once acted like she regretted leaving for that tour and leaving me the way she did. Not once! She tore my heart in two and it hurts so much to think that she might not be sorry and doesn't regret it." She finished as she wiped the few tears away that had escaped. "She needed the escape… but I only needed _her_."

"I'm sure she does regret it, Spence," Jessie replied while caringly stroking her friend's back. "But it's still a conversation you two need to have. She needs to know how much she hurt you." Spencer nodded reluctantly. "And when you're ready, you need to tell her the truth about us."

Spencer sighed as she knew that her friend was right. Ashley did need to know about their 'marriage'; but what scared her most was revealing her heart and soul to Ashley and all of the pain she felt, only to find out that, in deed, Ashley wasn't sorry that she did what she did. That she was glad for the time away from her heart broken wife who was left to cry alone in the dark. It would be like she didn't care that she hurt her.

"I can't do it," she sighed out through tears once more.

"Yes you can," Jessie replied with a firm voice. "Because it is important… and do you know why it is important?" She paused as Spencer stared at her in curiosity. "Because you need the closure if you don't want to be with her anymore."

Spencer let Jessie words of wisdom sink in as she fully understood her. It actually made sense after thinking about it. How could someone move on without closure? It was a necessary step in any healing process. It wasn't that she wanted to move on to other people, it was much too soon for that even if she could. But how were they supposed to move on with each other as friends and be there for each other in whatever way they could if she couldn't get over what Ashley had done.

They had agreed to remain in each other's lives and how could this happen if every time she was around Ashley she felt herself being reminded of the pain she had caused her? She needed Ashley's apology and she needed to know that Ashley regretted hurting her. It had been the most painful period of her life and Ashley had just left her to it, never apologizing and ultimately breaking her trust. It had altered her view of Ashley from someone who would never hurt her, to someone who could break her completely. She had trusted Ashley to forever be there for her and never once did she think she would let her down like that. She wanted to be able to rebuild that trust and how could she without closure? Jessie was right. She needed to confront Ashley in order to begin the first steps in the healing process.

"Well, I better go meet up with Mom then," Spencer sighed as she hugged her friend goodbye. "You know how she is when left alone in crowds."

Jessie chuckled as she saw a small smile form on her friend's face. It was a nice thing to see as she had feared it would never surface again after last night. "Yeah… is it okay if I stick around here. I'm not feeling too good."

"What's wrong?" Spencer asked as her worry mounted immediately. "Should I stay home?"

"God, no!" Jessie laughed out. "It's just a small headache. I'll probably just take a nap."

"Okay… if you're sure," she replied even though she felt like she should stay home.

"Yeah, go have fun," she said to Spencer with a smile before adding seriously. "And just talk to her Spence. It's Ashley."

Spencer nodded again as she stood up to grab her clutch off of the end table adjacent to the couch. True, it was Ashley, but that's what made her all the more nervous. Ashley held her broken heart in the palm of her hand and one more letdown could crush it, could end her.

"Thanks for the push, Jess."

"Not a problem."

"And thanks for staying here last night," She said again but more seriously. "I don't think I could have stayed here alone again."

"That's what friends are for Spence," Jessie hugged her once more and kissed her forehead. "Now go!" She pushed a chuckling Spencer out the front door.

As she exited the mansion, her heart began racing and pounding its way from her chest. How could she find the courage to talk to Ashley about how she truly felt? She had become so good at lying about it and covering up her own feelings to avoid even more letdown. There was always the possibility that Ashley wouldn't regret something that had broken her heart so much. How could she cope with that?

She had been waiting and waiting, patiently waiting for Ashley to conjure up her own apology and show any signs of remorse. Spencer reasoned that when you love someone and you hurt them, you feel regret and sorrow. Yet, so far Ashley hadn't shown it and that had hurt almost as much. When she had returned from the tour it was as though she began avoiding Spencer altogether, throwing herself into drinking and work. Ashley was aware that she had upset her by leaving but made no moves to show it. Spencer had pleaded and begged for her wife to just stay home and cancel the tour, needing her so much during that time that it had killed her to watch her wife just up and leave in the way she had, leaving her to deal with the death of their child on her own. Ashley had barely stuck around for the funeral service and even then had been distant and withdrawing, not allowing Spencer to comfort her or even touch her most of the time. It was heartbreaking to say the least.

As she hopped into her car and started up the engine, she reasoned that maybe Ashley just didn't know how to handle it all. People deal with death in many ways and Ashley had chosen the path of least resistance, the path that allowed her to avoid reality. It was selfish, Spencer admitted, but such a human action; one which could be forgiven if only Ashley would make the effort to apologize and mean it.

_Yes, it could be forgiven!_

As long as Ashley felt bad about it and knew that it had been the wrong decision. Spencer could never fully trust Ashley again unless she was certain, without a doubt, that she would never hurt her like that ever again. They needed to be able to trust each other and move on from the past even if they weren't going to move on together.

* * *

><p>"SPENCE!" She heard her mom yell out as she turned, catching a view of a frantically waving arm sticking up from an older blonde woman. "OVER HERE!"<p>

With a sigh and an almost embarrassed smile at her mother's excitement, Spencer began making her way towards the arm as she was knocked into and elbowed several times. It sure was a tight squeeze, almost body to body. There were so many people here; the place was packed. You couldn't get another person inside without a shoehorn. But that was an Ashley Davies concert for you. It was even more chaotic than most shows, being that it was a smaller club show rather than a stadium or an arena. It was much more intimate, making it much more desirable.

"Need an escort?" A man's voice uttered almost next to her ear. It startled her for a moment until she turned around and caught sight of who it was, immediately smiling warmly.

"Aiden!" She exclaimed as she threw her arms around the tall and well-built guy. They had always been such good friends for as long as she could remember. He had worked as head of security for Ashley at all of her shows since the beginning, traveling with her everywhere and taking his job very seriously. He was the closest thing Ashley had to a brother and Spencer knew that she needed that connection.

"Hey Spence," Aiden replied with equal enthusiasm as they parted. "Long time no see."

"I know. Gosh," she said with an exasperated sigh. "It's been what? Almost two years?"

"Way too long if you ask me. It's good to see you again," he said, hugging her tightly once more. "Ashley asked me to keep an eye out for you. She wasn't sure if you'd be here or not, but she wanted me to make sure that if you were, you safely got to the VIP box in the front."

"Thanks," she said genuinely before pointing in the direction of the waving arms. "I see my mom. Did she give you any trouble?" She asked sarcastically with a knowing smile. Paula had a tendency to get a little bit manic whenever she went to one of Ashley's shows. She had always been such a domesticated housewife and mother that she rarely, if ever, had the chance to go out and have fun.

"Nah, she was a doll like always," he replied as he protectively moved her in the direction of the VIP box, the crowd parting and allowing them through as people noticed the security outfit he was wearing.

"Well that's a relief," Spencer sighed as they reached the box. "Maybe she won't jerk my arms off when she starts dancing."

Aiden laughed as he pulled open the gate to the VIP box, allowing Spencer to safely pass through and keeping unauthorized guests out. "Well, here's a walkie." He handed the small device over to the confused looking woman. "Ashley wanted me to give it to you in case, if during the show, you need anything. Just give me a call on it and I'll be there."

"Oh no Aiden, you don't have to…" She said as she tried to hand it back to him. It seemed unfair to her that she was receiving such special treatment.

"You and I both know how pissed off Ashley would be if I didn't give you this," he said with raised eyebrows and a knowing smile.

"Right," Spencer chuckled with a knowing nod before latching the walkie talkie onto the waistband of her jeans. "Well thank you so much Aiden," she said gratefully before hugging him again.

"Anytime. Have fun and enjoy the show," he said while pulling back before adding with a wink, "I believe she has something special planned for tonight."

Before she had any chance whatsoever to question the last comment or the wink, he was off and making his way back through the crowd. Shrugging it off for now, she turned around to see her mother smiling wide and walking up to her.

"So," Spencer began with a forced serious expression, feigning being upset. "I hear you and Jessie conspired against me."

"Oh honey," Paula replied as she pulled her daughter into a crushing embrace. "You really do need to talk to Ashley."

"I know Mother," she sighed while pulling back. "But it's my decision when that happens. Okay?"

"Okay," Paula replied with a loving look. A moment of silence passed between them as they situated themselves into the lawn chairs that were arranged only in the VIP box. "So, I hear Ashley is giving a special performance tonight."

"She is?" Spencer asked as she raised her brows questioningly. "What makes you say that?"

"Aiden told me but he didn't tell me much more," she shrugged as she sipped on the drink Spencer hadn't yet noticed.

"What's that?" Spencer asked in a disappointed expression. Her mother very rarely drank alcohol, so she was quite surprised.

"Oh nothing much," Paula replied nonchalantly before turning and meeting her daughter's disapproving gaze. "It's only a wine cooler Spencer; barely any alcohol at all."

"Mom…" Spencer began with scrunched eyebrows before being interrupted. Alcohol had already consumed one important person in her life and she was not about to stand by idly and watch it consume another, even if it was just a light drink.

"Spence, I know what you're thinking," Paula began with her eyes looking away, her hand rising in defense. "But Ashley had it brought out to me."

"That doesn't matter Mom!" She raised her voice a bit in frustration before calming back down. "I know what it can do to people… and not only that but you shouldn't… not in front of her."

"Spencer, I am not the only one here who is drinking tonight," Paula argued with a soft voice. She didn't want to fight or upset her daughter. Instead, she would oblige and not finish the drink.

"That doesn't matter. She's recovering from alcoholism," she reasoned with a pointed expression, somehow still feeling responsible for Ashley. "We're supposed to support her in that."

Paula noticed the sadness that was beginning to flush over her daughter's face. "You're right honey. I'm sorry." She immediately stood up and made her way to the side of the box, depositing the drink into the waste can. Once she rejoined Spencer in their seats, she was glad for the small smile she saw waiting for her.

"Thank you," Spencer said sincerely. She may have overreacted a bit, but after dealing with the effects of alcohol on someone you love, there is no leniency.

Almost immediately, the house lights dimmed to almost black and the crowd began screaming and chanting with excitement. "Ashley… Ashley… Ashley…"

It was quite bizarre for Spencer to imagine how everyone saw Ashley as this larger than life rock star, because she knew Ashley for who she really was and had witnessed on numerous occasions Ashley's fears and insecurities. She was never a rock star to Spencer; she was just Ashley, the woman she loved with all her heart.

The beginning chords of the opening song broke through the atmosphere from the various amps and speakers as electric blue and green lights flashed in every direction, fog machines coating the stage in a smoky haze. It was an electric guitar that was sounding off and Spencer smiled as she recognized it as Ashley's beloved Les Paul, with its distinct sound that she had heard so many times before.

She watched in nervous anticipation as the black curtain with the 'A.D.' monogram that was hung up shielding the band and the rock star from the crowd fell to the ground and Ashley emerged with her maroon Les Paul six-string slung low from her shoulder. She was wearing tight fitting jeans that were ripped to shreds and faded, coming to rest perfectly low on her hips and flaring out slightly to encase her black Harley boots. With her chains hanging down from her belt adorning one leg and her dusky blue button up shirt, Ashley was in her element and never looking better. Spencer felt her heart beat that much more in her chest at the sight.

Ashley stood with the classic rock star pose, her legs shoulder width apart and bent slightly at the knees as she strummed her guitar with attitude. The drums kicked in behind her and the song's tempo picked up, rocking the house completely as the stage lights focused on Ashley moving to her microphone.

It was a new song, one Spencer hadn't heard before with its pounding drums and searing guitars. This was a much heavier style than most of Ashley's songs and it was definitely a fresh sound. _God she looked so good_. Spencer could feel herself shaking on her feet in anticipation of hearing Ashley sing as she stepped to the microphone.

_You can be right  
>And I'll be real<br>Oh, and it still won't be a pain  
>That you will have to feel<br>Cause I don't need your approval  
>To find my worth<br>_

Ashley's eyes scanned over the crowd, squinting from the stage lights as she searched for familiar faces. She was curious to see reactions to this new, heavier song and she hoped she would find one particular blonde nodding in approval. Her heart was pounding from nerves as she gritted out the lyrics with attitude. This song was like an ode to herself for beating out alcohol and coming to terms with the past. It had been a hard fought year and a half, but she was finally at a place where she could accept things and not blame herself anymore. If only she could accomplish one last thing.

_I'm trapped inside of my own mind  
>Afraid to open my eyes cause of what I'd find and I<br>Don't wanna live like this anymore  
><em>

Spencer could see the emotions and struggle present on her face. Ashley was nervous for her fans' reactions and it melted her heart. Here you have this big time star with all her fans screaming at her from all different directions, yet her insecurities are showing through, needing that approval, but it was only noticeable to the ones who really knew her. It was quite humbling.

As soon as their eyes locked onto each other's Spencer smiled through her tingles and nodded her head proudly as Ashley felt her heart soar and her nerves subside. She could get through this song now that she knew Spencer was there and enjoying it. It was as though with just one look her confidence had been restored.

Clutching her pick, she strummed her guitar harder and more fervently, belting out the chorus through a smile with her eyes closed as the feelings washed over her.

_There goes my pain  
>There goes my chains<br>Did you see them falling?  
>Because this feeling<br>That has no meaning_

There goes the world  
>Off of my shoulders<br>There goes the world  
>Off of my back<br>There it goes

And with that, she rocked out on her guitar, strumming the chords for all she was worth and rocking to the beat of the drums. A few short minutes later, she shed her button up shirt, leaving only her black tank on, exposing the few tattoos she had acquired over the years.

"SHE LOOKS GOOD," Spencer heard her mother yell out to her over the music before cheering and whistling.

She laughed as she nodded and turned, catching her mother dancing a bit. It was so heartwarming to see because she could tell how much she actually loved Ashley as she looked up at the stage, watching the musician with bright adoring eyes. It had always meant so much that her family had been so loving and supportive of her relationship with Ashley. In high school, it had seemed as though her mother would never come around and be fully accepting of her daughter in a lesbian relationship. She had even gone as far as pulling a girl out of Spencer's room by her hair upon catching them in an innocent lip lock.

"YEAH," Spencer replied, just loud enough for her mother to hear. "KYLA SAID SHE'S BEEN BOXING LATELY."

"BOXING?" Paula asked with scrunched eyes. She knew Ashley liked to work out and run to keep in shape, but she never figured her for the boxing type; maybe more of a pilates person.

Spencer nodded as she chuckled at her mom's facial expression. "YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT TOO. VIOLENCE WAS NEVER HER THING, BUT I GUESS IF IT'S THERAPUETIC…" She shrugged before she suddenly heard the song slow down a bit as Ashley played a small lead, notes pouring quickly from her fingertips, as she began the song's bridge, sounding beautifully written.

_Have you ever felt  
>Like your only comfort was your cage<br>You're not alone  
>I've felt the same as you<br>_

She softly sang with conviction into her microphone as she halted her guitar playing and draped an arm over the mic stand, pointing her other hand towards the crowd with a smile ash she panted, feeling the adrenaline rush through her. There was only one better feeling than this.

_Have you ever felt like your secrets give you away  
>You're not alone<br>I've been there too  
><em>

Ashley clenched her jaw as she continued playing, the sweat just barely making its way to glisten on her skin. She had thoroughly enjoyed looking out and seeing Spencer in the crowd again. It had been far too long since that had happened; and she had sorely missed the comfort of knowing that the person who had always been her rock was there cheering her along. It didn't hurt either that tonight, and much to her surprise, crazy ol' Paula was there dancing and flinging her arms around. For years she had been the mother Ashley never had, always encouraging her and being there to talk to. As she saw her laughing and carrying on beside Spencer, she truly had to contain her laughter and focus on remembering the lyrics she had written only a few weeks before.

Her eyes locked once again with the beautiful blonde in the VIP box and for a moment, she could see, shining through, all of the love that she had stupidly believed was gone. It made her momentarily think back to when Spencer told her that she wasn't in love with her anymore. Why on Earth would she do that? She must have been scared like Juliet had said; and Ashley would find out why if it was the last thing she did.

Spencer smiled as she felt her breath catch in her throat the moment their eyes met again. She was past trying to mask her feelings for Ashley. Jessie was right, they needed the closure to be able to rebuild the trust and somehow move forward with their lives. Living in the past and being held back by the pain would only continue to drive a wedge between them, one that would eventually be too large to surpass. They had agreed to be friends and Spencer was going to make the most of it.

Raising her hand to just next to her face, she waved her fingers shyly at Ashley and mouthed a small, "Hi."

Ashley felt her heart drop at the gesture as goosebumps spread across her body, igniting her skin. Since she was singing, she could only smile that large smile that caused her nose to crinkle, a smile that only ever surfaced for Spencer and Emery.

There goes the world  
>Off of my shoulders<br>There goes the world  
>Off of my back<p>

Cause I don't want it  
>I don't want it<p>

The guitar screeched out its accompaniment as Ashley belted out her emotion, letting everyone in the theatre know just how determined she was to be okay again.

_You can't change me  
>You can't break me<em>

There goes the world  
>Off of my shoulders<br>There goes the world  
>Off of my back<br>There it goes

Ashley growled out the last line, letting it linger for a bit while panting as she brought her hand down, forcefully strumming the last chord as she slung her head down and the stage lights went dramatically black. She waited for a moment and listened as the crowd went wild in the dark, cheering and whistling for her. Hundreds of people were watching for her and screaming and all she could think about was the small wave and the silently whispered "Hi" from Spencer. Smiling, she stood back up to greet the audience as the lights came back on and she could see all of the enthusiastic faces.

"Thank you everyone! How are you all?" she greeted in her soft and humble voice. The crowd was ecstatic. "Wow, that was the first time for that song. I hope you all liked it because I have quite a bit more new ones to play for you tonight." They screamed a bit more manically as she laughed and added, "Well on that note, enjoy the show." And with that she began playing the next song in the set as her eyes once again found the blue ones she had long since memorized.

* * *

><p>"Wow Ash," Kyla began as she entered the small dressing room backstage. It was the moment at the end of a show when the performer goes backstage to freshen up and catch their breath before taking the stage once more for an encore or two. "The crowd was amazing tonight and you weren't so bad yourself."<p>

She was met with silence as she looked towards the vanity on the far wall, immediately catching sight of her frozen sister clutching onto the picture that she kept backstage at every show, taped up to the mirrors for good luck.

It was a beautiful picture of a newborn baby wrapped in pink blankets and clutching her tiny hands together, her eyes shut and her mouth slobbery. Taken at home just after arriving back from the hospital after she had placed her in the bassinet, it was the first picture Ashley had ever captured of her daughter; and she looked upon it so lovingly with a small faraway smile, thinking back on that beautiful moment and the contentment she had felt.

"Ash?" Kyla asked softly to break her sister from her daze, bringing her hand up to touch Ashley's shoulder.

Ashley's head snapped up quickly as she wiped away a few tears that had wondered onto her cheeks. "Yeah? I'm okay." She shook her head to force her composure back.

"You know," the younger sister began. "You don't have to do the next bit. You can always go back out and play 'Disarray' or something else."

Ashley shook her head instantly and she placed the laminated photo back on the vanity and walked to her sink. She splashed a bit of water in her face then reached for the bottled water beside the faucet, knocking back over half of it in one gulp. She was exhausted and that was an understatement.

"No, it's okay," she assured with a smile, wiping her face with a towel. "I can do this. I _need_to do this."

"Ash," Kyla sighed and brought her hand up to lovingly rest on her sister's shoulder. "You were a mess yesterday, and then today during rehearsal... Maybe you shouldn't…"

"No Kyla," Ashley interjected sternly. "It's okay. I want to do this."

Kyla remained silent for a moment, taking in the serious face before her as she weighed the determined expression in her mind. She knew that no matter what, Ashley would do this anyway. She was quite a stubborn person as it were. "Okay. Just, promise me you're okay."

Ashley nodded. After last night, she was sure Kyla was worried beyond belief. After dealing with all of the shit at the record company and then unloading herself to her sister, Ashley had completely broken down, crying uncontrollably for hours.

"I promise," she uttered before grabbing her acoustic guitar and fleeing the dressing room.

* * *

><p>Spencer watched as the house lights came up and the stage lights went on, revealing a single chair and a large projector screen illuminated in a natural glow. Whatever Ashley was planning was going to be simple and bare, probably acoustic. It caused her to smile because she loved these types of performances above all others, the types where Ashley's soul was revealed and you could peek in and see her for all she was worth.<p>

She felt her breath catch in her throat as Ashley slowly came walking out on stage carrying her Epiphone acoustic guitar, taking a seat on the lone chair in the middle, her hair drenched in sweat and pinned up in a bun, unlike the rest of the show where it had been down and loosely falling around her shoulders. She could see in Ashley's eyes how tired she was; and she should be. It was one hell of a show consisting of her strutting around onstage nonstop and performing about twenty-five songs, and heavy songs at that.

"I hope you don't mind all of the lights," Ashley said softly into the microphone as the entire club was illuminated, bringing everyone in from the darkness that had defined the rest of the show. "I want to do something special and I don't want any lighting effects or anything else, just you and me," She spoke a bit shyly as the huskiness in her voice made itself known. The crowd cheered much softer than before as they were now made aware of the intimate nature of the show.

Ashley could feel her heart race as she braced herself for her next words, her palms becoming sweaty and her throat a bit dry. She could do this right?

"As you all have heard through the media by now I'm sure …" She trailed off as her voice wavered; swallowing, she could feel her nerves getting the best of her. She squinted her eyes as she focused on her hand which was resting on the headstock of her guitar.

Spencer's brows scrunched as she looked upon Ashley whose eyes were downcast. Something was going on and it was making Ashley rather nervous; she was no longer the confident rock star from before, but now almost trembling from anxiety. She could feel her pulse picking up pace as her heart went out to Ashley, wishing for a way to calm her.

Ashley glanced up and her eyes met with concerned blue ones. For a moment they spoke silently to each other; Spencer asking her what was wrong and Ashley pleading for the courage to continue. It was as though they could communicate perfectly in a room full of people without ever uttering a single word. And they could.

Spencer's eyes held so much love and worry. Ashley could feel them boring into her soul and it wasn't uncomfortable. No, it was welcoming; she needed this to be able to follow through with it. Spencer smiled a small smile of encouragement and suddenly Ashley felt herself calm and her confidence came back tenfold.

"A while ago I lost someone very important to me," Ashley softly continued with newfound strength as she noticed Spencer's mouth drop open slightly as her breath caught in her throat. She quickly averted her eyes to avoid the possible emotions she would see in Spencer's. "My daughter passed away over a year ago after an awful accident."

The crowd became uncharacteristically still as a few people gasped and others awed. All in all, no one was left making any sounds, only waiting for Ashley to continue.

"For a long time, I thought that all of it was my fault. That I hadn't done enough or that I had caused it," she spoke with such heaviness as she took deep breaths to continue with the rest. "She was my whole world and everything in it; the best part of my day. There were times where she was the only thing I could think about and I would wonder what I did to deserve her, what I would do to protect her."

Spencer could feel tears forming in her eyes, burning their way from the pit of her stomach. Her hands began shaking as Ashley lovingly spoke of their daughter. A lump formed in her throat as she heard her mother sniff and felt her put an arm around her shoulders, rubbing lovingly to sooth the ache. She wanted to turn to comfort her mother too, but she just couldn't tear her eyes away from the lone figure onstage.

"I regret so much," Ashley gritted through a couple of tears as she looked up, as if for the first time seeing everything clearly. "But I realize now that I can't change the past. I can't go back as much as I want to... And God, it's so hard… But the only thing I can do is smile when I remember her and treasure all of the times we shared; never forgetting that she's still with me, no matter how far apart we are." A tear fell from her eye as she locked her gaze with Spencer who was full on crying now, blue eyes blurred from tears. A ghost of a smile formed on Ashley's lips as she sent it to the woman who had been through as much pain as she had. "She's right here," she said, touching her hand to her chest. "And she always will be."

Spencer felt her heart pound as she registered Ashley's words upon seeing her smile, bringing her own shaky hand to lightly caress the area above her heart. She could faintly see that Ashley's brown eyes were a bit red and the singer was only focused on staring into her own blue ones. A moment so heavy and she could feel nothing more than Ashley's gaze. It was as though they were the only two in the room, the crowd had disappearing and taking her mother with them. All that mattered was the two of them and the beautiful memory of their daughter.

Ashley was right. Their daughter would always be with them, smiling at them from above. Nothing could ever take that away. Sighing and wiping her tears away, she could do nothing other than swallow her lump and barely return the small gesture, smiling back.

"I wrote this next song to remind people to never forget those that are gone. That no matter where we go or how far we're separated, they will always be with us, giving us strength that we never even knew existed," she finished as her shaky hand stilled and she began finger picking at the strings of her guitar. "This song is called 'From Where You Are' and I'd like to dedicate it to my daughter, Emery."

Spencer sobbed out audibly through a sad smile, her hand coming up to cover her mouth as her body began shaking and the name of their daughter rang in her ears. She listened as Ashley's beautifully husky voice began singing such a soft melody, only the sound of an acoustic guitar accompanying her as the crowd remained quietly focused, as though they were witnessing something so private and delicate. And they were.

_So far away from where you are  
>These miles have torn us worlds apart<br>And I miss you, yeah I miss you  
><em>

The projection screen abruptly flickered to life as pictures, all at once, began flashing in sequence upon the screen behind Ashley, pictures of their daughter smiling… pictures of her making brownies… laughing in the bath tub… running around the beach building sand castles… Pictures of Ashley and Emery. Pictures of the three of them. Pictures of an angel. Beautiful, haunting pictures.

Spencer smiled through her tears as even scans of little drawings their daughter had done of her family were displayed, the three of them illustrated in such a way that only a four year old could express. It was so private and intimate; she should be upset Ashley was displaying their life like that. She should feel invaded and exposed to the audience, but she couldn't. It was too beautiful. She wasn't upset at all, other than the sadness she was feeling from seeing their daughter and remembering back on the snapshots of their life, knowing that there would be no more to have.

_So far away from where you are  
>I'm standing underneath the stars<br>And I wish you were here_

Ashley opened her eyes to look again to Spencer, hoping and praying that she hadn't upset her with this memorial. Her heart was pounding and she was doing everything she could to keep her voice steady. She knew it had been risky for her to prepare this and invite Spencer; but it was something she couldn't have done alone. She needed Spencer to be there for it, to give her strength to sing the words she had written. She was so sure that Spencer would come flying up to her at the end, in tears and angrily confronting her about it. But as she stared into tear filled blue eyes, she could read in them that it was okay. It was all okay. They could finally let go and things would be okay. Her eyes closed as tears formed and she continued with the chorus, her voice deep with pain and longing.

_I miss the years that were erased_  
><em>I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face<em>  
><em>I miss all the little things<em>  
><em>I never thought that they'd mean everything to me<em>  
><em>Yeah I miss you<em>  
><em>And I wish you were here<em>

Spencer cried softly through a smile as she looked upon Ashley, singing passionately as more pictures were displayed; pictures of tickling fits and bike rides... Christmas mornings and patty cake… trips to the zoo and carnival balloons… Goofy outfits and spring afternoons… Family vacations and piggyback rides…

Moments that would never be forgotten. Memories that could last a lifetime. Ashley had made it a point to document almost every waking moment of their daughter's life and some pictures, Spencer was even unaware of; pictures Ashley took of her sleeping with Emery on her chest, pictures of Emery with her toys scattered around the floor asleep on top of them. Her heart fluttered and tears continued to fall as she fell even more in love with Ashley Davies.

_I feel the beating of your heart  
>I see the shadows of your face<br>Just know that wherever you are  
>Yeah I miss you<br>And I wish you were here  
><em>

Ashley's eyes closed again as she savored each memory in her mind, reliving what she knew was being displayed behind her. There were so many pictures flashing by every three seconds, staying on the screen just long enough to be captured by the audiences' natural cameras. She'd had such a hard time narrowing them down to the ones she'd chosen, going through hundreds of photos and several dozen albums. Every little moment was so blissfully beautiful and precious. Every little thing their daughter had done was like gold to her and it was all she could do to put the camera down every once in a while.  
><em><br>I miss the years that were erased  
>I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face<br>I miss all the little things  
>I never thought that they'd mean everything to me<br>Yeah I miss you  
>And I wish you were here<br>_

Kyla watched the performance from the side of the stage with tears in her eyes. Her heart broke again at the sight of her only niece as pictures showed a beautiful smile that would adorably dimple the small girl's cheeks. She could feel her breathing hitch and her arms shake as she wished with all that was in her that things were different, that she hadn't been taken away. Why did life work out the way it did sometimes? What could fate have possibly had in mind when it took the life of a little girl, an only daughter, a beautiful granddaughter, a beloved niece?

She watched as Ashley's eyebrows scrunched and her jaw clinched between words, imagining but not really understanding how hard it must be for her to sing the words written in memory of her baby girl. She could tell that it was all Ashley could do to keep it together and not buckle from the pain. Kyla had witnessed just how much weight her sad sister had been carrying around, knowing there was nothing she could do to ease the pain, a weight that seemingly unloaded itself completely upon her dear sister last night.

Her eyes filled with tears as she looked towards the audience, catching sight of Spencer and Paula, both crying and yet, somehow smiling as their minds registered the images on the screen. God they were strong, much stronger than she was. She could barely keep herself from sobbing at the heartbreaking display.

_So far away from where you are_  
><em>These miles have torn us worlds apart<em>  
><em>And I miss you, yeah I miss you<em>  
><em>And I wish you were here<em>

As the song closed, Paula reached her hands up to wipe away the tears that had fallen. They were a contrasting mixture of sad tears and happy tears. Happy because of how beautiful the pictures were and how cherished the times had been. Sad because there were no more times to have, no more memories to make with her youngest grandchild. It was such a hard thing to accept that someone you love, someone so young with a whole life ahead of them had been abruptly taken from you. It just wasn't fair. The way the world worked wasn't fair at all.

She had always grown up believing in God and prided herself in her faith, but after losing her granddaughter, she wondered if there even was a God; and if so, how could he have let this happen to such an innocent soul? She lost some of her faith then, that dark and dreary day when she watched her daughter and her daughter-in-law burry their only child, a beautifully amazing life that had yet to be fully realized. It just wasn't logical to her. Why did bad things always happen to good people? Surely God was not who she'd grown up thinking he was.

She watched with a heavy heart as Ashley closed the song and her fingers stilled, no more music emanating from the guitar. The singer momentarily closed her eyes and sat unmoving in her seat, seeming to savor the moment and remember her daughter. She looked so broken down, yet somehow she held a hint of hope in her eyes as she glanced up and looked out to them through tears. Her stoic mouth turned upwards slightly, forming a hint of a smile as she stood and addressed the audience.

"Thank you all for coming tonight," Ashley almost whispered into the microphone with a shaky hand and a small smile. "I appreciate your support more than you know. Hopefully the new songs you all heard tonight will be released in the near future. However," she paused as she looked deeply into Spencer's eyes, wishing to transfer all of her feelings and sorrow into the beautiful blue eyes staring back. "I don't think I will be touring extensively anymore. Some things are just much more important." And with that, she quickly exited stage right, leaving a rather shocked and bewildered crowd gasping and wondering what on Earth they would do if they couldn't attend anymore Ashley Davies concerts.

None were more shocked and bewildered than that of Spencer and Paula, both knowing how achingly much Ashley loved playing live and seeing her fans enjoy her music. They were shocked stiff at the thought that Ashley had, in so many words, just stepped down from it all.

Spencer could feel her heart shockingly skip a beat as she desperately tried to register the words in her mind and their meaning, her eyes scrunching and her mouth opening and closing in a speechless fashion. What could she say to that? Ashley was giving up touring and, with the way she had looked into her eyes, made it seem like she was giving it up because of her.

Paula caught her breath and composed herself enough to turn and catch sight of her unmoving daughter. "Spencer," she said softly as her voice broke a bit. "You better…"

"Yeah," Spencer sighed out as she blinked her eyes closed twice, wiping them of tears and fending of the paralyzing nature of the shock. "I… I'm gonna go…" She trailed off as the words left her. All she could do was point in the direction of the stage.

"I'll see if I can wait for you with Adien," Paula said loudly as she watched her daughter retreating toward the side of the stage where there were doors to the backstage area.

Spencer heard her mother's voice, but it was muffled by her thoughts and all she could focus on were Ashley's words.

_Some things are just more important._

They had been said with such conviction and brown eyes had been staring straight into her soul, fluttering her heart almost painfully in her chest. She pushed and shoved her way towards the doors, managing to maintain her patience somehow. Her insides were frantically screaming for her to just knock everyone down and trample over them. Ashley was backstage and there was no telling what kind of state she was in after the emotional performance and the unexpected announcement. She needed to get to her, to make sure she was okay.

After crossing through the crowd slowly for almost ten minutes, she had hit a wall of people whom she knew were all trying to get backstage as well. She tried with all of her might to edge her way through, but there just weren't any gaps large enough. With one last push, she made it nowhere and sighed out her frustration, almost crying in the process. She forced herself to hold the tears at bay as she knew she needed to maintain her composure. Now was no time to fall apart at the seams.

Suddenly, her arm came down and scrapped across a cold plastic device strapped to her waistband. Of course. How had she forgotten about the walkie? Sighing in relief, she immediately ripped it from her pants and brought it to her mouth with a shaky finger on the call button.

"Aiden…" Her voice whispered loudly, just loud enough to be heard but not enough to draw unwanted attention. "Aiden, I can't get backstage. There are just too many people." She paused, hearing static and praying that he heard her and would answer quickly. Her insides were crawling with nerves and she needed to see Ashley.

"Spencer?" Aiden's voice broke through the static. "Hang on a sec. I'll send someone out to get you."

"Please hurry," she pleaded with him, clutching the device close to her mouth. "I need to see her."

Almost immediately, the crowd began to part as two large security guys pushed their way towards her from the stage side doors. It was quite reminiscent of the Red Sea and she had never been more grateful to have a sweaty man grab her and pull her forward, urging her to move in front of them.

They ushered her towards the doors, their strong arms fending off several dozens of fans who wanted to join them; and once safely inside the calm that was the backstage area, she let out her breath that she hadn't realized she'd been holding.

"Thank you so much," she sincerely spoke as she looked up to them, their hands letting go of her and stepping back.

"Not a problem Mrs. Davies," the one man said with a smile. "Would you like us to let her know you're here?"

Spencer smiled politely before replying, "Oh no, I know the way." It was true; she knew this club quite well as Ashley had played here several times before. "Besides, you guys have your hands full with that wild crowd out there. I'll let her know that you deserve a raise though." She winked at them.

"Thank you so much Mrs…" The other began, but was abruptly interrupted.

"Haven't I told you before to call me Spencer?" Teasingly asking, she smiled sweetly as she turned to walk away. "And thanks again."

She made her way down the hallway in search of Ashley's dressing room. Though she had walked the route many times, it had never been this long before. She guessed it was her nerves and her worry that were causing her mind to play tricks on her.

* * *

><p>Ashley finished toweling her hair off upon dressing in comfortable clothes after her quick shower. She had never been more grateful for a pair of sweats and a t-shirt than she had in that moment. It had been an exhausting show and she had been much more physical than she normally was onstage. Her songs were a bit heavier, so she had to rock it that much more to match their energy. She smiled though because her fans didn't seem to mind the change.<p>

Coming from the bathroom, she flung the towel over the side of the small couch and ran her hands through her hair to smooth out the drying curls. As she was slipping on her white and black Etnies, she smiled again at the sound which echoed from the door. She didn't have to wonder who it was because she was only expecting one person. The only person.

_Knock. Knock._

She jumped up excitedly from the couch as she made her way over to the door, her nerves firing off slightly in anticipation of what was to come. She was quite unsure why her nerves were tingling and her heart was pounding. It seemed rather odd considering she knew that Spencer wouldn't be mad at her; she had been smiling during the last song, seemingly proud of the way Ashley chose to honor their daughter. It had made Ashley's heart soar to think that she had pleased Spencer; especially after all they had gone through together.

She reached for the doorknob with a shaky hand, hesitant for only a moment before she flung it open, speaking before seeing who it actually was. "I'm so glad you…" She paused as she took in the unexpected sight of Sandra, her recent nightly ritual. Her excitement left her as her heart immediately stilled and her nerves subsided; the woman didn't give her _those_kinds of feelings. "Came." Her shoulders slumped a bit as she finished, reluctantly polite, not wanting to seem rude or harsh.

"I knew you would be Ash," Sandra replied with a cocksure smile as she moved towards the surprised singer, bringing their faces only inches apart.

Ashley's head jerked back slightly to put distance between them as she scrunched her eyebrows and asked with an emotionless voice, "What are you doing here?"

"Umm…" Sandra chuckled as her eyes surveyed the room, looking for a bed but finding a couch. It was quite small but it would do. "You invited me, remember?" She asked as her eyes once again met wide brown ones.

"Yeah, I do," Ashley fidgeted with her hand on the back of her head, her eyes moving to the floor as she shook her head. "I mean, how did you get backstage?" She asked this question with a much friendlier voice; she wasn't in the mood to upset anyone.

"With legs like mine, you find ways to get what you want," Sandra replied as she moved towards Ashley once more, a little shocked to see the singer match her step for step in a retreating manner, moving in the opposite direction she wanted her to.

"Look… I umm…" Ashley stuttered nervously as the back of her legs hit the small couch, causing her to sit down. "I think we should not…"

"Not what?" The seductress asked in a very flirtatious way as she brought her long bare legs up on either side of Ashley.

"I think we should stop seeing…" Ashley finally said sternly once finding her voice.

It was too late by that point though as she was being straddled and their lips were meeting. Her eyes closed briefly, just long enough to see blue eyes and blonde hair and lose herself a bit in the kiss as she imagined it was being shared with the one she loved. Her hands came up to wrap themselves around slender arms that would forever be foreign to her, no matter how many times they had met. Squeezing a bit sensually at first, she pulled away from the kiss and forced Sandra back and onto her wobbling feet in front of the couch.

Sandra looked a bit dazed for a moment and briefly shocked at being shoved away as her head turned to catch sight of something moving out of the corner of her eye. Looking towards the door, she smirked for a moment as she adjusted herself to stand more stably to greet the unwanted visitor.

Ashley's eyes wasted no time in following Sandra's line of vision, curious to see what was suddenly so interesting to the woman. As they traveled to the open door, she felt her heart fall into the pit of her stomach as her eyes met the blue ones she had just seen in her mind moments ago.

"I…umm…" Spencer stuttered nervously, wishing with all that she had for the floor to open up and swallow her whole; to take her to a place where she could flush out the memory of what she had just witnessed. "I'm sorry..."

"Spencer!" Ashley exclaimed, jolting to her feet and pushing past Sandra, who was smiling at the two of them.

Spencer could only turn on her heels and evacuate the doorway, moving quickly down the hall and away from the person calling her name, the person she loved so much, the person she had needed in that moment.

"Spencer wait," Ashley pleaded as she grabbed onto an elbow, spinning the blonde around. She could see tears in her eyes as their gaze met and in that moment, she hated Sandra and wished for her to jump off a cliff. "Look, it's not what it…"

"Ashley," Spencer interrupted before shaking her head with a forced smile, kicking her façade into full swing. She would not allow Ashley to see just how much it had hurt to see another woman kissing her. "It's okay. You don't have to explain yourself to me. We're divorced now and you were upset and… really… it's… it's okay."

"But no," Ashley tried once more. She could tell that Spencer was upset by it and not for a sliver of a moment would she believe the faux expression taking over her face. "I don't… I'm not…"

"It's okay Ashley," She interrupted as she was not about to let Ashley explain anything. That would only hurt more and she wasn't too sure that she could handle it. "You can see other women." Though she had said it and she wanted to be okay with it, it was futile; she knew she never would. She had left Ashley and broken up their marriage; who was she to stop her from moving on? She had no right.

"But I don't want…" Ashley blurted out through scrunched eyes, shaking her head.

"Really," She interrupted again, this time trying so hard to appear happy and content. "I only came here to say that I thought the last song was amazing and to thank you for what you did," Her hand came up to lightly rest on Ashley's cheek. "It was beautiful."

Ashley was completely dumbstruck, eyes wide as her mouth hung slightly open. Here was the love of her life trying desperately to force her to believe that she wanted her to see other people; even though they both knew that it was a lie. This was absurd! "Spencer…"

"I have to go," Spencer sighed out, forcing her tears to remain at bay as she turned and began walking away. "Mom is waiting outside."

"Spencer," Ashley said through a clenched jaw, her voice rising in volume the more Spencer walked away. "It was for you too. The song. I wrote it for both of you… I MISS _YOU_TOO!" She had to yell out the last sentence from where she stood on her shaky feet, not even sure if Spencer had heard it as she walked out of the door at the end of the hallway.

* * *

><p>Once she was safely outside, she leaned against the door frame and allowed her tears to spill out, burning their way down with her hand coming up to rest over her mouth. She was so angry with herself. She had heard every word Ashley had said and it had taken all of her willpower not to stop and run back into arms that she knew would always be waiting for her. There was no doubt in her mind now that Ashley was sorry about everything, that she regretted it all. How else would you interpret the way she looked into her eyes and said that some things were more important than touring?<p>

How could she have let her fear pull her away like that? It was completely irrational. She knew that she was scared of being hurt again; and she knew that no one could hurt her like Ashley. But she also knew that Ashley never would again. Yet, something inside of her told her to run away. Again.

Ashley had bared her soul to Spencer that night, her brown eyes saying so much more than her lips ever could; and there was no denying that she would never make the same mistakes again. Ashley loved her and that would never stop. She was safe with her. If only she could push her fears aside long enough to confront her like she had set out to do tonight. Maybe then they could take steps toward where they both knew the other wanted to go. Steps toward rebuilding.

"Spencer?" Her mother's voice met her ears as she looked up to see Paula coming to stand next to her. She could hear the concern in her mother's voice as arms wrapped around her and she buried her face in a shoulder.

"Oh Mom," Spencer sobbed out, muffled from her buried face. "I'm totally screwing everything up."

"Honey," Paula began while gripping her daughter tightly. "I know it doesn't seem like it now, but everything will work itself out. It _will_be okay one day." Her hand gently caressed the sobbing form soothingly.

She lifted her head in bewilderment; her teary red eyes focusing on the consoling ones of her mother, a person she knew would never lead her astray. "But, how do you know?"

"Because," Paula replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Her arms moved from around her daughter so that her hands could rest on each wet cheek, wiping them free of tears and forcing sad blue eyes to see the truth. "You're Spencer… and she's Ashley."

* * *

><p>AN: Credit to the songs "Quasimodo" and "From Where You Are" go to the amazing band Lifehouse.

I recommend listening to "From Where You Are" as it is such a beautiful song written for someone that Jason Wade knew that was killed by drunk driving.


	13. With Your Realities, I Break

**Chapter Thirteen**

Anger.

That's how she felt at that moment knowing just what, or rather whom, was waiting in that dressing room and just how badly it had affected the outcome of that night. She clenched her jaw, tightly grinding her teeth as the rage filtered in, her heart pounding ferociously in her ears. Ashley's hand came up to violently force the door open as she charged her way into the dressing room, feet pounding loudly, guns blazing. She was beyond mad; furious would be more like it, as heat was radiating from her ears, much in the manner of a tea kettle.

Spencer had come backstage to obviously talk to her about something, but as soon as she had seen Sandra's legs all over what should only be _hers_, she had lost all of her nerve, retreating from her and the venue. It was all Ashley could do not to completely fly of the handle and destroy everything she saw. It always seemed to go this way with them, this one step forward and two steps back dance routine they were stuck in. Stopping to glare angrily at the woman sprawled on the sofa, she took a deep breath and reminded herself of the consequences of homicide. Surely that would put an even worse damper on her current situation with Spencer.

"Hey Ashley," Sandra cooed from her place on the couch, completely oblivious and a bit less dressed than she had been moments before. "Bout time you came back."

"What the _hell_ are you doing here?" Ashley growled loudly as she slammed the door shut behind her, shaking the mirror and other various things that hung on the walls. She could only see red at that point and Sandra looked utterly confused. If only looks could kill.

"Well, I… I'm… uhh…" Sandra began with a stuttering and flabbergasted response. Ashley was almost frightening at that point with her jaw tight and her eyes burning two holes right through her.

"Do you have any idea what you just did?" Ashley bit back loudly as she brought herself to stand over the woman on the couch, vastly hoping to intimidate her into silence. She wanted no more to hear Sandra's pathetic attempt at words. No. All she wanted was for this woman to leave and for a certain blonde to come back so she could listen to _her_ words.

"Well," Sandra's voice took a turn for anger as she tried to maintain confidence and composure. "I thought I was surprising you, but I guess I wasn't the only one who had that in mind." As she finished, she stood up from the couch and grabbed her hand bag, coming to stand inches from Ashley as she flung it around and onto her shoulder.

"Do you even know who that was?" Ashley gritted out through clenched teeth as she breathed over and over, trying to contain her anger as best she could. Remaining calm was imperative for her in these situations; it kept her urges for the liquid poison at bay.

Sandra hesitated for a moment, weighing the options in her mind as her fingers fumbled with each other. She could play it tough or she could play it soft; either way she would get Ashley to come around sooner or later. It was all in how she chose the next thing that she would say.

"Yes, I do," she answered softly as her hand came up to rest against a tightened cheek, ardently trying to sooth the frustration from her mind. "And I know you're hurting right now…"

Ashley wasted no time in harshly jerking her head away to allow the imposing and invading limb to fall off of her now burning cheek. She was so angry at that moment that she could actually feel how hot her face had become. It was as though her body was now entering combustion mode and no matter how many breaths she took or how tightly she closed her eyes, she couldn't fight off the rage that she felt boiling within her as it began to pour its way outward.

"You don't know anything," Ashley softly but angrily declared as her shaking hand came up to forcefully shove Sandra's away and off into oblivion, making the uninvited woman stumble a bit to the right. "You have no idea what you just did."

"Ashley, I'm sorry," Sandra pleaded as she caught her balance. She never intended for Ashley to get this upset at all. "I didn't know she was even here. If I would then…"

"Then what?" Ashley bit back without hesitation and a bitter smile, her eyes boring angrily through the woman. "You would have made sure she saw us doing more?"

"What? No," she defended with a scrunched brow. "Who do you think I am? I came backstage to see if I could cheer you up. You seemed upset during the last song and I was worried about you. If I had known she was coming then I would have backed off and given you two a chance to talk." She finished with the utmost sincerity as her eyes looked directly into angry brown ones. She honestly cared for the broken woman in front of her and was not about to let Ashley think any differently.

Ashley could feel her anger with Sandra fading into just plain anger with the situation. Sighing, she shut her eyes tightly as she slumped her posture a bit, knowing that she could play the blame game until the cows came home, but it would eventually come down to being no one's fault but her own. She had invited them both and had made so many mistakes in her life with Spencer; how could she blame anyone else?

"I'm sorry I snapped at you," Ashley whispered softly as she turned towards the couch to collapse in defeat. Her hands rose shakily to wipe at her eyes and temples. A headache was forming, but nothing could overpower the life-threatening pain in her chest. "I just don't know what else to do with myself."

"Well," Sandra softly began while coming to sit beside the sullen singer. "If it's any consolation, she didn't seem that upset by it. I kinda heard you two in the hallway." She squinted a bit in anticipation of further angering Ashley.

"That's the thing though," Ashley replied through her hands that were covering her face, choosing to ignore the last statement. "I would rather her be upset, angry even. Jealous… I just hate that she's so indifferent about it all. It's like she doesn't even care; and I know she still loves me. It just doesn't make any sense."

"Maybe there is more to it than you realize," she reasoned while gently rubbing Ashley's back, wanting to sooth away the tension she could feel radiating from her. "Maybe she just doesn't know how else to act about it all."

"I never wanted any of this," Ashley shook her head as she began. "_She_ divorced _me_and I was powerless to stop it. Not that I even tried at all. I just let her go, you know?" She turned her head towards Sandra, tears brimming her eyes. "I just let her walk away from me," she repeated in a soft whisper as her eyes fell to the floor.

"So what are you going to do about it?" She asked as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Ashley sighed bitterly, "What _can_ I do? She's getting married next month to someone she's known for a lot longer than me. I would think it was just some sort of a rebound if it was someone she had just recently met, but they have history. They dated before; and maybe for Spencer, Jessie's the one that got away." By this point the tears she had been holding in to no avail began to fall freely down her cheeks.

"Do you really believe that?" Sandra asked with pointed eyes, begging for Ashley to see reality, if only for a moment. "Because I think that you're the one that's getting away and she's pushing you. I mean the look in her eyes when she first walked in… I could see the disappointment. It was short-lived before she put on a brave face, but it was there."

"My group counselor thinks that she's afraid of being with me now," Ashley sniffed as she wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. "You know, after everything that happened."

"Maybe your group counselor is right. After losing someone close like the two of you did, it's natural to want to push everyone else away so that you never have to feel that pain again," she replied softly as her hand continued the ministration of soft circles on the singer's back.

"Why are you doing this?" Ashley asked suddenly as her tears subsided. "I mean why are you here talking to me like this… about this?"

"I'd like to think that we're at least friends," Sandra answered with a genuine smile before noticing the singer's perplexed expression. "I'm not crazy Ashley; I know where your heart is and I don't expect us to ever be more than what we are. But I do care about you and I want you to be happy."

Ashley stared at the realtor for a moment, silently weighing the woman's words in her mind. It seemed as though she was being completely honest and genuine. If this was any indication of the type of friend she would be, then she would make a great one. "Thank you Sandra. That means a lot to me."

"Well don't thank me yet," Sandra admonished sarcastically before adding with a determined look, "We still have to figure out what you're going to do about Blondie."

Ashley chuckled softly, Sandra's words having their desired effect, before shaking her head and replying, "Blondie is an 80's Pop band. If you're referring to the beautiful woman that was here earlier, that would be Spencer."

"I know," smiling, Sandra answered with an affirmative nod, glad for the change in mood. "I just never pegged you as one for liking blondes. That's all."

"I don't," Ashley said with a grimace at the thought. Blonde was never her thing, and then she met Spencer. "Just her."

A smiled formed on her lips as she thought of the blonde in question. No red head or brunette could ever compare to the feeling she was overcome with every single time her eyes fell upon the wonderfully blonde locks and deep blue eyes that comprised the woman she loved with all her heart and soul. Nothing or no one could ever touch on the all-encompassing, passionate love she held for her and only her. It was soul changing and she couldn't, for the life of her, remember what it had felt like before their paths had crossed. Her life had started that day, and she was glad of it.

"Well she must be quite special then because I don't normally go for blonde's either," Sandra agreed as she missed the faraway look in Ashley's eyes, a look that one could only describe as deep intrinsic desire.

"She's very special," Ashley nodded in agreement as she smiled at the thought of Spencer before allowing the smile to dissipate and feeling increasingly sad. "I've never felt that way about anything else in my entire life."

"You should go to her," Sandra demanded with a nudge at Ashley's shoulder. "Have that conversation that you would've had if I hadn't been here."

Ashley sighed with a reluctant shake of her head. "I don't know. It's like every step toward her that I make, she takes two steps away from me. I don't want to push her, and I can hardly stand it that she retreats like that."

"You can't be afraid, Ashley," she replied supportively. "I mean, what have you left to lose?"

What was there left to lose? She had lost her daughter, her wife, her home, her reasons for getting up in the morning; all of it. There was nothing to be afraid of losing now. Fear had reached a moot point, traveling down its course until it had reached the end; there was no place for it anymore. She had no reason to be afraid. The consequences could only tilt in her favor now as there was no way it could get any worse between them. All she had to do was swallow the fear, pushing it down to strangle it from reaching the surface again. She could confidently go after what she wanted now; and as long as she knew Spencer still loved her, then the balls were all in her court. There was nothing stopping her. It was as though the proverbial light bulb had been switched blindingly on.

This woman was a genius!

"You're absolutely right!" She exclaimed in almost disbelief.

It was as though she had never even conjured up this possibility before. Suddenly she flew up from the sofa in a frenzy as she ran around in all different directions, seeming conflicted about what to do first. All sense of rational behavior had left the minute she had hit startling realization. She wasn't quite sure what to do next or which way to go about it.

"I have to go! I have to talk to her!"

Sandra could only laugh as she amusingly watched the singer run about in circles around the dressing room searching her mind for a plan of action and gathering her things. Her feet had left the blocks before her mind had registered the starting gunshot. It was quite the sight to behold.

"Ashley!" Sandra exclaimed loudly enough to grab the singer's attention. She came to stand in front of her, grabbing her shoulders to halt her frantic pacing. "Calm down for a moment. Just breathe." She finished as Ashley's shoulders relaxed and she could feel the steadying of her breaths, though her hands were clutching all sorts of objects.

"Could you give me a ride somewhere?" Ashley asked, hopeful and ready to think rationally. She inwardly cringed at her disoriented behavior moments before and was now determined to take charge of herself and the situation. She couldn't afford to go all unhinged now, in this moment of do or die. It could very well be the only chance she would get to turn the around back onto their intended path.

"I was getting ready to make that offer actually," Sandra replied with a genuine smile as though Ashley took the words right out of her mouth.

"Well, we won't be able to leave here any time soon due to the mob of people out there," Ashley said through a smile with a hint of exhaustion, sighing with her eyes closing. "But if you're hungry, because I know I am, we could order something from the kitchen."

"That would be great," Sandra replied softly as the realization dawned on her that this would be the first time that they had done anything together that wasn't sex; and she was over the moon to be hanging out with Ashley on a friendly basis. She only hoped that Ashley would open up to her even more so than she already had.

"Great," Ashley exclaimed through her genuine smile. Grabbing her cell phone from her dressing room table she flipped through a few numbers before landing on the one she needed. Dialing, she waited for an answer while asking, "What would you like? I highly recommend the Firecracker shrimp linguini, I used to order that a lot. But it's quite spicy. I can't really eat it anymore."

"Sounds good," she said, hopeful that they were getting somewhere, longing to be more than just acquaintances with benefits.

* * *

><p>Lying awake on the couch in the quiet darkness, Jessie had her feet propped up relaxing while waiting for Spencer to return when she heard the blonde's quietly failed attempt at entering the house unnoticed. She wondered for a moment if Spencer would look disheveled and flushed, the appropriate appearance of someone who had just made up with their ex after a long while apart. This caused a ghost of a smile to grace the woman's lips. Or maybe she was sneaking in because she wasn't alone… That thought morphed the ghost smile into an actual smile with a hint of teeth shining through, before it was quickly extinguished by another thought, one more rational. Surely nothing like that would have happened yet. The two still had so much work to do to get to that place; neither was ready for that kind of step.<p>

"Spence?" Jessie called out after deciding that the blonde was indeed alone. Surely if the two had been together, then they would have gone to Ashley's place with Spencer knowing that she was staying here tonight. They would want the privacy.

She waited. She heard no reply. She became worried.

"Spencer?" She called out again, this time with a softer more concerned voice. "Are you okay?"

Flipping the adjacent lamp on, she rose from the couch and began to make her way through the house towards the foyer. Hearing no footsteps but her own, she thought it odd due to the fact that the house had hardwood floors. She would have heard Spencer's footsteps if she had walked anywhere. This brought to the surface the worry that had slowly manifested itself in the pit of her stomach. The feeling was only confirmed and justified as she entered the foyer to find a crumpled form sitting against the back of the front door with her head buried in her knees.

Without hesitation, Jessie was immediately at her side on the floor with a hand caringly stroking the back of the blonde's head. "Spencer…" She was cut off as a sniffle broke through the silence and echoed resoundingly in the foyer.

"She's with someone," Spencer finally admitted aloud, though almost inaudibly, having been unable to form the words on the ride home, as her mind could neither wrap itself around the thought nor accept it. It was just unimaginable. Who could have thought that Ashley would have moved on that fast?

"What?" Jessie asked in confusion. Surely she had misheard what Spencer had mumbled through her shaky hands.

"Ashley is dating someone," she cried out as tears spilled from her eyes, soaking through her hands and penetrating her soul. She looked up and into Jessie's warm green eyes as she felt her heart break a little more. "The woman was backstage before I could even get there, and I had the VIP pass!"

"Spencer, that doesn't mean that she…" she quickly replied before being interrupted, trying to find another explanation that would make her friend feel any better.

"They were kissing on the couch," Spencer sobbed out softly before adding a bit louder, "She was on top of Ashley!"

"Are you sure?" Jessie asked stupidly before cringing at herself. "I mean…"

"I know what I saw," Spencer replied, standing up abruptly and walking towards the kitchen. She desperately needed a glass of water as her mouth had gone considerably dry and she felt like choking to death. "Trust me, I won't ever forget it."

"Okay…" Jessie slowly started, seeing if she would be cut off again. "So you did see it; but maybe it doesn't mean what you think."

"No," Spencer replied between grabbing the glass from the cabinet and filling it with water. She brought it to her lips and inwardly sighed as the liquid cooled its way down her throat, allowing her to feel a small, fraction of an ounce better. "It's okay if it is what I think because I have no right to be upset with Ashley. We're divorced. I've given her the right to see other people. I should be okay with it…" she trailed off as tears manifested once more. She sat the glass down with a shaky hand as she then brought both hands up to sob freely behind them.

Jessie clenched her jaw in sympathy as she enveloped the sobbing woman in her arms, "But you're not okay." Her hand made its way up Spencer's back to tangle in blonde locks, cradling her head lovingly against her. She felt Spencer's grip tighten as more violent sobs wracked her body. It was almost enough to conjure up her own tears.

"I have single-handedly managed to not only break Ashley's heart but my own as well," Spencer cried as she brought her head up to look into the eyes of the taller woman. "And all because I was afraid of her leaving _me_!" The statement ushered in deafening silence as the blonde's mouth had formed words before her mind had registered them.

Spencer's eyes widened in that moment followed by Jessie's mirrored expression, both almost too shocked to move. Finally the truth had come out. She had admitted out loud and understood once and for all why she had left Ashley… what exactly she was afraid of… and how she really felt. Her insecurities had caused her defenses to begin working in overdrive, forcing Ashley away before she had the chance to leave of her own accordance. All this time her mind had falsely led her into believing that it was all for Ashley's sake, when in reality, it was for herself; a defense mechanism.

"Spencer…" Jessie began hesitantly. She needed to reassure the broken, insecure woman before her. "Ashley wasn't going to leave you." She knew without a doubt that the singer loved Spencer more than life itself. She would never have left her.

Spencer shook her head in protest of Jessie's words, "I felt it. When she was gone on tour and then when she got back, it was like she couldn't stand to be around me. Every excuse she had, she was gone. She wanted to leave me. I guess I couldn't bear to wait around for that day."

"I don't believe that Spencer," Jessie replied with a shake of her head as she reached her hand up to softly brush blonde locks from Spencer's forehead. "And you shouldn't either."

"What am I going to do?" Spencer sighed out in defeat as she enveloped Jessie in a desperate hug, gripping tightly in search of comfort and answers.

"Well, you said that she's coming to your family's Christmas Eve dinner right?" Jessie asked softly as her hand stroked up and down the broken woman's back. Feeling Spencer nod against her, reluctant to break the hug, she then added, "That's like a week away. Maybe you can talk to her there… Find out more about this mystery woman."

"I don't want to know about her," Spencer sobbed as she shook her head, the tears soaking through Jessie's shirt. "I just want to forget her. Forget that I saw it."

"I know," she replied sympathetically as she gave a kiss to the top of Spencer's head.

Pulling back, Spencer wiped her red rimmed eyes of tears and looked up into the warm green eyes before her. "I'm so sorry Jessie."

"What are you sorry for?" Jessie asked in confusion as she stroked her hand up Spencer's arm. "Fear is hard thing to overcome."

"I'm sorry that I dragged you into all of this in the beginning. It was selfish of me. I know that," she paused as she glanced down at the ground. "If you hadn't got sick then I would feel really bad about marrying you like this. It would be like I was using you."

"Hey now," Jessie protested as she brought Spencer's head up to force sad blue eyes to look at her. "If I remember correctly, I'm the one who's using _you_ for the health insurance." She smirked teasingly trying to inspire a smile upon the sad lips before her.

"Speaking of which," Spencer frowned as she remembered. "Are you feeling okay?" She reached her hand up to gently feel Jessie's forehead as her eyes focused seriously on her friend. "Did you have a fever at all? We should probably make a doctor's appointment."

"Spencer," Jessie laughed at the worried woman. Shaking her head and steadying her, she continued, "Calm down. I'm fine. I think it was just something… I ate," she lied through a well-contained smile.

"You weren't sick at all were you?" Spencer asked in slight anger. "I worried about you all night," she said as she lightly slapped Jessie's arm.

"I'm sorry," she apologized with a laugh. "But…"

"You know, you could have just said that you didn't want to go," Spencer scolded as she walked towards the couch, quite ready to relax for a bit.

Sitting down, she propped her feet up on the coffee table and brought a hand to sooth her achy forehead. Tonight had taken a lot out of her as it were and she was beginning to feel the physical effects of her emotions.

"Do you need anything?" Jessie asked concernedly as she sat down beside Spencer, gently laying her arm around the blonde's shoulders.

It was in that moment that Spencer felt something, a feeling she couldn't quite assign to words or ascertain; but as the gentle hand clutched her shoulder softly, she felt it. Turning her head, she dropped her hand to her lap and glanced at the caring person beside her who had been there through so much, not once letting her get consumed by all of the unfortunate circumstances that had become her life thus far. As the hand that had never once failed to pull her up continued its ministrations, she suddenly felt her own hand inching towards a firm thigh situated beside her.

"You're such a good friend Jessie," she whispered softly as her voice caught for a moment. "I don't know what I would do without you."

"You'll never have to find out," Jessie immediately answered as similar feelings and emotions were happening within her, their eyes meeting in an intense gaze.

Without a second thought, or any thought really, Spencer abruptly brought her face to inches from Jessie's before allowing their lips to connect in a sealed moment of mutual love and gratitude. A soft shaky hand came up to tangle in short black locks as the kiss deepened and they moved even closer.

Jessie could feel herself questioning the moment as it happened, wondering if this was the right path with which they should seemingly stumble down. They had been good friends for so long, and though they had dated back in high school, they had never really been the kind of match that they should have been. The kind of soul-binding match that she knew within her heart that Spencer was with someone else.

As much as she was enjoying this, she knew she should stop it before they ventured into uncomfortable territory. Her hands found their way up a soft back as lips parted and tongues explored. She could feel Spencer shift towards her and awkwardly sit in her lap as the blonde desperately sought for more contact, contact she knew was meant for numbing.

She sighed into the kiss as she felt Spencer's hands clutch at the back of her neck, legs on either side of her now. She should stop this now. It wasn't what either of them wanted, and if they were honest, neither really felt this way for the other. However, that voice in the back of her head couldn't deny how good it felt to physically be this close to someone again. So, as it were, the kiss continued and they veered off the path of friendship for a moment.

Spencer could feel herself being pulled in two directions, and neither any better than the other. On one hand she was glad for the comfort, and after the day she'd had, it was much needed. It had been a while since she had felt needed by anyone, certainly not anyone by whom she wanted to be needed. And on the other, as she felt Jessie's hand move up her back, she could feel her heart painfully shudder, breaking as it seemingly betrayed Ashley, her love.

As if she had read Spencer's thoughts, Jessie gently broke the kiss with a shy smile. Pulling back, she ran her hand through Spencer's bangs as they remained in a close embrace. Their eyes locked on as Spencer fought her confusion and remained atop Jessie.

"Not that I don't enjoy kissing you," Jessie began with a genuine, yet shy smile. "But I don't think it's a wise idea."

"I know," Spencer replied softly as, unbeknownst to them, a figure lurked outside, frozen by the seemingly loving exchange.

* * *

><p>Ashley, standing motionless from shock, had arrived minutes before and had paused her ascent up the stairs of the familiar porch as something had caught her eye through the large bay window of the dining room. There in the distance, in perfect view and framed by the doorway between the dining room and living room, was Spencer straddling Jessie and fully kissing the life from her. She was utterly sure that her heart had sank through the pit of her stomach and had tumbled out into a heap of miserable scar tissue on the ground beneath her, all of the air in her lungs leaving her alone to choke on the reality before her, her shaky hands morphing into a shaky body, which then spread to shaky legs.<p>

She wasn't sure how she was still standing, but her feet had rooted themselves to the spot on the pathway, forcing her ever burning eyes to see just what she had so stupidly tossed away. This moment could have been hers, theirs. Finding it hard to swallow, she guessed it was her subconscious' own way of punishing her; and it was excruciating.

She wasn't naïve enough to believe that Spencer and Jessie hadn't done this numerous times before. They were _engaged_ and anyone would be a fool not to be affectionate, as she was witnessing in that moment, with the beautiful woman she loved with all her heart. It was just that she hadn't allowed herself to imagine it before now. Denial had been her mantra. It had led her to ignorantly believe that Spencer was still all hers. Ignorance is bliss. But this witnessed exchange had made it all too real and she instantly wished for the courage to walk into oncoming traffic, preferably on the 405.

As Jessie brought her hand up to lovingly brush Spencer's bangs from her forehead, Ashley imagined that their lips were whispering things that _they _had whispered time and again. It was completely nauseating. Seeing Spencer smile and Jessie laugh back, Ashley was glad for the inability to hear their exchange as seeing it was enough torture. To hear whispered vows of love would only bring about her version of the seventh level of hell.

* * *

><p>"As weird as that was," Jessie began with a laugh. "You are a very good kisser. It's only too bad it felt like kissing a relative." She pouted as Spencer laughed in reply.<p>

"Yeah," Spencer agreed as she regretfully brought her hand up to her forehead. "I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from."

"Hey don't worry about it," Jessie assured her as she shifted a bit. "We can safely say that we've quenched our curiosity and have mutually agreed to never mention it again."

"Sounds like a plan," Spencer replied with embarrassment as she moved from Jessie's lap. "I hope you don't think I'm complete slut now." She grimaced at the thought.

"Not at all Spence," Jessie shrugged off the thought, as absurd as it was. "Your heart is with someone else and I have a feeling it will remain there, even though you're divorced. It's not often that that happens to someone; and it's the furthest thing from slutty."

As she was hoisting herself up to move from her position in Jessie's lap, Spencer's eyes glanced momentarily through the dining room and widened as they landed on the lone figure of her love standing outside on the front walk. Her heartbeat sped up exponentially and she immediately feared the knowledge of what Ashley may or may not have seen; but judging from the catatonic expression on the beautifully hardened features of her ex, it was safe to say that she had seen everything.

And it had hurt.

"Oh God," Spencer breathed out as did Ashley at that exact same moment, both set of eyes widening in shock as they met each other's gaze.

As Ashley fought with her feet to move and run away, Spencer flung herself from the couch and darted to the front door, ripping it open and coming face to face with Ashley, who was too shocked to move in any one direction, deciding to just jerk her body in every direction as her heart pounded through her chest wall, looking for answers of what to do now.

Ashley silently cursed her feet for remaining planted and lifted her head up to address the woman in the doorway. Putting on her brave face and forcing her emotions in check, she lifted her hand and pathetically waved as she said through shaky words, "Hi there."

"Ashley?" Spencer furrowed her brow as she moved closer to the nervous woman. "What are you doing here?"

"I uh… I'm… just… umm." She stuttered out a pathetic response as she inwardly decided that 'pathetic' would be her new middle name. _Ashley Pathetic Davies. _"I came… to umm... to thank you… for coming tonight."

Spencer could tell without a doubt that Ashley was lying, having been with her long enough to memorize her mannerisms and nervous habits. Ashley was forcing herself to act nonchalant about it all and she knew that she had come here for some other reason than gratitude.

"Ash…" She began in an attempt to get Ashley to be honest but was immediately cut off.

"Thank you Spencer," Ashley pressed on with her façade through a quivering jaw and fake smile. "It meant a lot to me and I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you that backstage."

As she turned to leave, she was halted by Spencer's arm and voice, "Wait!" She turned back around to reluctantly meet questioning blue eyes. "Is that why you really came?"

Looking away, she sighed as she knew that it was futile. Spencer could read her like a book and she could never fool her into believing her sad attempts at acting fine. "No, but it doesn't matter."

"Why doesn't it matter?" Spencer asked with fear of the impending answer. She could tell by the look in the dark brown eyes she loved more than life, that they were seconds from breaking and flooding her heart.

"Because," Ashley replied barely above a broken whisper as a hand came up to rest on her cheek. The moment she felt the contact, her defenses erected and she pulled her face away and backed off of the walkway. "It just doesn't matter now."

Spencer watched as Ashley began to turn away once more, walking back to an unrecognizable car. She furrowed her brow for a moment in curiosity before deciding that there were much more important things to worry about.

"Ashley, please wait. Don't leave like this."

Ashley gritted her teeth before angrily turning around, facing the blonde once more but this time with stony black eyes instead of soft brown. "Like what Spencer? Upset?"

Spencer remained quiet before moving a short distance closer.

"Because I am upset," Ashley said sternly but softly, deciding that blowing up on Spencer would be completely ill-advised. "I'm so upset that my life is happening around me and I have no say in any of it. You say that you don't love me and then you divorce me to marry someone else. I'm heartbroken and it makes no sense to me, but I'm dealing with it. I can deal with it because…"

"Ashley…"

"Because I love you enough to let you go…" She paused as the admission was news to herself even. She had come here to fight for what she wanted, to fight for her _wife_, but her determination had faded the moment she saw lips meet. "I can let you go because I want you to be happy, even if it's not with me."

Spencer was stunned. She had no idea what she could possibly say to that. Ashley was letting her go. That was that. All she could do now was curse herself for not screaming out what her heart wanted to say. _I love you. I'm not happy. No one makes me as happy as you. I'm just scared. You could break me. You could be the death of me._ _I'm so weak._

Instead, she allowed Ashley to walk a few steps away from her before stupidly saying, "Will you still come to my parents next Saturday?" She cringed at herself in hatred.

Ashley turned slowly around and smiled a small smile, "Yes, I said I would be there. What time again?"

Spencer was again stunned at how civil and polite Ashley was being, when in fact the brunette had every right to detest her and yell and scream at her harshly. "Dinner will be at six next… Olivia will be so excited to see you."

Ignoring the smile on Spencer's face at the thought, Ashley once more voiced a question, "Okay if I bring a date?"

Spencer could feel her heart slow to a painful stop as her breath caught in her throat. A date? Was Ashley trying to hurt her now? Did it matter? She had every right, especially if Spencer was expected to bring Jessie.

"Uh…" Her voice faltered as the pain ardently tried to make itself known. "Yeah, that's fine. I'll let Dad know to make extra." She forced a smile to her face, though she was falling apart at the seams, much in the manner of witnessing a dam cracking as the force of the water split its foundation.

"Great," Ashley replied, void of any emotion. "I'll see you then." And with that, she turned and made her way down the driveway, climbing in the foreign vehicle.

Spencer allowed herself a moment to process the interaction. What were they doing? Some kind of dance? Was it a game? She had wanted to tell Ashley how she felt at the show, but chickened out and now Ashley had seemingly done the same. They really were a match made in heaven, a weird and fucked up version of Heaven.

As she watched the Porsche SUV drive away, she wondered if she could handle this _game _much longer. It was breaking both their hearts and anyone with eyes could see that. She only hated herself more for initiating it. Maybe she could throw in the towel at Christmas dinner. All she needed to do was voice her fears to Ashley and they could begin to work through it all. However, the only thing scarier than her fears was, in fact, saying them out loud to the one person who needed to hear them.

* * *

><p>Once they were a safe distance away from the uncomfortable atmosphere, Ashley pondered for a moment before blurting out, "Would you like to come back to my place? I know that we usually go to yours but I was thinking that maybe you would like to watch a movie or something... with me."<p>

Sandra glanced over to the seemingly nervous singer for a moment in shock of the unexpected rant. "That sounds like fun," she answered with a smile as her hand made its way over to Ashley's leg.

Ashley could feel her skin crawl for a moment, not in disgust but more anxiety. What was she doing? Surely she wasn't trying to start anything more with the woman. She was in no position to start a relationship of even the smallest significance with anyone. However, before she could let that thought process, she heard herself saying, "Maybe I'll tell you about my scar."

She glanced at Sandra and saw a genuine smile form, knowing that the woman had been upset before when she had asked about Ashley's scar only to be harshly rejected. This made Ashley even more nervous as now there were expectations, strings that she was expected to hold. The simplicity had suddenly drained from their… whatever it was and she only had herself to thank for making the drastic change. But maybe the only way to move on was to open up to someone new.


	14. Further Down the Spiral of Us

**Chapter Fourteen **

_"ASHLEY…" she heard her wife call up from downstairs as she continued searching through various drawers and closets, adamantly looking for the t-shirt that her daughter had picked out for her for her twenty-sixth birthday. "ARE YOU ALMOST DONE? THE LIMO IS OUTSIDE."_

_Grunting in frustration, she continued her efforts, flipping clothes around left and right. She would find that shirt and wear it tonight if her life depended on it. It was a charcoal gray rocker tee with a red and white flying V guitar in the middle with 'My mom rocks' on a banner across the top. Ashley had been on cloud nine when she had opened the gift, unaware that her daughter knew what her favorite guitar was. The absolute best part however, was the adorable scribbled signature of her daughter's that Spencer had taken somewhere to have embroidered underneath the guitar, towards the bottom. It had melted her heart to get such a personal gift from her daughter, though anything would have done the trick. Given that the shirt meant so much to her, it was obvious that she would want to wear it for good luck to the Grammy Awards ceremony that night, having been nominated in several categories including Best Pop Solo Performance, Song of the Year, Album of the Year and Best Short Form Music Video. Her nerves were running high at that point and she needed to find that t-shirt._

_"SPENCE…" she called out loudly as she bent over to empty the contents of her dresser's bottom drawer. She would have to remember to tip Glenda, their weekly house cleaning lady, extra well later for straightening up this disaster that would rival that of any tornado or hurricane. "HAVE YOU SEEN MY SHIRT?" She needn't elaborate because there was only one shirt she could be referring to with such desperation._

_Coming to stand just inside the doorway to their bedroom, Spencer tilted her head in adoration as she watched amusedly as a frantic Ashley made her way through their entire wardrobe. Smirking, she moved closer towards the fumbling brunette before leaning down and stilling rapidly moving hands with her own._

_"Babe, calm down," she said lovingly as her thumbs gently stroked the backs of shaky hands. "Did you check the hook on the bathroom door?"_

_Standing up, Ashley whirled around to come face to face with her elegantly gorgeous wife, clad in a classic form fitting strapless green dress with a slit up the left side, allowing for a succulent view of a long tan leg. Her breath caught in her throat as she once again experienced momentary paralysis in her wife's presence, wondering what she could have done in a previous life to deserve this vision of beauty. She could feel her heart rate slow to a calming pace and her once shaky hands came up to rest gently on the bare shoulders before her. Swallowing her lump and unable to blink, she barely managed to whisper her reaction._

_"God Honey… you look absolutely stunning," she got out before running her fingertips through the loose tendrils of blonde hair that fell against a soft cheek from the tightly wound bun on the side of her head, held in place by hidden burettes. Her lips were a blood red and it almost reminded Ashley of the classically elegant blonde bombshells of the 1950's. "Seriously, Spence, no one's going to even notice me with you on my arm."_

_"I doubt that very much babe," Spencer shook her head, blushing at the compliment. "You're quite gorgeous yourself."_

_Ashley's hand then ran down her wife's neck and along a delicate collarbone, lightly running her fingertips along the studded diamond necklace that she had given her last year on their fourth wedding anniversary. "Have I told you that I would die for you?"_

_"All of the time Darling," Spencer replied as she ran her own hand up and across the toned contours of Ashley's exposed stomach. Her wife had been gifted with a rock hard body to die for; and it was all she could do to maintain her composure with Ashley standing inches away in tight leather pants and a black bra. "But Ash, please don't let that be any time soon. And please get dressed now or we will never make it to the Grammy's."_

_"Is that so?" Ashley asked teasingly with a smirk as she wiggled her eyebrows. Taking note of how turned on her wife seemed to be, she then continued with, "Well then, judging by that reaction, I think I will just forgo any and all shirts for the evening and we can just be on our way." She turned away and lifted her elbow in a gesture for Spencer to take it and follow._

_Spencer's mouth fell open slightly as she moved to take the offered elbow, but instead shifted her hand lower and pinched Ashley squarely in the ribs, causing the brunette to flinch away and giggle adorably._

_"My dear, as perfect as your torso is and as sinful as it is to cover it up, I don't know how I feel about sharing it with the rest of the world… No that's a lie." She crossed her arms in front of her in determination. "I refuse to share."_

_"Well then," Ashley smiled lovingly before leaning in and kissing awaiting red lips. "I'd better find my shirt." She then bent down once again to resume her hunt through the abyss of their dresser with Spencer watching with an amused smile. "Damn I could have sworn it was in here! It is clean right?"_

_Spencer laughed softly before turning and disappearing into the adjoining bathroom. She emerged a few moments later, her left hand clutching a hanger holding the not-so-lost shirt, which she had hung on the bathroom door for her wife the night before, knowing that Ashley would freak out and have trouble finding it. She held in her right hand a cool black blazer, complete with a white tie hanging from its hanger. She wasn't about to just let Ashley show up to the Grammy's in a t-shirt, thus she had taken the liberty to order the black blazer and white tie from Armani months before._

_"Here Ash," she said softly as she handed over the rest of the outfit, noticing how her wife's face relaxed in relief. "Bathroom door..."_

_"Right," Ashley replied while closing her eyes in remembrance, before taking the shirt and slipping it on. She adjusted the collar comfortably before smoothing out the front of her most prized article of clothing. Though her leather pants out priced the shirt by nearly two-thousand dollars, they could never come close to having more value than the shirt, which was priceless to the proud mother._

_Once Ashley had the shirt situated, Spencer lifted the blazer from the thick wooden hanger and slipped it on over her wife's sinewy arms and to her shoulders, smoothing the back lovingly before lifting curly brown hair from under the collar and running her hands down over shoulders and resting on forearms. She gently turned her wife around to get a glimpse of the outfit from the front, noting with a smile how sexy she looked in leather pants that fitted and curved with each muscle, stopping short to leave her ankles exposed. Though Ashley hated dressing up and was a bit of a tomboy, she had no oppositions to completing this outfit with a pair of black pointy toed stilettos that made Spencer's heart race. It wasn't often she was able to see her wife in such a girly accessory. Any other day, she would have insisted on wearing her biker boots._

_Ashley watched Spencer's reaction with an amused smirk before huskily asking, "You like?"_

_"Like…" she replied through a smile while running her hands down Ashley's arms, then her sides, and finally coming to rest on leather clad hips, before bringing one hand around to squeeze a tight backside. "Doesn't even begin to describe it. God you look sexy as hell in these pants."_

_Ashley could only manage a throaty gasp in reaction to the firm grip as she pulled her wife closer and brought her lips to just a millimeter from her ear, whispering seductively, "Spencer, the only thing that looks good on me…" She slowly outlined the shell of her ear with the tip of her tongue, causing Spencer to shudder in her arms, her pulse quickening and her center flooding."Is you."_

_Sighing through her open mouth, Spencer released her hold on Ashley's ass, before turning her head towards panting lips and adding with equally matched seduction, "And quite possibly…" She jutted her tongue out to run along Ashley's lip, causing the brunette to lean forward, aching for more contact as Spencer then took that bottom lip between her teeth. Spencer then pulled back with a vindictive smile and broke off all contact between them, giggling at Ashley's closed eyes and dazed expression, bringing her hand up to display the object. "This white tie."_

_"Spencerrrr…" Ashley groaned almost painfully as she opened her eyes and glared at her laughing wife. "That was so mean."_

_"Oh?" Spencer questioned with a raised eyebrow. "And what about what you did? You know what happens when you do that."_

_Ashley smiled a lopsided smile as she thought of her action, knowing how much it turned her wife on. "But you liked it…"_

_"And way too much, considering we have somewhere to be," Spencer finished with playfully gritted teeth before gesturing for Ashley to lift up her hair. Once obliged, she lifted the tie, wrapping it around her wife's smooth neck and began to tie it with practiced expertise._

_"Um…" Ashley furrowed her brow in confusion at the ease with which Spencer handled the tie, completely catching the brunette off guard. "Should I be worried?"_

_Spencer finished in no time before looking up to meet dark brown eyes, scrunching her eyebrows as well and asking, "About what?" She then began to button Ashley's blazer over the top of the shirt and tie, two buttons to be exact, before bringing her hands to lock behind the tie clad neck._

_"About whatever guy you've been practicing that on?" Ashley laughed lightly as she watched Spencer's head tilt in that adorable way, her hands circling the blonde's waist, melding their bodies together perfectly._

_Spencer chuckled throatily before answering with amusement, "I guess... if you consider our daughter to be a guy." Sensing Ashley's further confusion, she then added, "I picked it up from the shop and realized that neither of us could tie it, so I made her my guinea pig."_

_"Aww," Ashley said with mock sympathy for her daughter. "Well how sweet of you."_

_Spencer laughed before poking her wife in the rips and backing away, "Plus, I said you would get her one if she were good and helped me."_

_"One what?" She asked in complete confusion, not really sure whether she wanted an answer or not._

_"A guinea pig, Ash," Spencer said as though it were the most obvious thing. "She really wants a pet and you have been dragging your heels about it."_

_Ashley grimaced before shaking her head in disgust and whining, "I hate rodents… Spencerrr…"_

_"Wow," she replied in shocking laughter at Ashley's childlike display. "And to think that you're up for multiple Grammy's."_

_That statement effectively brought Ashley's nerves grinding back to the forefront as her expression shifted and her anxiety made itself known. Taking a deep breath and shaking her balled up fists at her side, bouncing a bit, she looked to her wife and shyly asked, "You think I'll win?"_

_"Babe," she said sweetly with a tilt of her head, her blue eyes gazing straight into brown. "Don't you see it?" She then brought her soft hands to gently rest, one on Ashley's cheek and the other over her heart, needing Ashley to understand just how much she loved everything about her. "You've already won."_

_Smiling with a newfound confidence and feeling her nerves dissipate, Ashley leaned forward and pressed her lips to her wife's, relishing in the moment for as long as possible before she was expected to appear in front of millions. Her hands slid over a smooth back before resting on two very perfect hip bones, squeezing them slightly and then deepening the kiss. She was over worrying about the Grammy's and her appearance that night, neither even the tiniest bit as important as the moment she was in. All she cared to focus on in that moment was how amazing it felt to hold her wife and kiss the world away._

* * *

><p>A few stray tears managed to burn their way down her cheeks as she thought of that day. She had taken home all but one Grammy she had been nominated for; but during the awards ceremony, she had only been able to see and think of one thing. One person, and she had been right there with her the whole time, never letting go of her hand.<p>

It had been one of her most memorable nights because it had signaled something to her. It wasn't just an awards show or a chance to prove to others how hard she had worked. It was the opportunity to share the gift of life with Spencer; to know that no matter how high she climbed and how far she went, the love of her life was right there with her, ready to stand behind her. It had been so reassuring and comforting. Up to that point, even though they were married and had a beautiful daughter together, she had felt her doubts and fears that one day it might be too much for Spencer; she might decide that she wasn't cut out for a life with a rock star and leave. All those fears had vanished, however, when Ashley had taken the stage for the first of several acceptance speeches. The moment her eyes locked onto blues from the spotlight, she had felt a new found sense of strength course through her veins and it was inspiring to say the least.

"Ashley?"

A soft voice broke through her thoughts as the patio door slid open; alerting her to her very present company and abruptly bringing her right back to her harsh reality, one in which there was no one holding her hand and standing beside her. One where her strength had been depleted and her inspiration had all but vanished. There were no blue eyes anymore.

She had been sitting in the same position on her patio just outside her bedroom for hours now; her feet underneath her and her knees up by her chin, just watching the traffic go by in a somber daze. Her eyes had never quite managed to focus on anything in particular, just gazing down at the city below wishing for a way to rewind everything. To go back and start over.

It was early morning now, the sun just beginning to light up the sky and a hazy mist still spread throughout the atmosphere, blanketing the city in a cool light fog. With a heavy heart, she had fled the bedroom shortly after Sandra had fallen asleep in an attempt to free herself of the guilt and distance herself from her actions. Last night had been a whirlwind of one mistake after another. Never once, had she pictured herself allowing things to go this far; and she was disgusted. She didn't even feel like herself anymore. It was almost as though she had given up herself and was right back to being the old Ashley, the one that she was never proud of.

Firstly, she had surprised herself by inviting the realtor over to her penthouse, against her better judgment. (Which the rest could have been avoided if handled differently)

Secondly, she had opened up much more than she had ever intended to, telling the woman about her scar and the events leading up to its inception.

Thirdly, she had opened up a giant can of vulnerability and cried herself stupid. (Which explains the rest)

Fourthly, they had engaged in much more intimacy than ever before, physical and/or otherwise. (Before it had just been about sex)

Fifthly, she had agreed to slowly take things in a much more serious direction. (Which she would now be correcting)

And lastly but certainly not least, she had betrayed herself and allowed Sandra to crack open a bottle of wine that came from somewhere unknown, thus effectively ending her sobriety and completely making her less than worthy of anything with Spencer now.

It had been hours now and she was still fighting with herself to wrap her mind around the events of the previous night. How had it all managed to unfold like that, and before her very own eyes no less?

She had been an active participant in everything, even initiating most of the actions. She had been fully aware of what she was doing and now there was nothing she could do or say to herself to take away the feeling of disappointment. It was consuming her and morphing her feelings into self-disgust and hate.

Shutting her eyes tight, in a manner to ward off any frustration, she took one last inhale from her cigarette before flinging it over the ledge and turning her head to bring her gaze up to meet questioning eyes.

"What are you doing out here?" Sandra asked before shivering slightly. It was well before six o'clock and the morning air was much cooler this time of year. It almost warranted the need for a coat, if not at the very least a light weight jacket. "It's cold," she whispered while wrapping her arms around herself.

Ashley glanced over the woman's attire and took a displeased note that she had chosen to wear her robe. She could feel her heart rate quicken as she realized that things had crossed way too many lines last night and there was no way that she could continue with this.

"Sandra, I…" She began with a shaky voice before her breath hitched as the woman moved to curl up beside her on the bench.

"How are you not cold?" Sandra interrupted while rubbing her hands up and down Ashley's rigid arms.

"I'm not cold," Ashley replied with a monotone voice as she shrugged off the woman's hands. "Look, we have to talk about last night…"

"I know what you're thinking baby," she interrupted again while Ashley grimaced at the use of a pet name. "We just need to take things slow and not worry about…"

"I can't!" Ashley blurted out while coming to stand up, putting much desired distance between them. "I can't be with you Sandra." She paused with a shaking head, leaving Sandra momentarily speechless. "I can't be with anybody."

Sandra could only scrunch her eyebrows as she shook her head, replying, "Of course you can."

"Look… I'm sorry for what happened last night, but it was all a big mistake. I can't do this." Ashley's voice was unwaveringly stern as her hand signaled between them both.

"Ashley, you opened up to me," she began with confidence and stood to match the singer. "You can't deny that there was a reason that you felt you could."

"I was hurting! I'd had an emotional night," she defended, becoming quite angry with the situation. "And to top it all off, I saw my wi…" She caught herself before correcting, "Spencer with her fiancée! You don't think that I may have been a bit desperate and vulnerable?"

"You don't need to yell at me okay?" Sandra said with equally matched anger. "I know that you were upset." Her voiced then switched tones and she crossed the patio to stand inches from the furrowed-browed woman before her. "But I also know that you trusted me and you turned to me in your time of need." She then brought her hand up to gently caress Ashley's cheek.

Ashley wasted no time in backing away and out of the interaction, saying with regret, "I used you last night. I needed to forget and you were there. That was it. That's all you have been to me." She paused as she noticed tears forming in the eyes before her. "I'm really sorry that things got so screwed up last night. At the club, I caught a glimpse of the kind of friend you could've been to me; but now we can't be friends. And I can't be more."

"So that's it?" Sandra asked sternly while wiping her eyes. "We have an incredible night together and you finally let me in only to throw me away the next morning?"

"Last night was never supposed to happen," Ashley said as she brought her hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose. "You and I both know that. Things got carried away and I went too far. I gave up my sobriety!" She almost teared up at the confession.

"I'm sorry," Sandra replied as she looked to her feet. She had never meant for Ashley to do such a thing.

"I take the blame for it all, Sandra, believe me. Sex with us was fine, great even; but last night it became something more and, for me, the feelings just aren't there to back that up. I'm sorry," she apologized as she raised her hand to rest it caringly on the woman's shoulder.

"Why is it that every time I find an amazing woman, they're always emotionally unavailable?" She asked as she brought a hand up to wipe her tears.

"I don't know," Ashley answered with sincerity, letting her hand drop to her side again. "Life is challenging that way; but you will find someone who's all about you."

Feeling defeated and nodding her head in understanding, Sandra slouched back down on the bench and looked out over the city, the sun slowly beginning to show itself and spread its warmth. "You know," She began with a sad smile. "I feel like we could have been so perfect together."

"Sandra," Ashley said sympathetically as she brought a hand to gently rub the woman's shoulder again. "That's just it. I'm already perfect with someone else. It's just all fucked up right now." She looked down in regret as her hand left the shoulder and they silently sat side by side. "But that will never go away for me."

"Ashley," Sandra said after several minutes of just the two of them sitting there. Ashley turned her head to meet the woman's gaze. "If you love her this deeply, then you shouldn't stop. Last night was hard for you, I know, but you shouldn't give up hope. She's there too, trust me."

Scrunching her brows in confusion, Ashley wasted no time in asking, "What makes you say that?"

"Please, if her eyes are any indication of how she feels," she replied with a small smile. "Then she feels exactly the same for you as you do her. I saw the way she looked at you in the dressing room."

"But I saw her with Jessie after that," Ashley shook her head in even more confusion. "They were on the couch… together… I just…" She trailed off, having no words for how she had felt in that moment watching Spencer with Jessie.

"Don't be so clueless, Ashley," Sandra replied with a bit of frustration. "You know that she loves you. You said so yourself. Maybe she is just employing your _fantastic_technique of using someone to forget someone else."

"Sandra, I really am sorry for that," Ashley defended before saying, "But she doesn't have to forget me. I'm right here; and I don't want to go anywhere."

"Maybe she doesn't see it that way."

* * *

><p>"Spencer?" Jessie asked slowly, her face contorting with confusion as she took in her surroundings. "What is all of this?" She gestured to the covered table with a blonde at the head of it. She had woken up a few minutes before, coming downstairs only to be rewarded by a mass of magazines and boxes lining the dining room.<p>

"What does it look like?" Spencer asked with an amused chuckle as she flipped through a magazine and tabbed a page with a pink post-it, taking a drink of her coffee in the process.

"It looks like a lot of bridal magazines…" She said hesitantly as she rounded the corner and came to join Spencer at the table on the adjacent side.

"Good guess," she replied with a wink.

Her eyes squinted even more in confusion as she searched her mind for any reason for their presence, replying, "But… why?"

"Well…" She tabbed another page before circling something she liked with a black marker. "We are getting married."

"In a courthouse…" Jessie replied slowly with lifted eyebrows, emphasizing the unnecessary nature of the planning that the blonde was currently engaged in.

"I was thinking about that and I don't know that that's the way to go," Spencer shrugged as she organized a stack of magazines to the right of her. Checking off something from her checklist that appeared out of nowhere, she then added, "I just don't know how believable that will be. I don't want our cover to be blown and have you go without the treatment. Who knows how much you will need? It will be more real this way."

"What brought this on?" She asked as she handed a book that Spencer gestured for.

"Nothing…" She could sense Jessie's apprehension and quickly corrected. "I was just thinking about ways in which we would look obvious… you know? The reasons for us getting married and all."

"Mhmm," Jessie nodded, totally not convinced at all. "And this would have nothing to do with last night?"

"Look…" Spencer paused, not quite sure how to verbalize what she wanted to say. "I still, for the life of me, cannot figure out what happened last night. I mean… one minute I'm watching Ashley on stage, giving me every reason to believe that she's sorry and that she regrets hurting me in the way that she did. And then the next minute, I'm backstage watching some lanky woman all over her and I could tell that they knew each other. It just doesn't add up."

"Well maybe it wasn't quite what it looked like backstage," Jessie offered as she reached across the table to still awkward hands. She could tell that Spencer was fighting everything inside of her to remain composed and together.

"I've been wracking my brain all night trying to understand her actions," Spencer shook her head as she brought her hand up to her forehead in thought. "I don't get why she would do that and then drive all of the way over here to what? Ask if she could bring a date?"

"Well you said yourself that she saw us last night and was upset," Jessie reasoned. "Maybe she's trying to get over it. Maybe you're misreading all of her signals."

"Actually, I think it's safer to say that I misread the signals from her on stage," Spencer shrugged as she looked down at her hands, Jessie's resting on top. "I just can't believe that she would do that. It feels like she wanted to hurt me. She knew that I would want to find her afterwards and talk about what she had done. She knew that it would have that effect on me! Yet she invited someone else backstage so that I could see them together. Was it some kind of a joke?"

"Spencer…" Jessie shook her head as she was interrupted.

"No! It was timed so perfectly that I have a hard time believing that it was all just some coincidence." She shook her head as tears threatened to form. Bringing her hand up to wipe them away, she braced her head and closed her eyes. "I know that I am in no position to say anything about what she does because I know what I've done. I've been so dishonest and manipulative to the point where I hate myself for it, but I never once intentionally tried to hurt her like that."

"You really think that's what she did?" She asked with disbelief. Even she knew that Ashley wouldn't do such a thing; and she was confused beyond reason as to why the woman before her didn't "You really think that she wanted to hurt you?"

"It feels that way," Spencer whispered without pause before adding. "And maybe she felt bad for doing it and came over to apologize and then changed her mind."

"Don't you think you're reading too far into this?" Jessie asked with an upturned lip. It was in that moment that she really took in her friend's appearance; baggy eyes that were red-rimmed and pale cheeks. Her posture was slouched and her hands were a bit shaky. All sure signs of sleep deprivation. That explained the sudden theory. She'd been up all night dwelling on the situation and had allowed her tired mind to run rampant, formulating all sorts of explanations. This would also explain the sudden OCD in wedding planning. "Have you been up all night doing…" She gestured her hands around, indicating all of the magazines and various samples. "This?"

"You know, all I did was try to put space between us before we hurt each other too much…" She began, completely ignoring Jessie's previous question. "To the point where we would never be able to come back from. I know that I went about it in the worst way possible, but I was at a loss. I honestly didn't know what else to do… I couldn't save us. And then you needed me and… I know that I hurt her deeply, but I was also trying to protect us both… from each other." She finished her tired rant and took a sip of her coffee.

"I still have a hard time believing that she would do that to you," Jessie replied as she reached for the blonde's hand once more, wanting to calm her nerves and get her to see reason. "In fact, you and I both know that she wouldn't. She loves you."

"Yeah well," she paused as she inhaled deeply. "There's a lot about Ashley that you don't know. I mean I never got to meet bitter and resentful Ashley, but I've heard all kinds of stories about how she was before I knew her. She can be real quick to act on instinct and rash and hotheaded." She paused for a moment as her voice caught in her throat. "I mean, I can only imagine how she feels about me right now, and I don't blame her. I don't blame her one bit; but I just never thought that she would do something like that."

"And maybe she didn't Spencer," Jessie added comfortingly as she rubbed the pad of her thumb over the back of Spencer's hand. "Maybe you're just tired and you've convinced yourself of the worst. Once you rest, maybe you'll feel differently."

"Whatever," Spencer said solemnly. "This doesn't even matter right now. What does matter is securing a slot at the Terranea Resort last minute."

"Wow!" Jessie exclaimed with surprised eyes. "Don't you think that's a bit overboard? Actually all of this is." She gestured around once again with wide eyes. "And expensive."

Spencer's shoulders slumped as she realized that Jessie had a point. If they couldn't pay for the hospital bills and treatment fees without dipping into Ashley's money, then they certainly were not about to use it to fund a wedding. It would be wrong on so many levels and Spencer was not about to use the money Ashley had given her. She would never be able to bring herself to use it for anything.

"You're right Jessie," she replied with a small sigh. "We can just hire a minister and have a small, decorative, wedding at my parent's country club."

"Or we can just go to the courthouse," Jessie bargained as she thought of how dumb all of this was. If only her pride could allow her to borrow the money that Spencer's parents had offered before this whole scheme, then they wouldn't need the health insurance.

"I just think that would be too obvious," Spencer rebutted before mockingly adding in a TV journalist's voice, "_Couple gets married in court house and then jet sets off to the nearest hospital._Yeah, that won't have the insurance fraud investigators all over us."

"It wouldn't if we wait a while before having the procedures done," Jessie deadpanned before receiving a light smack to her arm.

"You know as well as I do that you can't wait," Spencer chastised as she glared at her friend with a less than amused expression. "You need that as soon as possible and I need something to do in the meantime. Please just let me plan this wedding and keep my mind off of things."

"You really think that will work?" She asked with a smirk.

"Probably not, but before you woke up, I was so engrossed in color schemes that I hadn't thought of Ashley for all of two minutes," she declared with a somber expression.

"But doesn't planning a wedding make you think of your last one?"

"I didn't really plan my last one," she replied softly as Jessie looked on in confusion. "We were going to have a big wedding, but we were both too busy to really plan it. Ashley asked me what I wanted then called in some favors. We flew to Hawaii and had our wedding/honeymoon over an amazing weekend. It was simple with only our parents, Glen, Madison, and Kyla there." She said fondly as she thought back on the small ceremony. "Ashley had arranged an array of flowers and decorations in this beautiful resort on a black sand beach in Maui, complete with a string quartet and a Greco-Roman archway. She had all our attire flew in before we arrived and when we got there it was like the staff had transformed into our own personal crew. They did everything perfectly for us and made sure that we were well taken care of."

"That sounds amazing," Jessie said with a small smile.

"It was," Spencer confirmed with a faraway look in her eyes. "All in all it took about ten minutes to plan and two hours of phone calls from Ashley. I never bothered to ask how much she spent. It didn't really matter to either of us." She sadly looked down at her hands as she remembered the greatest day of her life.

"Do you regret not having time for a big wedding?" Jessie asked, though she wasn't sure why. It didn't really matter at that point.

"Not really," Spencer answered with honesty. "I mean Ashley was busy with the album and touring and it ended up being an incredible weekend. Though she did take me on a proper honeymoon after the tour ended." It was at that moment that her exhaustion caught up with her and she allowed herself to yawn.

"Spencer," she said with acknowledgment. "Why don't you take a break from this and get some rest."

"I'm fine Jessie, really," she argued through a continuing yawn. "I will rest once I have the color scheme picked and the venue secured. We only have like four weeks to get this situated."

Sighing in defeat, Jessie reluctantly asked, "Do you need any help?"

Spencer could only smile through her heavily lidded eyes as she handed Jessie a magazine and happily replied, "You can start by picking what you want to wear."


	15. I Can't Take It

**Chapter Fifteen**

She hurriedly made her way from the elevator and to the front door of her sister's newly purchased penthouse apartment, bringing her hand up without hesitation to unlock the door and barge right it. It would definitely take some getting used to for her to visit her sister on this side of town, but she was too worried in that moment to care. Her heart was pounding and her breathing was heavy as she glanced around in search of Ashley. She had neither seen nor heard from her sister in over four days, an uncommon occurrence. Since she had become Ashley's manager, she had kept in regular contact with her sister on a daily basis; and this lack of contact only prompted a worried visit.

Walking inside, she took note of how dark and depressing the place was, a stark contrast to how bright and inviting it had been when they had toured it a few weeks ago. Now however, the shades were crookedly drawn and there were pillows, clothes, shoes, and numerous other items thrown haphazardly around the open-plan living room/dining room. Ashley had never really been one for tidying and housework, but even this would have been a bit much for her to live with.

As she walked through the living room/dining room, she made the effort to tidy up a bit, tossing the pillows back on the couch and straightening up the dining chairs. It was as though a hurricane had hit, leaving nothing untouched in its wake. _Hurricane Sandra,_she thought as she shook her head. She was in the middle of gathering a pile of clothes, when her hand brushed something cool and glassy. Pulling the clothes up to inspect further, she leaned back over to retrieve the object and outwardly gasped in shock at what she had uncovered.

There, in her shaky hand in all its glory, was an uncorked and empty bottle of Chardonnay.

She couldn't help but allow her mouth to gape open as she dropped the clothes and brought the bottle to her nose, praying against reason that it was somehow nonalcoholic. With a strong whiff, she scrunched her brows and realized that it was sadly much more than that. She could feel the fear set in the pit of her stomach at what had possibly happened; and coupled with the lack of contact from her sister for the past few days, her worry increased tenfold.

She wasted no time in scurrying over to the kitchen to dispose of the unwelcome bottle into the garbage, never to been seen from again. It was bad enough that Ashley had failed to call her since her show on Friday, and seeing as it was now Tuesday she had every right to worry, but add in the empty bottle and the situation almost angered her. How could Ashley have done such a thing? She had worked so hard at maintaining her sobriety thus far, and successfully so. How could she have given up so easily?

Turning on her heels to search further for her sister, Kyla marched towards the dimly lit hallway and sighed as she saw even more clothes and bottles, this time beer, littering the place. The anger took up residence inside her as she continued her trek towards the bedroom and, not bothering to knock, she burst through the door and wasted no time in raising her voice.

"What the fuck is all of this Ashley?" She yelled out before allowing herself the chance to look around.

She immediately felt her anger subside as she noticed a figure lying on the floor in the fetal position, surrounded by countless crumpled photographs and keepsakes, shaking as tears fell from sad eyes. Without hesitation, she crossed the room, effortlessly climbing over the bed to come to crouch directly in front of her heartbroken sister. She could see just how distraught her sister really was as sad brown eyes never took notice of the person who was now in front of them. They only continued to purge tears and stare straight ahead.

"Ash?" She questioned with concern as she lifted her sister's chin to bring them face to face. "What's going on?"

Hands wasted no time in flying into the air and flinging photos every which way, causing them in turn to fall and scatter around them as Ashley moved to a sitting position. A choked sobbed left her throat as she blinked back tears that seemed to relentlessly fall. It was in vain however, as those tears would not be restrained. Her head slumped down as tremors racked through her body, causing her shoulders to shudder and her breath to catch. She had finally succumbed to the weight of the past few weeks, allowing herself to completely fall apart.

Kyla hesitated for only a moment as she felt her own guilt wash through her body before throwing her arms around her sister's frail figure and pulling her into a tight, comforting embrace. It had been many years since she had seen her strong sister in such a state as this, thirteen to be exact. The day they heard of their long-lost father's death had been one of Ashley's hardest times, naively believing that he would've come back some day. It had surprised Kyla that her sister hadn't broken down again in the same manner during the death of her daughter; but she guessed that it was long overdue now and happening at that very moment.

Her eyes scanned around at the photographs, taking in many different moments as she held her trembling sister. Each photo was a cherished memory and forever embedded within her sister's heart. Many of the photos had been used in the dedication slide show that had played over the last song of Friday's performance, pictures of a once very happy and very loving family. A family that had been torn apart unjustly.

She allowed her hands to rub circles around Ashley's back as her voice tried desperately to sooth the ache in her sister's heart, softly uttering, "Shh... Ash. You're not alone... I'm here for you and I always will be." Her own heart broke as she felt her body echo the sound of Ashley's guttural sob which had made its way through her chest wall. "What do you need Ash? Tell me what you need, Sweetie."

"Kyla..." a soft, almost inaudible voice choked out as shaky hands balled up into fists, gripping her shirt and holding her tightly. Kyla's eyes slammed shut as she wished she could absorb all of her sister's pain and bear the weight of it herself.

"Talk to me Ash," she softly demanded as her hand came up to cradle the curly haired head, rubbing gently. "Let it all out." Ashley only sobbed further into Kyla's chest at that moment, causing tears to form in Kyla's eyes as they sat huddled together in the dark confines of her bedroom's corner.

"I was so stupid Kyla… I let them down..." Ashley further cried as she pulled away from her sister, her hand coming up and wiping at her eyes as she shook her head in disappointment. "I let everyone down."

Kyla didn't completely understand the cryptic mutterings, but she figured it must have had something to do with the empty alcoholic bottles she had seen littered throughout the house. She didn't feel the anger anymore as one would have thought, only deep sympathy and concern. She was having a hard time blaming Ashley for falling off the wagon when she guessed that she would have done much worse if the situation would have been her own. She watched through a few stray tears as her sister clutched at her forehead and continued to shake her head. This was a woman with deep regret.

"Ashley, you haven't let anyone down," she attempted her best at trying to reassure her sister that no one would blame her. "Do you hear me?" she asked once she realized that Ashley wasn't listening to her. She then brought her hand under her sister's chin to once again force her to meet her gaze. "You haven't done anything wrong."

"How can you say that Kyla?" Ashley questioned as she wiped her tears away further. "I'm sure you've seen all of the bottles." She gestured towards the rest of the apartment.

"No one would blame you," Kyla said with conviction as she brushed a stray auburn curl behind a cold ear.

Ashley just shrugged off the gesture as she replied, "I do."

"My dear sister," Kyla said softly with adoration. "You've been through hell and back. Most people might've done a lot worse in your situation."

"I ruined my sobriety," she said sullenly as she looked down in guilt.

"Yeah you did Ash," she agreed before thinking of a way to turn this around, "But you chose to do so with wine and beer, knowing they wouldn't affect you that much. I mean..." she paused as Ashley looked up in confusion.

Was she really defending her?

"You have a pretty high tolerance, Ash. You could have gone out and picked the most loaded liquor at the store, but you didn't. You didn't allow it to control you," she finished with a soothing hand gently rubbing up and down Ashley's upper arm.

"It doesn't matter Kyla!" Ashley exclaimed. She wasn't sure why anyone would try to justify an alcoholic willingly drinking again. "What would Sp…" She trailed off as she caught herself about to say something she didn't want to verbalize.

"What would Spencer think?" Kyla finished for her as she met her sister's gaze. Ashley only looked down at her hands as Kyla continued, "Ashley, you're in a hard place right now. You've lost more than anyone should ever have to." She could feel the guilt mounting in her chest.

"I don't know what to do without her," Ashley admitted softly as tears flowed down. "I feel suffocated, but completely and utterly alone. I can't sleep; I can't eat… Sometimes I can't even breathe. It's like all I can do is just sit around in this place and think about her and Emy. I want them back… I miss them so much… I'm not me without them. I just…" Sobs wracked her body and cut her words off before they had a chance to form. "I would die for it."

Kyla smiled a faint smile before trying to lighten the mood, "Then how would you enjoy it?"

"It's not funny Kyla," Ashley deadpanned before sniffing back her tears, her shaky hand gripping a photograph and bringing it up to gaze longingly at its depiction. "She's so beautiful," she said softly as her finger traced the face of her blonde haired, blue-eyed love.

"You know," Kyla began as a hopeful distraction as she once again held her sister. "I was wondering how long you were going to keep up your tough, brave front before you finally allowed yourself to feel all of this."

"I miss them so much it physically hurts," she cried as her tears soaked Kyla's shirt further, dropping the picture and returning the embrace. "I don't know how to be fine anymore Ky."

"No one expects you to be fine, Ash," Kyla assured her as she took her sister's hand and led them to sit side by side on the bed. "You're only human."

"It's just…" She began but paused to search for words. "I'm so in-love with her… so completely in-love with her and that will never change. No matter how far away she is or how much time passes, I'm always going to be in-love with her. No matter how many people she marries or how many times she says she doesn't love me. I can't pretend I'm not and I don't know how I can move on from it."

"You don't have to pretend with me Ash," Kyla offered as her words hit home and her guilt peaked. She decided in that moment of seeing her sister at her lowest and hearing how utterly pained she was, that enough was enough. It was time to come clean. Ashley deserved the truth and she would get it. "In fact, I have something to confess to you as well…"

Ashley swallowed her sobs and forced back further tears as she pulled away and, wiping at her eyes, waited for her sister to continue. She could see the hesitancy in similar brown eyes as they tried desperately to meet her gaze once more.

"Spencer…"

Ashley raised her eyebrows in anticipation.

"She…"

They rose further as that anticipation increased.

"Well…"

"Oh, spit it out Kyla," Ashley barked as her patience ran thin. "What about Spencer?"

"She's still in-love with you!" Kyla finally found the courage to blurt out.

Ashley was almost certain that she felt her heart stop beating as her breath caught in her throat, causing her mouth to go dry as she forgot all of the words in the English language. What could she possibly say to something like that? She was aware that Spencer still loved her, but she had still been doubtful of the depth to which that love ran. However, it was different to actually hear this from someone else. Could she possibly still be in-love with her? And if so, why on Earth did she say she wasn't?

"Ash?" Kyla questioned after receiving no response from her seemingly catatonic sister. "Did you hear what I said?"

"No," Ashley said, firmly shaking her head, not in opposition to her sister's question, but to her confession.

"Yes," Kyla nodded as her voice softened, knowing just what Ashley was denying.

"Why would you say that, Kyla?" Ashley asked slowly, almost in a whisper.

"Because it's true and I can't stand by anymore and watch you believe that the love of your life is in-love with someone else." Ashley looked on in confusion as Kyla replied with determination, desperately hoping her sister would still love _her_after it was all out in the open. She wouldn't be able to stand it if Ashley couldn't forgive her. "She's not."

"What do you mean?" Ashley asked, almost angrily. Kyla winced slightly in fear of that anger growing. "They're getting married!"

"I…" She paused in an attempt to gather her courage and her words. "…have to tell you some things that will probably be hard for you to hear. I only hope that you can forgive me, because I only ever wanted you to be okay."

"What are you talking about?" Ashley perked up a bit as she waited for an answer, wishing Kyla would just cut to the chase already.

"Jessie and Spencer are not in-love with each other Ash," Kyla paused for a moment as she searched for the courage to continue. "They're only friends."

"Who are getting married in less than four weeks," Ashley added bitterly, not willing to believe a word of what her sister was saying, even though it was everything she had wanted to hear.

"A few months ago when you were having a hard time accepting the break-up, she told you that Jessie had asked her to marry her. " Ashley nodded in remembrance before Kyla continued. "Well she never did. Spencer only said that to get you to give up on her and let her go through with the divorce."

Ashley's expression hardened as she looked away from Kyla, her anger began to accumulate in her stomach as she bit her bottom lip and averted her gaze around the room, deeply in thought. "Are you telling me that she lied to me?"

"After you left that day for the studio, I went over to see you but you were gone. She was there and she was upset. Then she asked me to help her," Kyla paused as she grimaced at herself in disgust of her actions. She had never felt right about it and in that moment she regretted it more than anything else in her life. She swallowed in fear as she forced out her next batch of words. "She needed me to help her get Jessie to agree to marry her so that you would have a reason to let her go."

"What?" Ashley asked, completely flabbergasted. She stood to her feet and turned away from her sister as she allowed the words time to sink in. "You mean it's not real?"

"No, they're really getting married," she answered with a shake of her head. "But I have no idea why they're still going through with it. I figured that once you guys were divorced, she would call it off."

"How much did you help Kyla?" Ashley asked with pain and anger lacing every word. Her sister had betrayed her and she needed to know how deeply that betrayal ran.

"I only drove her over there because she was too upset to drive herself," she said honestly as she looked down at her hands. "On the way, she told me her plan to get you to let her go; and the only way she could see that you would, was to make you believe that there was someone else. I never went inside and heard their conversation, I swear. I waited in the car."

"But you knew about it all of this time," Ashley asked in disbelief as tears filled her eyes. "And you didn't tell me?"

"I know there is no good reason for me to have agreed to keep quiet," she said in the hopes of salvaging what she could of her relationship with her sister. "But Spencer was adamant that it was what was best for you. She said that she couldn't forgive you and that being with you was only hurting you both more and more each day.

"As opposed to this?" She gestured to her current state, voice rising in volume and frustration. "How badly do you think I'm hurting now, Kyla?" She advanced on her sister, backing Kyla up against a wall as cold brown eyes bore into pleading ones.

"I'm so sorry Ash," Kyla whispered as tears began to fall. "This is why I'm telling you…"

"I can't believe this," Ashley breathed out as she turned away and once again took a seat to ponder what all of this meant. Her hand came up to cover her mouth as her eyes shut tightly.

"It's true Ash," she said with tears now falling at seeing how hurt her sister was by all of this. "And I am so deeply sorry. It was so stupid of me."

"So," Ashley swallowed as she shook her head, tears gone and replaced with anger. "Let me get this straight… She left me because she couldn't stand to be with me… because she can't forgive me, even though she said she had. God… How many more lies are there?"

"She was afraid that if she stayed with you, you would see that she couldn't forgive you and she couldn't be happy with you and then start drinking again and hurt yourself even worse than before," Kyla admitted, even though it sounded absurd to her as well. She had never truly understood the reasoning behind their scheme; she just didn't want her sister to ever again be in the position she was before rehab. "She was scared and she only wanted to protect you."

"I don't even know where to put any of this," Ashley could only shake her head before covering her face with her hands.

"Ashley, you have to believe me when I say that I never wanted any of this for you," she pleaded as her sister refused to look in her direction. "I never thought that this was the best thing to do."

"Then why did you do it?" She asked as her jaw clenched tight in an attempt to maintain her resolve.

"I wish I had an answer to that," she whispered with tears falling from her eyes as her lip quivered. "I guess I was just afraid that the two of you would hurt each other more."

"How is this any better now?" She asked with her voice biting angrily at the situation. "Please enlighten me Kyla, because I don't get it."

"It's not, Ash," Kyla replied firmly as she shifted to look directly at her sister. "And I can see that now. The two of you belong together and I hate myself so much for the part I played in splitting you up."

As Ashley looked upon her sister, noticing the desperation in her voice and the sorrow filling her eyes, she decided that she was angry. Deeply angry and no amount of apologies and sincere words could change that. However, she had no one else in her corner to speak of; so by default, Kyla would be the one to help her.

"You know what you're going to do?" Ashley rhetorically asked through dark angered eyes as she advanced on her sister, scaring the smaller woman a bit in the process.

"I'll do anything Ashley," Kyla desperately confessed.

"I don't know that I'll ever forgive you," Ashley said as her eyes downcast. "But whether I like it or not, you're the only person I have right now… and I can't be alone."

"Of course Ash, you know I'm there for you…"

"Don't," Ashley interrupted as her hand rose and her eyes closed. "Save your breath."

Kyla felt her eyes sting with more tears as they streamed down her face. Ashley's voice had taken a cold turn and it was all she could do to not fall to her knees and beg for her sister's forgiveness. "What can I do Ash?"

"Just find out why… in the fucking hell my wife is marrying someone else!" Her voice rose in angered volume as her expression steeled. Kyla could only nod as she gulped, feeling goosebumps forming on her skin. "Once you do that, I'll know what I'm up against."

"And… what're you gonna do?" Kyla questioned softly, almost afraid to even speak at all.

Ashley met her steely gaze with the terrified eyes of her sister and thought of the two options she had. She could either maintain her anger and keep her sister in the dark about her plans, or she could tell her of her plans and worry about being angry later.

"I also need you to purchase three golden passes to Disneyland on my behalf," she ordered, noticing Kyla's confused nod. "I have a Christmas gathering to attend and I plan on finding out why Spencer is so afraid to be with me now."

Kyla's confusion increased as she scrunched her eyebrows and replied, "She was afraid you would relapse."

"No," Ashley disagreed with a shaking head. "I can tell it's more than that. She doesn't look at me the same. It's like she has her guard up, like she's afraid of… me."

Kyla nodded as she thought back on all of her conversations with the blonde, trying desperately to remember anything that might clue them in. It had been a while since she had sat down for a long chat with Spencer; they hadn't really talked much since that day she stupidly betrayed her own sister. She grimaced at herself in hatred, determined to do anything to redeem herself and help Ashley find the happiness she deserved.

"I'll call my mom and cancel my trip to Baltimore," she said while retrieving her phone from her pocket.

"No," Ashley halted her sister's actions. "It's best if you go because I honestly don't want to be in the same region as you right now."

"Ash…" Kyla whispered as more tears formed. For a moment she had thought that maybe Ashley could forgive her, but now it seemed that wouldn't happen for a while.

"We'll talk when you get back," Ashley said before turning and walking away. "Now get out of my house."

Kyla felt hot tears burn their way down her cheeks as she swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded sullenly. Turning on her heels, she exited the dark bedroom and was walking down the hallway as she heard a crash of glass. She flinched slightly at the noise and knew without a doubt that Ashley had thrown something angrily. She momentarily thought of checking to make sure she hadn't hurt herself, but thought better of it. Ashley had made it very clear that she wanted nothing to do with her right then. Who could blame her? She needed to respect her sister's wish for time and space, it was the least she could do.

Reaching the front door, Kyla suddenly felt an idea form as she turned the knob and exited the apartment. Once the door had closed behind her, clicking into place, she retrieved her cell phone from her purse and searched her contacts for a familiar number, pressing call once she had found it.

It only took two rings before she heard the woman's voice warmly greet her, making her plan all the more feasible.

"Hey, Spencer," Kyla said, forcing a smile and her cheerful voice through tears.

"Yeah, it's Kyla… I'm okay." She answered with a sad smile, thinking of her current state with her sister.

"Yeah she's doing alright," She lied as more tears formed. She could hear from the tone in Spencer's questions that no one would ever mean more to her than Ashley.

"Actually, I was calling to see if you wanted to go for coffee or something before I left for Baltimore. I haven't talked to you in a while and I wanted to see how things were going… Sure that would be great. I'll see you then. Bye."

As she hung up the phone, she pressed the down button on the elevator pad and waited. She could only smile softly as she was pleased that her plans were successfully set in motion. Now was the time to find out the truth and help her sister get her life back.


	16. Confessions Like Daybreak

**Chapter Sixteen**

She made her way out into the living room as the door closed quietly behind her Judas of a sister. Sighing, Ashley's expression steeled to one of utter rage as she breathed deeply, calmly forcing her eyes closed to allow herself the rare opportunity to count to ten before she completely flew off the handle. It was a technique that she didn't quite have faith in, one she had learned during her long, anger-filled days at the rehab clinic. However, as she remembered her mistakes of late, she reckoned that she owed it to herself to at least try to prevent any further ones that may arise should she allow this rage to manifest itself outwardly.

Breathing deeply through her nose, eyelids clenched tightly shut…

_One…_

Spencer lied.

_Two…_

Kyla lied.

_Three…_

Her own sister had helped to break her marriage up.

_Four…_

Spencer was marrying someone she didn't love.

_Five…_

And she had no idea why.

_Six…_

_Fuck this._

Her eyes popped open and the rage seeped from them, spilling all over her apartment and desperately searching for the nearest object to destroy in its path. Stomping over to the couch, she caught the faint image of a bottle out of the corner of her eyes, knowing without a doubt what it was and why it was there. She had been so stupid, allowing herself to fall at the hands of a bad decision with a woman she didn't love and barely even liked… if that's even the right word for it.

Wasting no time, she charged the bottle, her heels kicking up invisible dust as her feet angrily padded toward to object of interest. She would destroy it. She would destroy everything that represented that part of her, the awful part that was buried deep inside that she had stupidly allowed to surface. She would destroy all of it because she had something to gain, something to reclaim.

Her anger fueled her as her hand grasped the bottle tightly, so tight that her veins were protruding from her wrist as she squeezed the bottle as if her life depended on it, as if choking the foul scent from the object. Bringing it up and standing again upright, she flared her nostrils as she released a deep breath, clenching her teeth together as her jaw muscles tightened. Every muscle inside of her stilled as she took a moment's pause to allow the rage to flow freely through every ounce of her body.

Then in one fluid motion, she spun on her heels and thrust the bottle with all of her might, a toss worthy of any pitcher as glass shattered, connecting violently with the stainless steel refrigerator less than twelve yards away. Small shards of glass slid down the shiny surface as what was left of the liquid accompanied it, marring the front of the once pristine appliance.

Ashley sighed as she allowed the rage to dissipate and her eyes to close softly in relief. Though she was anything but, she was thankful that her insides no longer churned with anger that was just lying dormant beneath the surface, waiting anxiously to bubble up. She had released it, effectively bringing her heart rate back to a more normal speed, allowing for her to see more colors than red. She hated being angry and feeling the rage that was so often a mainstay of her youth. It only served to remind her of the type of person she had been before Spencer, the type of person she never wanted to be again.

Sighing, she was much calmer now as she moved around the side of the couch, breathing slowly as she kept her eyes closed. Once she had come to stand in front of the plush couch, she moved to a lying position, face down as she allowed her body to completely succumb to the need for relaxation. It had been a series of emotionally taxing days, one right after the other, beginning with the night of her show and culminating with the admission of betrayal from the only blood relative she claimed. Did it never stop? For once, she yearned for the world to just cease and let her be, let her feel some sense of serenity. But alas, she guessed that with all she had done in her life, all of the mistakes she had made and pain she had caused, that this was Karma finally catching up to her. Finally, it had reared its ugly head and found her wading in the shallows, no amount of defense in sight. But did she really deserve this much of it?

As she stretched her body on the couch, she adjusted her arms to a tucked position underneath her torso, releasing another deep breath as she allowed her muscles to completely relax against the cushions. She needed this desperately, this moment to catch her breath before the following days brought with them a storm of unforeseeable consequence. Now knowing what she needed to do and what was possible, she allowed herself this chance to relax, as she quietly contemplated her next move.

Spencer was getting married, yes; but she was neither in-love with Jessie nor out-of-love with her. Spencer was still within reach and she had to carefully plot her next move so as to not completely put the ball in Spencer's court. She needed to act in a way that would ensure they both received what they wanted out of all of this. According to her own personal Judas, Spencer wanted for her to be well and happy, and in her opinion, that could only happen if the two of them were no longer married. There was something that Spencer was internally fighting with and that struggle had brought about this ingenious plan to separate them. She knew that she had done enough to deeply hurt Spencer for years and years to come, and yes she was paying for it all now. But what she didn't understand was why Spencer couldn't talk to her about, why she didn't trust her enough to work through it all. Granted, their problems were a bit more extreme than most married couples, but in Ashley's opinion, so was their love.

She swallowed back her emotions as tears threatened to form. Crying wouldn't do her any good right now as she desperately needed to keep a clear head in order to work out what she was going to do about her torn relationship. Spencer still loved her, so they still had a chance to fix it all. She just needed to figure out what broken pieces to focus on assembling first. Furrowing her brow as her eyes remained closed, she began a mental list of all of the things that led them here, all of the mistakes she had made that had pushed Spencer away and broken her trust. With her eyes opening, she focused on nothing in particular as she ran over them all in her head, searching for the one that could be the 'it' factor in their marital demise.

Mistake number one had seen Ashley allowing Spencer to believe that she had been unfaithful, breaking her heart and their promise. Such a stupid mistake that set into motion all of the subsequent mistakes. Her mind had replayed the fateful night on loop thousands of times since its occurrence, going over every word and every action, wishing for the power to alter even the slightest most insignificant one. At the time, she hadn't understood how heartbroken Spencer had been during the party and afterwards, seeing the way she had been acting with her producer and the things she had said. It had all seemed like some weird joke played on Ashley by the hands of fate. It was such a foreign idea that Spencer would ever feel like Ashley had cheated on her or had wanted to, not only because was she way off base about it, but because Ashley knew she would never do such a thing willingly. And thinking back on that night, Ashley could only scoff at her own actions, because though she was flabbergasted that Spencer was hurt, she didn't do anything to make her wife feel better. She had only laughed it off and hurt her more.

Mistake number two came in the form of a photo making its way through the wire and to her cell phone, a photo of which she had no recollection, one of which she knew she would never have been a willing participant. However, she _was_in it and no amount of words could erase that for Spencer. Ashley could only imagine the kind of pain that photo had inflicted upon her wife; and as she thought back on how seeing Jessie and Spencer only kissing had affected her emotionally, enraging her, she decided that she could never fully understand the magnitude of torture it had been for Spencer to see her naked with another woman… especially after the night they'd had.

Mistake number two had effectively set into motion mistake number three, one of which there was no level of magnitude to classify such a horrendous event. An event which robbed two loving mothers of their only child, such a beautiful little girl. Though it had been ruled the truck driver's fault, Ashley had no doubt in her mind that she could have prevented it. That night could have ended so very differently if only they hadn't been fighting, if only she hadn't given them a reason to fight. It could have all been prevented. They would have stayed a bit longer at the party and arrived a bit later to the Carlin's, picking up their daughter later, and leaving later. Thereby, allowing the truck to cross the intersection well before they were even in the same city block. It could've so differently played itself out had she not been so stupid.

Mistake number four had been a hard fought decision; one she had ran over and over in her mind, one she was sure Spencer had been okay with. Oh, how wrong she had been. Though they had discussed it previously in bed one night with both of them reluctantly agreeing that they needed to let her go, they hadn't come to the decision of when, and Ashley still felt like she had given up too soon. Spencer was right in that aspect, and even though the doctors had given her slim chances of recovery, they still could have given it more time. Instead, however, Ashley had made the huge decision on an emotionally charged whim while seeing how distraught her wife had been and how lifeless her child had looked, vouching for them both and believing that Spencer was in agreement. That had been a complete misjudgment on her part, one that resulted in the monumental canyon that now lay between them, a canyon that continuously filled with mistakes five through…

Well, she was still making them.

As she thought back on them once more, it just didn't add up. She knew that Spencer had forgiven her for the "cheating". That had been evident in the months leading up to mistake four. And it just couldn't be mistake four, because they had talked about it more recently and Spencer openly admitted that it had been the right thing to do, though she had been deeply hurt that Ashley had done so without her knowledge. So if not those mistakes, then what? What was preventing Spencer from letting go of the past and patching things up between them? What had her so reluctant to be with her again?

As the questions swirled around in her mind, each one more daunting than the next, she allowed her eyes to drift shut as her breathing evened out and all thoughts began to fade away. Maybe when she woke up her nightmare would be over and she would be greeted with a small fingertip to her nose just like many times before from a life long ago.

* * *

><p><em>A light brush of a tiny fingertip to her nose pulled her from her slumber, followed by a soft giggle and an excited proclamation of the object of amusement.<em>

_"Nose!"_

_Wanting to fool her daughter for a moment, she maintained the appearance of sleeping as tiny fingers traced over her features, each one more curious than the next. A tiny thumb pressed so gently on her eyelid as it forced the lid upward, revealing the white of her eyeball. A small shriek ensued as laughter bellowed from tiny lungs._

_Keeping one eye shut and with a small smile of amusement, Ashley opened her eye that wasn't buried in the couch cushion to get a sideways view of her daughter standing in front of her, unruly blonde hair flowing down around tiny shoulders. It was as though a small Spencer was standing before her, carefully studying her face as tiny fingers lightly flitted across her features._

_Emery giggled with all of her childlike enthusiasm as her mother's eye suddenly blinked opened and stared at her through curly brown hair. Though she could only see half of her mother's face, she knew that it was smiling at her. And she loved that smile._

_"Nose," she repeated as her finger once again pressed Ashley's nose._

_"Yes," Ashley said in an excited voice through her continued smile as she turned her head further to get a better view, lying on her stomach on their big soft ugly couch. "It's my nose. Now where's Emy's nose?"_

_"Emy no have a nose," she giggled with bright blue eyes that looked straight into brown ones, teasing her silly mama. Her small finger found its way up to trace over a smooth eyebrow, watching curiously as it wiggled around beneath._

_"Oh really," Ashley's eyebrows shot up expressively in faux shock as her eyes widened. "Then what is this?" Her finger mirrored her daughter's light touch to a small button nose situated in the midst of a sea of freckles._

_"I don Know," Emery shrugged animatedly with her arms rising, palms up._

_"You don't know?" She asked with surprise, serious worry plastered across her face._

_Emery only shook her head, forcing back her smile to keep up her trick._

_"Well if it's not a nose then what is it?"_

_"Umm…" She searched her mind for anything she could make her nose be._

_Ashley watched as her eyes looked from side to side, much in the same way Spencer's did when she was in deep thought. She waited with amusement for the tiny tongue to make its way through small lips, another thing they both did that signaled the wheels spinning in their heads. A smile made its way to her face as the tongue made itself known, jutting out to touch her top lip. It was their thinking expression and Ashley loved every bit of it._

_"A button," Emery finally answered with pride glowing through her smile, proud of herself for thinking of the answer._

_"A button?" Ashley asked with curiosity, still in her spot on the couch with her head turned sideways. "Are you sure?" Her brows furrowed in inquisition as she reached her hand up to push the 'button'. "It doesn't do much…"_

_"Umm…" Thinking cap back on now. "A lady bug."_

_"Ewww…" she teased with a scrunched up nose, making her expression purposefully exaggerated. "You have a bug on your face?"_

_"Nooo!" She giggled at her mama's expression, her fingertips reaching up to trace the crinkles in her nose. "A strawberry."_

_Ashley smiled in the way she had said her r's with practiced ease. It had taken them a while to get to that point, but after two years of talking she'd finally got it down. Smiling with interest, she leaned over the couch, bringing their faces close._

_"Well if it's a strawberry, can I eat it?" She then leaned forward and took the tiny 'strawberry' in her mouth, her hand coming around a tiny waist, pulling her little girl closer as she pretended to devour the small nub._

_Emery squealed at her mama's noisy attempt at eating her nose before putting her hands on her forehead and pushing her away, a fit of giggles leaving her lips as she fought to free herself._

_"No Mama…" she shrieked as her mother's hands began a tickling assault on her tummy. "No eat Emy's nose."_

_"Oh…" Ashley said with shock. "I thought Emy didn't have a nose."_

_"Fake nose," she corrected herself as Ashley rolled over onto her back, pulling her daughter onto her stomach._

_"A fake nose?"_

_"Mmhmm…"_

_"Well who put it there?" She asked with expressive interest displayed on her face, eyes squinting as she inspected the fake nose before her, carefully turning the small face from side to side._

_"Martians," she replied without really knowing what that word meant. She'd only heard it in a cartoon once._

_"No way!" Ashley exclaimed as she sat up excitedly, pulling Emery's face closer to her. "Can I have it?"_

_"No Mama," she shrieked with laughter as her hands lovingly clutched onto brown locks. It was always so much fun teasing her mama. "It Emy's nose."_

_"But, I want it!" Ashley said with childlike enthusiasm as she lunged forward, causing Emery to squeal and abandon ship, scurrying to the floor and running quickly through the house._

_Giving her a moment to get a good head start, Ashley watched in sheer pride as her daughter's cute little monkey feet padded their way across the hardwood floors of their newly purchased beach home. She had surprised her wife at work one day with a key to the four and a half million dollar Malibu beach front property; and only upon driving her to the beautiful place had Spencer believed it. It wasn't that they weren't happy in their downtown loft. It had been the perfect starter home for them and they had spent seven wonderful love-filled years there; but with the arrival of a certain little bundle of joy, Ashley felt that it had been time to search for that perfect place to spend the rest of their lives building a family._

_Counting to ten, Ashley sprang to her feet and, hunching down, began searching frantically for her little Martian-nosed comedian._

_"Where oh where could Emy be?" Ashley asked as she followed the sounds of pitter-patter towards the kitchen. That figures. Her little girl would go running in the direction of the only person with the power to save her fake nose. A small giggle echoed its way through the downstairs as she rounded the corner, following the excited sound._

_As she came to the kitchen entryway, she slowed her pace and altered her plan of attack, deciding a sneak attach would be more enjoyable. Quietly, she moved to a crouching position on the ceramic tiled floor of the kitchen, bear crawling her way across and towards the island of which her target was hiding on the other side._

_Glancing up, Spencer's eyes caught Ashley's over the island as the blue orbs averted themselves from their task of preparing a meal and subtly watched with love and amusement as her goofy wife entered the kitchen on all fours._

_Ashley wasted no time in signaling to Spencer to remain quiet and pretend she saw nothing of the sort, before continuing her journey towards the side of the island, preparing to sneak around it and pounce on the unsuspecting victim._

_Before she made herself known however, Ashley decided that her best course of action would be to throw her daughter off a bit, aiming her voice towards the kitchen doorway and shouting, "Well it looks like Emy's not in the kitchen."_

_A small sly giggle ensued and both mothers' faces snickered in amusement._

_"I better go check the laundry room…" and with that Ashley made footstep noises and seemingly left the kitchen._

_"Mama won't find me now…" Emery chuckled as she believed wholeheartedly that she had tricked her silly mama._

_"She won't huh?" Spencer replied with enthusiasm as she watched her big overgrown child crawl towards the island, inch by quiet inch. "And why exactly are you hiding from her?"_

_"She wants my nose Mommy!"_

_"Your nose?" Spencer asked with confused amusement._

_On any given day, it was no telling what kind of game these two goofballs were playing with their wild imaginations running rampant. She only felt immensely blessed that she had been given the opportunity to live and experience their unique bond grow stronger and stronger. It was something she had spent so much time hoping for throughout her pregnancy, needing to be sure that Ashley wouldn't feel less like a mother simply because of the fact that she shared no biological ties. But though it remained a fact, you could never tell it._

_"Yes Mommy…" Emery exclaimed in seriousness. "Mama wants my nose because I told her Martians gave it to me."_

_Spencer scrunched her face in amusement at the absurd reply, smiling crookedly at Ashley as she continued her slow approach around the side and towards them._

_"Well, you better stay hiding right there then huh? Who knows what will happen if she comes back in here?" Spencer replied with serious tones as she felt tiny hands grip her pant legs and pull a tiny body further between her knees, all the while maintaining her practiced culinary skills with ease and preparing their meal for the evening._

_Back on the floor, Ashley had finally come to the point in which she planned to pounce, and judging from the spot where Spencer was standing, she knew she wouldn't have to pounce far. Mentally, she counted down from three as she sprang forward and flung her arms out, expecting to tackle her daughter lovingly with gentle hands._

_Instead however, she was met with a smelly white plastic bag as all sorts of vegetable peels and produce wrappings filled with bits of juices and scraps went flying everywhere, the bag of trash from Spencer's preparation connecting with her face and unloading all of its contents in the air unpleasantly to rain down upon her._

_Spencer smiled as she internally applauded herself for her quick thinking to save her baby's Martian nose from the big bad wolf. It had been all she could think of in that split second to grab the trash bag and thrust it in front of Ashley as she flung herself towards them, causing a bit of a mess… but the look on Ashley's face had been well worth it. Priceless! She was completely dumbfounded!_

_"Oh my gosh!" Ashley exclaimed in horror, grimacing as she wiped sticky carrot bits from her face, pulled an old banana peel from on top of her head, raised her other hand in disgust as tomato guts covered it, and glared up unamusedly at her smirking wife from her seated position on the now littered kitchen floor. "What are you making! Did you rein terror on the VeggieTales!" Her fingertips wiped the sticky film from who-knows-what out of her eyes as her hair matted to her forehead._

_"Hahaha…" Emery giggled the sweet tune of triumph as she watched her mama finish shaking off the icky stuff that was all over her; all of the yucky things they forced her to eat from time to time. In her childlike innocence and naivety, she was completely missing the fact that since their scraps were now discarded and all over her mama, then she must be eating whatever was made from them that night for dinner._

_"What on Earth Spencer?" Ashley grimaced deeper as she saw that her jeans and tank were now covered in what could only be described as pig muck… you know that crap pigs eat, a little bit of everything. "And you!" she pointed her firm finger at Emery, though she wasn't made at the little girl at all. "What is so funny?"_

_"You gots vebables all on you Mama," Emery exclaimed as though it was the funniest thing in the world._

_"I'm quite aware. Thank you," Ashley replied with a stoic expression as yolk dripped down her brow from the eggshell lodged in her hair. Her hand wasted no time in wiping the sticky substance from her forehead, less than pleased._

_"I see you did what I asked Emy and you woke up Mama for dinner," Spencer said as she remained focused and containing her laughter as she not once deviated from the task at hand throughout the entire exchange._

_"Yeah thanks!" Ashley replied as she stood up finally, bits of crap falling around her ankles. The gross outer bit of a head of lettuce, skins from several potatoes, the remnants of shucking corn, and bits of fat stripped from breasts of chicken. All of it sliding down her and coating her in the nastiest smell known to man._

_"Honey, I wanted to ask if you would take the garbage out before dinner," Spencer said with a smirk as she maintained eye contact with her hands, carefully trying to keep her composure as she heard Ashley flinging bits of food off her clothes. She clenched her jaw shut and fought everything inside of her to keep from laughing uncontrollably._

_She could only imagine what Ashley must look like, how mad she would be. But oh, was it fun to get her back for the pool incident with her parents. You see, Ashley had decided it would be wise to seduce her in the pool without telling her that she had invited Paula and Arthur over. And knowing her parents, they waltzed on in the house and through the back door to the pool, catching her with her top off and Ashley's head between her legs. Not how she would have ever liked to be caught. Luckily for them all, Emery was sleeping soundly on the couch in the game room._

_"I'm sure you did," Ashley stated firmly as she took in her smelly and covered appearance. "Should I just hop in the bin along with it?"_

_Spencer snickered as she almost lost herself to that comment._

_"Mama, Ewwww…" Emery muttered as she watched it all pool on the floor in front of her._

_"Yeah ewww! And you know what I think?" Ashley asked with a hint of mischief as she glanced upon her wife who was adamantly trying to remain stoic and ignore the incessant need to laugh her ass off._

_"No," Emery gullibly replied instead of picking up on her mama's shift in expression and fleeing for her life. "What you think Mama?"_

_"I think Mommy here needs a big… gigantic…" Spencer's heart began wildly pounding as she considered her insane decision to remain in her spot, cutting vegetables. She knew her wife and surely Ashley wouldn't just leave it at that and not retaliate. What the hell was she thinking?_

_"HUG!"_

_And as Ashley screamed out the last word and jumped towards her suspecting wife with full intent to share the icky dressing of juices and scraps, Spencer hauled Emery up into her arms and sprinted out the door of the kitchen, the two of them squealing the whole way through the house and abandoning her dinner concoction for later._

_"I'LL GET YOU BOTH NOW!" Ashley yelled as she followed suit and chased them up the stairs, following the beautiful sound of giggles. The very sound she would sell her very soul to hear day in and day out._

* * *

><p>Kyla sipped her coffee as she waited patiently for Spencer to arrive. They had agreed to meet at a small café not too far from the Carlin's, so that Spencer wouldn't be late for her shopping trip with her mother. She was quite surprised that Spencer had agreed to it, since she had called a bit last minute. Nevertheless, she was still anxious to see her friend after so long.<p>

"Hey," Spencer greeted with a genuine smile. It had been a long while since the two of them had gone out for coffee or even talked, and it had been hard because she had always considered Kyla to be one of her closest friends. However, she completely understood their distance now as it was rightfully justified.

"Hey Spence," Kyla's smile widened as she replaced her cup on the table and observed the woman who would always be her sister-in-law take as seat across from her.

"I'm sorry I'm late," Spencer breathily replied as she looked up from her purse and matched Kyla's smile. "I had an appointment at eleven and it ran much longer than I anticipated."

"Hey," Kyla reassured her with a friendly pat on her arm. "No worries. I've not been here long."

Spencer's lips turned up into a small smile as she took a moment to be grateful for this chance to reconnect with a friend, one whom she thought was lost to her. "Thank you for calling Kyla. It's so good to see you."

"I know! It's been way too long," Kyla replied with equally matched sincerity. "We shouldn't let anything get in the way of our friendship." Though she smiled through it, she frowned on the inside as she thought of the real reason she had called and the state in which she had found her sister that morning.

"It's good to hear you say that," Spencer said as the waiter approached them to get her order and Kyla's refill. "Um… I'll have a triple espresso with extra foam."

"Wow Spence! You planning an all-nighter?" Kyla joked but really wanted to know the current condition of her friend.

"Actually I have a lot going on with…" She began without thinking and stopped herself once she realized she was about to reveal her wedding planning to Ashley's sister.

"It's okay Spence," Kyla said when she noticed the uneasy expression befall her friend. "You can tell me if you're planning your wedding. You are getting married in less than a month. It's not unexpected."

"I know," she replied as she looked down sadly. "It's just that I don't want you to feel uncomfortable and Ashley is…"

"Ashley is my sister, yes. But you're my friend and you can still talk to me about anything and everything," she said with a smile as she hoped this would coax Spencer along into revealing more to her.

"Thank you," Spencer said as she squeezed Kyla's hand in gratitude. "You're a good friend."

"You better believe it," Kyla joked and they both laughed. "So… wedding plans huh?"

"Yeah… umm…" She awkwardly took a sip after the waiter had set her cup in front of her. "We're kind of having a bigger wedding than we initially planned. You know with all of the bells and whistles."

"Ahh… Doing it right the second time around huh?" She grimaced to herself as she heard her own thought out loud. _Who says that in this situation?_

"Well… I wouldn't say I did it _wrong _the first time," Spencer confusedly argued with a furrowed brow, almost defensive of her wedding to Ashley. It had been everything she could have wanted.

"You're right… I just meant more… traditional," Kyla stuttered as she retracted her previous statement. Thank God Spencer smiled, however small it was. "You know… one without the eloping."

"Yeah…"

"So, have you picked a place yet?"

"No… uhh… well… We were thinking of using my parents' country club but it might be all booked up."

"Would you like me to make a few calls and see what I can do?" Kyla offered as she thought of 'keep your friend's close and your enemies closer.' Not that Spencer was in any way shape or form an enemy, but the generosity might make Spencer feel more comfortable with opening up and revealing vital information.

"Why would you do that?" Spencer had to admit that Kyla seemed quite sincere in her offer but it was still perturbing nonetheless.

"Well you're one of my dear friends…" _Why would I do that again? _Kyla frantically searched her brain for a believable explanation. "And… though you and my sister didn't work out, all I want is to see you both happy. You know, especially after all of the pain you've been through. Besides as long as you love Jessie… and no one else… completely… for the rest of your life… with all of your heart …" She paused as she noticed Spencer's blank, awaiting look. "You do love her right?"

"What? Yes, of course," Spencer replied with a nod, making Kyla squint her eyes in disbelief.

"Well then, why shouldn't you get married?"

"Um…"

"Besides, Ashley only wants for you to be happy," Kyla said as she pulled out the big guns; and judging by the look on Spencer's face, it just might have the desired effects. "So why shouldn't I help?"

"Um…"

"You know, Ashley said the funniest thing to me earlier…" Kyla looked up as if in remembrance of a moment that she was going to pull completely out of thin air. "She said to me, 'Kyla… if Spencer's happy, then that's enough for me.' Who would've thought right? You know how competitive Ash can be."

"She said that?" Spencer asked in disbelief. _Could she really be happy for me?_

"Oh yeah. Right before her date with Sandra…" Kyla inwardly cringed as she had no intentions of going that far. In fact, lying had been the furthest from her mind. The very thing that had started all of this and the thing she wanted to avoid more of. However, once she was on a roll in a nerve-racking situation her mouth tended to fly off the handle.

"Her date?" Spencer maintained her curious expression, but inwardly she could feel her heart sink at the information. _Ashley was dating someone?_

"Well…" Kyla backtracked. "It was more like a friendly cup of coffee… you know, much like this one." With that she held up her cup in emphasis as she took a big gulp to halt any further word vomit.

"Oh…"

"By the way? How is Jessie? You know I didn't even think you guys would still go through with it after the divorce and all. I thought it was only to get Ashley to give up on you. What made you change your mind?" She asked as the words came and went quicker than she could process. To say she was becoming nervous would be an understatement. It was one of those important, life-altering moments; and how she handled it could have lasting repercussions for her sister and her future.

"She's okay… I mean…" This had caught Spencer completely off guard. Never once did this topic of conversation land on her possibilities list for this little get together. She thought they'd shoot the breeze about work and the weather, but certainly not this. "Well, we decided that…"

"Come on Spencer," Kyla interjected, deciding to cut the bullshit and get to the heart of the matter. "We both know you're still in-love with Ash so what gives? Why marry someone else?"

"Kyla…" Spencer shook her head in reluctance.

"Look, I'm not trying to persuade you or anything," Kyla said with sincerity in her eyes as they held each other's gaze. "You marry who you want. I'm just trying to understand, because when you asked me to drive you that day, I was under the impression that this was only to get Ashley to let you go. And she did… so why go through with it?"

"It's complicated."

"I can see that," Kyla replied as she noticed Spencer seemingly pulling away once more. "Look," she put her hand reassuringly on her friend's hand as she continued. "You can tell me, as a friend, and I won't say anything to Ash. I swear it."

Spencer stared straight ahead contemplating her next move. Could she really trust that? For all she knew Kyla could be angry with her for what she had done, but it didn't seem likely. She seemed to genuinely care and Spencer wanted to talk about it to her. It was as though the more she talked about it, the more she came to terms with it and just maybe... Maybe one day she would have talked about it enough to put it behind her and move on.

"It's just that… so much happened with me and Ash. I mean we grew apart after Emery… and it just hurt so much to feel that every day, to know you were only causing each other pain."

"I get that Spence," Kyla said empathetically. "But why not try to fix it instead of cutting it off completely?"

"I don't think it can be fixed. I tried so hard to get over everything that had happened. The accident… The photo… everything. But no matter how hard I tried to forgive her I still felt like she had just stabbed me in the heart and the pain just wouldn't go away. My pain was so evident that it was eating her up. I could tell. She didn't look at me the same and we were just so distant. It was killing us both," Spencer paused to wipe tears that had begun to slide down her cheeks. "But the truth is… I just missed her, you know? I missed who she used to be before it all… who she used to be to me. Someone who could never do that to me. Someone who would never just up and leave me like that… But she did and I felt differently about her afterwards."

"The tour…" Kyla said as everything suddenly made sense to her. All of the pieces had suddenly fallen into place and she now fully understood what they were collectively trying to make. Spencer had trust issues now and with someone who she never expected, someone who she had given her heart and soul to. That would throw anyone off balance.

"Yeah…" Spencer replied through tears as she admitted to her sister-in-law the real reason they were no longer together. "I guess you can say that my faith and my trust in her left and went to Europe too. But it didn't come back with her. You have no idea the amount of pain that she put me through when she just left me after Emy died. I felt completely disregarded and abandoned. No one should ever be forced to go through that alone and I never thought she would make me."

It all made sense to her now. To Spencer, Ashley was now a different person, someone who could and did leave her. And as she thought about it more and more, she wanted to kick her sister's ass for it. Ashley had never once let on that Spencer was upset about the tour and she had made it seem like her wife had been on board. How guilty she had felt about it all now… she could've been Ashley's voice of reason and directed her back home to her grieving wife. She mentally kicked herself for not realizing what was going on at the time, how Ashley had closed herself off, much in the way she had done when their father had left. She should've seen the tell-tale signs and saved them.

Well, she would be doing all she could now. She would be giving her dear sister a swift kick in the rear and hopefully in the right direction.

"Have you told Ashley any of this?" She asked as Spencer only answered with a head shake. "Well you should! Especially if you plan to marry someone else. You need to let the past go and wipe the slate clean. It wouldn't be fair to Jessie."

"I can't talk to her about it… and please don't either!" She begged as she hoped with everything that Kyla would keep it between them. "I couldn't stand it if she knew and yet still felt like she did the right thing. That leaving me like that isn't a regret she has."

"Spence, we both know that Ashley regrets it," Kyla said softly as she stared into sad eyes. "You know that she loves you with all her heart and hurting you was never her intentions. She was just so lost, I think"

"It doesn't change the fact that she acted like it didn't matter that she broke my heart." Spencer cried out quietly. "She came back and it was like nothing. She looked at me with blank brown eyes and then just went about her business… like it didn't happen, like I didn't feel anything."

"I am so sorry she did that to you Spencer," Kyla sympathized as she reached out and held onto two trembling hands. It was clear to her that this cut was a deep one and Ashley would need a miracle's help to mend it.

"Thanks Kyla," Spencer replied as her hand broke free of the hold to wipe her eyes. She hadn't intended on crying today, but fate had other plans she guessed. "But you're not the one who I need to hear that from."

"Well, how is she supposed to apologize if you don't tell her how you feel?"

"That's the whole point! She should've known that it hurt me deeply when she left. I told her how I felt when I called her the hundred or so times that she was away, the times she refused to talk about anything. I swear she only answered out of obligation…" She trailed off as she closed her eyes to keep the forming tears at bay.

"So what then? You're just going to marry someone and hope that the memory of it all just fades from your subconscious?" Kyla asked with curiosity. It was a truly interesting brand of logic that Spencer had adapted and she was waiting to hear her side of it. "Life doesn't work that way Spence. I mean if you had another daughter, would you get over Emy?"

"No, of course not," Spencer stated without hesitation.

"Then what makes you think that this will be any different?"

Though Kyla was right and Spencer whole-heartedly agreed, she couldn't just come out with the truth. That marrying Jessie was solely for insurance purposes and she fully intended on being in-love with Ashley until kingdom come. She couldn't let on that the ensuing marriage would only be out of friendship, not love. She couldn't risk it; Jessie's life depended on it and she would be damned if another person she cared for died.

"Honestly Kyla," she said as she found herself at a loss, not wanting to spout anymore lies. "I don't know what to say or do anymore. My whole future is anyone's guess… I thought I knew what my life would be like once I married her, but she proved to me just how wrong I was. I only know that I can't be with Ashley now and feel like I could get tossed aside during any given moment. It hurts too much and in turn, it hurts her when she notices."

* * *

><p>"Ashley…" Kyla said as she entered Ashley's loft, noticing her sister's absence and taking note of how clean and tidy it had become in the last couple of hours. Ashley must've gone on a cleaning spree to rid herself of her anger. Luckily for Kyla, that could work in her favor. Maybe Ashley would allow her to come within twenty yards now.<p>

After her talk with Spencer, she had decided to stop off and visit her niece's grave, feeling as though it was an appropriate place to seek advice on how to reconcile the two distant parents. Spending more than an hour there going through everything in her mind, she had decided to just let Ashley figure it out herself. It would mean more that way in the long run then if she was just told what to be sorry for. That was a bit shallow in her opinion, especially given the circumstances. But that in no way meant she wouldn't help clue her in and move her in the right direction.

As she moved her way in the direction of the master suite, she could faintly hear the strummings of a guitar as her sister's beautifully husky voice filtered through the screen door of the patio. She took a moment's pause to stand in the door frame, silently watching as Ashley played the chords to a song she'd yet to hear.

_Let's be strangers tonight,_  
><em> Let's talk in whispers and in sighs,<em>  
><em> We are calmly growing cold and tired,<em>  
><em> Of all the promises and lies.<em>

_ With every game we play,_  
><em> With every choice we make,<em>  
><em> I'll be holding my breath that you would stay.<em>

_ If I could find out where to start,_  
><em> I'd Find a way into your heart,<em>  
><em> Could I force you to believe in me?<em>  
><em> Growing quietly apart.<em>

_ With every game we play,_  
><em> With every choice we make,<em>  
><em> I'll be holding my breath that you would stay.<em>  
><em> Cause I'm finding it hard these days,<em>  
><em> To get out of the bed we've made,<em>  
><em> And we can't afford to stay the same.<em>

_This time we're gonna move slowly,_  
><em> Cause this love is taking its toll on us,<em>  
><em> This time I'm gonna move slowly,<em>  
><em> Gonna move slowly<em>

She listened with rapt attention, closely focusing on the words her sister had written; the beautifully haunting words told the story of a love so strong that no matter what, its captors would always need it... no matter how much pain they'd inflicted on each other. Ashley's voice cracked as she sang the last line, and Kyla knew full well how much it had taken for her to compose such a heartbreaking and personal song, how much it always took. Her sister was an open book and daily, her scars were laid bare for all of the world to see if they chose to do so. She thought back on all of the events that had led them here, her involvement in their separation and subsequent divorce, and she wondered just how differently it could have all been. All of the "what ifs" and "maybes"... life could've given them blessings instead of let downs.

Slowly, she made her way through the bedroom and paused as she stood in front of the screen door, looking down upon her sullen sister clutching her guitar as if it were the last thing she had that meant anything at all to her... and maybe it was. She noticed just how tired and worn Ashley was, tears falling from her eyes as she sat motionless with her guitar slung across her lap. If there were any words to console her and take her pain away, Kyla would've gladly done anything possible to help; but alas, there was only one thing she could do, one thing they could discuss to move them in the right direction.

"Oh dear sister… you have dug yourself a deep one," she voiced softly to bring Ashley from her tear soaked daze.

"What?" Ashley asked with curiosity as she leaned her guitar upright against the railing and sat to attention in her seat, wiping her face and anxious to hear about Kyla's visit with Spencer. "What did she say?"

"Well I promised her that I wouldn't tell you…" Kyla said as she took the seat opposite her sister.

"What do you mean?" Ashley asked angrily. "Kyla you owe me…"

"I know that I do," Kyla interrupted, not waiting for her sister to get to the part where she would blame her for their divorce. It certainly wasn't her fault. "And I'm so sorry that I helped her, but I think this is what you needed. I don't blame her for leaving you because I think this is just what you needed to see how badly you screwed up."

"What are you talking about?" She asked with annoyed confusion, scrunching her eyebrows in anger.

"You really don't know? Think about it Ash, because I won't tell you. What could have possibly hurt her enough to leave you? If you really don't know, then I don't think you deserve her forgiveness," she finished and though it sounded harsher than she intended, maybe it was what Ashley needed to hear.

"I just don't understand. If it's not the accident, it's not Francesca, and it's not what I did in the hospital then… I…"

"Just think. What would make her feel differently about you? What would change the way she saw you?" Kyla helped all she could; it was really all up to Ashley now recognizing her own mistake and admitting that she's sorry.

"Well…" Ashley stumbled, searching her mind for any clue, any inkling as to what would cause such a great divided between them. Yeah, she was pissed at Kyla, but she could deal with that if… when she had Spencer safely in her arms again. Right now she just needed to focus on one problem at a time, the more important one as it were. "All of those things really, well maybe not the accident so much, but surely she would feel differently because of the other two."

"But you said that she forgave you for them…" Kyla added to give her sister the chance to think again. "Come on Ash… what would cause her to lose her trust in you? It really is right in front of your face."

"I'm trying here Kyla. I am…" She said through a frustrated sigh as she turned her head to pop her neck. "It's just that there are so many things I fucked up with. She thinks I cheated on her… we lost Emy to a car wreck that I could have prevented… She feels like I gave up. Of course I didn't give up! I just couldn't stand it… seeing her dead to the world in that bed was like the ultimate form of torture. Even Spencer said much later that it had been the right call."

"So then what it is that would cause her to leave you? She forgave you for the call in the hospital. She said numerous times the accident was never your fault. And she knows that you love her enough, that the cheating… whether it happened or not is irrelevant." Kyla rattled off all of the items on their mental checklist, hoping to make it easier for her thick-headed sister to see the answer. "But there's still something you're missing and you need to figure it out soon… before it's too late and you lose her completely.

"You know… I spent so much time just sitting and thinking about what I could do to just make it all okay. I mean I know it will never be like it was but… but we should still be together. Right?" Ashley asked with tears forming, looking up with wide hopeful eyes to her sister, seeking some sort of repose. "I just love her so much that it kills me. When I was away in Europe I just…" She trailed off as something suddenly dawned on her, scrunching her brow and biting her lip as she began the think deeply upon her realization.

Kyla's eyes widened in anticipation for the revelation she could see her sister finally having. It was as though the clouds had parted and a light of the brightest beam shined down in front of them, illuminating the path for all to see. She could almost feel the vibrations of the wheels turning in her sister's head as she mulled over the possibilities and solution, her eyes searching for anything and nothing at all as the weight of it bared down upon her.

"Ash?"

"That's it isn't it?" Ashley whispered almost inaudibly as she stared into the space in front of her, her mind still in overdrive as she already knew the answer to her question. How could she have been so stupid? "Because I left…"

"Yeah…" Kyla whispered with a softness equal to that of her sister's. She looked down in regret as she watched Ashley's face contort in anger and pain, her eyes closing as Kyla knew she was internally condemning herself for her past actions.

Slowly, tears broke through eyelids as they began a steady stream down her cheeks. Ashley could only keep her eyes shut as the regret and sorrow consumed her, flooding through her veins and pounding her heart in an upward thrust to lodge it within her throat. How could she have overlooked this? Surely anyone with even half an ounce of compassion would have seen the effects that her absence had caused Spencer. How could she have been so cold?

"Ashley…" Kyla interrupted her mental beat down as she brought a firm hand up to her shoulder, needing Ashley to know that she wasn't alone.

"Don't okay," Ashley demanded as she shrugged off the comforting hand and wiped the tears from her eyes, clenching her jaw in anger and self-disgust. "I deserve to feel this way. I won't let you tell me that it's okay because it's not." She paused as she swallowed the lump in her throat. "It's not okay at all."

"Well I wasn't going to say that to you," she replied with a calm resolve. "I was going to say that we all make mistakes and you're only human, Ash. You're someone who has gone through the unimaginable and somehow made it through to the other side. No one would expect you to act rationally in those situations."

"But I left her!" She rebutted with the full force of her guilt as it burned her from the inside out. "I just left… and for some reason, some completely stupid reason, I'm only now realizing just how awful that was. How could I have been so oblivious?"

"You were hurting, Ash…"

"And she wasn't?" Her steely voice interjected as it rose in anger.

"You were both hurting," Kyla tried again as she fought for some way to console her. "Your judgment was compromised and all of the pain you were in was blocking out your rational thought. People do things they wouldn't normally do when that happens."

"Don't try to justify it, Kyla," Ashley gritted out angrily. "I made such a rash decision and left her to deal with it all alone."

"Okay," she said, deciding to try it Ashley's way. "Then why did you leave?"

"That's such a good fucking question isn't it?" Sarcasm was laced with every word as she shook her head in irritation. "God, I can't even begin to answer that now."

"Then what was going through your head when you left for Europe?"

"All I could think was that I had to get away," she began as she thought back on all of the feelings and moments that had led to that decision. "I remember feeling suffocated, like everything was closing in on me and I couldn't stand the look in Spencer's eyes. I could feel it in everything she did and said that she was completely heart broken and there was nothing I could do to fix it. I remember thinking that if I just left, she would be better off. I was only hurting her more because of all I had done. She shouldn't have been forced to see my face every day."

"And her begging you not to go didn't send up a red flag?" Yeah Spencer had told Kyla much more during their cup of coffee, causing her to leave there completely flabbergasted at the way things had played out, and how she had been totally unaware. Ashley had hid it all so well, or blocked it all out as it seemed.

"Honestly?" She looked up to meet her sister's eyes. "I didn't hear any of it. I couldn't. I had my mind set on getting away before I broke her heart more. I just needed to leave so that she could be okay."

"And all of the phone calls?"

"I made it a point to stay as drunk as I could the whole tour. It was easier to deal with hearing her voice because I could block out all of the pain she was emitting. I could resist her pleas easier…"Trailing off, she looked down in shame as she knew that her actions had been completely selfish. "I never drank so much in my life as I did in those few months. It's no wonder she left me. I would leave me too."

"But she's still in love with you," Kyla offered a slim ray of hope. "After everything you've been through, she still loves you with her whole heart."

"And that's why I don't deserve her."

"Are you sorry Ash?" Kyla asked simply. "Are you sorry for it all?"

"Like you wouldn't believe," Ashley replied without hesitation.

"Then you _do_ deserve her," she argued sternly.

"I would give anything to take it back," Ashley softly continued as more tears formed and slid down. "I mean, I abandoned my wife, someone who I made promises too, when all she wanted was for me to be there for her. How could I not regret that? In my stupid selfish haze, I lost sight of how much it had affected her. I guess until now, I just didn't think that it had hurt her _more _than everything else."

"It hurt her more because of how easy a decision it was for you, how easy it was to just up and leave her like that," she revealed as she watched her sister replay everything on a loop in her mind. "She doesn't trust that it wouldn't be easy for you to do it again, to abandon her."

"I would never make that same mistake twice," she sternly declared as her eyes held such a determination that Kyla was surprised it hadn't knocked her from her chair.

"You and I both know that Ashley. You love her," she said with a proud smile. "You love her enough to learn from the past and fix the present so that you can have the future the two of you deserve."

"Yeah, well…" She said as she sighed in exhaustion. "I just have to figure out how to do that."

"Why don't you start with the Christmas get together?" She offered as Ashley looked up in confusion. "Try talking to her about it there, afterwards of course, and see where that leads. Maybe she'll surprise you. Trust me, I _know _that all she wants for Christmas is that apology."

"Well it still doesn't change the fact that she's engaged. I mean, did she even tell you why that is?" She asked with desperation lacing her confusion.

"No… she never said why, just that she was going through with it anyway," Kyla shook her head as her own confusion mounted. "I tried everything I could think of to pry it out of her but she just beat around the bush about it."

"Hmm…" was all Ashley could mutter as her thoughts were too engrossed in the why factor.

"I do know," Kyla began as her eyebrows hitched. "That she only agreed to get married to push you away. Maybe if you show her that you aren't going anywhere then she'll change her mind."

"I could try that," Ashley nodded in confidence.

"Well you have to try something."

And try she would. Come the dinner, she would confront Spencer about the impending marriage and apologize for her actions profusely. She would make Spencer know and feel with every fiber of her being just how completely sorry she was if it was the last thing she ever did. Now, however, she just had to get through two more days without jumping the gun and seeking her out sooner, before she was ready. A plan was needed and she needed to come up with just the right choice of words to ensure that she made no more mistakes and of that, she would spend the days between going over and perfecting.

* * *

><p>AN: Credit for "Strangers" goes to The New Frontiers. I highly recommend it if you haven't heard it. It's on youtube. I believe it's the most perfect song for them at this point.


	17. Forgiveness, the Enviable Trait

Chapter Seventeen:

Glancing down at her feet nervously as the boots she'd put on that morning scuffed themselves against the cement step, Ashley released a puff of breath in the hopes of achieving some sense of confidence. It had been on her mind all day, every day in fact for the past week or so; what she would do when the time finally came to confront Spencer about their current situation. The possibilities had been playing in her mind on a loop for days upon days and she had yet to feel completely secure in her plan. In fact, as she stood there in that moment fidgeting nervously on the front steps of the Carlin home, she was slowly forgetting her plan altogether. Her hand reached up in a failed attempt to knock softly on the door adorned with its holiday wreath before dropping again to her side, second guessing herself. She rolled her eyes at her own actions, sighing in aggravation. She wished with all that was in her for the courage to make her presence known to the people just on the other side. They were her family after all, or at the very least all she had ever known of one, not complete strangers who weren't expecting her. They had extended the invitation after all. Now all she needed to do was figure out if she should knock or just walk in.

She was caught in that awkward phase in her life where, due to her recent divorce, she was back to square one in figuring out how to act around people, especially her ex's family. She had yet to see them since the papers were signed, sealed, and delivered and even before then, it had been quite a while. Her heart beat began to uncomfortably increase as she thought this over, unsure and quite frankly scared of what they might actually think of her now. She knew in her heart of hearts that it would be almost unbearable if they considered her anything less than what she'd grown accustomed to, what she had spent the last seven years settling into… being one of them.

Her fingers curled into a fist once more as she shook off her nerves and raised her arm to again attempt to knock, her hand inching its way closer to the heavy oak door.

"Come on dumbass," she chastised herself with gritted teeth. "It's just Paula and Arthur… and Glen and Madison… and Olivia. Come on, you're excited to see little Olivia. And Spencer… who's going to be with Jessie…" she trailed off defeatedly as the air left her lungs and her balloon of courage seemingly deflated causing her hand to fall back to her side.

"I'm such a fucking coward…"

"Ashley?"

She looked up to see that Paula had already opened the front door and was now looking at her with a bit of curiosity mixed with a welcoming gaze. Through all of her inner battling, she had failed to notice that Paula had peeked through the window framing the door, seen her standing there, and opened it up to let her inside.

"What are doing just standing out here?" She asked with an amused smile. "Surely after all of these years, you don't think you have to knock."

"I'm sorry Paula," she shook her head as her confidence returned to her in small doses, the warmth and concern radiating from the woman in front of her filling her up again. "I just… I didn't know what to do."

"Well, you can start by coming inside and telling me how you've been lately," she said lovingly with an outstretched hand ushering her inside. "Other than on stage, it's been ages since I've seen you Sweetie."

"I know," Ashley glanced down in shame as she thought of how self-absorbed she'd been as of late, neglecting not only her wife but the others around her that cared as well. "I'm sorry I haven't stopped by… I just didn't think…"

"Think nothing of it Ashley," Paula said once they'd come to stand in the foyer, echoes of laughter and idle chit-chat emanating from a far room in the house. "You're a member of this family, and nothing my daughter does will change that."

"Thank you," she barely uttered as she was engulfed in a warm embrace, her eyes closing in contentment as a lone tear filled her eye. For most of the past decade, Paula Carlin was all she'd known of a mother and it was so very relieving to know that she still had at least one thing she'd grown to love.

"You're very welcome Dear," she replied through a smile as she rubbed her soft hands in soothing circles across Ashley's back. "How are you doing? Honestly," she added once they'd pulled apart to meet each other's gaze.

"I've seen better days," she said with a hoarse voice as she sullenly looked towards her feet. "But I'm sure you know that already."

"I wish there was something I could do to help you both, Ashley, I really do," Paula confessed with a soothing hand resting gently on Ashley's shoulder, sorrow for the girl's current situation filling her eyes. It was in that moment that she wondered how anyone could have ever abandoned the amazing person in front of her, as her parents so easily had. She had words for them when they would meet up, and if the time ever came she would stand up to them in Ashley's honor.

"It's okay Paula," Ashley offered with a small forced smile, as she looked up into familiar blue eyes, eyes so much like her love's but a shade lighter and more world worn. "It's not up to you."

"Even so," she shrugged as they headed for the back room where Ashley knew that this year's most beautiful tree awaited. Paula was always a sap for decorating, sending Arthur out to fetch the perfect tree while she retrieved the ornaments from the attic. "I'd do anything."

Ashley stopped momentarily as she listened intently for that one voice that could put an end to all of her suffering, the voice of her love. She was quite hesitant to continue on, unsure of how to act exactly. Her heart was crying out for her to turn around and run far away in the opposite direction, for fear of being forced to watch Spencer interact in any way with the woman who now stood in _her_ shoes. She could almost feel her feet begin to turn as Paula's voice broker her from her thoughts.

"It's okay Ashley," she said in the softest tone as a comforting hand continued to usher her on. "She isn't here yet."

"Oh…" She trailed off, unsure whether to give herself away or not. "It's okay I was just lost in thought for a moment."

"I understand," she nodded somberly as she thought of the horrible situation the two soul mates were in. _Didn't it matter to either one of them that they were destined to be together? It was written in the stars for crying out loud._ Paula surmised that this evening would only prove to be a tough one for all parties involved and she only hoped that they would have the courage to make it through.

Rounding the hall, they were greeted with several pairs of eyes glancing up in their direction as they entered the family room that held so many memories for Ashley. She remembered the countless times she'd joined them here for family game night, partaking in _Pictionary_, _Apples to Apples_, _Scrabble_ tournaments, and any other fun filled hilarious game they could think to buy. The fire place was alit and she thought fondly on the time she'd sat with Spencer in front of it during one of their first dates just talking and drinking hot chocolate. And she didn't miss out in thinking of the time she'd come to this very room to ask Paula and Arthur's permission to marry their only daughter, a night she'd dreaded since the exact moment she knew without a doubt that she wanted nothing more than to spend eternity making their daughter smile. Needless to say, as she entered the room it wasn't the eyes that made her heart pound, it was the memories that would forever be etched in her mind.

"Ashley!" Glen immediately hopped up from his seat on the sectional to throw his arms excitedly around her. "How's my favorite lesbian?"

A chuckle escaped her as she humbly accepted his embrace and hugged him back after allowing her heart to melt in the slightest. It had taken him a while to warm up to her at first, with her past and reputation preceding her and all; but once he did, she reckoned that he'd be an ally for life.

"Shouldn't Spencer be your favorite lesbian?" She joked back with an awkward twitch in her stomach at having uttered that beautiful name.

"Nah," he grimaced as he released his hold on her, however, leaving his arm draped around her shoulder. "She's my baby sister. I hate to think of her as anything other than… pure."

"Gotcha," she nodded with a raised eyebrow, having quite similar feelings about her baby sister.

"Hey Chica," a familiar voice caused her to turn around with a small smile. "How are you?"

"Madison," she hugged the Latina warmly as she answered, "I'm actually okay believe it or not, but I'm even better now that I've been able to see the two of you after so long."

"It has been a while huh?" She asked once they pulled apart and Ashley stepped back, squinting her eyes and gazing around the room.

"So where's the little one at? I think I owe her a piggy back ride or something," she finished with a beaming smile as she discovered a small pair of eyes peeking at her from around the corner between the wall and the arm of the sofa. "Hmmm… she must not be here," she feigned disappointment as she pretended to not have seen, her hand above her brows to block out the light and get a better look. "Oh well, I guess I'll have to return her gift…" She sighed dramatically in faux disappointment.

"No!" Olivia suddenly exclaimed as she jumped dramatically from her hiding spot, paddling over to her aunt in all of her five-year-old enthusiasm. "Aunt Ashwey, you can't return it… I don't even know what it is yet."

"Well, you better give me a hug then Booger," she joked in a way that made it seem as though it was of dire importance, her arms dramatically outstretched towards the little girl as she kneeled down on one knee.

Giggling, Olivia wasted no time in throwing her arms around Ashley's neck and hugging her with all her might, their similar brown curls mingling as the two embraced lovingly. Ashley couldn't help but feel the smallest tug at her heart as she closed her eyes, thinking back to hugs with her own child. It was then that she wondered if the feelings would ever truly leave her, if everything around her would always serve as a reminder. With a swallow, she pulled away and her smile returned as she stared into wide green eyes, their sparkles mirroring her childlike wonderment.

"Can I have my pwesent now Aunt Ashwey? I pwomise I been good," she said with conviction as the surrounding adults erupted in adoring laughter.

"Have you now?" Ashley asked with a chuckle as she moved her way to sit on the couch next to Glen. "Well then, if your Mommy and Daddy don't care, I'll give it to you now." It was usually customary for the family to exchange gifts after their annual Christmas dinner, but how was Ashley to resist such an adorably pleading expression.

"Daddy, pwease," Olivia pleaded upon turning towards Glen and bringing her hands together.

"Had to leave it up to me huh Ash," Glen mentioned from the side of his mouth, whispering in her direction before smiling gallantly to his little princess. "You have been a good girl this year, so…" You could almost see the anticipation radiating from her as he drawled it out in suspense. "I suppose."

"Yay!" She exclaimed while throwing her hands in the air and moving her way to sit in Ashley's lap. "Daddy said I could!"

"I heard," Ashley replied before reaching inside her jacket and pulling an envelope from her breast pocket. "But you better tell your Mommy to come over here because it's for her too."

Her tiny face scrunched in confusion as she glanced upon the green envelope in curiosity. Never before had she been forced to share a gift, so it was quite the mystery. "Otay… Mommy, come open it with me." Madison obliged the request with an excited smile, playing to her daughter's fascination as she crouched in front of Glen and retrieved the envelope from Ashley.

"What could this be?" She asked her daughter in a dramatic fashion as the three huddled close together, watching as a card was pulled from within.

Ashley's lips curled up into a smile as Madison began to open the card, reading as she went.

_To a beautiful family, may all of your holidays shine. For you'll never know what it means, that I'm able to call you mine. Here are three golden passes, let your imaginations run wild. And never take for granted the gleam in the eyes of your child._

"Oh Ashley," Madison choked out as she turned to take her sister-in-law into a grateful embrace, closing the card and wiping the small tear that had lingered in her eye, knowing what Ashley was trying to say with the card and it's Mickey Mouse ears. "Thank you so much."

"Don't mention it," Ashley downplayed as she forced her own tears back, pulling away and smiling her small closed mouth smile. She then glanced down to Olivia who was curiously inspecting the card and the passes, not quite aware of what they were exactly. Ashley couldn't help but smile as she watched her brow scrunch in confusion.

"But Aunt Ashwey," she voiced, her hand searching the envelope and coming up empty, save for three golden cards. "Where's the pwesent?"

"That is your present sweetie," Ashley giggled as she grabbed one of the cards from her tiny hand. "You see this here, that is Mickey Mouse and do you know where he lives?"

"He lives in Disneywand!" She exclaimed with her arms flamboyantly tossed in the air as she remembered visiting him just last year. It had been the most joyous occasion of her short life thus far and she could remember seeing him and all of his friends too.

"Yeah," Ashley awarded with a smile. "And do you know what this card does?" Olivia could only shake her little head in confusion. "It lets you go see him anytime you want. You and your Mommy and Daddy, for forever."

"Forever?" Her green eyes lit up exponentially as she took in the information. She was allowed to go to Disneyland anytime she wanted?

"Man Ashley," Glen said in disbelief as he took one of the passes in his hands to read over the back, seeing his very name engraved into the thin gold plate, much like a durable credit card but metal. However, this particular card had no expiration date, instead, it only read: _Good for a lifetime of adventure and imagination!_ "How in the world did you manage to score these? I heard they were almost impossible to get."

"Well," she shrugged as her eyebrows knitted together in thought. "I told Kyla to do whatever it took… and even though I agreed to write the original music for the next three animated features," she swallowed in disgust as she rolled her eyes. "They assured me that it wasn't necessary and to have my manager stop in to pick them up. I'm guessing that they'd heard about what happened… because the note that I received from them was basically a condolence letter stating that they would do anything they could for me and my family." Her words ended on a somber note as everyone glanced down in remembrance, the light and fluffy mood suddenly darkening as they heard the front door open.

"Well Ash," Madison's quivering voice spoke up as her hand then rested on the sullen singer's knee. "I don't how I can thank you enough." She fought hard to maintain her emotions in front of Ashley as her heart went out to the still grieving mother, a mother who would never again be able to laugh with her child as Mickey tickled her nose or to spend a family filled day traipsing through Disneyland and riding every ride in sight. She guessed that this was Ashley's way of letting her and Glen know that life, as precious as it is, should never be wasted. It should be lived to the fullest with the little ones that make it worthwhile.

"Seeing her face light up like that is plenty," Ashley replied as she received a welcomed hug from her only niece. "I love you kiddo."

"I wove you too Aunt Ashwey," Olivia replied as they broke apart, Ashley's eyes housing tears of the painful kind. Tears not for her niece, but for the hugs she would never have with her daughter.

"Hey everyone. Sorry we're late…" Spencer's voice suddenly came from nowhere to cut through the blaring tension. Everyone had been so lost in the memory of a beautiful life lost that no one had even heard the front door open and close. Her eye's scanned the faces of her family as they each held in their emotions and forced small smiles to their faces, covering any trace of the mood that had filtered in moments before. Ashley's heart had leaped several tall buildings upon hearing that voice enter the atmosphere, her eyes immediately averting to the room's newest occupant, one who sent her nerves into a fluttering frenzy. "What's going on? Is everything alright?" Spencer asked with scrunched eyebrows, her curiosity mounting along with her confusion.

"Yeah Dear," her mother's voice cracked as she stood to give her only daughter a hug, one which echoed Ashley's sentiment to never take life or anyone for granted. Spencer's eyes only scrunched in further as she wondered what on Earth could have occurred to make her mother embrace her with so much desperation. "Everything will be okay."

Spencer smiled into her mother's embrace, and as they pulled apart, she wasted no time in searching the room for the only face she'd ever belong to. It was almost instantly that blue met brown and everything and everyone around them faded into the background, their heartbeats increasing as small smiles mirrored each other. They neither one had the power to speak or even move, that is, until the comfortable silence was broken.

"Hey Spencer," Jessie's voice came into focus as she entered the room, Christmas cards in tow. "Here, you left these in the car." She lifted her hand to show the cards to her, instantly feeling bad as she noticed Ashley's face fall the tiniest bit. It had never been her idea to come tonight, but as Spencer had insisted, she had all too easily relented.

"Would you mind just setting them on the mantle for me?" She asked softly as doing so herself required her to move the slightest bit in Ashley's direction; and she was still too focused on her erratic heartbeat and remembering to breathe to do so.

"Yeah sure," Ashley heard Jessie answer sweetly, as though she would do anything in this world for Spencer… anything like be her strong shoulder in a time of need. Watching as she moved to place the cards on the mantle, Ashley couldn't help but feel her heart drop as she thought of how Jessie was seemingly ready to be everything that she had failed to be for Spencer, her eyes falling to glance down with regret. She had to make this right and win her back. If not, she was certain this level of heartache would kill her quickly and without mercy.

"Well everyone," Arthur's voice finally bellowed from within the kitchen. It was then that everyone's nose perked up in interest as the sweet aroma of Christmas dinner filled their senses. "Dinner is served!" He exclaimed with a smile, coming into the family room dressed in his chef's hat and _Kiss the Cook_ apron. Paula wasted no time in obliging its request with a smile and a pinch to his side.

Arthur could only smile with a small blush as he giggled at his wife's flirtatious actions, his eyes looking towards the ceiling shyly as Paula proceeded to plant the biggest kiss on his mouth.

"Mom!" Glen exclaimed in faux shock as he quickly threw a hand up to cover Ashley's eyes. "Not in front of the little one."

"Haha," Ashley said with a smile, knowing and quite thankful that Glen was trying to make her feel as welcome as possible and to recover from the emotional last few minutes. "Very funny Glen."

Glen laughed softly as his sister-in-law shrugged off his hand and shoved him lovingly on the shoulder. Joking in this manner had always been their thing, endlessly trying to outwit the other. Somehow though, through years of practice at being indifferent to society and its ways, Ashley had always held the upper hand.

Spencer could feel her heart melt the tiniest fraction at their exchange, sighing in relief as Ashley's glorious smile flashed everyone around her. She was almost transported back to years ago when they were younger and everything was much easier. She knew then how to act and how to feel around Ashley; it was the most natural and easiest thing in the world. Looking down at her hands and wishing for the courage to remain composed, she regretfully thought of how it was now at the point where she needed a buffer to be around Ashley, someone who knew the situation and could keep her from being dragged into the black hole of awkwardness. It was completely and utterly pathetic really. Here was Ashley, the love of her life, her soul mate, and she needed a wingman in order to sit down and have dinner with her.

"Oh Glen, you and I both know who the _real_ guitar hero is," Ashley's smirking voice brought her from her thoughts. She had zoned out enough to not have caught the first part of their debate.

Spencer lifted her gaze in time to catch the sight of her brother and her love sizing each other up, as was their custom, with challenging eyes and hearty grins on both of their faces. She allowed a small yet hopeful smile reach her lips as she thought that maybe it would be easier than she had first imagined.

In no time at all, the entire Carlin clan had devoured Arthur's Christmas masterpiece, consisting of honey glazed ham cooked to perfection and topped with juicy pineapple rounds, a wonderfully fluffed bowl of garlic and herb mashed potatoes, French cut homemade green beans seasoned with the perfect amount of bacon, and a corn casserole to die for. All in all, he was feeling quite accomplished as he glanced around the table and noticed empty plates and full bellies. Smiling, he allowed his gaze take in the determination in Ashley's eyes, thinking back fondly on how she had confidently claimed her usual seat next to Spencer without an ounce of hesitation. He could see it in her eyes what she was doing and what she had come here for, the spark of courage shining its way through her nerves and the doubt from earlier. He only hoped that it would pan out for her in the end.

In the years the he'd come to know and love Ashley, seeing her as nothing less than a daughter, he knew that no one would ever make his little girl happier or love her more than the rebellious singer. It had been a most obvious answer when he'd gladly given her permission to ask for his little girl's hand in marriage, a choice that he would never regret. Even now, at the dinner table almost eight years later, he could still see through his own fading vision that it had been a union of soul mates, one which may have been severed for the moment; but he still felt without any doubt that it would regain its strength and live on for many years to come. Spencer and Ashley's love was the stuff of legends, and to witness it firsthand was almost overwhelming.

"So Ashley," he began as Paula stood to gather the dishes, Spencer wasting no time to help with the task. "Any new music in the works? I hear that your last show was pretty phenomenal."

"Actually Mr. C," she said without an air of nervousness. It had surprised her how relaxed and calm she had felt throughout the entire meal, not shying away from conversation or feeling out of place at all. "I have been working on a few new songs, but they're still kind of up in the air. I'm not sure when I'll get around to recording them." She glanced down in thought for only a doubtful moment before meeting his gaze once more with confidence. "I sort of… severed ties with my producer and the label is not exactly happy with me right now. They're trying to find some way to justify that I'm breaching contract so that they can sue me." She finished with a tired chuckle, noticing Spencer's gaze shoot in her direction from beside her.

"You did?" Spencer's shaky voice asked with astonishment gleaming in her eyes, her hands halting all further movement and clutching her plate. It was as though that moment had lifted an unknown weight from her heart. Ashley had finally done what she had desperately needed her to do, and it was relieving to say the least.

"Umm…" Ashley faltered for only a small sliver of a second before bringing her gaze up to meet blue. "Yeah, I was contracted to work with her for two more albums… and call me crazy, but I couldn't stand the sight of her… let alone work with her again. Not after what she did."

"I… I uhh…" Spencer stuttered, blinking back her tears of relief as she averted her gaze and continued on with her task. The news of Ashley's courageous decision had melted her heart in just the perfect way. If only it had happened sooner. "I better get these dishes in there… Mom's dishwasher waits for no one," she redirected her words before grabbing both Jessie and Ashley's plates and retreating hastily.

"I think that's awesome Ashley," Jessie offered with a rather nervous smile. She had never been left to talk to the singer without Spencer there in some sort of way, and was entirely unsure of how to approach it. "That bitch will get what's coming to her."

Ashley's eyes shifted downward in contemplation as she remembered that Jessie was not her enemy; the girl was likely being played too and she realized that she couldn't blame her. She had been there for her wife throughout a horrible time when she mentally and physically couldn't; she surmised that she was more than likely in her debt.

"Thank you Jessie," Ashley replied with her head held high, conveying the sincerity of the statement, though the true meaning behind it more than likely fell on deaf ears. "That means a lot."

Jessie only shrugged in response, still unsure of how to read Ashley.

"Well, Mr. C…" Ashley continued as she rose from her seat. "If you don't mind, I think I will borrow your piano for a moment." It might have seemed like a strange request, but she had suddenly felt the need for some alone time; and knowing that the rest of the Carlin clan was due to convene on the front steps for the annual carolers, this would be an opportunity to gather her thoughts and courage to confront Spencer.

"Oh not at all Ashley," he replied with a wave of his hand in the direction of the den in the far reaches of the ground level. "It only really gets played when you're here anyway. I think it's time the ivory was dusted off a bit."

"Thank you Mr. C," she smiled with a small chuckle before grabbing her glass of water and heading in the direction of the den.

As she wondered down the hall towards the back of the house, she took in the various photos adorning the walls; pictures of Spencer and her brothers when they were young, pictures of Arthur and Paul with Olivia and Emery, and pictures of happy wedding days. A pain had snuck up on her at seeing them all, her hand lightly gracing over the top of the ones of her daughter. She could immediately feel her heart break all over again at the sight of curly blonde hair and bright eyes staring up at her, laughing and carrying on, completely unaware of what the future was to hold. Swallowing, she managed to force her gaze away, but just long enough to glimpse a beautiful sunset photograph, one in which she was holding everything she'd ever wanted in life. It was their wedding day, the sun meeting the ocean on the horizon in Hawaii, burning shades of reds and oranges across the skyline. Spencer was wearing a white sundress and barefoot on the beach. She was wearing a rolled up buttoned down white shirt with loose gray capri slacks. It had been everything that she never knew she had wanted in a wedding… a marriage, one which she would get back no matter the cost.

Steeling her jaw in determination, she ventured further to the den, desperately needing to regain her composure and figure out just how to go about it exactly. It would be one of the most important moments of her life and she needed to be sure that she wouldn't blow it. As she adjusted herself onto the cool bench in front of the elegant grand piano, she lifted the cover and immediately rested her fingertips against the smooth contours of the ivory keys. It had been an arduous task of getting the piano for the Carlin's twenty-fifth wedding anniversary with Spencer fighting her tooth and nail the entire way, not wanting her to spend so much money. But she played it off as being quite necessary in order for her to make an impeccable second impression, desperately citing the need to make up for the awful first one in which she had inadvertently played footsy with Mrs. C at one of the most regal restaurants in all of Los Angeles. Needless to say that night had ended a bit differently than she had hoped as meeting Spencer's parents had been something she had already been nervous enough about.

But it had been worth it. Everything had been worth it.

Striking the first chords, she began the intro to the newest song she'd begun working on as of late; and though it was written with the acoustic guitar in mind, it lent itself quite well to piano, giving it a more intimate feel. Closing her eyes, she searched her mind for the lyrics that had yet to be written, wondering just what path this song would take but knowing it would show her much softer side. It took her less than ten seconds before her lips formed the first words.

_There's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth  
>Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt<br>It's still a little harder to say what's going on_

Spencer watched from the doorway, immediately feeling her goosebumps stand on end at having heard the beautiful melody that Ashley was playing. It always caused this reaction from her, this tingling up her spine as she would listen and fall even deeper. Crossing her arms to ward off the chills, she leaned against the doorframe, having found Ashley moments before she'd started singing, the rest of her family on the porch along with Jessie watching the neighborhood carolers. It was always such a _Brady Bunch_ thing to do in her eyes and she was never really fond of it. Usually she and Ashley would watch for half of a song from the back and then sneak back inside and get lost in each other for a few minutes.

_There's still a little bit of your ghost, your witness  
>Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed<br>You step a little closer each day  
>That I can't say what's going on<em>

She listened with rapt fascination and love as Ashley hummed through the chorus part, not yet having the words. It amazed her how overwhelmingly talented her love was, and she felt all too undeserving to be considered her muse. Yet here Ashley was, seemingly still singing about her. Tears began their relentless formation behind her eyelids as she allowed them to close and savor the beautiful sounds coming from Ashley's slender fingers as she continued on without any lyrics, the haunting melody transforming and igniting within her even more regret. _How had I let it get this far?_ Suddenly Ashley began belting out in full voice what she guessed would become the chorus, and it saddened her exponentially.

_And stones taught me to fly  
>Love, it taught me to lie<br>Life, taught me to die  
>So it's not hard to fall<br>When you float like a cannon_

_Stones taught me to fly  
>Love, it taught me to cry<br>So come on courage  
>Teach me to be shy<br>'Cause it's not hard to fall_

_And I don't wanna scare her  
>It's not hard to fall<br>And I don't wanna lose  
>It's not hard to grow<br>When you know that you just don't know_

As her voice trailed off, her fingers slowed and she was left with her hands hovering above the keys and her eyes closed. She had been finding herself lost in music lately, allowing songs to write themselves; and it was certainly taking her down different creative paths. Her music had just become this wide open plane of possibility and it was challenging for her to not leave herself completely open and vulnerable. Though she hadn't necessarily come in here to write a new song, she was at a loss of how to stop it once it had started, though still quite thankful it had done its job of calming her and allowing her courage to reinstate itself.

"Cannonball… just… just be a cannonball," she chided herself in her own personal pep talk, unaware of the present company watching her.

"It's beautiful," a voice broke her thoughts as she swung around on the chair in surprise.

"Spencer, I… I didn't know anyone was watching," Ashley said shyly while glancing down at her hands, having immediately jolted to a standing position in front of the bench.

"I'm sorry," Spencer offered as she entered the room to stand opposite to her. "I just heard you playing and I couldn't resist."

"It's okay I… uhh… was just fooling around anyway," she answered as she felt her heart pounding in her chest, knowing full well that her courage was pleading with her to abandon ship.

"It was really beautiful," Spencer reiterated with twinkling sincerity shining behind the unshed tears that were remaining at bay.

"Thanks…" she trailed off as an awkward silence filtered into the room, engulfing them both and consuming any words that Ashley had planned to say. She then realized that if she didn't speak up now, Spencer would surely retreat and go back to her business; but no matter how hard she fought her mind, or how much she wanted to speak, the moment seemed to paralyze her, leaving them both in an awkward version of limbo.

"Well, I better…" Spencer barely said with a hand pointing towards the door before Ashley managed to interrupt her.

"I'm sorry!" She exclaimed as though the words had been dying to be free for centuries.

"What?" Her eyebrows scrunched in confusion. That last time she checked, she had been the one to startle Ashley and interrupt her playing.

"Spencer, you have no idea…" she panted out in a bundle of nervous words, whispered loud enough to make their way to her love's ears. "I just… I need you to know…"

"Ashley? What's wrong?" She asked as she landed her hand gently on Ashley's shaking shoulder. Clearly something was going on and it was causing the usually confident woman to teeter on the verge of hyperventilation.

Ashley closed her eyes and sighed out her nerves, breathing in such a way to regain her composure and handle this with confidence. "I'm sorry," she restated with still, calm words and a firm posture, no longer the stuttering mess from moments ago. No, this was a person who knew what they wanted and was done being scared to take it.

"Ashley, I…" Spencer shook her head, still completely confused as to what they were even referring. She was cut short from thinking it over further, however, as warm lips collided with her own and she was grasped with desperation and forced against the wall of the den. Hands gripped her hips gently as a hot tongue made its way into her mouth, tangling and claiming her own. If she wasn't confused enough before, then she surely was now. Confused and scared.

Ashley continued with her act of passion as she sealed her mouth over Spencer's, needing to show just how sorry she really was. Her hands made their way up smooth sides and shoulders to tangle within loose blonde locks, pulling Spencer impossibly closer as the world around them faded into the abyss. Nothing else mattered at that moment but the two of them and the reclaiming of a love lost.

Spencer barely registered in her mind what her hands were doing until she felt them claw and knead at Ashley's back, completely unaware of just how much she had missed this and how much she was actually craving it and acting on autopilot. She pulled a strong back further into her as she felt Ashley's hands make their way up her body to cradle her head in fingers that had moments before played a heartbreaking tune. If she had been holding back before then she had unleashed her desire in that instant, grasping Ashley and battling her tongue with her own.

Ashley's desire mounted exponentially at feeling Spencer's hands clutch her back passionately, pulling her closer and deepening their kiss. She took that as a sign to continue and moved her steady hands back downward, gripping Spencer's thighs and hoisting her up higher against the wall and bringing her hips to rest between long legs.

Surprised by the action but not registering it in her mind, Spencer subconsciously allowed her legs to wrap around Ashley's hips as her arms encircled their way around a smooth neck and strong shoulder, lips remaining locked onto one another.

Breaking the kiss for the first time since it started, Ashley wasted no time in moving on to Spencer's neck, dragging her tongue along the skin she found there and holding on for dear life. She had been without this feeling for months now and it was all she could do to not take her right then and there. It was then that she slowed her actions as she thought of how primal she had been and decided to slow her pace to a more loving one. Holding her up with the strength of one hand and the help from Spencer's legs, she moved her other hand around and up to run underneath her shirt and across a smooth abdomen, inching its way further up until it was caressing a bra clad breast.

The moment Ashley's hand had met the hot skin of her torso, tears began slipping from her eyes as she realized that she was still so hurt by her. Bringing one hand up from Ashley's shoulder blade, she covered her mouth to stifle a sob as Ashley continued to kiss a path down her neck, her hand slowly slipping underneath her lacey bra. It all just felt so wrong and yet she wasn't sure she could bring herself to put a stop to it; not because she wanted to continue, but more so because she had been without her touch for so long. Her body was craving what her mind was fearful of. This only served to sadden her even more because now she felt as though she could never be with Ashley again without feeling so completely heart broken. Yes, she had apologized, but for what was still unclear. They had so much to talk about and that was what they should be doing at that moment, not this.

As she brought her tongue back up Spencer's jawline and around to reconnect with her lips, she felt a hot liquid coat her cheek, startling her. Pulling back slightly and forcing her eyes to open through their lust-filled daze, she was immediately brought back to Earth as she registered tears spilling from Spencer's eyes. All at once, her desire receded and her heart began to physically hurt from the sight of her love quietly sobbing in such a way that made it apparent she was no longer wanting it, but instead wanting to curl up into a ball and cry her heart out.

"Spencer?" She whispered out with love and concern. "Baby, what's wrong? Did I hurt you?" Her fingertips light grazed over wet cheeks to rid them of tears, lovingly flickering over cool eyelids.

Sobbing further, but holding in the sounds, Spencer nodded her head regretfully as Ashley set her back on her feet and pulled away to get a better view of her.

"Did I squeeze you too hard?" Ashley asked, clearly oblivious to the hurt that Spencer had been referring to. "I didn't mean to… I'm sorry, it's just… been so long… I…"

"Stop," she whispered out as she held up a hand to silence Ashley's further words. "That's not what I mean."

"Well I…" She scrunched her eyebrows as she was interrupted.

"What were you apologizing for Ashley?" She asked with a firm voice back. She needed to remain strong and regain her composure that Ashley had forced from her in a thoughtless display of passion. "Before I mean…"

"Oh," she replied as realization dawned on her that she had merely apologized then attacked Spencer's lips, not exactly how she had wanted to handle the situation. "I umm…"

"Well?" Her eyebrows rose in anticipation.

"I know Spencer," Ashley confessed with a steady jaw, her courage building back up. "I know that you left me for a reason, and that reason had nothing to do with not being in-love with me… Because I know that you are. With all of my heart, I know that you love me."

Spencer could only bit her bottom lip as she averted her gaze from Ashley's determined eyes and allowed tears to further spill from hers. Here was the conversation that she had dreaded, and it was staring her in the face, challenging her to run or fight back.

"I know that you don't love Jessie, that you never did… at least not as more than a friend," she continued as she closed the distance between them and brought her hand to turn Spencer's gaze back to meet her own. "I don't know why you're still with her, but I do know why you left me…"

"…And?" swallowing, Spencer's shaky voice whispered as she hung on the moment, waiting for Ashley to finally realize what she had been living with all along.

"Leaving you when you needed me…" She paused as Spencer's sobs echoed through the room, conveying just how relieved she was for Ashley to finally get it. "When we needed each other, was the single biggest mistake of my entire life." It was in that moment that her own tears began to make their way down her cheeks as the two stood inches apart. "As painful as it was… as heartbreaking and traumatic as it was, I would relive every single moment of that night, the car crash, the hospital… the months afterwards… All of it. If it meant that I would be able to change what I did and be there for you. I would be there for you!" She finished as they both began sobbing uncontrollably, clutching to each other as though nothing else mattered. "I would do anything…"

"Oh Ash," Spencer sighed out through her tears as her arms made their way around Ashley's neck, pulling her as close as possible and connecting their foreheads. Finally hearing it from the person who needed to say it to her had melted her walls enough to be able to look past the trust issues for the moment, to be able to enjoy this moment of clarity. Though she had been vastly heartbroken for many months, upon hearing Ashley's words, the pain subsided enough for her to feel the wounds begin to heal. It would be a long process, and there was no telling if they would ever be okay again, but at least she could know that Ashley regretted hurting her… that breaking her heart had broken hers too. If only trust could be as easily resolved.

"Spencer, I love you so completely and I am so sorry for everything. You have to believe me," she softly whispered against her lips as they remained in an embrace, their eyes closed in momentary contentment.

"I do believe you Ash," she whispered, her hand coming up to gently caress Ashley's cheek and wander down to rest over her heart, feeling it pound ever so frantically beneath the surface. "Your heart is pounding so fast…"

"I knew how important this moment was… for us," Ashley answered with hesitance, quite nervous to voice her questions of their future.

"Ashley, I…" She stammered out with a shaking head, backing out of their embrace and throwing her walls back up, her heart and mind conflicting with each other. "I don't know what to do."

"Call it off…" She hadn't needed to elaborate as it was very clear and she couldn't be referring to anything else.

"It's not that simple," Spencer said softly before glancing to the floor. Though much had been revealed within the last few minutes, one thing still remained hidden in the dark and she wasn't sure she could come clean with it.

"It is simple," Ashley argued before crossing the distance Spencer had created and taking her hands in her own. "Look I know that we have so much to work through and figure out right now... I know that you don't trust me anymore and I could never blame you for that. I screwed that up myself… But I love you and I know that you love me too… There's not much in this world that I believe in, but I do believe in that."

As Spencer glanced up and returned her gaze to Ashley's, she could see so much hope and love shining through that she was on the verge of giving in. All she had to do was open her mouth and agree, but just as she was about to, the moment was stolen from them as her mother burst into the room frantically searching for her.

"Spencer!" Paula exclaimed in a fit of worry. "It's Jessie… she collapsed on the front porch."


	18. So Much For the Afterglow

**Chapter Eighteen**

It was a whirlwind of moments, consecutive and ill-fated, each one standing still for Ashley Davies as she watched with horror, her heart refusing to resume its steady beating as Spencer retreated from her...

From them…

From what they had both seemingly wanted to reclaim…

The first of those moments saw Spencer acknowledge her mother's worried panic, breaking her gaze with Ashley and swallowing the lump in her throat as tears suddenly sprang forward. But these were not worried tears or even sad tears. These tears were the kind of tears that live on in your memory, haunting you until you forget what it was like to ever know what it felt like to be content. These tears were the ones that made Ashley suddenly aware of where she stood with her love. These were the tears of regret; and as she watched Spencer in a frozen daze, her face construed in disbelief and possibly thinking back on the minutes prior, she knew that these tears were the result of a tough decision. A choice had been made in that moment and she had lost out.

"Spencer?" Ashley whispered in fear, knowing that she had to speak but hesitant to hear the reaction to their stolen conversation. "What's going on?"

She knew what was to come, her heart painfully awaiting the only possible outcome as it sat quietly and still, lodging itself in her throat. She knew that the minute she had spoken and shattered her love's quiet contemplation that she had undoubtedly hammered in the final nail of her coffin, for there was only one reaction that Spencer could have to this moment. She knew her wife; and she knew how responsible she was. If something was wrong with Jessie, Spencer would stand by her.

And yet, she had to speak… to know.

Call her a fool, but she just had bring them back to their current dilemma to hear Spencer's predictable answer to her previous attempt at a solution for them, for their heartache. She knew that she had lost her the moment Paula had broken their bubble with the horrendous news, news which she knew would imbed a sense of guilt in her love's heart. And that guilt would be the reason for the outcome.

"She… I…" Spencer stammered out breathlessly as her hand came up to caress her forehead and then land above her mouth.

How could she possibly react to this? Ashley had said everything perfectly, everything she had been waiting to hear. She could want nothing more from her except her arms and lips encompassing her. But how could she abandon her best friend right now, one who had been there to catch her after she had fallen so far? It was an impossible situation.

She was completely stunned upon receiving the news, still not having quite processed fully the unexpected turn of events from before; Ashley's confession and apology, not only blindsiding her, but melting her enough to where she had completely forgotten the realities of her life at that point. Momentarily, she had allowed herself to float back to the land of naivety, believing that she could just jump into Ashley's arms and they could suddenly move on from the past together. While that was an ideal situation, she knew that they did not live in an ideal world. Her life wasn't just about the two of them anymore, as she had regrettably lodged her dear friend into the middle of it. She now had responsibilities to look after, ones of dire importance that could have a lasting impact on her conscience if she did not see them through. And what kind of life could she ever hope to have with Ashley if she could never overcome the guilt that this would surely cause should she choose selfishness?

"I have to go," she breathed out through a regretful sob as her hand came up to gently caress Ashley's trembling cheek, tears soaking her fingers as they traveled their perimeter.

She could visibly see her love's heart break reflecting outwardly through glassy chestnut eyes. It would be a vision that would certainly haunt her in the coming days; but her only hope was that Ashley would be patient enough for her to be able to come back and mend it one day, knowing without a doubt that she would dedicate the rest of her life to doing so. She knew that the thought was selfish, unreasonable, and highly unlikely.

What kind of logic would have Ashley waiting around for someone who had left her completely broken?

The idea to come clean about everything to Ashley had never been more enticing than in that particular moment; but she could never betray her friend's wishes like that. Jessie had desperately convinced her to keep the matter of her health a private one; and she had also adamantly refused to even entertain the idea of using the money Spencer had received from the settlement, threatening to refuse treatment in any form. It was truly a no win situation for Spencer; and having enough death in her life to last well until her own, she had chosen the path of least morbidity.

Ashley painfully exhaled the breath she had unknowingly been holding as Spencer turned away from her and followed her mother into the hallway without a second look back, leaving her completely and utterly alone not for the first time. Her eyes remained unblinking as she waited on a breadth of a moment for those eyes, the color of blue that had painted her very soul, to come back and meet her lost murky ones…

To speak to her and tell her she loved her…

That this was all just a big mistake and they would be together again…

She waited and waited steadily, not blinking for fear of missing her savior, the only thing in this world that would have the power to put her tiny pieces back together. She waited for a return that would never come.

Minute after minute passed as Ashley stood rooted to the same spot Spencer had left her. Time and again she had willed her feet to move and carry her in the heartbreaking direction of her lonely loft; however her heart had been much too heavy for her legs to carry. Instead she remained staring into the abyss of memories and regrets, idly wondering what she could possibly do with her life now. Her very reason for existence had walked out the door and left her for the second time; and though the first time had unimaginably hurt, this time had somehow surpassed it. Just when she thought she could never possibly hurt more, a bullet of unmitigated caliber had torn through her heart.

Spencer had walked away after all of the cards had been thrown face up on the table. They had said everything they could possibly say to one another. She had discovered the root of their problem, apologized, and had seemingly been forgiven. Spencer had been a sliver of a moment away from falling into her arms and healing them both; she had seen the intention shining in blues eyes. But reality had reared its ugly head and thrown them sideways, off track. Spencer's desire to give in and be with Ashley had been overpowered by her morality to do what was right, however wrong it seemed. Spencer was doing right by her fiancée, the woman she had committed herself to; and Ashley could not deny that.

She shook her head at the irony as she thought of how the main reason she was in-love with Spencer, her kindness and loyalty, was also the very reason Spencer had broken her heart just then. As much as she hated the moment, and as much as she wished for Spencer to have just been selfish for once, she couldn't bring herself to fault her. It was not Spencer's fault that they were in this predicament in the first place. Yes, Spencer had made the decision that betrothed her to another woman; but it had been her own decisions which had led Spencer to make that fateful one. At the heart of it all, Ashley knew that she would never have anyone else to blame but herself. It was a concept that could have only ever been written in a Shakespearean tragedy, and yet here she was living it.

And she wanted nothing more in that moment than to disappear; so out the door she went, walking with swift purpose past all of the Carlin's which were tending to the fallen woman. Her boots trudged across the ground heavily as her leather jacket swished from side to side, her hair bouncing relentlessly against it as she floated like an unstoppable force. She half noticed Spencer's teary gaze directed longingly at her retreating form, but she pushed that to the back of her mind. She pushed all of it back and continued on until she was far out of sight.

Spencer watched as her heart pounded in time with each of Ashley's heavy steps, the pounding traveling the course of her spine and igniting her nerves. That was it. She knew Ashley and she knew what it looked like for Ashley to give up, and that had been it. Tears flooded her in that moment as realization struck like a bolt of lightning. They were really over. She had broken Ashley's heart.

"Spencer," Jessie's voice brought her gaze back as Paula finished checking over her vitals. "You have to go after her!"

"I can't just leave you!" She cried out as she crouched down beside her fallen friend, extending her shaky hand to grace over sweaty black tendrils. "You could have died."

"But I didn't!" Jessie said as she stared into contemplative blue eyes that were flooded by tears. She could see the inner battle raging inside her friend as she slowly came to sit in an upright position. Spencer's loyalty was certainly admirable if at times foolish. "You have…"

"Let's just go home," Spencer stubbornly interrupted as she wiped her tears and helped Jessie to a standing position. "You aren't feeling well and I don't want to argue about it. Ashley and I…" She paused as she tightly closed her eyes, clenching and unclenching her jaw. "I don't want to argue about it. Tonight could have been much worse."

Knowing that arguing with her would be fruitless. Once Spencer had resolved herself to something, it was near impossible to sway her from it, hence their engagement. She would only have to bide her time and find out what exactly had occurred between the two lovers and go from there. Once she knew all of the facts, only then would she be able come up with a way to steer Spencer in Ashley's direction. For now however, she would allow her friend to calm her nerves by taking care of her and feeling needed. Standing on her own, Jessie allowed Spencer to help her to the car from their spot on the front porch.

"Bye Mom, Dad, everyone… I love you all. Thanks so much for everything and Merry Christmas," Spencer regrettably offered as they reached her car, opening the passenger side door as Jessie repeated the sentiment with a wave of her hand and a smile.

"Call me once you get settled in at home and let me know how she's doing," Paula demanded with stern eyes, approaching them to stand near the vehicle as Spencer shut the car door. "Be sure to keep an eye on her vitals. I know I've taught you how… Every hour or so. Don't hesitate to call me for anything."

"Yes Mom, of course," she replied with a hug as she then walked to her side of the car, offering one last smile through a tear stained face.

"Thank you Mrs. Carlin," Jessie said graciously upon rolling her window down once Spencer had started the car. "I'll talk to her," she mouthed with a wink in response to Paula's worried expression, which earned her a thankful nod and small smile.

* * *

><p>"Ashley?"<p>

Kyla's voice broke her from her concentrated gaze as she continued on her power walk, deciding to ignore her sister for the moment as the rain continued to cascade down around her, repelling off of her jacket. She was neither ready to explain her actions nor what had caused them; and Kyla would only have questions.

"Ashley?"

She had stormed out of the Carlin's and past them all without so much as a glance back and had continued her trek right on down the road, stopping for nothing or no one. Though she had texted her sister to come and get her, she had yet to stop somewhere and actually wait for her. Having been nearly forty minutes, she was quite surprised Kyla had been able to even locate her at all. She must have been at least a good three or four miles from the Carlin house and she had zigzagged the entire way.

"ASHLEY ELIZABETH!" Kyla's persistent voice bellowed from within the slowly moving vehicle beside her. "STOP RIGHT NOW!"

And stop she did, but she never lifted her head to meet the now angry gaze of her sister. She only continued to stare unwaveringly ahead as her soaked brown curls clung to her furrowed brows and crinkled forehead. Clenching her jaw, she turned towards her sister who had stopped the car directly beside her, though she never brought her eyes up to meet similar brown ones. She feared the interaction, as it would make the events of the night all too real and she was content for the moment to just live and regard them as only a bad dream. Instead, she mechanically moved around the front of the vehicle and hopped inside, shutting the door and sitting in one swift motion.

"I'm sorry about the leather," she said in a small voice, still avoiding eye contact as she buckled her seat belt. "I'll have it reupholstered."

With a warm chuckle, Kyla replied with a gentle hand moving to rest on her sister's cold and wet one. "That's not necessary Ash. Just tell me what happened."

"I really…" she paused as closed her eyes to ward off the awful headache that was beginning to form. "I just don't feel like talking right now."

"Okay…" she replied softly as she moved the car off of the shoulder and back onto the street. "Can I talk then?"

With a heavy sigh, Ashley only managed a small nod, somberly giving her permission to try her hardest to console the inconsolable.

"I don't know what happened and I won't until you tell me… and that's fine if you're not ready to talk about it; but I do know that whenever it seems like it's the end... like it's over…" She paused as she noticed Ashley look sadly up in her direction, waiting for her to continue. "It almost never is. Life always ends up giving us another chance to turn it around. You just can't give up before it comes."

Ashley shifted her jaw to the side to bite on the inside of her cheek as she averted her gaze out the window, her eyes feeling the burn from her earlier tears as rain water dripped from her hair. She was completely exhausted and she wasn't sure she had the energy to respond to Kyla's words. Instead, she remained quiet for a moment, allowing them to sink in and contemplating their truth.

"Kyla," her voice cracked as she tried to speak, her expression never changing from somber. "I don't know who you think I am… or what sort of Karma you think I have built up, but I'm pretty sure that I've used up all of the chances that I ever should have been given in life."

The car was quiet for only a few moments before Kyla suddenly became highly interested, scrunching her face and asking, "You believe in Karma?"

Ashley only averted her gaze to stare unbelievingly at her sister, wondering what on Earth that had to do with anything at that moment.

"I'm sorry," Kyla wasted no time in explaining her rather random question. "It's just… I've never heard you ever once mention anything even remotely spiritual. I thought you might've been one of those scientology weirdos."

"I don't even know what to say to that right now," she said with a confused, almost angered expression marring her features.

"So you're Budhist… huh," Kyla replied with an intrigued smile. She knew that this turn in conversation was probably boiling her sister's blood, but she figured that Ashley could use a distraction for the time being. Maybe once she let the events settle, she could return to thinking about them later with a much more settled, rational thought.

"No I'm not Budhist!" Ashley exclaimed with a steely expression as her eyebrows furrowed drastically. What the hell was wrong with her sister? "I'm not spiritual! I just think that, in life, you get what you give and I have given a lot of crap. I've hurt a lot of people and done a lot of stupid things. I just think that maybe I've reached my limit of chances."

"And who holds you to all of that?" She asked with reason. If Ashley was going to be all philosophical, then she could too. When she received nothing but silence as an answer, she continued on. "It's certainly not Spencer. That girl is going to love you for the rest of her life whether it's good for her or not… And as long as she loves you, then you will always have a chance."

"It's not that simple…" Her voice trailed off as she continued her stare out of the window. "Something happened tonight… I don't exactly know what it was but… We were there," she smiled a reminiscent smile as she brought her gaze back to her sister, tears forming once more. "We were almost there! I said how I felt and apologized… and I could see it in her eyes. She was relieved! She forgave me! We were a second away from… from fixing us and then," she paused to snap her fingers, the lone sound echoing through the tiny sports car. "Just like that, she was back to reality and pulling away from me. Jessie got sick or something and… and just like the woman that she is, the woman I love, she did the morally right thing and went to her fiancée."

"Ash…"

"No Kyla, don't okay?" Ashley interrupted as she adamantly wiped at her tears, the ones betraying her as she fought hard to compose herself. "There is nothing between us now, no more lies or secrets… everything is out in the open, and she still walked away from me. I mean… she wouldn't be the Spencer that I'm in love with if she didn't try to make things work with someone she had promised something to. I get it. It's in her nature to always try to do the right thing..."

"She promised herself to you…"

"The difference is," Ashley reasoned as her composure leveled out, rationality becoming part of the equation. "I broke the first promise. In fact I broke several promises… I suddenly became someone she did not agree to spend her life with. I don't blame her for leaving me; and now I don't think I can get her to come back."

"Ashley, stop playing the martyr," Kyla firmly demanded as she turned towards her sister, desperately needing to hit this point home. "You both screwed up and did things that led you here. It's not you or her, but the _two_ of you. You are both in this relationship and I need you to stop blaming yourself long enough to realize that everything has a way of coming around full circle. You just have to not give up before it does. I'm sure she's confused right now. I'm sure that deep down she knows exactly what she wants… And we all know it's you… She just doesn't know how to admit it."

"And what if she doesn't admit it?"

"Ash…"

"No! Kyla, it is a possibility," Ashley insisted as they came to a stop at her loft. "She could continue on and marry Jessie… then what?"

"I have no clue," Kyla softly admitted as she stared straight ahead, unable to say it to her sister's face.

"I just can't wait around and get my hopes up only for that to be the outcome. I just can't!" She replied with a fist pump as more tears sprang to her eyes. "I honestly don't know what to do, but I feel like I should just accept it all."

"Ashley, I still feel like there is something going on with them that we're not seeing… something… I don't know; but I do know for a fact that they are _not_ in-love with each other," she said with conviction as she racked her brain for the possible answer. "Spencer does not love Jessie; she loves you! You just need to hang in there. We need to find out what's going on."

"Maybe I don't want to know Kyla…" Ashley stated softly, almost afraid to admit it. "I don't want to know what matters more to her than me."

* * *

><p>"Spencer, I am fine," Jessie mumbled with irritation as the thermometer penetrated her lips. The phrase had been on repeat from her mouth for the past two hours and she was becoming quite sick of saying it.<p>

Since arriving back at Spencer's house, she had been fussed over and nursed like a dying child; and she wasn't quite comfortable with being reduced to that quite yet. Not only had Spencer insisted on running her a bath and making her soup, she had been frantically monitoring the woman's vitals as though the entire world depended on it, making tea, and adjusting the home's thermostat.

"I just need you to keep your mouth closed," Spencer said softly as she waited for the temperature read out, her palm lightly gracing over Jessie's forehead. "It affects the outcome if you don't."

She was quite aware that she was being a tad bit too fussy over her friend; however, she had no clue what else to do with herself. Afraid that her thoughts would linger to undesirable locations if she stopped worrying about Jessie for even a second, she just kept on finding more and more things to do for her. She just needed to keep herself busy long enough to bury the events of the evening and not think of how Ashley's retreating form had looked.

And what an evening it had been. It had gone from a normal-esque family get together to a Nicholas Sparks novel all in the span of an hour or so.

Ashley had said everything she had needed to hear. She had been so beautiful and perfect in that moment, her love shining through dark eyes as she voiced and gave way to the elephant that had been haunting her. It had been everything that Spencer had dreamed of for months on end. They had been so close to where they both desperately wanted to be and yet fate had stolen the last laugh.

Sure, Jessie had pleaded with her to go after the one who held her heart, but somehow guilt had manifested itself within. She had been so terrified in that moment of coming so close to losing her best friend that she had resolved herself to making the hard decision. She let Ashley walk away until another day in time, one which she hoped wouldn't be too far off in the distance… one in which her friend would be healthy and she could beg and plead with Ashley for one last chance. It would be a day when no one would need to cry.

A soft tear escaped her eye and slid its way down her cheek, pooling itself at the base of her jaw. A moment passed as she heard the beeping of the thermometer signaling it had finished its task. Pulling it from her friend's mouth, she received a sigh of relief in return which caused her to smirk as she read it off.

"Ninety-Eight point one…" Spencer said as she pressed the button to turn it off and log the temperature on her small tablet of paper. It was probably completely unnecessary, but if anything should happen, she wanted to be able to give the doctors all of the facts and information she could.

"See Spence… I'm fine," Jessie chided as she turned to rest her feet on the floor, fully intending to get up from the couch and go into the kitchen. She had become quite thirsty while holding the thing in her mouth and she was never fond of the herbal tea which Spencer had insisted on making. She frowned at the glass perched on the coffee table as she stood to her feet.

"Where are you going?" She asked with surprise and a little apprehension as she watched her pajama clad friend begin to retreat. She was mildly concerned as the woman's complexion had yet to return to its normal color since the incident at her parents'; and she was looking quite pale.

"I need a Mountain Dew…" She replied with a small smile as she moved in the direction of the kitchen, finding it a bit amusing how motherly Spencer was being. "Not that I don't enjoy your tea… but I am parched."

"You hate it don't you?"

"No." She paused her walk as she turned to face her friend. "What I hate is that you're here fussing over me when you should be somewhere else… possibly talking with _someone_ else."

Spencer's jaw hung slightly open as her breath hitched only the tiniest bit. Though her name hadn't been mentioned, it might as well have for the reaction inside of her had been the same. Her stomach did its impressive attempt at impersonating an Olympic gymnast, flipping in the most uncomfortable of ways. Her eyes that had momentarily glazed over snapped up in the direction of her friend as a frown marred her features.

"Jessie… We talked already," her voice all but cracked as she looked down again to her hands. "She said it…"

"She said… what?" Jessie prompted as the vague statement hadn't quite registered.

"She knew… and she's sorry," her words came between choked sobs as she fell to a sitting position on the couch, her hands coming up to wipe at her eyes. "She said everything … Everything I wanted to hear… God, I love her so completely."

Jessie nodded slowly in contemplation before abandoning her trek to the kitchen and moving around the coffee table to settle in beside her friend. Her hand went around trembling shoulders as she pulled Spencer into her for a comforting hug. She wasn't sure whether the tears were the kind that indicated relief or regret; but she imagined they held a bit of both.

"Shhh…" Jessie breathed out as her hand ran in soothing circles. She couldn't count on one hand the number of times they'd been in this position. She only wished for Spencer's sake that this would be one of the last. "Just tell me what happened, Sweetie."

"We kissed…" She said as her head rose and she managed to wipe her tears and gain a bit of composure. "It was so incredible at first… and then I couldn't help but think of how screwed up everything was. I cried… I just felt so scared of being with her like that. Like I would let her back in like that and she would leave me again… But that's not even the issue now," she finished as she once again averted her gaze to her hands, wringing them to wipe them of the moisture her tears had brought. "She apologized for leaving me and hurting me and everything! I could tell from the look in her eyes that she meant it… and for a moment I felt myself returning to her in every possible way. It felt like that apology and acknowledgment had healed everything inside of me that was broken. She was my Ashley again; and I was hers."

"And I ruined it…"

"No!" Spencer declared as she wasted no time in turning to meet her friend's gaze. "What happened was not your fault. It was nowhere near your fault."

"I didn't eat like I should have at dinner," Jessie shook her head as she thought back on it. "If I had finished my plate, I wouldn't have felt dizzy like that. And you and Ashley could've…"

"No," Spencer interrupted as she too shook her head, only more determinedly. "Ashley and I can't work things out just yet because you and I still need to go through with it. I am not going to just sit by and selfishly be with her when you need treatment. I can't do that to you. You can't afford it on your own and that damned studio's insurance refuses to give you what you deserve."

"But you and Ashley could be okay, Spencer," she argued as she sat back to recline in the couch more comfortably. "This is the only thing in your way now."

"And I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to you, not when we're so close to getting you better. You're so lucky that they caught it as early as they did or we wouldn't have even been able to have waited this long," She paused to run her hand over her friend's knee. "I can't let you go without it, not when I can do something. I need you in my life, Jessie. You've been there for me through so much."

"And what about you and Ashley?" She whispered as her own eyes teared up at the thought of how her lymphoma was ruining her best friend's life.

Spencer looked down with a sigh as tears trickled down her cheeks. "I don't know. But I can't live my life with Ashley knowing that I could've helped you. It would eat away at me and you know that."

"Okay…" She reluctantly agreed as she pulled Spencer into a comforting embrace, cradling her head and running her fingers through soft blonde locks. "Okay, Spencer."

She would agree for now just to put her friend's mind at ease; but she would secretly be carrying out a plan that she had been contemplating for a few days now, ever since the box containing their wedding invitations had arrived. Spencer had busied herself for hours upon hours filling them out and sealing them up; and for all she'd known, she had taken the last of them to the post office just yesterday. However, one had escaped her. Thinking of her plan and the elusive invitation she had carefully hidden away, Jessie glanced down to notice that Spencer had fallen asleep. Smiling, she shifted out from under her, gently laying her flat on the couch as she stood up. Quietly, she crossed the living room in the direction of the den that flanked the back of the house. She took a few steps down into the sublevel room and switched on the light.

As she made her way over to the roll-top desk that she'd never seen Spencer use, she lifted the top, rolling it around on its track until the desktop was revealed. Reaching her hand to slide the empty business card box out of the way, she lifted her hand palm up to feel on the underneath side of a tiny shelf for the edge with her fingertips. In one swift motion, she pulled the tape lose and extracted the invitation from the small space. Removing it from the envelope, she sat down on the office chair and retrieved a pen from the middle desk drawer. Smiling at her plan, she began to scrawl across the expanse of the four by six card stock a vague yet promising message.

In no time at all she had licked the envelope and sealed it shut, setting her plan into motion. Relaxing back in satisfaction, she thought of Spencer and all she had done for her. Glancing upon the envelope in her hands, she knew that this would be the only way to repay her. This was the least she could do, especially if Spencer wouldn't do it for herself. Flipping it around and retrieving a post-it from the desk drawer, she copied down its address to the envelope.

The address of none other than Ashley Davies.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **

**This chapter was by far my least favorite, and possibly the shortest; but it was in my plans all along. I have the remainder of this story maped out chapter by chapter and there are six more with an Epilogue. My goal is to finish by the summer. **

**Any guesses on how it's going to go? **

**I appreciate all of your feedback and interest in my story. I have several others in the works and will begin a new one upon the completion of this one. Right now I'm working on a full-legnth murder/mystery, a five or so chapter comedy with an idea for its sequel, another Tragedy/Drama dealing with war, and a typical light-hearted Spashley high school one with an idea for a sequel.**

**Let me know if you have any suggestions for story-lines or genres. I'm always up for a challenge.**

**Thanks again!  
><strong>


	19. Tell Me Again, This Isn't the End

**Chapter Nineteen**

She awoke abruptly and undesirably, her eyes slowly opening as a displeased groan made its way from her lips, her hand reaching up in an attempt to push the glaring light from her eyes. Dark eyebrows scrunched in annoyance as she battled the light to remain asleep. It was vastly uncomfortable, the early morning sun shining its way directly in through her patio door and bathing the room in an unwelcome glow. She would definitely be buying dark drapery as some point, sooner rather than later.

Turning her head away from the patio to shield herself from the light and shifting onto her stomach, she buried her face in the cool comforts of her charcoal gray pillow as her brown unruly curls bounced in response. Her left hand shot up to the pillow beside her and wasted no time in dragging it across the sheet to sling it over her head, granting it the task of blocking out the light for a little bit longer. Her toned arm then stretched down to pull the sheet up and over her bare shoulders, wanting to shield the rest of her body as she lied there in a white tank and black boy shorts. Burrowing further into the comforts of her large bed, she allowed a moment of silence to pass before sighing in contentment and drifting off again.

It was a short lived moment however, as her cell phone's programed ring, a standard telephone ring rather than a song of her choosing, blared loudly, once again cutting through the silence and startling her from her restful state. Her body jolted a bit as her head rose, the pillow rising along with it and she turned towards her right. Turning her wrist over, she glanced groggily upon the dials of her wristwatch.

_7:26 AM._

It was dreadfully early and she could feel herself internally cursing whoever was on the other end of the line. Didn't they know that musicians and most creative people alike had problems falling asleep at a decent hour? 7:26 was just enough time for her to have received around four hours of actual sleep. It was then that she realized that her phone must have been the thing to have awoken her initially. She could vaguely remember in her dream hearing a sound which was eerily similar to her ringtone. She must have just been too far off in dreamland to notice; and when she had finally awakened, the call had ended.

With an exaggerated groan of displeasure, she shifted towards her night stand on the side opposite to her, the pillow returning softly to the bed as she twisted in the sheet and increasingly became entangled. She would never understand why she chose the side of the bed that she didn't sleep on to keep her night stand. This only made it more difficult to retrieve things like cell phones and Tylenol; but she guessed it was just out of habit. When she was married, her side of the bed never had a nightstand next to it for the simple reason that she had almost nothing to keep on or in one. If she had ever needed to be up early, she simply woke up with her wife who had always been an early riser and whose nightstand housed their alarm clock.

Stretching her body lengthwise across the queen sized bed, she could feel the pull of the sheets as they tightly wrapped in a helix around her. She was mere inches away from reaching the blaring phone as her thin fingers stretched to their limits, her fingertips lightly grazing the object and shoving it even farther away. She hung her head low in defeat, resting her forehead against the cool sheets. Now she would have to move completely. Grunting in frustration, she gave in and reluctantly surged forward, pulling the sheets along with her. This brought her well within reach of the offending object and she was now slightly angered at having to remove herself from her comfortable cocoon.

Pulling the phone up to her ear and pressing the Talk button, she unenthusiastically answered with a monastic, "Yeah?"

"Ashley?" Her sister's cheery voice echoed from her device as she winced and pulled it away from her ear.

"Well, who else would it be?" She growled in annoyance as she rolled her eyes and began to disentangle herself from the sheets. "Elvis Presley?"

"Haha, you're a funny one," Kyla replied with a smile as she had expected this sort of short and snappy greeting from her sister who was never a morning person, nor was she welcoming as of late. "I've been calling you non-stop for the last twenty minutes, Ash."

"Kyla, you do know that it's like so early I don't even think the roosters have crowed yet, right?" Ashley bit back as she slowly came to a sitting position on the side of her bed next to the night stand as she faced the patio, blinking and squinting as the sun's rays filtered in. She wasted no time in bringing her unoccupied hand up to wipe the sleep from her eyes and prepare herself for the day as there was no way she'd be able to return to sleep now. With a massive yawn, she stretched out her legs and rolled her ankles around, popping and loosening them as her thigh muscles twitched to life.

"Ash… they don't have roosters in LA," she replied with a smirk, knowing it would only serve to irritate her sister even more.

"What do you need anyway?" She angrily harped into the receiver as she rose to her feet, choosing to ignore her sister's retort.

"Gosh, I haven't talked to you for over two weeks and this is the response I get… Nice to hear from you too, dear sister of mine," Kyla said with a mock hurtful tone as she waited with an expectant smile, knowing her sister would apologize now.

Sighing, Ashley made her way for the bathroom and immediately backtracked on her words, "I'm sorry Ky… How's Baltimore?"

"It's cold and snowy… and I'm quite ready to return to LA, which is…"

At that exact moment, Ashley crossed in front of a window as she reached the bathroom door, the sun immediately assaulting her eyes as she groaned out, "It's… sunny."

"I told you to buy curtains Ash…" She laughed as she could tell from the groan and response that Ashley was baring the consequences of early morning in an extremely well-lit apartment.

"Not that I don't enjoy hearing your cheerful voice and being blinded at seven-thirty in the morning, but what couldn't wait for you to call me at say… four PM?" Her husky voice asked as she began her morning ritual of wrangling her wild hair into a comfortably loose bun, switching her phone to speaker mode and resting it on the sink.

"It's the twelfth…"

No response.

"You know… My flight home is today…"

"Oh right, yeah um…" She trailed off, unsure of what exactly she was expected to do about it. "I'll send a car… to the airport. Is that alright? Wait…" She paused to chew on the side of her mouth, furrowing her dark brows as her mind searched for the correct course of action. "How do you do something like? Do you just… call the car place and say 'Hey, I need a car at the airport at X time' and they show up?"

Chuckling softly, Kyla replied, "Don't worry about it Ash; it's already taken care of. I only called to see how you were and because I thought my only sister would like to know how I am too. I should've known you would forget. Hell, if I didn't call you every single day of your life would you ever know what was going on? I mean… how did you even make it two weeks on your own?"

"Peacefully…" Ashley answered with a thinly satisfied smile as she thought back on her little vacation from life and all of the awful things in it.

"Wait… you didn't even leave the apartment did you?" Kyla asked almost sadly as she thought of the events that had transpired the night before she had left; and knowing her reclusive sister, she knew she had retreated into herself... again. "For two weeks!"

"Why would I need to?" She stubbornly asked as she exited the bathroom and pulled on a pair of sweat pants that had been lying in a heap on the floor for most of those two weeks.

"Because Ash! You are a human being and it is not healthy for a human being to lock their self up in an apartment and block out everything around them."

"I've been writing," she said softly, almost as though that would justify her reclusive actions in Kyla's eyes.

"And I don't doubt that they're amazing," she replied in reference to her sister's songs as she wished in hindsight that she had just canceled her trip and stayed with her sister. "But I worry about you. I know that what happened sucked so much- It's all been really shitty for you, and I wish things were different, but you can't just check out like this. Because once you pull away from everything, it will be so much harder to find your way back."

"Are you done?" Ashley asked flatly and then continuing without allowing her sister to answer. "I haven't been pulling away, Kyla… I just took a much needed restful break from everything to work on my music. I do have an album to release at some point and that is what I'm focusing on."

Though she had said it, she wasn't sure she believed it much, knowing full well that she had at least retreated to hide in the beginning, following the aftermath of the Carlin family Christmas. It had just sort of morphed itself into a two week long stay-in. She would stay up at all hours of the night, rigorously pouring herself into her most recent batch of songs, only to fall asleep wherever she had found herself at that moment. Sometimes she would fall asleep on the couch after hours of working through lyrics and other times, face down on the floor after pushing herself through multiple push-ups and/or crunches. The physical action of working out had always seemed to help her gain a clear mind and refocus her sights on what was truly important; during the past couple of weeks it had really helped her to accept certain things about her life at that moment, things that she couldn't change. She was finally able to understand her wife's actions, though she didn't really agree with them, but she was at a place where she felt she could make peace with it all and possibly move on someday. She had given it a lot of thought and maybe, just maybe the tide was turning.

"So if you're not hiding away, then you would have no problems with say… going out for a cup of coffee and possibly picking up our mail from the P.O. Box for me? Maybe even answer a few fan letters?" Kyla asked with an air of skepticism. She wasn't quite sure whether to believe that her sister was merely working on an album or if she was in fact hiding away and wallowing in her thoughts in sheer Ashley Davies fashion, but should give her the benefit of the doubt.

"I have no problem with that at all," Ashley said in a slightly forced tone of nonchalance. "In fact, I have an autographed vinyl first pressing of my last album to give to this really nice girl at the coffee shop."

That was a bit of a lie however, only mentioned to further persuade her sister that she had made plans to leave of her own free will. The album she was actually referring to was a part of her own personal collection and contained no aforementioned signature, one which she would then be adding in glorious silver _Sharpie_ ink in an attempt at keeping herself honest.

"You're… serious?" Kyla then asked as she mulled over the possibility in her head. Surely Ashley wasn't just making that up.

"As a heart attack… However, I wasn't planning on going this early… But thanks to you, I'm already up and at 'em," she finished as she grasped her electric toothbrush, applying a generous amount of _Colgate Optic-White_ and switching it to a low hum.

"Well seeing as how your mouth will be occupied for the next few minutes," Kyla smirked, her voice a bit louder as she heard what she'd come to know as her sister's toothbrush. It wasn't uncommon for Ashley to go about her day while on the phone with her, sometimes ignoring her altogether, and Kyla would usually take those opportunities to discuss things that she knew her sister would object to; that way, she was able to get it all out before Ashley had the chance to interrupt. "I received an email a few days ago from the label…"

Ashley only rolled her eyes as she plunged her toothbrush to the far reaches of her mouth, scrubbing away at her molars.

"Apparently they want you to do a concept album, one which could have the potential to be a movie soundtrack," Kyla winced, waiting for the reaction which would surely come. "And they are slating it for a July release. I've also been informed that they are talking with people from Ke$ha and Rihanna about the possibility of them being featured on the album's singles…" She had to pause at that moment to specifically swallow the foul taste in her mouth as she knew that her sister's music was far more sophisticated and deserved much more regard than that. She just knew that it was just their way of making Ashley pay for her outburst during the meeting weeks before. "They also are planning a big summer tour with them in promotion for the album and the possible movie. From what I gathered it's about a love triangle… between the three of you."

Ashley wasn't sure, but she could have sworn that she had upchucked into her mouth before dropping her toothbrush into the porcelain sink, the vibrations from it violently propelling it around and clanking it against the drain. She quickly fumbled around until she had successfully retrieved it, halting all further noise and leaning against the vanity, praying that she had misheard.

_What the hell did Kyla just say? _

"Um sorwy Ky, can you wepeat that lasth pawt?" She mumbled through a mouthful of toothpaste as she felt her heart begin to sink into her stomach, a stomach which was turning at the thought of what her ears had possibly heard.

Kyla swallowed as she prepared herself to deliver the news again. "The story they have in mind for the concept part of the album is a love triangle, and since they are the two hottest- and I use that term very loosely- female stars on the rise right now, they want you to break them into your fan base with a joint tour."

Spitting her toothpaste and whatever else her stomach had rejected into the sink, Ashley immediately rinsed her mouth of the disgusting taste, grimacing in horror as she wiped at her tongue with a towel. As an artist who took her music very seriously and felt that it was a mere extension of her soul, she was completely offended that they would have her work with such shallow mainstream poppy bimbos who lip sync any track that would have them dancing around in next to nothing. She considered herself an artist, a musician, and she quite frankly was appalled that they would even suggest that she associate herself and her music with these singers-for-hire.

"I don't think that my fans would appreciate that very much. Please, tell me I can get out of this," Ashley demanded with uncertainty as she exited the bathroom, switching the phone back to handheld as she made her way through the master suite.

"Well, I took the liberty of contacting James," Kyla answered proudly as she spoke of their family attorney, smiling as she thought of how adorable he looked in a suit and tie. "And it turns out that they included in your contract this promotional clause that basically says that they are within their rights as a label to partner established artists up with new ones to help promote them in things like featured spots on albums and tours…" She paused as she could hear Ashley sigh loudly in annoyance. "But it also turns out that you are well within your rights to pick and choose which artists you shall team up with. Meaning, they can't force them on you; you have to agree to it first. They just thought they were being smooth in the way they had worded it, they figured you wouldn't read it correctly and you would then think that you had to comply."

"Well that's a relief," Ashley replied with a sigh as she fished through her closet for a comfortable outfit to wear, deciding on acid washed skinny jeans and a black and red Ramones t-shirt. "Thanks Ky… you always have my back you know that?"

"Well," she began with a dismissal of her compliment. "I just knew that you would die before allowing their plans to take shape, and I figured that I couldn't live with that on my conscience. Plus, I'd be without a job so…"

"Right," Ashley nodded with a chuckle as she put the phone once again on speaker, dropping it to the bed to free her hands for the task of getting dressed.

"But anyway... I should be landing in LA around 4:45 PM local time… I do have a layover in Seattle for about a two hours though," she said with disdain as she wondered why she could never get lucky enough to book a direct flight herself; it seemed she never had that problem when booking one for Ashley. "You think that will give you enough time to get out and join the land of the living before making me dinner?"

"Ky, you know that I can barely work a microwave," Ashley replied with a smile as she entered the kitchen, opening the refrigerator and grabbing a bottle of water. She then crossed over to the far cabinet, the one that housed all of her vitamins and supplements, grabbing the three that had been recommended to her by her doctor. Apparently, losing a kidney requires one to maintain a good balance of vitamins and calcium and after neglecting herself during the months leading up to their divorce, she had decided to get back on track with taking them daily.

Swallowing the three at once, she tipped her head back to allow them an easy passage down her throat as she heard her sister reply, "Well then take-out should work for you. I imagine you've memorized some menus these past two weeks."

"Of course," she replied, playing into her sister's joke a bit before crossing over to her living room. "But I'll let you decided this time."

"Why thank you," she said with an air of sarcasm as a moment of silence passed between the two.

Ashley took this time to reach down under her coffee table, pulling her favorite biker boots out and slipping them on and over the bottoms of her pants, stomping her heels against the floor to better adjust them. She then noticed several other pairs of shoes strung about underneath, staring up at her as she thought back on how much it had always aggravated Spencer when an assortment of her shoes would accumulate under their table. A sigh left her lips as she realized how much she even missed the odd things, like how her wife would nag at her about putting them in the closet by the front door instead, but being absent minded about the little things, she just never remembered to.

"Well I should get going," Kyla said breaking the silence. "My flight leaves in like two hours and I still haven't packed yet." She then chuckled at her own procrastinating tendencies.

Ashley allowed herself to chuckle back, a welcome interference of her momentary trip down memory lane. Shaking herself back into gear, she stood on her now boot-clad feet and proceeded to adjust her aviator sunglasses on her face while grabbing her wallet from the table. Throwing her smooth leather jacket over her shoulders, she made her way towards the front door.

"Oh… and please don't forget the post office," Kyla added as she heard what she assumed was her sister's apartment door slam shut. "I'm sure that our box is just waiting to explode from all of the mail that has built up during your self-imposed confinement."

"I'll be sure to stop by on my way home," Ashley answered with a roll of her eyes at her sister's dramatic statement, smiling at how much she'd actually enjoyed their conversation that morning. "It is on East 2nd Street right?"

"How is it that you are almost thirty," Ashley listened to her begin, cringing as the numerical form of her age was uttered. "And you aren't sure where the post office is?"

"Because I have you," she answered, as a matter fact as she turned down the hall and entered her building's elevator, pressing the button simply labeled 'G'.

"Well, thank God for that," Kyla replied sarcastically as they ended their call.

She briefly wondered if Ashley's mood was indeed as good as it had seemed during that phone call. It was never easy to tell if her sister was simply playing it up for appearances so that the people around her would cease their worrying, or if she was in fact being sincere. She was never certain if it was all just an act or not, as Ashley was quite good at acting. Kyla then wondered with a small chuckle if maybe her sister had chosen the wrong profession.

* * *

><p>Her lips met the warm, soothing liquid as she slightly tilted her tall caramel macchiato to take her first drink of a much needed caffeine-filled delight. She could instantly feel herself warming up against a cool January breeze that blew against her as she exited the corner coffee shop, the door slamming a bit as a faint jingle of its bell sounded to alert that someone had either entered or exited. Being a nice sunny day paired up with a cool winter breeze, the temperature wasn't too cold or hot at a modest 54 degrees. It was much colder than she'd always been accustomed to, but at this time of year, it was to be expected. Her booted foot stepped down from the stoop of the shop as she reached the sidewalk, side-stepping her way around a group of teenagers with similar intentions as they entered the small shop.<p>

She swallowed more of her morning boost as she made her way in the direction of the nearest post office, the one housing the P.O. Box which collected all of her and her sister's mail. Being a rather famous musician, it was much advised that she receive all of her mail at a public location as to avoid the curious and eager few who would find themselves parking outside of her home in the hopes of attracting her attention for a brief fleeting moment. It wasn't that she wanted to keep herself distanced from her fans in any way; it was more along the lines of avoiding the creepy fans whose obsessions had the potential to teeter into stalking tendencies.

In essence, she did not wish to become the next John Lennon.

Her brisk walk picked up as she pulled her jacket more tightly together in the front, wishing to block out the offending breeze as it swirled through the city. Though she was blocking it out, she was glad for the breeze as its cool presence chilled her and reminded her that she wasn't just the ghost that had been hiding out in the confines of her apartment for the past two weeks. It let her know that she was alive and that she had survived her heartbreak yet again. For a while, it had seemed to her that she would inevitably succumb to it all and her legs would buckle, causing her to come crashing down to her knees where she would be forced to either die or crawl around for the remainder of her lonely life. She had accepted this, what she had deemed the natural course of her life; yet somehow neither of those scenarios had taken shape. She had managed to brave the storm once again and come out standing tall… once again.

Years ago when everything in her life had been together and perfect, if someone were to have asked her if she would be able to lose it all and go on living, she would have immediately shook her head in their face. She would have honestly told them that the only thing that would await her in that instance would be imminent doom, as losing her daughter and her wife would surely kill her. It was only surprising to her that she was there, in that moment, walking down the sidewalk weeks after her divorce had finalized and over a year after her daughter's death. However, whether she remained intact was another story altogether and as she inhaled deeply upon swallowing the last gulp of her warm comfort, she could very distinctly feel the air moving through the gaping hole in her chest. Her gaze shifted downward a bit as she hopelessly reasoned that nothing would be able to fill that particular void. Steeling her jaw, she deposited her empty coffee cup into one of the city's public waste bins as she turned the corner, swiftly keeping her pace as she wished for her stroll to just be over and done with.

It was then that her thoughts drifted back to Spencer and their last encounter. The way her hands had felt as they slid their way across her body… The way Spencer had all too willingly allowed her legs to engulf her, pulling her in further… The way their hot tongues had dueled with one another, seeking penance for mistakes of the past… The way they had so easily fallen back into each other, perfectly… The way her apology had reignited the fire in those somber blue eyes… It had all played on a loop in her mind, possessively owning her thoughts for the past two weeks; however, no matter how hard or how much she thought about it, she could never understand the ending of that encounter. In what book based in logic and reasoning would have a moment like that end with them once again walking away from each other? It had completely gone against everything she had ever understood about love and relationships. Every movie and book she had ever enjoyed that had its characters find their way back to each other had ended happily after an earth-shattering moment such as that one. Wasn't that the climactic point in their story? Shouldn't they have rode off into the sunset after that kiss and apology? It just didn't add up for some reason; the equation had been flawed. She figured that was what set her life apart from the lives in the movies or books. They were fiction and reality just didn't follow the same set of laws.

At that moment, she had never hated Nicholas Sparks movies more, or Spencer for that matter for making her watch them and teaching her to believe in happy endings, the happy endings that were nowhere to be found. They were just delusions for the fools that had yet to experience heartbreaking loss and she was angry with herself for falling into their trap. But alas, she shook herself of that thought as she knew that she would jump at the chance to live her life with them again in an instant- every moment of joy and sorrow- she would do it all again even if it meant that she would feel even worse when it was all said and done than she did at that moment, if that were at all possible. It had all been worth the pain.

As she continued making her way down the busy sidewalk maneuvering in between bodies of people just beginning their work days, the traffic lights switched causing them all to halt in their paths and wait for the next signal to cross the ever busy intersection. She momentarily bounced on the heels of her feet as an outward reflection of her impatience and nerves, her hands firmly in place deep within the pockets of her jacket as she averted her gaze from person to person, noticing several people in suits and ties, skirts and jeans. People of all walks and occupations were gathered on the street corner in the only act that brought them all to common ground, the act of getting somewhere and being somebody. It was LA after all, and everyone was constantly striving for stardom and success in whatever field they felt passionately about.

Her eyes continued to take in the various people chatting on their phones and to each other before something, or rather someone, caught the corner of her eye through a storeroom window, causing all her movements to still and her throat to go uncomfortably dry. Not quite sure if it had been real or merely her imagination playing a cruel trick on her, she hesitated a moment before shifting her body and turning her gaze in the direction of the shop. Their eyes immediately locked onto each other in a mixture of surprise and anxiety; neither one having the courage or the willpower to look away. It was almost as though time had frozen and forced them to really see each other in the clear light of day- to see what was right in front of them staring them in the face.

Stunned for the moment, her mouth hung open slightly before she managed to swallow the lump in her throat as her eyes curiously broke the gaze to focus on the pearly-white letters ornately etched into the glass of the shop's window: _Wilshire __Bridal__ & Tuxedo_. As her eyes returned to the vision displayed before her, allowing them a moment to rake over the figure, it was then that she realized Spencer was standing in a floor-length strapless white gown, her golden hair falling in waves around her shoulders as her bronze skin contrasted perfectly against the white fabric of the dress. Though it hurt to see, Ashley could not deny how utterly breathtaking she was at that moment, pulling her aviators from her face to take in the vision completely.

Inside the shop, Spencer stood frozenly still, her shock radiating off of her in waves as a woman fumbled with the back of the gown, measuring and tucking the fabric in order to make note of the required adjustments to allow for a perfect fit. She could feel her heart stop all movement as her eyes met Ashley's for the first time through the window. It had begun pounding incessantly the moment she had noticed the woman standing impatiently on the corner of the street amongst the people, and she had prayed that maybe it wasn't her or at the very least that she would just continue walking and neither would be faced with the awkward moment that they were in, staring at each other through the window as pained brown eyes refocused on sorrowful blue ones. She could feel the tears threatening to form as she watched Ashley's eyes move over the letters on the storeroom window, taking in the shop's name and then her relating appearance.

Spencer's eyes closed in an attempt to bite back the tears and regain her senses before immediately reopening and trying desperately to relay just how sorry she was. She could feel her hands begin to shake at her sides as her heart sank a bit further at the look in the eyes before her. Of all of the days that Ashley could have chosen to uncharacteristically wake up early and go for a random stroll through the city, it had to be this one. And of all of the street corners for her to have gotten stuck at a traffic light, it was the one with the shop that she was currently in trying on gowns. Call it fate or irony; either way, it was just as cruel.

Swallowing once again, Ashley's face hardened into a mixture of anger and sadness, her brow scrunching as she pursed her lips tightly together. She wasted no time in turning away just as the crowd of people began to cross the street, the signal having turned that moment. It was a vision that she knew she would never forget, but one that she would somehow force to the back of her mind. If their prior exchange hadn't done the trick, then seeing Spencer just then in a wedding gown looking every bit the beautiful bride had surely brought their impending nuptials to starling reality. One that Ashley was no longer able to ignore. Just as she watched Ashley turn away, she immediately rushed off of the small platform, leaving the bewildered seamstress behind as she made her way towards the shop's door. She could feel her heart racing, pounding violently in her chest as she yelled over her shoulder before exiting, "I'll be just one minute."

Stepping down from the shop's entrance, she frantically searched for the mess of brunette curls that accompanied her love, finding them only a few yards away as the crowd prevented her from crossing the street just yet. Grabbing two handfuls of gown on either side of her hips, she lifted the dress and moved with determination towards the halted woman.

"Ashley!" Spencer cried out as she made her way closer, unsure of what she was even planning to say if Ashley did in fact turn around and give her the chance. The only thing she knew was that she couldn't let her just walk away like that after their exchange. She needed to say something, to do something.

Ashley only closed her eyes in reluctance as she heard Spencer's voice ring out over the various sounds of downtown LA. Though she was angry and hurt and a lot of other things at that moment, she couldn't help but think that her voice was the most beautiful thing she could have heard just then.

"Ashley, please wait!"

Sighing, she turned hesitantly towards her, jaw clenched and steeling herself for the conversation ahead as she came face to face with an rather apologetic Spencer. The thing was, she was just so completely sick of apologies; they never seemed to change anything.

"What?" It had come out just as harshly as she had meant it to as they stood inches apart, people moving around them in every speed and direction.

Spencer had begun to speak, to answer Ashley back, but the words had gotten stuck in her throat as she took in the exhausted and defeated appearance of the woman before her, the woman she loved with her whole heart. The woman she had deeply hurt.

A moment of silence passed before Ashley's husky voice spoke once more, "So… you're still going through with it then?"

"Uh…" Her eyes momentarily shifted to her hands as she searched her mind for the answer, one which she didn't want to give. Nervously she brought her hand up to rub at her brow as she continued without making eye contact, "Yeah, umm…"

Ashley's expression changed to one of more curiosity as she waited for a moment, studying her love's body language and nervous expression, hands fidgeting and eyes rapidly blinking and focusing anywhere but on her. She could tell then and there that this wedding was something neither of them wanted, and she knew that Spencer had to fight everything in her to answer. She only wondered, if Spencer didn't want it and was having this hard of a time confirming it, then why was it even happening at all?

"Why?" She simply asked as her brow softened. For the moment she was able to push her anger and pain aside to focus on coaxing Spencer to be honest with her, to admit to her everything she was feeling.

"What?" Spencer answered with a question of her own; Ashley's having completely caught her off guard. Never once since she had agreed to marry Jessie had Ashley ever asked her that one small question, why.

"I guess after Christmas, I'm a bit confused. I know you love me…" she explained as she scratched the back of her head, all the while looking down towards her feet. Though she had been wondering the 'why' side of the situation the whole time, she was still uncertain if she would ever be ready to hear an actual answer. What if Spencer really did love Jessie?

"Ashley…" Spencer sighed as she felt her resolve and filter slowly fade away to nothing. Her mouth opened several times as she searched for the words to answer the simple question, the truth of her actions perched on the edge of her tongue waiting to be spilled from her lips. Her heart race picked up immediately and she could almost feel her nerves vibrating in her skin as she wondered if maybe it was time to just come clean. Ashley was there, right in front of her, and she could no longer pretend that she wasn't in-love with her. They both knew where that truth lay; so maybe there was no use in lying anymore. "I'm…"

But just as she was about to say the words she'd been fighting back for months, she could see the subtle shake of her love's head and hear reluctant words break through.

"No…" Ashley said as her eyes closed, her heart registering this moment as one that could break her even more. It was then that she decided that maybe ignorance was bliss, maybe knowing the reasons would do her more harm than any good. "You know what Spencer…"

As Ashley paused, Spencer felt her heart plummet to the depths of her stomach. She had finally worked up the courage to admit at the very least that she wasn't in-love with Jessie; however, it seemed her courage had come too late.

"I don't think I really want to know," Ashley continued as she looked back up into blue eyes with a sad smile. "You're doing what you feel you need to and no matter what you say, it will never be a good enough reason for me. So…" She paused as she turned away to face the direction she had intended to travel. "I'm just gonna go before either of us makes any more mistakes," she finished in soft raspy words as she spoke them over her shoulder, wasting no time in moving her legs to walk away from the stunned and speechless woman she would always love.

Watching Ashley cross the street and make her way in the opposite direction, Spencer could only stand rooted to the sidewalk, frozen in a mixture of shock and disbelief, her mind wasting no time in asking if that did in fact just happen, if Ashley had really just walked away in the exact moment she had begun to finally confess everything. She wasn't sure what had happened or shifted for her to finally feel as though she could tell Ashley the truth of it all, but she had been ready. The truth had been hanging on a thread from her lips and a second longer, she would have uttered it. And maybe it would have caused more bad than good, but at least Ashley would have known that she could never have been in-love with Jessie. All this time she had only been scared.

Though she could feel the burning tears trickle down her face, she could barely register that she was standing stock-still in a white gown and crying on a crowded street corner as person after person made their hurried way around her. It was as though all thought and feeling had escaped her to leave her feeling completely numb, her increased breathing causing her chest to violently rise and fall as her blurry eyes continued desperately to search through the crowd, hoping against all reason that they would find Ashley's face looking their way.

She could call it irony or cruelty or any number of things really, but when it came down to the truth of it all, she could only reason that she'd had it coming to her from the start. It was poetic justice in its simplest form. She had walked away from a marriage to a person she had sworn to stand beside through even the hardest of times, and no matter how much she tried within her mind to justify her actions and remind herself that they had hurt each other so much in the last year and that she was doing a good thing on some level in helping a direly ill friend, she could only swallow the lump in her throat as she knew she had made the wrong decision. She had run from her fears, conjuring up any reason she could find to excuse it; so, now she was left to reap the consequences and the possibility that maybe after it was all said and done, Ashley wanted nothing to do with her now. She had succeeded in pushing Ashley far enough away that she could never be hurt by her again, and now she wondered if it was even worth it in the end.

* * *

><p>Her key rattled in the door before she forcefully pushed it open, revealing her now gloomy apartment as she paused for a moment in the doorway. Though the day had started out bright and sunny for her, it had quickly turned to something else entirely, the sun seeing fit to finish the day hiding behind dreary rain clouds. She sighed almost indifferently as she thought of how fitting it was really, the clouds moving in moments after her encounter with Spencer in front of the corner shop of which she now decided to hate. If she didn't know any better, judging by the rain clouds, she would believe that the universe was finally sympathizing with her.<p>

Upon closing her heavy oak door, she made her way into her living room, rounding the coffee table to sit rather comfortably in the crack between two cushions as she deposited the array of mail onto the table in front of her in a vast spread, wondering if she should read through any of it. Her eyes moved from envelope to envelope as she registered each bill and letter addressed to her. She immediately swept aside those bearing her sister's name as she did know a thing about privacy, her fingers separating them into two distinct piles as she weeded through. It was an awfully thick stack of mail, her eyes rolling as she thought of the reason; she had neglected to check the box for two weeks straight, and with her being who she was, it was bound to fill up rather quickly.

Deciding to start with what looked to be an energy bill, she peeled back the corner, dragging her thin finger along the edge as it tore open. She then fished out the contents and glanced upon it with moderate disinterest, chucking it aside once her eyes had skimmed over the words and read all she had wanted to. Proceeding with the same disinterest, she then opened several more pieces of mail, one right after the other as her discarded pile of opened envelopes and folded paper grew, each one requesting her to send more money for their services. She only arched her eyebrow as she knew that Kyla would take care of them for her. It was what she paid her for after all.

Once her initial stack of unopened ones began to dwindle, she found herself gazing upon several smaller envelopes, ones which looked much more in the shape of personal letters- ones she knew were specifically fan letters. Her fingers hesitated over them for a moment before she sighed heavily and hung her head in exhaustion. She was neither interested nor did she feel like she possessed the energy to read through the several letters that would most likely go on and on, telling her how great she was. She definitely didn't feel that great at that moment and she wished to ignore the compliments from the various people that knew nothing of her life. If she was so great, then why was she sitting there alone?

Scrunching her brows and swallowing back her exhaustion, she swept those aside into a pile of their own, one by one checking the return addresses to make sure they belonged in the fan mail pile. There weren't many this time around, but there were enough to make her smile the tiniest bit as she thought of how her music had somehow managed to have an impact on people's lives. It was evidently enough of one to warrant the need for them to write to her, and she couldn't imagine ever experiencing that herself. She'd certainly never felt the urge to write to any of her favorite musicians before, telling them how much they'd affected her or how she enjoyed their music. The idea of fan mail was such a foreign concept to her and no matter how many letters she had read, she would still never quite understand how it was that her music could mean that much to anyone but her. It was something she only made because it was bursting to escape from her. The fact that she made a living from it and had several people declare themselves her fan club was only an added bonus.

As she came to last envelope, she frowned in confusion as she noticed how much smaller it was than any of the others thus far. Turned over on its front, she registered that it wasn't in the traditional size of a bill or a letter, but much squarer in fact and quite a bit smaller. She guessed that it was only about four by five inches and wondered what it could possibly be as she noticed it was more of an eggshell white than the traditional paper white, more formal and elegant. This observation only further peaked her curiosity as she picked it up from the table and flipped it over to inspect the return address. Her heartbeat faltered for a moment as her breath caught squarely in her throat, her eyebrows furrowing in disbelief as she wondered if this were some sort of sick joke. It just couldn't be real, only an awful prank that the universe had decided she was in need of for some reason. She brushed her burning fingertip slowly over the manufactured return address label, her brain reluctant to process the words as her heart had already been aching enough.

_Spencer & Jessica._

Surely no one would expect her to RSVP. It was preposterous! Spencer couldn't possibly be serious. On what planet or in what reality would she ever entertain the idea of attending the wedding of her ex-wife, one whom she still loved with everything inside of her? It was utterly absurd, to say the least, and she could only feel her sadness morph into something else, something more akin to anger.

Steeling her jaw, her eyes closed tightly as her nostrils subtly flared allowing her lungs to intake a deep breath as she focused on maintaining her composure. She could hear the pounding rhythm of her heart beat in her ears as she continued to breathe steadily, her hand still gripping the envelope tightly as she searched in her mind through all of the possible explanations for this. It was then that she realized she hadn't yet read the name and address of the intended recipient. Perhaps it was just a misunderstanding and Spencer had only invited Kyla. That just had to be it. Sighing, her eyes opened once more as her jaw slackened slightly, shifting the envelope back around to get another look.

_Ashley Davies_.

There it was, plain as day, her own name staring up at her as if to taunt her relentlessly- as if it were intending to twist her stomach into the tightest of knots, ones she would never be able to untangle. Her eyes could only burn their way through the text as she sat staring at the offending piece of what would now be considered garbage. She could feel her skin crawl unceremoniously, releasing her body of the anxiety and rage she was barely managing to maintain. That, in and of itself, was a glorious accomplishment.

As she sat unmoving and staring, she breathed out a sigh of utter defeat as she allowed her eyebrow muscles to relax ever so softly, returning her expression to a more somber one. Her heart had managed to slow its beating to a much more humanistic speed as the pounding in her ears slowly waned. Closing her eyes, she inhaled a deep gust of air as her lungs filled and her shoulders slumped. It was the moment she never thought she would experience. Though she had thought about it more often than she would like to admit and felt it waiting for her just around every corner, she never thought that she would actually see the day in which she would willingly give up and admit defeat.

But what was she to do?

She was sitting and clutching the wedding invitation minutes after witnessing her love standing in a bridal store window, wearing the most elegantly beautiful gown known to man. If that hadn't spelled out that it was over for her, then what would? And in thinking about all of this, it occurred to her that she had reached the end. It was staring her in the face, just waiting for her to nod accordingly and accept it. There no longer seemed to be any reason at all to try anymore. It was just… over. For months her life had just been this downward spiral of unimaginable depth as she sat on the sidelines and watched it fall apart at every seam. And now it seemed that the last thread had finally come undone, snapping something inside of her as it went.

Springing to her feet almost instantly, she dropped the invitation, letting it fall and litter the floor between the couch and the coffee table as she tore off in the direction of her bedroom. With only a few largely paced steps behind her, she made her way down the hall and through her bedroom door, crossing it quickly to come to her closet. In one swift motion, her shaky arm reached in and grabbed a numerous amount of clothing, ripping the articles hastily from their hangers and flinging them behind her in the general direction of her unmade bed, some actually managing to land on it in various heaps.

She had made the decision as she fished in her pocket for her phone, wasting no time in scrolling down her list of contacts for a number she'd only ever used on occasion, those times being few and far between. With a firm pressing of her finger to the call button, she raised it to her ear and awaited a response. As it began to ring, her impatience and nerves set in and she couldn't help but crouch down onto the floor, continuing her task as she reached under her bed to fish out her assortment of luggage, each one neatly tucked into its larger counterpart. Pulling them towards her as she sat up, she took one long breath before she finally heard a response on the other end of the call.

"Ashley Davies!" The cheerful voice replied as she grimaced and in response, pulled the phone only a few inches from her ear. "What a pleasant surprise. You know, I was just thinking over breakfast of when I might hear from you again."

"That's nice Ethan…" Her breathy voice trailed off as her heart raced, all the while her hands keeping busy with their frantic task of packing as her shoulder clutched her phone to her ear. "Listen, I need a few favors- actually, really only one favor- Is my studio there still vacant at the moment? I know you've been using it to work with a few artists recently…"

"Yeah Ash, we just finished up the new Echoes Fading album. I gotta tell you, your equipment really is top notch. I mean, I couldn't believe some of the…"

"That's great really," she stood to her feet as she interrupted his rant, flinging her bulging suitcase onto the bed as she turned on her heels to retrieve even more clothes to fill the next one. "I hate to rush this, but I really have no time to talk right now."

"Is everything okay there?" He asked sincerely, furrowing his brows as he could hear the anxiety and determination flowing through in waves from her end of the call.

"Actually, not really," Ashley answered without hesitation as she no longer cared to mask her emotions anymore. "I just really need to retreat for a while and I figure, what better place to retreat than my studio on the opposite coast, far away from here. Besides, I _do_ have another album to make and the sooner the better with this one…" She paused as she searched her closet for warmer clothing, fishing through her abundance of t-shirts and tanks. "It's cold there this time of year right? I mean, like really cold?"

"It's definitely not warm," Ethan replied in a slightly confused chuckle, wondering why Ashley would be calling him personally to make arrangements for this sort of thing. Usually she just had her manager handle all of what she referred to as the 'formalities.'

"Well," she sighed out as she realized she didn't have much in the way of warm clothing, talking mostly to herself. "I guess I'll just have to go shopping when I get there. Do you know how to go about booking flights? I've never really done it before."

"Where's Kyla? Doesn't she usually help you with that?"

"She's on her way home now from Baltimore and I really don't feel like hearing it from her. I just need to get away quickly and she'll only lecture me about it," Ashley answered lowly as she stuffed her various boots into a duffel bag.

"Did something happen, Ash?"

"Ethan, I called you because you usually don't ask a lot of questions…"

"I'm sorry," he said with genuine concern as he nodded in understanding. "I'll book you a flight okay? When you get to the airport, just go to one of the self check-in kiosks and type in your name. You should be able to print your boarding pass from there. What day would you like to leave?" He asked as he sat at his laptop, pulling up the options for flights from LAX.

"Now, preferably," she adamantly replied without much thought as she continued through her dresser drawers, stuffing various undergarments and socks into yet another bag. She'd never been one for packing sloppily, but at this point she was miles past caring.

"Well, there's a Red Eye leaving in about five hours. Is that good?"

Looking at her watch, she noticed that it was fastly approaching six-o'clock now and that flight would leave some time around eleven. "It's perfect. Thanks."

"I really hope you're okay, Ash. I know firsthand that divorce is hard on a person…"

"I'll be okay when I get to Boston, Ethan… Just please, I don't feel like talking about it," she sighed out with her eyes closing, trying desperately to hold her anger in each and every moment more that passed.

"Well then, I'll see you at the airport. Would like me to bring you one of your cars? The Aston Martin maybe?" He asked a bit giddily as he anticipated the sheer enjoyment he would have while driving it to the airport.

"Thanks, but I don't drive anymore. Whatever you have is fine," she replied with barely hidden emotion as she ended the call without waiting for his reply.

Tossing the last of her bags onto her bed, she watched as it landed with a thud on top of the others, shifting them all and giving the vast bed a slight bounce. With a rather heavy and defeated sigh, she looked around at her room, momentarily wondering if maybe she were giving up all too easily. She could very well beg and plead with Spencer to see reason, to see that the two of them belonged together and the past was just that, the past. They could learn from their mistakes to move on together and get past it all. They only needed to take that first step.

But alas, that just wasn't something she could bring herself to do. She couldn't be that person, the one who only ever thinks of their own feelings and desires. She knew she needed to think of Spencer's too, and if Spencer was happy with Jessie and wanted to be with her, then she felt that she needed to respect that. After all that she had done in the way of their marriage, didn't she at least owe it to Spencer to let her try to find her own happiness now?

Before her mind could even formulate a proper answer to that thought, a shrill exclamation came from the doorway as her sister's voice broke through the atmosphere.

"What on Earth are you doing?" Kyla looked on towards the luggage and remnants of clothes that lay discarded around the room, knowing full well what her sister was intending to do with it all.

"Kyla," Ashley said softly as she clutched her hand over her chest, momentarily rattled from her sister's sudden appearance. "Look, can you just not ask any questions and give me a ride to the airport later? I was going to just take a taxi, but since you're here…"

"No I will not! Where are you even going?" She replied, flabbergasted as she made her way towards the bed to gaze with even more confusion down upon the scattered luggage. It was clear that Ashley had packed them in a frenzy.

"Kyla…"

"No Ashley," she interrupted immediately as she turned to face her rather worn looking sister, taking notice of the slumped shoulders and weary eyes. "I know what you're doing and I don't think you should leave."

"Well, it's a good thing that I didn't you ask then isn't it?" Ashley wasted no time in biting back as she adjusted herself to stand more stoically. "Not that I even need your permission."

"You're just running away. How does that help anything?" She signaled with her outstretched hand as she waved it about in frustration.

"Do you even know what I went through today? Hmm?" Her expression hardened as she looked directly into Kyla's eyes, silently pleading with her to just be quiet and let her talk. "On my way to the post office, by some awful chance, I managed to catch Spencer's eyes through the window of a shop. Do you know exactly what shop?" Upon seeing her sister shake her head in confusion, she then continued. "Well it was a bridal shop. Do you have any idea whatsoever how much that hurt to see her in a white gown and know that I'm not the one she's wearing it for?"

"Ash…"

"No Kyla, you have no idea," Ashley whispered softly as she shook her head before turning around and slumping to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Ash," she said compassionately as she came to sit next to her sullen sister, her small hand coming up to rub soothingly on a slouched back. "I'm so sorry."

Taking in Ashley's appearance, it was clear to her that her sister was feeling as if there was nothing left for her to fight for, that she had no more energy left in her to continue fighting what appeared to be a losing battle. However no matter how much she tried to understand it all and look at it from Ashley's point of view, she just couldn't bring herself to believe that Spencer was in fact marrying someone else for the right reasons, that their wedding was happening out of their desperate need to be with one another because of love. It was something she would never, in all of eternity, believe because she knew that Spencer was in-love with Ashley; it was as clear as daylight and as sure as the air they all breathed.

"But you can't just run away like this!" She exclaimed with a dramatic sigh.

"Kyla," Ashley sighed out as well, exasperated as she pinched the bridge of her nose. "I'm going to my studio in Boston to record my next album and enjoy some peace and quiet for a while. I just need to get away from here and figure out what to do next. I'm not running away; I'm just taking a breather."

"Ash…" she shook her head as her mind wondered, searching for anything she could say to change her stubborn sister's mind. "I just know that there's more to this wedding than we're seeing. Spencer's in-love with you, Ashley. You know she is... I know she is... She knows she is… I'm sure even Jessie knows she is! You're just going leave and let her make a huge mistake?"

"Well, that's her mistake to make isn't it?" She replied rather bitterly as she stood to her feet, collecting her luggage in an orderly manner to situate it so that she could transport it easily through the apartment. "I'm done waiting around for her to see how sorry I am and how much I regret everything I did to her. She knows how I feel and if she's still too afraid to be with me, then maybe she shouldn't. Surely she is happy with Jessie or she wouldn't be marrying her."

"That's bullshit! She feels trapped…"

"You have no way of knowing that Kyla," Ashley growled as her anger abruptly returned to her, her expression hardening as she came to burn her gaze directly into her sister's. It was one thing for Kyla to accuse her of running away, but it was a completely different thing altogether for her to make assumptions like she was about Spencer. "So just let it go, because I have... and so should you."

Kyla's eyes widened slightly as she held her sister's gaze, noticing how Ashley's eyebrows furrowed in anger and her jaw tightened to the point of looking like she couldn't bite down any harder if she tried. She knew her sister and it wasn't often at all that she witnessed Ashley looking at the point of self-combustion; yet there she stood with her gaze hardened and her eyes looking as though they could shoot laser beams straight through her. It was enough to make her heart fall into the pit of her stomach.

"I'm not driving you to the airport," she said with shaky determination, her hands sweating in anxiety.

"I can manage on my own," Ashley bit back without ever blinking or letting their locked stare falter. Clutching her bags tightly, she wheeled them from the bedroom and down the hallway, intending to lean them against the wall by the front door until closer to the time she needed to leave. Turning around, she began speaking as she knew that Kyla had followed her, her voice remaining deep and husky as her anger only leveled off. "Now, I'm going to go take a long hot shower and rest for a bit before my flight. If you're only going to stand here and lecture me more, then you can just leave; I honestly don't need to hear it."

Kyla could only stand in stunned silence as she kept her gaze trained on the spot in the center of the living room, waiting and hoping against everything that Ashley would change her mind by the end of her shower. They could then come up with another way of figuring out how to get through to Spencer.

Sighing at the thought of her alienated sister-in-law, she wondered how she would ever be able to fix it all now. Ashley was set on leaving for the other side of the country and apparently, Spencer was trying on wedding gowns. That fact alone worried her beyond belief because it was just another signal that she was still intent on carrying through with the wedding. It was mind-boggling to her in that she was there at the beginning when Spencer had made the decision to get Jessie to agree to all of this, claiming that it was only to get Ashley to let her go through with the divorce. Kyla remembered that night as though it was yesterday and never once did she think Spencer actually meant any of it, or that it would ever come this far. She knew that their agreement was completely hollow and held absolutely no amount of credibility. So why was it still happening?

As she heard the faint slamming of the bathroom door immediately followed by the hiss of the water as it emerged from the faucet, her heart began hammering away at her chest as she realized that this was it. This was her moment of redemption, her moment for making up for all that she had done in the way of their lives ending up at this point. She would see to it that by the end of the day, Spencer will have told her the truth and she would then convince Ashley that it was not over. Not by a long shot. There was still something worth staying for.

Composing herself and centering her thoughts, she turned on her heels and made her way for the front door. If she would be lucky in even the slightest of ways that day, then she could catch Spencer at home and corner her, giving her no option at all but to spill her guts and see reason, see that she needed to stop Ashley from leaving and call it all off. She would see that the two of them belonged together or with no one.

As she made her way through the apartment, she hastily grabbed her purse from its resting spot on the arm of the couch and retrieved her keys from inside. This could quite possibly turn out to be rather challenging for her, but she was resolved to the fact that she would stop at nothing. Her sister's well-being depended on it and that was her main priority as it always had been; she had just made the wrong decisions when looking out for it before.

"Oh Ash," she whispered softly as she exited the apartment, swiftly making her way towards the elevator. "Please be here when I get back."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I'm terribly sorry for the extended delay. I had written the chapter and was ready to post about a month ago, but then my file became corrupt and I had to start fresh. I hope you all are still interested. Thanks!**


	20. Author's Note

Dear Readers,

As most of you have noticed, I haven't updated in quite a while. The past year was a rough one for me. Shortly after I posted the last chapter, my 5 year relationship ended and since we owned a house together it became a very stressful situation. Around the same time, my uncle whom I lived with when I was younger found out that he had stage 4 cancer. The summer saw me spending time with him and helping out when I could. I got a second job this past fall to help better afford the house on my own, as she opted for moving. As for my uncle, he passed away in late October and I still find that hard to swallow. There was a period where I couldn't sleep and my mother had to come over keep me company some nights because I was just restless. I had never lived alone and add to the fact I was trying to cope with loss and you can imagine that I was a complete wreck.

But alas, my life is coming together quite nicely now. I met someone who consumes most of my thoughts and has recently inspired me to get back into the swing of writing. I plan to wrap this story up at some point, but I have no idea how soon that will happen. I still need to refocus myself and get back into the story, as well as the others I had begun last year in the hopes of posting at some point.

I appreciate your patience with me and your ever positive feedback. Hopefully I can get something squared away soon to post and give this story an ending that it deserves. Getting back into writing after several months away is rough. I'm not ever sure where to start, but if you'll bear with me, I will not let you down.

Thanks,

Workman


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